So the Lupron shots have been going well. The only thing I can complain about is that I wake up with headaches. I hear its quite common so there isn't much I can do about it. Last night Aaron had to give me my shot in the restroom of a restaurant. It was kinda gross but I made sure he didn't touch anything after washing his hands. It went well and I didn't even ice the area beforehand.
So tomorrow I have completed the 4 weeks on Metformin XR at 2000mg like Dr. Dunn wanted to. He said he wouldn't induce ovulation until that was done so it worked out perfectly since I will start stimming next week. Also, tomorrow is my last BCP!! Wooohooooo! I am so happy. I hate the pills. I hate remembering to take them. I hate how they make me feel.
So with the pill PLUS the Lupron shot my sex drive is GONE.... Nothing, nada, zilch. I don't feel anything, I don't want any... so unlike me. Its weird. I got a bit sad last night because of it. Oh well, not much longer of this. I am getting closer and closer. YAY!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Last night I couldn't get in to post. I was so frustrated!
Well we had our nurse session on injections. It went well. The traffic was slow, no holdups. We got there about 5 minutes before and Aaron had to go get some juice so by the time I got to the actual office it was about 2:31pm. We waited for about 20 minutes and then she called us back. Honey, my nurse, is younger than I thought. I thought she was an old lady but she seemed around 33-35 years old. SO we went over our schedule and our protocol in detail. She explained to me about all the appts I will have to come in for and also the actual retrieval and transfer.
We practiced the injection on a artificial skin thingy and I made Aaron do it too. She said she would only teach us on the Lupron so that way we don't forget everything else. I stop the bcp's on the 31st (yeay) and start my other injection on the 8th and I will also have my first u/s then.
I talked to my boss this morning and gave her a heads up and again she was very supportive. I don't think how easy and painless she has made this process on me. I need to really thank her one day. My appts fall right before and after I get my new sick and vacation leave. I will probably fit right in with what I have now (4 hours). Everything is just fitting like a puzzle. :)
So Honey told us to pick a time that we could do our shots. We will then have a one hour window before and one hour window after just in case we stay out or are going out. So we picked 9:30 pm. We ate dinner (soooooo good, Aaron made steaks on the grill!! YUM) and then I just watched TV and played on the computer. I kept looking at the time and it was sooo slllooooowww. Usually my nights go by so fast that it seems I get home and then I need to get ready for bed. Aaron had been giving me this grin all night like "its almost time..." PUNK. lol So finally it hit 9:20 and I told him to get it over with. He washed his hands, iced my leg, then got my needle ready with the Lupron and then cleaned the area. I picked my outer leg because I cannot even imagine getting a shot in the stomach. I kept telling him "wait, wait," and then he would get close and I would do it again and again. He tried like 8 times and I kept pulling away. It was funny! Then he said "just look away". So I did and I held my teddy bear tight and then he did it! I was like "THAT'S IT????" I swear I didn't feel anything!! I bled a bit but that was it. Actually it hurt afterwards more than the actual needle. It was a little red but I massaged it and it got better. This morning I don't feel a thing. So I was happy and now I am not scared. Aaron was sooo good and sooo sweet. He said to think of my children and I tried but I couldn't. All I could think about was the needle. lol.
Sooo that was our first injection experience. It was kind of special and sweet. For some reason, I felt sooo close to him after that. <3
Well we had our nurse session on injections. It went well. The traffic was slow, no holdups. We got there about 5 minutes before and Aaron had to go get some juice so by the time I got to the actual office it was about 2:31pm. We waited for about 20 minutes and then she called us back. Honey, my nurse, is younger than I thought. I thought she was an old lady but she seemed around 33-35 years old. SO we went over our schedule and our protocol in detail. She explained to me about all the appts I will have to come in for and also the actual retrieval and transfer.
We practiced the injection on a artificial skin thingy and I made Aaron do it too. She said she would only teach us on the Lupron so that way we don't forget everything else. I stop the bcp's on the 31st (yeay) and start my other injection on the 8th and I will also have my first u/s then.
I talked to my boss this morning and gave her a heads up and again she was very supportive. I don't think how easy and painless she has made this process on me. I need to really thank her one day. My appts fall right before and after I get my new sick and vacation leave. I will probably fit right in with what I have now (4 hours). Everything is just fitting like a puzzle. :)
So Honey told us to pick a time that we could do our shots. We will then have a one hour window before and one hour window after just in case we stay out or are going out. So we picked 9:30 pm. We ate dinner (soooooo good, Aaron made steaks on the grill!! YUM) and then I just watched TV and played on the computer. I kept looking at the time and it was sooo slllooooowww. Usually my nights go by so fast that it seems I get home and then I need to get ready for bed. Aaron had been giving me this grin all night like "its almost time..." PUNK. lol So finally it hit 9:20 and I told him to get it over with. He washed his hands, iced my leg, then got my needle ready with the Lupron and then cleaned the area. I picked my outer leg because I cannot even imagine getting a shot in the stomach. I kept telling him "wait, wait," and then he would get close and I would do it again and again. He tried like 8 times and I kept pulling away. It was funny! Then he said "just look away". So I did and I held my teddy bear tight and then he did it! I was like "THAT'S IT????" I swear I didn't feel anything!! I bled a bit but that was it. Actually it hurt afterwards more than the actual needle. It was a little red but I massaged it and it got better. This morning I don't feel a thing. So I was happy and now I am not scared. Aaron was sooo good and sooo sweet. He said to think of my children and I tried but I couldn't. All I could think about was the needle. lol.
