So it's Thursday! This week is going by sooo freaking S L OOOOOOO W! I wish it was Monday already!!! I can't believe I am only days away from my first IVF appt. It used to be months.

The good thing is that we will be super busy this weekend therefore it might go by faster than I want! Tomorrow I am doing the children's church store that happens every 3 months. I have to do some major shopping tonight for it. Then on Saturday probably just clean and then youth service at 7 pm. Then on Sunday we have a special guest coming from Puerto Rico to rap that night at church. I think me and Aaron are going to meet him in Houston to guide him to Galveston. Then Sunday night is the concert and that's it!!! I already asked Leda (boss) for my time off so I am set to go! Yeehaaaw! I am sooo excited!

I just hope I get good news. I really hope that I can get into IVF asap! I am SO ready! I am nervous but I just want to start it.

So I guess I will go back to counting down the hours... TTYL

Blech. That is how I feel today. Vomit.
*sigh*
I ate Chinese food today. Don't I learn a lesson??? I have horrible burps and heartburn now... (thanks alot MET!)
I learned today that a coworker of mine is expecting... well his wife is. I am happy for him (although he acted otherwise) and am especially glad it's him I work with and not his wife. That way I don't have to see a big belly growing right before my eyes... But now I will have to hear about it. Oh well, I guess that's life.
If you look back on my posts, you will see that I also had a bad day last Monday. hehe What is it about Mondays??
Aaron ticked me off today too. I get tired of him procrasinating all the time. He always, always says he will do something and then doesn't or "forgets". I am tired of that LINE! Just stupid things around the house that need to get done but don't. Of course he has time for other stuff. *mad* But what can I do??? Nothing. Just wait on him to finally do it or nag or hire somebody! I am tired of nagging and I am tired of waiting so I just might hire somebody to do my garden and to detail and wash my car!!! Grrrrr...
Nothing else going on. I am a week away from my appt! That is the only GOOD thing about THIS Monday and that will be a good thing NEXT Monday too! So I guess, I don't hate Mondays THAT much. Hehehe

My sister's birthday was yesterday and we are taking her out tonight. I had plans made but then my dad went and changed it! GRRRR... Whatever. So now I have to eat first THEN hopefully I will still have time to go workout... forget time, hopefully I still have energy! I am feeling like I have gained a few pounds and am trying to lose it before my appt. I am thinking of just fasting. Yeah right.

So Monday was a BAD day. I was depressed and grouchy. I have those days every now and then... Aaron doesn't understand me too well at those times. We usually end up fighting which sucks because it makes it worse. It wasn't any different this time. I do admit that when I have my pity parties, I am very transparent. If I am in a bad mood, you can tell. My face, my tone, my body expressions...etc. So Aaron is gets thrown off and thinks I am just being rude to be rude. That is not the case. I guess I can communicate better. We talked about it and we came up with a solution. Instead of fighting then him coming around to see what is wrong with me, I will tell him from the get go "hey, I am in a bad mood" or "I am having a hard day". This way he knows if I get short or rude, he knows why. Therefore, I am excused in a sorta kinda way. :)
So anyway, it was a bad day. I was just feeling sorry for myself. I really really really want a child and its burning me up! Arrggg... I wish I could just wake up on the day I give birth although if you have seen "Click", it makes sense not too forward... I guess I will be thankful for my adventure once it's done. It will be very emotional to put together my scrapbook of my journey. How can I manage to glue my feelings down on a couple of colorful pages?

So I am 11 days away from my first consultation! I am trying not to think about it so that it goes by fast and its working!! I am getting a bit more nervous every day but thats normal for me. I get sooo nervous in the doctor's office that sometimes my blood pressure goes up! Once I am settled its normal... During my hsg, I had big, huge, bulging eyes wandering around the room. Every step or move the doc would make, I would follow him.. with my eyeballs. I felt like I was going to faint for a bit but I took deep breaths and was fine. I also had the whole sweaty palm thing going. Soo I can just imagine how I will be the day of the actual IVF appt. OMG.... can you imagine how nervous I will be at ER and ET?

So I have started to work out again. I know, I should have started way sooner because I wanted to lose some weight before seeing my new RE but I didn't. Its better late then never, I guess. I will be heading back tonight and am actually excited. I haven't worked out at a gym in a looong time. Plus, this one has alot of old people in it! It's more friendly for the ones that are out of shape like me. That way, I don't have to stare at meatheads or toned chicks. Soo I am off to get buff!!!!

