I had a talk with my boss this morning. Sometimes we get to talking and even though I am not close to her, I can tell her almost anything about this whole ivf. Its weird, but I can open up MORE to people that I am not as close to... I guess because I don't have to see her everyday its easier plus she listens and she gives good advice.
I shared how scared I am. I feeling very negative (mentioned this before) and thoughts have started to rise. I wonder if I should do this FET now, I wonder if maybe I should wait a little longer. Dr. Dunn was perfectly fine with it so if he is and he is the expert, then I guess I am too. Aaron wants to move on and so do I but I don't know at times. I do remember feeling this way before my IVF cycle too so I guess its part of the package. I remember right before doing my first shot I started to think about not starting. So again, its the same I feel now.
I am not as scared to miscarry again. I mean, I am but I am hoping that Aaron's results come in normal and if so, then I don't think I will worry about it too much. Of course, if I end up PG I will be terrified before every appt especially around the time we lost our baby- 8 weeks. Okay! I take it back! Now that I think about it, I will be terrified if I get pg again!!!... But what I really am scared of is seeing a negative. I might take it really really hard because of the miscarriage. It will probably bring it back up.
The fears have me pinned down but I am trying to just get back in it. I started to exercise again and am trying to be more positive by telling myself it will work. I am trying to pray again. I haven't been because I am angry but I will start. I am also looking at my calander and have all my known appts and events on it. It helps me to count down the days until the next big thing. My transfer is less than a month away!!! I need to focus my thoughts on those 4 little embryos. My boss said that I should think about that when the negative thoughts come my way. She said that they want a warm and cozy home (my belly) and that at least one of them could make it. She said that I could carry one of them to term, deliver and then have that baby look up at his mother's big brown eyes. It made me want to cry. She said to think about it that way. It could happen! She said I will be such a good mother and not to give up. She said if it was her, she'd want to get pg right away again! She is right. I do and hopefully I will.
So as of now, I have decided to take her advice and to allow myself feel hopeful again. I have decided to not let that tragedy of losing my baby, keep me in that dark zone I have been in. Its too scary there and I could easily stay there for years.
Aaron has been so hopeful and so kind to me. We have had our share of misunderstandings during all of this but he is letting me just feel. I guess he finally got the point that nothing he says is going to fix my pain, but that he could just listen. That always helps.
Yesterday I got home and was VERY sad. I was crying on the way home just meditating on everything and I just wanted to be alone. He asked if there was anything he could do, I said no. He asked what was wrong... I got smart and answered "what the hell do you THINK is wrong???" (duh, aaron). I told him I was just tired of everything and to please just leave me alone. Fortunately he had plans so I asked him to leave a bit earlier (he did) and I was left alone to sulk and cry. I decided to go for a walk and watch some tv and felt so much better. By the time he got home, I had dinner half way done and was in a happy mood. I am SO sure he thinks I am crazy!! (lol) Oh well... my honey has his bad traits too.
In closing, today will be a start to a new beginning. It will be a new season for me and Aaron and hopefully soon there will be new life coming into OUR life.