Change of plans!

So I took an hpt on Friday night (hey, I was all alone and bored!!!) and it was negative, stark white too! So I was actually happy seening this as I can now start provera. I started the very next day. SO I am on my 3rd day! I am expecting AF sometime midweek next week.

I have been sad lately. I have thinking about our little angel alot. I just can't seem to move on. I do fake it in front of people and I am sure I look like I am doing pretty good and all but I know and now dh knows, that I am infact, not doing so hot. I think of how far along I would be and I cry. I don't know exactly what date and week but I know the range and I know that I would be hitting the exciting part which is feeling the baby move, dh feeling him/her, and of course the BIG u/s. I hate that I didn't get to experience that. It just pisses me off and at the same time my heart shatters each time I think about it. I miss the baby so much. I just wish I could rewind time. I wish I would have known the future that way I could have taken more time to love my baby and be happy instead of paranoid. I wish alot of things. It just sucks.

I have been crying again too and once the first tear rolls down, MANY follow. I just feel like I can't get over it. I felt this right after my m/c then I felt better and like I could move on. Now I am back to that place where I just want to crawl in my bed and hide. I can't see tomorrow, I don't know how I will get up from this. I did tell Aaron that I do know my limits though. I know that I could easily sink into depression over this. I could sink into bitterness and anger over this. Of course I am all of the above now but I like to think I have a moderate case and it's not severe just yet. I know that if I got into a dark place I probably wouldn't be able to get out...so I try to not let myself get there. I cry and scream but I tell myself "okay, I feel better".
I am pissed at God, I won't lie. I still say He is good but that doesn't stop me from being mad at Him. I know He didn't kill my baby or anything but I just don't understand the point of this. I don't understand what the point WAS. I don't understand why He couldn't just give this to me. I can't understand why, why, why... I am sure I never will but you can bet your ASS I will ask Him when I get there.
I am not praying anymore. Aaron and I pray together and we are praying for our procedure but as far as me praying on my own, it just doesn't happen. I just don't have any words. I do tell Him I am pissed at Him. I tell Him that one day I will be able to give Him praise but right now I can't. I tell Him that I do love Him. It sucks too!

I have been thinking of this FET and I am not as excited. I am more scared. I am terrified that it won't work. I am scared that I will be left with a negative and that that will make the m/c even worse!!!! I am scared that I will miscarry again. I am scared, scared, scared. I am just taking it one day at a time and my attitude isn't as naive as it was with the fresh cycle. I hope to be wonderfully surprised though. God, I wish I didn't have to do this again.

Aaron is good though. He has been sharing with me that he also gets sad from time to time. He says that he sees PG women and he thinks about how far along I would be. When he sees babies or toddlers he says he gets this tugging in his chest that hurts.
Its good to hear he is also going through this as its comforting but at the same time, it hurts to hear him hurting about this.
Aaron doesn't like to talk about adoption because he is just CERTAIN we will have children of our own and in his mind, if we talk about it, its like we don't believe. Well I agree but at the same time, I want to be realistic. I am young, he is younger so we still have time but still... many many women just go childless. Not many, but there are some out there. There are 2 in my family that went childless. So I asked him if we could adopt, of course he said no, blah blah, we will have our own children and we aren't giving up yet. So I said, I am not trying to adopt RIGHT NOW, but I just want to know that I WILL be mother in my lifetime. I don't care if the child(ren) is from my blood or body, that is so miniscule now. I just want to be a mom. I just want to know in MY mind that yes, I will be a mom someday. So he said "of course, if we never had children we would definately adopt". Do you know how better that made me feel?? So much better.

Its crazy. All this ttc crap is crazy. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't believe people actually make babies in their bedroom by having sex. That seems so foreign to me... Its just crazy.