Sooo that was our first injection experience. It was kind of special and sweet. For some reason, I felt sooo close to him after that. <3
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Wow... So I got the meds. I was supposed to only get the Lupron today but they called me yesterday and said that they could send them all to me. They did have a problem with the Ovidrel so that one was not included. Soo now I have a HUGE box and like 3 little boxes. I opened them up and I made myself NOT look at the needles but its still very very overwhelming. I can't believe its come down to this. Its a new beginning but also the ending. I got a little emotional looking at all these meds but I am sure I will feel better soon. I plan to take a pic when I get home. I am trying to make a little scrapbook of all this soo I am trying to be more crafty. I guess I have to let it sink in for a moment....
Monday, October 23, 2006
I just wanted to add really quicky because its been on my mind... I got the price of our meds! For about $3000 worth of meds my insurance is covering most of it! Our total is...................................................... $82.56!!!!!
IVF costs about $14,000! With our insurance the total is.............................
$150!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!! Sooo what could have been $17,000 is costing us a little over $200!!! :) He is good huh?
IVF costs about $14,000! With our insurance the total is.............................
$150!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!! Sooo what could have been $17,000 is costing us a little over $200!!! :) He is good huh?
Sooo I was so happy my last post that I had to update. How did I believe that everything would go perfect?? GRR... So I went to pick up my Lupron from CVS. The girl looks through the boxes and then looks through other stuff. Can't find it. Then she finds a little slip and says it's not approved by my insurance. HUH? SOoo then the old hag lady says "What's it for?" *embarrased because there is a line of people.. like they would know what Lupron is for.. but still* I said "Lupron". She says, "OH". OMG. I just rolled my eyes. Yes, make me feel like a freak!! OH. Soo then the hag calls me over to her side and asks if I had it mail ordered. I say "yes, but I changed it because they were delivering too late" She says, "well they still have it showing on theirs therefore the insurance won't cover it". NOOOOOO! She asks, "I can see how much it costs" LOL is she kidding me??????????? Lupron kits is OVER $1000!!! I was like "Um, no thanks, its is very expensive." So I left and called my RX insurance people.. MEDCO. Well loooooong story short, I was misinformed from the beginning. I had been told that my drugs would be shipped out on the 24th and delivered on the 31st. Well that is wrong. My drugs are specialty drugs (again, I am a special freak... OH) and therefore they will call ME to schedule my delivery and its usually a day or 2. GRRRR. I had to talk to the main office in Ohio and they were super nice and apologized. Sooo she told me that she would put in an urgent request for the Lupron (since I need those by Tuesday night for my appt on Wednesday) and the other drugs would be coming later... So that was fine.
Well they called me later on and of course, I didn't hear my phone go off. Whatever. I was in waiting at The Cheesecake Factory (YUM by the way) and by then it was way too late. Waaaa! SO I left them a message.
I called them this morning though and got it set up. My Lupron should get here tomorrow morning. YAY.
Oh and the new lady told me I was responsible for $6!!! The other lady said it was $40 (which is nothing anyway but $6????) So I was happier with her news!!!
I was talking to Aaron yesterday since I found out about 2 girls being PG. One of them is unmarried and this is her 2nd baby. She now has 2 baby's daddies. The 2nd one is like 20 years old and I guess her parents married her with her young teen boyfriend. It truly makes me question all this and it pisses me off. I have to remember though, that God gave us a freewill. Stuff happens. Infertility happens. PG happens. Yes, children are a blessing but how can God give a gift so fragile such as a baby to crackheads or prostitutes? Or unmarried people who probably didn't want a baby in the first place??? Freewill. Thats the only explanation I can think of. God will turn the bad into good for you. These babies come from a stupid decision their parents made but for the sake of the innocent baby, I believe God can turn it into good.
So Aaron started saying how our kids will be blessed. He says this has made me into a better potential mother. He said that we know our children were planned (you can't get more scheduled then cycle days and shots that have to BE given at 1 AM!!!) and that when we look at them we will be happy. I told him yes, I agree. I told him about the thread on FF that SusanP started about the positive things of Infertility and what I put. I told him that I have been blessed to wait for my baby with anticipation and how I will never take them for granted. I won't have regrets as maybe I would had if I would have gotten pregnant at the age of 22 or whatever. When my baby is born I won't feel like my life was cut short or like I missed out. I won't feel like I should have waited or whatever. I also told him that I feel like maybe he would have had regrets if we would have had kids early on. Aaron is younger than me so I always had that bother me. I didn't want him to feel like he was too young to be a dad. I mentioned how I KNOW that HE KNOWS what he is getting himself into. I said "every shot you stick in me, you know exactly whats its for". He said "That's right!" So we are in this together. We are going to be parents! We are going to be mom and dad. (sounds weird lol) We are going to be a family. I am not going to be a single mom, he won't be a single dad. I will not be a step mother. We will have our kids that we decided to bring into this world. This is where my freewill is GOOD. I can do that!
Well they called me later on and of course, I didn't hear my phone go off. Whatever. I was in waiting at The Cheesecake Factory (YUM by the way) and by then it was way too late. Waaaa! SO I left them a message.
I called them this morning though and got it set up. My Lupron should get here tomorrow morning. YAY.
Oh and the new lady told me I was responsible for $6!!! The other lady said it was $40 (which is nothing anyway but $6????) So I was happier with her news!!!
I was talking to Aaron yesterday since I found out about 2 girls being PG. One of them is unmarried and this is her 2nd baby. She now has 2 baby's daddies. The 2nd one is like 20 years old and I guess her parents married her with her young teen boyfriend. It truly makes me question all this and it pisses me off. I have to remember though, that God gave us a freewill. Stuff happens. Infertility happens. PG happens. Yes, children are a blessing but how can God give a gift so fragile such as a baby to crackheads or prostitutes? Or unmarried people who probably didn't want a baby in the first place??? Freewill. Thats the only explanation I can think of. God will turn the bad into good for you. These babies come from a stupid decision their parents made but for the sake of the innocent baby, I believe God can turn it into good.
