Yeah so after that I never did see AF again. lol So random...
Nothing new to report. I'm just enjoying the craziness of the holidays. I've shed a couple of single tears here and there (single because I don't let myself cry for more than just a moment) but that's to be expected around Christmas, ooooh and Easter, and Mother's Day and Father's day and my birthday.
Aaron and I chatted the other night about treatments and such and we're still not 100% there to start tomorrow but sometime in 2009 I shall start. I really would like to wait until my 30th
b-day in May so that I can still enjoy these last few months of being a crazy 20 something yr old.

I just wanted to share something that I posted on a forum that I visit/lurk in. My mind feels cramped and fuzzy right now thinking about the ivf wagon but what can I do. No miracle pg occured so most likely we'll be on that same yellow brick road soon enough.

After doing the last fresh cycle I decided to quit infertility treatments. My marriage was in shambles, I was hanging on to my sanity by a thread and I just wanted to run. I've been on break since Aug. 2007. Since then I've lost 35lbs, partied it up with my friends again, went on a REAL vacation with my hubby, and have just been happy and content being a young sassy sex-in-the-city type of gal. My marriage is doing so much better interestingly after changing MY attitude.

I still don't go to baby showers, hold babies or hang out with pg women. The only baby I can tolerate (annnnd gawd I love him so much) is my nephew. And yes, I still secretly hoped for a miracle but atlas, why would I even think it could happen?

Anywho, I told myself that when I turned 30 (in May) I just *might* go back to trying. Maybe. Well what do you know? The strings are tugging for some reason and I'm feeling that anxiety again. I am in the beginning of desiring this again. It started about 2 months ago and I somehow managed to tell myself to get over it. But it's back this week. So I'm thinking that maybe subconciously my body is realizing that it's almost my b-day and therefore it's time.

I'm so scared. Just thinking about it, makes me shiver, makes my belly flop, makes me anxious and makes my heart hurt. The way I am now (or before 2 months ago) I didn't feel that. I didn't have to face it therefore I was fine. If I start IVFing again, there goes my life. Because when I want a baby, I WANT IT and get so determined. I give myself to doctors, needles, u/s, meds, etc 100%. And that's fine but I'm just so scared of failing. I'm terrified to do another IVF or another FET and see a negative on an hpt. I'm scared of it all especially if I end up with empty arms.

Sometimes I rather live my life with never knowing if it would had worked than knowing that it didn't. At least in my own way of never knowing, I had hope. Which is so unlike me because in everything else that I do, I live my life with NO regrets. Thiis regret though, just might be worth it.

I'm just rambling but I'm just hoping that I'm not alone. That's another thing, I hate how IF and IVF make you feel so alone. IF is so hush hush already but put IVF in the mix and you might as well be a leper! Has anybody taken a long break? Did you feel this way? I just keep thinking I should be excited and hopeful but instead I'm thinking these next procedures will just be more confirmation of what I fear the most.