Blah... having one of those pity parties today. AF is gone and my hsg is this Friday. I am nervous but excited to get the process going. I am just feeling the anxiety that I get every now and then where something in my heart tugs. I have been wanting this for over 3 years!! (probably close to 4 but "officially" 3) I can't believe I am sane. After all my breakdowns and offending thoughts, I should be in the looney tune hospital. Hmmm... lets see something. 3 years equals to 1095 days. That means for 1095 days I have had the same waking thought and prayer and the same thought and prayer going through my mind as I drift off to sleep. Isn't that too much for a person already?? I really think I deserve this. I am sure there are women who ttc far longer than I have but I just feel like I have done my time. I used to think I didn't deserve it because of my past or my mistakes but now I feel like I have paid. I feel that I have been patient (impatient at times too!) enough and that God should look down on me and give it to me! I have cried and cried. I have screamed many times (out loud...and into my pillow). I have punched. I have been envious of other's growing bellies. I have avoided babyshowers and sometimes even babies. I have lost 15 lbs. (still need more) I have been an advocate in MY own infertility journey meaning that I have found a way to get insurance coverage. I have always kept my future baby(ies) best interest in house shopping and car shopping (couldn't get a 2 door car!!). I have prayed and been prayed FOR. I have talked to Aaron. I have prayed with him. I have fasted. I have praised God when I was in my deepest longest depression. I have talked about it with my parents. I have bought maternity clothes. I have bought baby clothing and blankets. I have picked out my crib for baby boy or baby girl. I have talked to my sister about painting a mural for the nursery. I have waited and waited.........

wow. So don't you think I deserve this by now? Not many couples have all this ready for their first child. This reminds me. There are things that I actually AM thankful for and that the only reason why these things ARE are because of our infertility. Lets see... I am thankful that when we ARE blessed with our baby he/she (or twins) will be sooooooo loved. Not that they wouldn't be loved other wise but come on... 3 years of waiting!!! Also, I have seen how patient I am. I have seen how strong I am. I have seen how passionate I can be when I really want something. I am proud of myself for that. I am thankful that my marriage is stronger now that 5 years have passed. I am thankful that we have a house in which the baby(ies) will have his/her (their) own rooms.
Hm. This list wasn't as long as the other one but come on! 3 years!!!