So Aaron started saying how our kids will be blessed. He says this has made me into a better potential mother. He said that we know our children were planned (you can't get more scheduled then cycle days and shots that have to BE given at 1 AM!!!) and that when we look at them we will be happy. I told him yes, I agree. I told him about the thread on FF that SusanP started about the positive things of Infertility and what I put. I told him that I have been blessed to wait for my baby with anticipation and how I will never take them for granted. I won't have regrets as maybe I would had if I would have gotten pregnant at the age of 22 or whatever. When my baby is born I won't feel like my life was cut short or like I missed out. I won't feel like I should have waited or whatever. I also told him that I feel like maybe he would have had regrets if we would have had kids early on. Aaron is younger than me so I always had that bother me. I didn't want him to feel like he was too young to be a dad. I mentioned how I KNOW that HE KNOWS what he is getting himself into. I said "every shot you stick in me, you know exactly whats its for". He said "That's right!" So we are in this together. We are going to be parents! We are going to be mom and dad. (sounds weird lol) We are going to be a family. I am not going to be a single mom, he won't be a single dad. I will not be a step mother. We will have our kids that we decided to bring into this world. This is where my freewill is GOOD. I can do that!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Soooo tonight I will pick up my Lupron. My very first injection kit! I feel like a kid awaiting my new toy.
I had a scare for a bit. I called my nurse and she had told me she had sent in the RX (prescription) to Medco, my prescription plan people. Well I called them to confirm and my package was going to be shipped on the 24th and delivered on the 31 (Halloween... BOO!). Well, my nurse told me I was starting Lupron on the 25th. Um, okay... I don't get my meds until the 31st. It didn't add up. So I called Medco again and nope, can't send it earlier. Hmmm, could I just get this stuff at CVS?? My nurse said that sometimes with injections insurance wants you to get it from a certain pharmacy and usually delivered. Sooo I asked Medco and they said, yes, I can get them at CVS. Soo she said I could just get what I needed until the 31st when the whole kit would come in or I could get the whole kit. I spoke to Honey (nurse) and she said its the whole kit. Soo she called in my prescription yesterday. Well then CVS calls me and tells me that they have to special order it. (OKAY, make me feel MORE like a freak.. I am infertile, I am doing IVF, and now my meds have to be "special" ordered, I am a cu-cuy [spanish for monster] Just kidding, I am not a monster) Anyway, so I just rolled my eyes and thought GREAT. But ha ha, don't assume bad things Dianita. It will take a day to get there therefore today is the day my Lupron gets to CVS. Shall we celebrate??
No church tonight! Woohoo! OKay, that probably didn't sound good but I am happy because we are OFF on a Friday night. We are always in church at that time so I wanted Aaron to take me out. But he refused!! He said I had to plan our date. WTH?? Okay, fine. Let me show him what its really like to plan a nice date. Forget Olive Garden or whatever. I am taking him to the Cheesecake Factory. I have heard many good things about it but its sooo far that we have never gone. I told him I wanted to go there and he said he would take me but it hasn't happened yet. So I beat him to the punch! Mmm... cheesecake.
Which brings me to another subject. For some dumb reason I haven't been very "good" at my eating habits and working out lately. I had been doing very good and then I got sick and then I got my period so I just slacked. I NEED to get back on it. I hear its best NOT to eat red meat during an IVF cycle so I am planning to cut that out. Then also of course limit my fat intake and carbs.. But I have to go to the Cheesecake Factory so I will have to start tomorrow! *embarrased*
I had a scare for a bit. I called my nurse and she had told me she had sent in the RX (prescription) to Medco, my prescription plan people. Well I called them to confirm and my package was going to be shipped on the 24th and delivered on the 31 (Halloween... BOO!). Well, my nurse told me I was starting Lupron on the 25th. Um, okay... I don't get my meds until the 31st. It didn't add up. So I called Medco again and nope, can't send it earlier. Hmmm, could I just get this stuff at CVS?? My nurse said that sometimes with injections insurance wants you to get it from a certain pharmacy and usually delivered. Sooo I asked Medco and they said, yes, I can get them at CVS. Soo she said I could just get what I needed until the 31st when the whole kit would come in or I could get the whole kit. I spoke to Honey (nurse) and she said its the whole kit. Soo she called in my prescription yesterday. Well then CVS calls me and tells me that they have to special order it. (OKAY, make me feel MORE like a freak.. I am infertile, I am doing IVF, and now my meds have to be "special" ordered, I am a cu-cuy [spanish for monster] Just kidding, I am not a monster) Anyway, so I just rolled my eyes and thought GREAT. But ha ha, don't assume bad things Dianita. It will take a day to get there therefore today is the day my Lupron gets to CVS. Shall we celebrate??
No church tonight! Woohoo! OKay, that probably didn't sound good but I am happy because we are OFF on a Friday night. We are always in church at that time so I wanted Aaron to take me out. But he refused!! He said I had to plan our date. WTH?? Okay, fine. Let me show him what its really like to plan a nice date. Forget Olive Garden or whatever. I am taking him to the Cheesecake Factory. I have heard many good things about it but its sooo far that we have never gone. I told him I wanted to go there and he said he would take me but it hasn't happened yet. So I beat him to the punch! Mmm... cheesecake.