Ahh. My hsg... Here is the story... I was soo nervous and angry on the way! I had to be there at 1:15 (clinic is about 45 minutes) and I had to run by the bank first right at 12 pm. The usual wait is about 5 minutes but it was 15 minutes minutes! :angry: Then once I get going I am going 10 miles an hour for about 20 minutes!!!! Usually on the highway I fly at around 70 mph but I was going 10 miles! Come to find out a big trailer house was being moved and I was behind it!!! OMG. The lady at the RE told me "be there a 1:15 because you need to register". So of course I start crying but soon its over. So I am flying at about 80 mph (i know...bad) and again. Traffic completly stops!! I am really freaking out. Dh is calling me telling me he is waiting for me :angry: . So I am on the right hand side and I am in a little Saturn Ion. By now its about 12:50!!! I am not even half way there!! Soooo I say a prayer and go over the grass hoping there is no mud or holes in which my little car will get stuck. I am bumping and bouncing over on to the fetur (sp??) like a crazy woman and finally get over. Hey...I look back and I started a trend. Lots and lots of cars do the same. (how cool am I ??) What was the hold up? There must of been a wreck since the Fire Dept was hosing down the complete northbound hwy!! So again.. flying. Again traffic jam. ( :angry: :angry: ) This time though..I got off before hand and managed to skip it all. Can you beleive 3 TRAFFIC JAMS!! I was in shock. I knew that if they cancelled me I was going to have to wait until next cycle because I was on cd 11 and they only do it up to cd 13. I picked my dh up and he drove the rest. I got there at about 1:35!! The registering lady was cool though. My registration took only about 7 minutes!!! ( :angry: I almost died on the way over here lady!) And off I went.
Dh didn't get to go in there but it was nice for him to be there. So my hsg was great! I took my antibiotics the night before and 3 advil about an hour before and it cramped a bit but nothing too much. I did get scared when the doc told me roll over on my left side (and that hurt like a mo-fo!) but it was over soon. He told me my tubes are both opened and look great!!!! I think I was just soo nervous and it made it worse. Then all the anxiety attacks I had when flying over there. The "not knowing what to expect" was my thing. EWwww... how come no one told me that when I get up I would leak! I leaked a whole trail of stuff on the floor! YUCK! (I guess its common sense but it was ALOT!) I kinda imagined it being like my water breaking. ha A hot gush just running out of me. So they told me that next I see Dr. Dunn on Oct 2nd. Yay!!!

I am very happy for the results of course, but I am happy that its over with and that I move on. Hopefully my IVF appt goes just as well...

So today is the day... of my hsg! Woohooo and ayiyi at the same time. I keep looking at the clock and wishing it was 2pm but then I wish time would go by S L O W E R. I know for the ttc "experts/professionals" the hsg is nothing compared to the other more invasive procedures but since all I have done is b/w and 1 ultrasound, this is BIG in my world. I keep having stupid thoughts of "what if they can't find my tubes... what if my tubes are blocked?...what if my tubes are deformed...what if my uterus is deformed... what if my tubes are enlarged... what if I don't have any tubes????..." Crazy thoughts, I know but it doesn't matter. I am not in the state of compromising or sanity.

Aaron is on his first job STILL. I am worried that he won't get off early enough. I am praying though... I need him by my side today.

So I did my usual "tune up" before gyn/RE appts this morning. I am clean shaven and smelling good all for my doc! I wonder if Aaron gets jealous?! Hehe... I don't shave my legs especially for him. ha!

Well I will post my results sometime soon. Our internet at home is down right now so maybe it won't be until Monday?.

Blah... having one of those pity parties today. AF is gone and my hsg is this Friday. I am nervous but excited to get the process going. I am just feeling the anxiety that I get every now and then where something in my heart tugs. I have been wanting this for over 3 years!! (probably close to 4 but "officially" 3) I can't believe I am sane. After all my breakdowns and offending thoughts, I should be in the looney tune hospital. Hmmm... lets see something. 3 years equals to 1095 days. That means for 1095 days I have had the same waking thought and prayer and the same thought and prayer going through my mind as I drift off to sleep. Isn't that too much for a person already?? I really think I deserve this. I am sure there are women who ttc far longer than I have but I just feel like I have done my time. I used to think I didn't deserve it because of my past or my mistakes but now I feel like I have paid. I feel that I have been patient (impatient at times too!) enough and that God should look down on me and give it to me! I have cried and cried. I have screamed many times (out loud...and into my pillow). I have punched. I have been envious of other's growing bellies. I have avoided babyshowers and sometimes even babies. I have lost 15 lbs. (still need more) I have been an advocate in MY own infertility journey meaning that I have found a way to get insurance coverage. I have always kept my future baby(ies) best interest in house shopping and car shopping (couldn't get a 2 door car!!). I have prayed and been prayed FOR. I have talked to Aaron. I have prayed with him. I have fasted. I have praised God when I was in my deepest longest depression. I have talked about it with my parents. I have bought maternity clothes. I have bought baby clothing and blankets. I have picked out my crib for baby boy or baby girl. I have talked to my sister about painting a mural for the nursery. I have waited and waited.........

