The 'ole witch is here!! CD#1 for me, baby!!!! I just called Honey to go over my protocol. I am finally excited!!!!!!!! This is the start to something new and hopefully something WONDERFUL. I am ready to give my little embies a home. I just pray that everything from now on goes smoothly.

I was talking to Aaron last night because I have been having doubts about FET this cycle. Not because of negative thoughts but because my sister is getting married in December. The eighth to be exact. I am feeling bad in case I do become PG because I don't want to miss her wedding of course. I don't care to be big and fat. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't miss her wedding for that. Aaron says to DO IT. He wants to have a baby THIS year 2007, even if they come on Christmas. So we are going for it!!! I wouldn't be due until around Christmas time anyways but still... its a chance to take but Aaron and I are both wanting this baby THIS year!!!!! I am sure everything will work itself out.

I am popping my last pill tonight! YIKES. I can't believe I will be starting the meds back up this week. It seems surreal. I am ready though!! I have been walking again and actually did some running. We are going again tonight. I have been eating alot of protein and drinking lots of water. I just want to feel healthier in general. Have I mentioned that I am excited and scared??? :)

I forgot to mention that I had a dream the other night about doing another fresh ivf cycle. I was in the OR with the RE (who wasn't my RE, it was a woman I had never seen) and she was sitting in front of me. I guess I had had my retrieval already. Well she goes on to tell me she had gotten 3,000 eggs (huh????) . I responded "isn't that bad?" She said "we will see." Then I woke up. Imagine 3000 eggs????? LORD!!

Crazy... I guess thats just me being stressed already. I told my mom how I had been feeling and of course I got a lecture of how I need to be positive blah blah blah. It felt good to just say how miserable and sad I am though. At least I know I have extra prayers coming my way, right?

The fertiles... Well my bestfriend just called me to tell me she is pg. Yup. They tried 3 weeks ago and they are now expecting. They have 2 other kids that are 8 and 5 so this is number 3. I can't believe it worked that fast!!!!!! She was just going on and on about it and finally she let me go and then she called me back and I didn't answer. I know she can't help it but come on, I just told her about my m/c about a month ago and I told her we had to do ivf too. I came out to her about everything!! Why couldn't she just be a little more sensitive? It stings bad right now...

I had a talk with my boss this morning. Sometimes we get to talking and even though I am not close to her, I can tell her almost anything about this whole ivf. Its weird, but I can open up MORE to people that I am not as close to... I guess because I don't have to see her everyday its easier plus she listens and she gives good advice.
I shared how scared I am. I feeling very negative (mentioned this before) and thoughts have started to rise. I wonder if I should do this FET now, I wonder if maybe I should wait a little longer. Dr. Dunn was perfectly fine with it so if he is and he is the expert, then I guess I am too. Aaron wants to move on and so do I but I don't know at times. I do remember feeling this way before my IVF cycle too so I guess its part of the package. I remember right before doing my first shot I started to think about not starting. So again, its the same I feel now.
I am not as scared to miscarry again. I mean, I am but I am hoping that Aaron's results come in normal and if so, then I don't think I will worry about it too much. Of course, if I end up PG I will be terrified before every appt especially around the time we lost our baby- 8 weeks. Okay! I take it back! Now that I think about it, I will be terrified if I get pg again!!!... But what I really am scared of is seeing a negative. I might take it really really hard because of the miscarriage. It will probably bring it back up.
The fears have me pinned down but I am trying to just get back in it. I started to exercise again and am trying to be more positive by telling myself it will work. I am trying to pray again. I haven't been because I am angry but I will start. I am also looking at my calander and have all my known appts and events on it. It helps me to count down the days until the next big thing. My transfer is less than a month away!!! I need to focus my thoughts on those 4 little embryos. My boss said that I should think about that when the negative thoughts come my way. She said that they want a warm and cozy home (my belly) and that at least one of them could make it. She said that I could carry one of them to term, deliver and then have that baby look up at his mother's big brown eyes. It made me want to cry. She said to think about it that way. It could happen! She said I will be such a good mother and not to give up. She said if it was her, she'd want to get pg right away again! She is right. I do and hopefully I will.
So as of now, I have decided to take her advice and to allow myself feel hopeful again. I have decided to not let that tragedy of losing my baby, keep me in that dark zone I have been in. Its too scary there and I could easily stay there for years.
Aaron has been so hopeful and so kind to me. We have had our share of misunderstandings during all of this but he is letting me just feel. I guess he finally got the point that nothing he says is going to fix my pain, but that he could just listen. That always helps.
Yesterday I got home and was VERY sad. I was crying on the way home just meditating on everything and I just wanted to be alone. He asked if there was anything he could do, I said no. He asked what was wrong... I got smart and answered "what the hell do you THINK is wrong???" (duh, aaron). I told him I was just tired of everything and to please just leave me alone. Fortunately he had plans so I asked him to leave a bit earlier (he did) and I was left alone to sulk and cry. I decided to go for a walk and watch some tv and felt so much better. By the time he got home, I had dinner half way done and was in a happy mood. I am SO sure he thinks I am crazy!! (lol) Oh well... my honey has his bad traits too.
In closing, today will be a start to a new beginning. It will be a new season for me and Aaron and hopefully soon there will be new life coming into OUR life.