Which brings me to another subject. For some dumb reason I haven't been very "good" at my eating habits and working out lately. I had been doing very good and then I got sick and then I got my period so I just slacked. I NEED to get back on it. I hear its best NOT to eat red meat during an IVF cycle so I am planning to cut that out. Then also of course limit my fat intake and carbs.. But I have to go to the Cheesecake Factory so I will have to start tomorrow! *embarrased*
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Holy Macanoly!! I just spoke to my nurse, Honey (hehe), to ask her about times of my next appt and other questions... Well she has my exact schedule and she faxed it to me!! OMG. I think I am having a panic attack. To see it all on paper is soooo more realistic than my estimations. I guess I REALLY am doing this. YIKES! So here is the schedule:
10-25-06 Start Lupron at 10 units each day
11-9-06 Start Follistim at 150, and keep shooting up Lupron but now at 5 units. Also start baby aspirin
11-13-06 Start Microdose Ovidrel at 10 units at nighttime, along with Lupron (5 U), and Follistim (150)
11-20-06 Ovidrel Shot (trigger) along with all the other ones... This will be the last day of these injections
11-21-06 Antibiotic
11-22-06 EGG RETRIEVAL (OMG)
11-23-06 Start Progesterone (shot form) and Medrol (pill form)
11-25/28-06 Either a 3, 4 or 5 day EMBRYO TRANSFER!!!!!!!
11-29-06 Only Progesterone until told to stop
And that's it folks! Pray that everything goes good. Anything can go wrong therefore they can cancell my cycle. If my ovaries overstimulate with the drugs it can be very painful and even get canceled. If my ovaries DON'T respond, I will get canceled. Soo like I said, anything can go wrong but I hope it won't.
I am sooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!
10-25-06 Start Lupron at 10 units each day
11-9-06 Start Follistim at 150, and keep shooting up Lupron but now at 5 units. Also start baby aspirin
11-13-06 Start Microdose Ovidrel at 10 units at nighttime, along with Lupron (5 U), and Follistim (150)
11-20-06 Ovidrel Shot (trigger) along with all the other ones... This will be the last day of these injections
11-21-06 Antibiotic
11-22-06 EGG RETRIEVAL (OMG)
11-23-06 Start Progesterone (shot form) and Medrol (pill form)
11-25/28-06 Either a 3, 4 or 5 day EMBRYO TRANSFER!!!!!!!
11-29-06 Only Progesterone until told to stop
And that's it folks! Pray that everything goes good. Anything can go wrong therefore they can cancell my cycle. If my ovaries overstimulate with the drugs it can be very painful and even get canceled. If my ovaries DON'T respond, I will get canceled. Soo like I said, anything can go wrong but I hope it won't.
I am sooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Nothing much going on today. I am on my 3rd day of bcp's. I called me nurse yesterday (hehe her name is "honey") and she set me and Aaron up to go in next week on Wednesday for our schedule and injection teaching. She also said that I would be starting Lupron that same day!!!! HUH?? I was under the impression I didn't start shooting up until my 3rd week of BCP's. I am secretly hoping that she had me confused with another patient because I am soooo not ready for the shots. I will if I have to be but I just wasn't mentally prepared to start so soon. I guess I have a week to get there. I did ask her about it and mentioned that I thought I had to wait a couple more weeks and she just replied "nope, you can be on birth control for a week or 2 and start Lupon." Okay. Whatever. The good thing is if I started next week the egg retrieval and egg transfer will be much sooner. Sooo I could be pregnant sooner!! That is a good thing!
SO my sister (HI Betsy!) called me and told me she had a dream about me last night. She said it was SO real and that she feels its going to happen soon. She dreamt that I had just had our baby. It was a girl and she had red hair like Aaron (actually she said really more red than Aaron's) and had her daddies big hands. Betsy said she was sooo cute! She also said that Aaron was holding her and wouldn't let her go! How cute! I totally can see Aaron that way in real life...
Sooo of course I got a bit of hope through that so thanks Betsy!
I am sooo hormonal right now. I am perioding PLUS on birth control which is pure hormones. I was feeling very anxious today because of it. Grrr... Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
SO my sister (HI Betsy!) called me and told me she had a dream about me last night. She said it was SO real and that she feels its going to happen soon. She dreamt that I had just had our baby. It was a girl and she had red hair like Aaron (actually she said really more red than Aaron's) and had her daddies big hands. Betsy said she was sooo cute! She also said that Aaron was holding her and wouldn't let her go! How cute! I totally can see Aaron that way in real life...
Sooo of course I got a bit of hope through that so thanks Betsy!
I am sooo hormonal right now. I am perioding PLUS on birth control which is pure hormones. I was feeling very anxious today because of it. Grrr... Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Yeehaaaw! I started my period! Thank you Lord. I was hoping she would come tomorrow but God brought her over a day early. ;) So now I start my birth control pills! I need to call my nurse tommorrow to let her know that AF is here and then she can give me a detailed schedule. Woohoo! I will update you asap.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Sooo each day is a day closer... I am almost finished with provera. YAY! Tomorrow is my last pill. I hope, I really hope that my period does not decide to boycott. Uh, uh! You better come NOW.
So with the day getting closer I have been really struggling with the embies question. My doctor said he would transfer 2. He gave me a percentage of 60% or higher of my first IVF working... He said we have anywhere from a 1/3 to 1/4 chance of twins. I always said that I wanted 2 transfered over. Aaron says "we minus well go for it". Well, I am not too sure now. I mean, 2 babies would be great. Twins are very popular and cute. Twins would always have someone to play with. Twins would knock out an extra pregnancy for me since we want 3-4 kids. That would knock out 2 kids on one try! There will be double smiles, double kisses, double first words, double everything. Even double trouble! LOL But the things that worry me are whether or not our house is big enough (only 1300 sq feet but we do have 2 small bedrooms besides the masterbedroom), whether we can afford 2 babies, whether I have enough love to give 2 babies... I mean, I have dreamed and desired and imagined that ONE first baby for years. I feel as if I get 2, I will have trouble adjusting my love for them equally. Aaron would love twins I think! He has no problem with it. I am sure if he really thought about the financial part might bug him a bit but he sees no problem with 2.