wow. So don't you think I deserve this by now? Not many couples have all this ready for their first child. This reminds me. There are things that I actually AM thankful for and that the only reason why these things ARE are because of our infertility. Lets see... I am thankful that when we ARE blessed with our baby he/she (or twins) will be sooooooo loved. Not that they wouldn't be loved other wise but come on... 3 years of waiting!!! Also, I have seen how patient I am. I have seen how strong I am. I have seen how passionate I can be when I really want something. I am proud of myself for that. I am thankful that my marriage is stronger now that 5 years have passed. I am thankful that we have a house in which the baby(ies) will have his/her (their) own rooms.
Hm. This list wasn't as long as the other one but come on! 3 years!!!

Sooooo I don't think I will post everyday as I have but I am bored here at work and after looking and lurking and posting on FF all day long, I have nothing else to look at, lurk at, or post. Sooo I came here.
Aaron got home late again last night. He has been working overtime this week...alot. It will be nice with all the extra $ but I miss him and I hate that he comes home and then has to go to bed. Oh well...I think its because he is new.
So he told me since he has been working so much and making overtime (cha-ching!) his supervisor was getting in trouble and told him that next week he could leave early one day. Soo I remembered my hsg and told Aaron if he could come with me then. He told me to call and change my appt. (yippeee) So I called this morning and the lady changed it from Wednesday to Friday. And this time its at 2:00 pm instead of in the morning. That is good that way I can go home if I am not feeling well afterwards. The only thing was that on Wednesday I was going to have a female RE performing it and now its a male RE. I hope he is gentle down there or else I am going to kick him in the teeth!!!! So that problem is settled. Betsy and my mom sounded like they couldn't come or weren't too sure about their schedules so now I am happy that my dear husband will be there. That way, he can see first hand what I have to go through. (j/k)

This AF is NOT playing. I am cramping and just feeling blah. I hope she leaves soon.

Tonight we have church. Too bad I can't go home and lay on the couch like I have been doing this week since AF. Oh well. I have to find a gift and a curtain today after work and before church. I totally am NOT feeling it.

So I called to just check up on my release of records that I had faxed over on 8-28-06 to my old doctor. Well good thing I did!!! They didn't receive them! GRRRRR... So I faxed them over again and this time CALLED and made sure they had them in their hands. I will call again next week to check. I just want everything to be ready for my consult. Its still pretty far (oct 2) but the days seem to be going by fast.

This weekend I need to organize our office. Its the "junky" room right now and our office is in the future nursery. I need to switch the rooms around and clean up the new office. I can't believe we have been there a year and its still not done. Oh well. I need to at least get everything moved out and the new stuff moved in. The filing and decorating can get done during the week. I just need Aaron's help for the big stuff. It wouldn't hurt if he helped with the filing and cleaning since most of it is his stuff anyway.
Then I have a little cousin's b-day party to go to. Ahhh, the kid's parties. There will be a million and four kids/babies there of course (duh, we are mexican...lots and lots of kids...except me of course). So I need to look hot and look like I don't care that I don't have a kid bouncing on my hip. I need to avoid all the deep conversations so I can avoid the never ending question of "so, when are you going to have kids?". So depressing huh? Yep, thats the story of my life...for now! (positive thinking)

The vampires got me this morning! :( I had 9 tubes of blood drawn but at least the lady was great! I didn't feel a thing! That was the best needle I have had in my skin. (ewww, that sounds gross). I spoke to the nurse this morning too because I can't get Dh in to get his 3rd SA done with the old RE. Sooo I called the new RE to see if they could set one up but she said to just wait and that they will do it on the 2nd (consult day). Soo dh has another several weeks to wait. But that is okay. I am just ready for our appt to come. Next Wednesday, I have my hsg. I am dreading it. Aaron can't come with me so I might make my mom, sister OR cousin come with me. I am afraid I will faint or something dramatic like that. :)
I gotta say, I have never been more excited for the vampires to get me. I feel like I am doing "something". KWIM???
Last night I had major PMS! I was griping and yelling at Aaron for not calling and cancelling his lessons and leaving me to deal with them. (I had a right to be mad about this!!) But he pissed me off so much because he wasn't responding. So I followed him into the bedroom and threw my very light weight flip flop at him! He just looked at me and said "don't do that again". GULP. I felt bad but I started laughing and so did he. I guess he remembered, "oh yeah, she's bleeding". Soo I got off the hook for domestic violence. We made up (too bad we couldn't "really" make up ;) ) and watched tv like boring old farts... thats my story for today.