Change of plans!

So I took an hpt on Friday night (hey, I was all alone and bored!!!) and it was negative, stark white too! So I was actually happy seening this as I can now start provera. I started the very next day. SO I am on my 3rd day! I am expecting AF sometime midweek next week.

I have been sad lately. I have thinking about our little angel alot. I just can't seem to move on. I do fake it in front of people and I am sure I look like I am doing pretty good and all but I know and now dh knows, that I am infact, not doing so hot. I think of how far along I would be and I cry. I don't know exactly what date and week but I know the range and I know that I would be hitting the exciting part which is feeling the baby move, dh feeling him/her, and of course the BIG u/s. I hate that I didn't get to experience that. It just pisses me off and at the same time my heart shatters each time I think about it. I miss the baby so much. I just wish I could rewind time. I wish I would have known the future that way I could have taken more time to love my baby and be happy instead of paranoid. I wish alot of things. It just sucks.

I have been crying again too and once the first tear rolls down, MANY follow. I just feel like I can't get over it. I felt this right after my m/c then I felt better and like I could move on. Now I am back to that place where I just want to crawl in my bed and hide. I can't see tomorrow, I don't know how I will get up from this. I did tell Aaron that I do know my limits though. I know that I could easily sink into depression over this. I could sink into bitterness and anger over this. Of course I am all of the above now but I like to think I have a moderate case and it's not severe just yet. I know that if I got into a dark place I probably wouldn't be able to get out...so I try to not let myself get there. I cry and scream but I tell myself "okay, I feel better".
I am pissed at God, I won't lie. I still say He is good but that doesn't stop me from being mad at Him. I know He didn't kill my baby or anything but I just don't understand the point of this. I don't understand what the point WAS. I don't understand why He couldn't just give this to me. I can't understand why, why, why... I am sure I never will but you can bet your ASS I will ask Him when I get there.
I am not praying anymore. Aaron and I pray together and we are praying for our procedure but as far as me praying on my own, it just doesn't happen. I just don't have any words. I do tell Him I am pissed at Him. I tell Him that one day I will be able to give Him praise but right now I can't. I tell Him that I do love Him. It sucks too!

I have been thinking of this FET and I am not as excited. I am more scared. I am terrified that it won't work. I am scared that I will be left with a negative and that that will make the m/c even worse!!!! I am scared that I will miscarry again. I am scared, scared, scared. I am just taking it one day at a time and my attitude isn't as naive as it was with the fresh cycle. I hope to be wonderfully surprised though. God, I wish I didn't have to do this again.

Aaron is good though. He has been sharing with me that he also gets sad from time to time. He says that he sees PG women and he thinks about how far along I would be. When he sees babies or toddlers he says he gets this tugging in his chest that hurts.
Its good to hear he is also going through this as its comforting but at the same time, it hurts to hear him hurting about this.
Aaron doesn't like to talk about adoption because he is just CERTAIN we will have children of our own and in his mind, if we talk about it, its like we don't believe. Well I agree but at the same time, I want to be realistic. I am young, he is younger so we still have time but still... many many women just go childless. Not many, but there are some out there. There are 2 in my family that went childless. So I asked him if we could adopt, of course he said no, blah blah, we will have our own children and we aren't giving up yet. So I said, I am not trying to adopt RIGHT NOW, but I just want to know that I WILL be mother in my lifetime. I don't care if the child(ren) is from my blood or body, that is so miniscule now. I just want to be a mom. I just want to know in MY mind that yes, I will be a mom someday. So he said "of course, if we never had children we would definately adopt". Do you know how better that made me feel?? So much better.

Its crazy. All this ttc crap is crazy. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't believe people actually make babies in their bedroom by having sex. That seems so foreign to me... Its just crazy.