Now back to IVF. I told Aaron last night, I want to have the highest chance of coming out pregnant this time so 2 sounds great. Alot of times, even in young women, the embie won't stick (implant) to my uterus. Soo if I only put one in, and he/she doesn't stick, then that means I am left with not 2 or 1 baby but none. :( But if I put one in and he/she sticks then I am pregant with a singleton which is what I have always imagined. But... to make my chances higher, just in case the one doesn't stick, we put 2 in. Now, I don't want to secretly hope that one doesn't stick because they are still my babies, no matter how many. But what if they both stick!!???!!! Then its twins for me! OMG. Not to mention, this one girl on fertility friend transfered 2 embies and one of them decided to split to turn into identical twins... So then she had identical twins, AND a fraternal triplet!!! She ended up losing one or 2 (sorry, can't remember) which is sad but still that is a chance I am taking also. My RE did say that was very, very, rare... Sooo, that is my latest worry. OMG. I am not even a mother yet and I am already worried... I guess I am unconciously preparing for motherhood. *sigh*
So with the day getting closer I have been really struggling with the embies question. My doctor said he would transfer 2. He gave me a percentage of 60% or higher of my first IVF working... He said we have anywhere from a 1/3 to 1/4 chance of twins. I always said that I wanted 2 transfered over. Aaron says "we minus well go for it". Well, I am not too sure now. I mean, 2 babies would be great. Twins are very popular and cute. Twins would always have someone to play with. Twins would knock out an extra pregnancy for me since we want 3-4 kids. That would knock out 2 kids on one try! There will be double smiles, double kisses, double first words, double everything. Even double trouble! LOL But the things that worry me are whether or not our house is big enough (only 1300 sq feet but we do have 2 small bedrooms besides the masterbedroom), whether we can afford 2 babies, whether I have enough love to give 2 babies... I mean, I have dreamed and desired and imagined that ONE first baby for years. I feel as if I get 2, I will have trouble adjusting my love for them equally. Aaron would love twins I think! He has no problem with it. I am sure if he really thought about the financial part might bug him a bit but he sees no problem with 2.
Now back to IVF. I told Aaron last night, I want to have the highest chance of coming out pregnant this time so 2 sounds great. Alot of times, even in young women, the embie won't stick (implant) to my uterus. Soo if I only put one in, and he/she doesn't stick, then that means I am left with not 2 or 1 baby but none. :( But if I put one in and he/she sticks then I am pregant with a singleton which is what I have always imagined. But... to make my chances higher, just in case the one doesn't stick, we put 2 in. Now, I don't want to secretly hope that one doesn't stick because they are still my babies, no matter how many. But what if they both stick!!???!!! Then its twins for me! OMG. Not to mention, this one girl on fertility friend transfered 2 embies and one of them decided to split to turn into identical twins... So then she had identical twins, AND a fraternal triplet!!! She ended up losing one or 2 (sorry, can't remember) which is sad but still that is a chance I am taking also. My RE did say that was very, very, rare... Sooo, that is my latest worry. OMG. I am not even a mother yet and I am already worried... I guess I am unconciously preparing for motherhood. *sigh*
Monday, October 09, 2006
So I wonder if I am the only one that thinks thoughts like mine. With all this IVF crap going on, I am starting to see things differently. My marriage, my house, myself, my dh, my family, etc... Me and Aaron fought yesterday and we said some mean things to each other. I, of course, act all big and hard when he says stuff so that he thinks that I don't care. But once I am settled down, my mind starts racing and I reflect on the things that were said. Aaron can be a drama king. Yes, I am too but HELLO, last time I checked I had a vagina! I am a woman! Of course I am a drama queen. He seems to think I am a freak and that he is the only one with a wife who nags and pesters him to do certain things... He just pisses me off!
But anyway, I am wondering what this whole IVF can and will do to our marriage. We don't have a perfect one (there is NO such thing) nor a horrible one. We just struggle with certain areas of my and his character. He tries to change the things he doesn't like about me and so do I, to him. I think I have grasped the "unconditional love" thing but I don't think he has...yet. Well this has me thinking. Bringing a child into the world is scary. I guess most couples (fertile ones) don't really think about it as long as I have. Most fertile couples are so ecstatic and elated when they get the news and just start baby planning. I least I picture it that way.
With the 3 years + that I have under my belt, I think of everything. I wonder if I am strong enough for IVF, I wonder if Aaron is. I wonder if he truly wants a child or is it just to make me happy... I wonder if our marriage is going to last. I really don't want to be left with a child or children all by myself. I wonder if dh will leave me widowed. I am crazy, huh?
I guess I am a paranoid person.. (nah, really? Could have tricked me!) It's just all these stupid thoughts that normal fertile people probably have AFTER they are pregnant therefore have no choice but to deal and get over it. I on the other hand, wonder, should I be doing IVF? Should I just wait? Should I go ahead? Are me and Aaron ready??
((!!scream!!))
But anyway, I am wondering what this whole IVF can and will do to our marriage. We don't have a perfect one (there is NO such thing) nor a horrible one. We just struggle with certain areas of my and his character. He tries to change the things he doesn't like about me and so do I, to him. I think I have grasped the "unconditional love" thing but I don't think he has...yet. Well this has me thinking. Bringing a child into the world is scary. I guess most couples (fertile ones) don't really think about it as long as I have. Most fertile couples are so ecstatic and elated when they get the news and just start baby planning. I least I picture it that way.
With the 3 years + that I have under my belt, I think of everything. I wonder if I am strong enough for IVF, I wonder if Aaron is. I wonder if he truly wants a child or is it just to make me happy... I wonder if our marriage is going to last. I really don't want to be left with a child or children all by myself. I wonder if dh will leave me widowed. I am crazy, huh?
I guess I am a paranoid person.. (nah, really? Could have tricked me!) It's just all these stupid thoughts that normal fertile people probably have AFTER they are pregnant therefore have no choice but to deal and get over it. I on the other hand, wonder, should I be doing IVF? Should I just wait? Should I go ahead? Are me and Aaron ready??