Hello! I am 27 years old and my dh (Aaron) is 25. We have been ttc #1 for a bit over 3 years. (waa!) I have PCOS and dh has MFI (very low count and morph). We had to try naturally for a long while then tried clomid. I did ovulate but what good is that when Dh's boys are not in good shape! We didn't do any kind of procedure since we had NO infertility insurance BUT God answered my prayers. Aaron found a job with Time Warner and what do you know??? They cover IF coverage 100% AFTER a $150 deductible!! I have 3 tries with IUI and 3 tries with IVF!! Woohoooooo!

SO now of course I am going crazy trying to get in. I decided to skip ahead from IUI since Aaron's analysis were very low and our best bet would be IVF. We have our first consultation on October 2nd. Meanwhile I have cd 3 b/w to be done tomorrow and an HSG scheduled for next Wednesday... Aaron also has his third SA next Monday. We had to get all this done by our consultation so it looks like we will. I am so excited!!!

Now on to the vulnerable, open hearted blogging. I am excited but I am also scared. I am sad and angry that I have to do IVF in order to achieve something that sooooooooo many achieve by a one night stand or when doing drugs... or at 14 years old. But... I have accepted it (really, I have?) and have decided to just go forward. I am scared that it won't work. I am scared that the RE will tell me to come back when I am older or have lost weight. I am scared that because Aaron is young they will tell us to give it time. I am scared my PCOS will make me overstimulate.... I am SO freakin scared of the needles! Anyway, I am frightened. I know that this has to be normal and all my feelings are rightful. I am praying and asking God to give me strength and to be with me right now. Aaron is there but it still feels lonely. I feel like no one understands not even Aaron. He will see what I go through and he has seen what I have gone through to this day but he has never felt it nor will he ever. He has seen bloody tears running down my face. He has held me while I was shaking uncontrollably too many times to count. But he has never felt my shame or pain. He has never felt why the tears fall down. He doesn't feel the emptyness that I have felt for 3 YEARS! He doesn't know how it feels to stop in my living room and listen: QUIET. I have many times done this and feel my heart break. It is sooo quiet (well besides my 2 dogs and 1 cat) there sometimes. I yearn to hear a baby cry, laugh, coo, whatever. Aaron doesn't know that feeling... My point is, even the person that I love the most and loves me the most, doesn't UNDERSTAND this journey. Only me. That's why I ask God to be with me. It is said He is everywhere and walks with us. I want Him to walk with me where Aaron can't. I want Him to give me strength that I lack. Is this too mushy?? Sorry, had to get it out.





****wanted to add some of my abbreviation terms... I used them alot since I am used to the fertilityfriend website.

AF- Aunt Flow (period)
IF- Infertility
DH- Dear Husband
BFP- Big Fat Positive (on pregnancy test)
BFN- Big Fat Negative (on pregnancy test)
PG- Pregnant or pregnancy
IVF- In Vitro Fertilization
U/S- Ultrasound
B/W- Bloodwork
PCOS- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (multiple cysts on my ovaries)
MFI- Male Factor Infertility
S/A- Semen Analysis (test to check morphology, count, and motility of sperm)
CD- Cycle Day (cycle day 1 is first day of period and you count to the end of that whole cycle)
RE- Reproductive Endocronologist (infertility doctor)
HSG- Um.. don't know how to spell it but its the test where they put dye through your fallopian tubes to see if they are open)
FF- Fertility Friend (website that I am on all the time! Women who chart to conceive)
TTC- Trying to Conceive
Met- Metformin (medication used for diabetes but oddly enough also for PCOS... and no I don't have diabetes)
IUI- Inuterine insemination
ICSI- again, this one I don't know how to spell but its used for severe male infertility in which they actually pick the ONE special sperm and inject it into the egg that way they don't have to fertilize on their own because sometimes they can't
BCP- Birth contol pills (my case, used in our ivf cycle)

*********