I was supposed to start provera on Valentine's Day. I was trying to time it so that I would get af during the week and not during the weekend. Well the only condition was I had to take a pregnancy test (per nurse) before popping any of those little pills. SO I did that night and I got a light line. I called the nurse the next day and of course I can't take the af bringing pills just yet. I have to wait and test again (she said a week but I am going for 3 days). If its still ++ by a week, I have to go in and do b/w.
I didn't test after my miscarriage as many women do. They want to see hcg go down therefore they test until they get back to negative. I didn't because I didn't want to see a fake line on there. Well I still had to see it on V-day and it sucked!!!!

I am now going to be a week behind meaning transfer won't be until 3rd week of March. I know its not much of a difference but I just want to move on.

Oh well. I guess my body isn't quite ready yet the way my heart and mind are.

Happy Valentine's day to me!!!!! Aaron is such a romantic!!!!! My morning started off with a huge stuffed caterpillar on the couch to surprise me. Then in the car there was a beautiful basket with some yummies in it. I got chocolates, a heart diamond bracelet, a card and a cd. The cd was the best gift though!! It had Aaron singing a song that he wrote just for me. It was so beautiful that I cried all the way to work. It was about what the future holds in store for us. It was very very pretty. Once I got to work I got a rose and tulip flower arrangement delivered.
Tonight we are going to dinner. We are going to Carrabba's Italian. Dh wanted to do something different since we usually do Perrys Grill (steakhouse). Hopefully its good, which I heard it is.

So last night my 2 sisters and I headed to dinner. My middle sister got married in January and is moving to El Paso where her dh is stationed. It was nice because it was just us but it was sad towards the end. We cried and hugged. I can't believe she is leaving. Its so weird. I know we will see her again but its just different now. I am going to miss her alot. :(

I will start provera tonight or tomorrow. I am supposed to do an HPT first *insert rolling eyes emoticon here*. I will do one just for the laugh I suppose. I am sure my hcg is down to zero. I hope so.
I picked up my meds during lunch. I can't believe we are about to start again. It went by so fast.

I haven't updated in a while. I tried to once last week but it took too long so I was impatient and closed out.

The results for the testing done after my D&C came back 2 weeks ago. I am disappointed with them but what can I do. The nurse said that the tissue they tested was 100% maternal tissue meaning it was all mine. Why? I don't know. I asked if that meant that they got the wrong tissue out and was the baby still in me and she said no. What most likely happened (our RE had already assumed this as the lab was taking a bit long) was that by the time they got to the testing the baby's tissue was all dead. They weren't able to retrieve ANY live cells from him which is how they test it in the lab. The take the live cells and grow them and then they test them for different chromosome abnormalities. Well our baby didn't have any live cells to grow. I am mad that I will never know what or what did NOT go wrong. She did say that they went ahead and tested me and my chromosomes as that is very important in miscarriages. She said I was 100% perfect. Everything was in place where it should be. So in other words, I didn't pass on any chromosome problems the baby. Dh and I thought it would be better to test him also. I really really hope to get the results BEFORE our FET that way we know what we are looking at. I know I have only had one miscarriage but for me and alot more women, that is ENOUGH. I don't see why docs don't test you for all this once you have one. I guess because miscarriages are so common plus these tests are very $$, its better to just assume it was a fluke and it probably won't happen again. Well I personally can't rely on "probably". I, in no way, want to go through another loss. So I got on the ball.
If Aaron comes out with something (which I doubt, but you just never know) then we *might* hold out on the FET. I would want to see my RE to see what we can do. I imagine it would be IVF with PGD. With PGD, they test the embryos for a certain number of chromosome abnormalities. Some embryos look good and are growing so those might be the ones they choose to put back in the woman. But little do they know, they might be abnormal. With this PGD procedure you can avoid that. I sorta wish we would had done this in my first cycle, just in case...

So for now, I am going along with the FET. I will get the results of Aaron's tests in about 2 weeks which is when I will probably get AF. I am timing it perfectly with Provera just in case we back out and decide to go on to another fresh cycle.
So the plan is (for now at least) to take provera on Thursday. I expect to take the 10 pills and then get my period 3 days after my last pill. On day 3 I will start the Estrace tablets and then further along start the progesterone injections.

I am going to drop off my Rx today and pick up the provera.

The days are going by FAST for me. I can't believe we are already half way down February almost. I expect my transfer to be in the 2nd week of March *insert bug eyed emoticon here*. Its just around the corner! EEK!

I was supposed to be eating better and working out. Have I? Not a chance. I am back into my jeans which were tight when I was PG so that is good. I might start tonight though...