((!!scream!!))
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Sooo this morning was very interesting... I went to the other office where my boss actually works to do my usual run of Tuesdays and Thursdays. She has a grandbaby girl and has pics of her everywhere. She had told me that her son and wife were expecting again and due sometime in November. I mentioned it and told her it was getting close. She was telling me how she has her plane ticket and is ready to go on the 4th of November. So then she mentioned her other son and daughter in law and how they are trying to have a baby. She had mentioned it before but didn't really get into it much. I asked her how long they had been ttc and she said about a year. Then out of the blue she asks, "So when are you having a baby?" I think I turned as red as a tomatoe and just shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don't know". Then it happened. I figured with the IVF coming up this was the perfect time to fill her in on the days I will be MIA. Sooo I told her that we had been trying but we both had issues. She thought I meant marriage issues and I said "No, we are reproductively challenged". I told her we had been not preventing not avoiding right after we got married. Right when we were getting into the juicy details another employee walked in and she had to go and help him with something. Sooo I sat there and thought to myself... I figured it was good to be honest and to just come out and say it. I was SO nervous.
Well she came back in and I asked if I could talk to her and shut the door. She said "sure". So I told her we had been ttc for over 3 years. I told her we had went to the doctor to get tested and it seems we both had problems. I said that we were limited to testing and treatment because of financial reasons but that now Aaron had awesome insurance in this. I told her that we are moving forward and that our doc recommended IVF. I said it was the best option for us and that we are planning to get into it asap. I told her that it wouldn't affect my work but I would be late or be out a couple of hours here and there for bloodwork and ultrasounds. I told her I probably would need maybe a total of 2 whole days (not consecutively) but maybe for ER and ET. I told her it would be around the time I get my new sick and vacation leave (I only have several hours that I can use now but my time comes in on November 15) so I will have the time.
It shocked me and am so happy to report that she was SO supportive!!!! :) She told me to do what I had to do and that she had a feeling about me... She said I was always going to the doctor and that it went through her mind. I was embarrased about that because I thought I hid it pretty well! She said for me not to worry about her telling anybody. That it isn't anybody's business. I told her that I felt very strong about this because this was something very personal, sacred and even embarrassing. She told me not to be embarrased, that it happens to people, even good people. She said you just have to deal with it. She also said that she is totally for a woman being a mother. That it is a gift. I told her that I had been worried about it because I didn't know whether to tell her or not and even thought of telling our director. But she said, "Don't worry about it. That is just something trivial. You have enought to worry about and this is something small." She said that she wouldn't even tell our director unless he came to her directly asking about me. She also said that if her son and d-i-l still had problems in November that they were going in to get tested. She said if they do, she would get my doctor's information since I mentioned how great he was!
I feel like a 1000 pounds have been lifted off of my shoulders. I am so happy and relieved. God is really on my side and is helping me, even with the small things. I am blessed to have a boss that totally understood where I was coming from.....
So that is my happy news. I have a BIG headache right now so I am a bit out of it. I am now just praying that I get my period soon. I am on day 3 of provera so still have 7 more pills to take. Then the wait is on for AF. Hopefully she comes right after my last pill. I am trying to calculate the days and I am falling perfectly in before they close the RE's clinic down in December. They close it down after the 2nd week because of OSHHA regulations... The counselor said I should fit in perfectly but that is as long as my period cooperates. If not, then I would probably have to wait until next year... That is NOT what I want. Hopefully my body works the way it should right now.....
Thats it for now!
Well she came back in and I asked if I could talk to her and shut the door. She said "sure". So I told her we had been ttc for over 3 years. I told her we had went to the doctor to get tested and it seems we both had problems. I said that we were limited to testing and treatment because of financial reasons but that now Aaron had awesome insurance in this. I told her that we are moving forward and that our doc recommended IVF. I said it was the best option for us and that we are planning to get into it asap. I told her that it wouldn't affect my work but I would be late or be out a couple of hours here and there for bloodwork and ultrasounds. I told her I probably would need maybe a total of 2 whole days (not consecutively) but maybe for ER and ET. I told her it would be around the time I get my new sick and vacation leave (I only have several hours that I can use now but my time comes in on November 15) so I will have the time.
It shocked me and am so happy to report that she was SO supportive!!!! :) She told me to do what I had to do and that she had a feeling about me... She said I was always going to the doctor and that it went through her mind. I was embarrased about that because I thought I hid it pretty well! She said for me not to worry about her telling anybody. That it isn't anybody's business. I told her that I felt very strong about this because this was something very personal, sacred and even embarrassing. She told me not to be embarrased, that it happens to people, even good people. She said you just have to deal with it. She also said that she is totally for a woman being a mother. That it is a gift. I told her that I had been worried about it because I didn't know whether to tell her or not and even thought of telling our director. But she said, "Don't worry about it. That is just something trivial. You have enought to worry about and this is something small." She said that she wouldn't even tell our director unless he came to her directly asking about me. She also said that if her son and d-i-l still had problems in November that they were going in to get tested. She said if they do, she would get my doctor's information since I mentioned how great he was!
I feel like a 1000 pounds have been lifted off of my shoulders. I am so happy and relieved. God is really on my side and is helping me, even with the small things. I am blessed to have a boss that totally understood where I was coming from.....
So that is my happy news. I have a BIG headache right now so I am a bit out of it. I am now just praying that I get my period soon. I am on day 3 of provera so still have 7 more pills to take. Then the wait is on for AF. Hopefully she comes right after my last pill. I am trying to calculate the days and I am falling perfectly in before they close the RE's clinic down in December. They close it down after the 2nd week because of OSHHA regulations... The counselor said I should fit in perfectly but that is as long as my period cooperates. If not, then I would probably have to wait until next year... That is NOT what I want. Hopefully my body works the way it should right now.....
Thats it for now!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Okay, so I am over my pity party! I am officially over the moon!!
First off, I want to "publicly" thank God. He is soooo good!! I am just in awe of His work and how much He loves me. I know that I have complained and mumbled "why me's" but now I see why and I see Him at work in my life. Infertility has brought me to a place of isolation. The type of isolation that no ONE, NO ONE, can fathom but you. I am brought to a place of lonliness. A place of great sadness. Darkness. A place that I have given the title of "Journey with God". That's the only title I can think of that can describe my situation and how I feel about it. I have been on this journey for 3 years +! Of course, Aaron is right there but as said before alot of times he doesn't get it. That's when I go into my prayer closet and vent to the Lord. Or cry. Or scream. ;)
I visualize myself walking down a dark, dusty road all by myself in a white but dirty, thin, above-the-knee dress... barefoot. A looooooong road that is lonely and cold. I never see the sun, only darkness. But before I can even "think" that I am all by myself, I remember, God is right here with me. There is nobody that I can hitch a ride with since it's an abandoned road. There is nobody's cell phone that I can use to call Aaron or anybody to come and get me. It's just me and God. I have no choice but to talk to Him. I have no choice but to ask him, where do I go? What path do you want me to take? I am at a crossroad. Which one do I take? Do I stop and rest or keep going? Do I quit all together and just wait to die? Will I make it?
Now God might not always answer me. I might not even feel Him there. But He is. And deep in my heart I know He is. My mind might tell me, "NO He isn't, you are all alone. There are sooo many other things that are way MORE important than this." But a voice in my heart says "Yes, I am right here. I am right here with you. I won't leave you. I will walk with you just trust in ME." And so I go down the road and just wait to hear His direction. Along the road I also thank Him for the things that I do have. My sight that helps me see Him, my determination. My trust. My loved ones. I thank Him for letting me take this dark and dirty road all by myself. There is NO way I would have asked Him, or let Him guide me in one of the most importand decisions of my life if I wasn't here on the road. I would have just taken it for granted. I would have just said "thanks again" and moved on. I would be the same Diana I was 5 years ago. I wouldn't be so grateful to Him for the things He has done so far. I would't have a tremondous trust in Him that I have in my heart that nobody can shake, not even my crazy mind. I wouldn't have called out to Him. I wouldn't be able to say "I praised Him in the worst times of my life, it might had been a squeal of a praise, or a whisper because I had NO strength to do so, but I praised Him. I praised Him! I praise HIM now. " I can't possible take that back or wouldn't even dare change that for a bit! I always tell Him, that I will remember this road. Even if I come to the end and finally get to my destination, I will remember. I will not take it for granted. He has held my hand, he has lifted my chin and dried my tears so many times that I can't forget it. It is etched in my heart. It is tatooed on my heart. It is written in blood in my heart. He forever has changed me all because we were on that dark road, just me and Him.
Secondly, I just want to write about how excited I am! I am soo happy and am looking forward to this IVF procedure. I have thought over what Dr. Dunn said like a million times and I can't help but to catch his enthusiasm. I prayed for him and how I want him to take in account my best interest. I prayed that God would watch over him and that he would guide him in treating me. I am a child of God which is the King of kings. I expect the best!
I just dropped of my prescription earlier. I will pick it up today after work. So I will now be taking 5 pills a day! Yowza! 4 Glucophage XR and one birth control pill.
Yup, birth control. How funny and ironic?? Well bcp's are to get my cycle ready and regulated before getting on drugs. They also help with the cysts and get me to start AF in a regular time. Soo thats what I am doing for now. I will take them for a month and then once my AF (aunt flow- or period) comes I will call and go to a class on the drugs (shots) and how to give the shots. Soo its moving pretty fast. My egg retrieval will be in end of Nov or early December. Soo I might just have my bfp (big fat positive- test) by Christmas. You can't tell but that makes me smile just thinking about it. :)
So thats it for now... I will update when needed or come here to vent. hehe
First off, I want to "publicly" thank God. He is soooo good!! I am just in awe of His work and how much He loves me. I know that I have complained and mumbled "why me's" but now I see why and I see Him at work in my life. Infertility has brought me to a place of isolation. The type of isolation that no ONE, NO ONE, can fathom but you. I am brought to a place of lonliness. A place of great sadness. Darkness. A place that I have given the title of "Journey with God". That's the only title I can think of that can describe my situation and how I feel about it. I have been on this journey for 3 years +! Of course, Aaron is right there but as said before alot of times he doesn't get it. That's when I go into my prayer closet and vent to the Lord. Or cry. Or scream. ;)
I visualize myself walking down a dark, dusty road all by myself in a white but dirty, thin, above-the-knee dress... barefoot. A looooooong road that is lonely and cold. I never see the sun, only darkness. But before I can even "think" that I am all by myself, I remember, God is right here with me. There is nobody that I can hitch a ride with since it's an abandoned road. There is nobody's cell phone that I can use to call Aaron or anybody to come and get me. It's just me and God. I have no choice but to talk to Him. I have no choice but to ask him, where do I go? What path do you want me to take? I am at a crossroad. Which one do I take? Do I stop and rest or keep going? Do I quit all together and just wait to die? Will I make it?
Now God might not always answer me. I might not even feel Him there. But He is. And deep in my heart I know He is. My mind might tell me, "NO He isn't, you are all alone. There are sooo many other things that are way MORE important than this." But a voice in my heart says "Yes, I am right here. I am right here with you. I won't leave you. I will walk with you just trust in ME." And so I go down the road and just wait to hear His direction. Along the road I also thank Him for the things that I do have. My sight that helps me see Him, my determination. My trust. My loved ones. I thank Him for letting me take this dark and dirty road all by myself. There is NO way I would have asked Him, or let Him guide me in one of the most importand decisions of my life if I wasn't here on the road. I would have just taken it for granted. I would have just said "thanks again" and moved on. I would be the same Diana I was 5 years ago. I wouldn't be so grateful to Him for the things He has done so far. I would't have a tremondous trust in Him that I have in my heart that nobody can shake, not even my crazy mind. I wouldn't have called out to Him. I wouldn't be able to say "I praised Him in the worst times of my life, it might had been a squeal of a praise, or a whisper because I had NO strength to do so, but I praised Him. I praised Him! I praise HIM now. " I can't possible take that back or wouldn't even dare change that for a bit! I always tell Him, that I will remember this road. Even if I come to the end and finally get to my destination, I will remember. I will not take it for granted. He has held my hand, he has lifted my chin and dried my tears so many times that I can't forget it. It is etched in my heart. It is tatooed on my heart. It is written in blood in my heart. He forever has changed me all because we were on that dark road, just me and Him.
Secondly, I just want to write about how excited I am! I am soo happy and am looking forward to this IVF procedure. I have thought over what Dr. Dunn said like a million times and I can't help but to catch his enthusiasm. I prayed for him and how I want him to take in account my best interest. I prayed that God would watch over him and that he would guide him in treating me. I am a child of God which is the King of kings. I expect the best!
I just dropped of my prescription earlier. I will pick it up today after work. So I will now be taking 5 pills a day! Yowza! 4 Glucophage XR and one birth control pill.
Yup, birth control. How funny and ironic?? Well bcp's are to get my cycle ready and regulated before getting on drugs. They also help with the cysts and get me to start AF in a regular time. Soo thats what I am doing for now. I will take them for a month and then once my AF (aunt flow- or period) comes I will call and go to a class on the drugs (shots) and how to give the shots. Soo its moving pretty fast. My egg retrieval will be in end of Nov or early December. Soo I might just have my bfp (big fat positive- test) by Christmas. You can't tell but that makes me smile just thinking about it. :)
So thats it for now... I will update when needed or come here to vent. hehe
Monday, October 02, 2006
Finally the day has come!! Yahooo!!! Our appt went very good. Our doctor is very nice (shouts out to Dr. Dunn) and supportive. He went over our history and gave us his advice as far as what we can do etc.. He went over IUI with injectibles and then IVF. He said those were 2 good options for us. He said we could do 3 IUI's and then if not PG then we would definately move into IVF. We told him that with our male factor and my pcos we think its best just to move into IVF. So he told me that he wanted me to switch to Glucophage Extended release at 2000 mg a day instead of the regular Met asap. He said he will not do any kind of ovulation stimulation until I have been on that for 4 weeks because that will optimize my eggies. He said that my bloodwork only showed PCOs.. No thyroid, or adrenal gland problems which is very good. Also my eggs are in perfect condition and that even with PCOS my eggs are the same as a woman my age w/o pcos only I don't ovulate on my own. He said he gives us a HIGH chance of pg being soo young with IVF (I think he said like a 60 % or higher). He said I was his favorite type of patient because of the statistics being so high. He said to keep eating good and exercising because its always better to lose a bit of weight. He seemed aggressive and confident that the IVF will work. Oh and we are doing IVF with ICSI. He said since that he will not take the chance of the spermies not fertilizing the egg. Also, he mentioned that he will only transfer 2 embryo's at my age (which is fine!) and that IVF will be more safe in terms of multiples... unless God chose to split one of the babies into 2 and then I would have identical twins and a faternal triplet but he said this is very, very rare. He said its with injectibles and IUI that is more common to have twins or triplets or even more because of the injectibles making a lot of eggies and having no control of where the spermies go! (YIKES) He mentioned that at our age our probability of mutliples (twins) is about 1/3 - 1/4!!! I kinda was shocked but that is fine! I think I can handle twins!!! Soo the plan is this. He gave me the prescription for Provera, BCPs, and the Glucophage XR. I will start the GlucXR asap, and the provera too. Then I will start BCPs on any day of cd 1-5 to hopefully get my AF by beginning of November. By then I should have had the Gluc XR for at least 4 weeks and I will call them to schedule my class... I am soo happy but nervous! I can't believe this is real! YAY!
Who would have thought that I would be doing IVF?? I went from no insurance, no hope to FULLY PAID (besides copays and $150 deductible) infertility treatment. God is so good! I am sad that I am letting go of my dream/fantasy of making love with Aaron and making a baby. That does make me sad. I have always pictured it that way. But... sometimes life doesn't go the way WE plan. Sometimes God opens doors we didn't even know we wanted to go through much less know we would... Its a life lesson for me. And every time I look into my baby's eyes I will remember that lesson but no matter where or how my baby was conceived, Aaron and I will LOVE them and be grateful for them. <3
I think of all the times I spent with the Lord crying and praying. God does listen. I know I am not PG yet but I truly feel like its my time. I feel like God has HEARD my cry. I feel I have MOVED Him and He has come to my rescue. He was always there of course but its "the" time. Finally...
Who would have thought that I would be doing IVF?? I went from no insurance, no hope to FULLY PAID (besides copays and $150 deductible) infertility treatment. God is so good! I am sad that I am letting go of my dream/fantasy of making love with Aaron and making a baby. That does make me sad. I have always pictured it that way. But... sometimes life doesn't go the way WE plan. Sometimes God opens doors we didn't even know we wanted to go through much less know we would... Its a life lesson for me. And every time I look into my baby's eyes I will remember that lesson but no matter where or how my baby was conceived, Aaron and I will LOVE them and be grateful for them. <3
I think of all the times I spent with the Lord crying and praying. God does listen. I know I am not PG yet but I truly feel like its my time. I feel like God has HEARD my cry. I feel I have MOVED Him and He has come to my rescue. He was always there of course but its "the" time. Finally...
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