I feel blech today. I am having the headaches (shouldn't have bragged about how great I was doing with lupron this time), nausea, and just a feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. I go home and just plop down on the couch because that is all I can do. Food is making me wanna puke. UGH... I have heartburn. Just gross!!!

I am looking forward to the stims. I do remember feeling better once I got some estrogen in my body. I felt more balanced so I have a week or so left of this funkiness. The moods aren't pleasant either. Ask dh!

I don't have much else to say so sorry I haven't written as much this time around. I will say that I feel really good about this upcoming cycle. I don't want to be cocky but its just a feeling. I know that it could NOT work but somehow the positive thoughts beat out the negative ones.

Aaron and I were talking at lunch time. We are trying to figure out whether or not to sell our house in a couple of years. We've only been there 2 years but its already feeling too small for us. Its a new home and alot of new people of moving into the subdivision but we've been noticing that the neighborhood seems to be going "down". I think that is the main reason why we want out of there but definately another reason is the size. We are wanting to get a 2 story next time. So we will be figuring that out. We have a prepayment penalty that is over in a year (august 2008) so that will be a good time to sell.. or we might wait one more year so that we can save even more. We plan to have a nice down payment saved up by the time we go shopping. I am excited!

So that is keeping me occupied. Aaron is also getting a hefty raise in about a month. It will be about a $10K/yr raise! We are excited about that!

Anyways, thats all that is running through my mind these days...

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The weekend was good but went by way too fast. I am now super tired but I am about to get off in about 45 minutes. I can't wait.
I started lupron on Friday night. It was easy this time around. I was a bit nervous beforehand but it was over in a second. We did end up doing it a bit late since I got home too late on Friday to do it at my 9:30pm set time so we ended up doing it at 11pm. Oops! I am now adjusted to 10pm since we have a an hour before and an hour after time frame.
On Saturday we had to do the shot with my lying down in the car. Good times. I had a dress on (we were at a quincenera) and I had to pull it all the way up to get it in my belly. Yup. Great.
We then had a little argument in the car later that night and I threw my pickle at him!! When I get upset I notice that my emotions feel a little out of control and that I do things that aren't like me. I am not THAT crazy! ;) It happened last time and fortunately Aaron knows. He understands. Of course, while I am turning into Linda Blair he gets worked up but he knows that I am not like that in normal circumstances. Of course he then goes on to say "is it the hormones?" and then I lose it all over again! WELL DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh...
So I get off bcps on Thursday! Woohooo! I am getting tired of taking that pill at lunch time. I have forgotten it a couple of times and then have to catch up once I remember. I am having a hard time remembering my metformin too so I have been all over the place. I am taking 2mg of folic acid a day and I've done okay with those.
Baseline is on 7/6... less than 2 weeks away. ER is now only 25 days away. Yikes!

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Nurse called me back yesterday! She said that although Dr. Dunn wasn't AGAINST transferring 3, he would wait until the day to see how many. So most likely, its going to be 2... If he does transfer 3 I will be worried because that would mean that the blasts didn't do to good. But from the looks of the last 2 transfers, I would be that we will end up with 2 again.
I asked God if it wasn't meant to be, then to not let it be. I am taking this as a sign?!
Also, she is mailing me the consent forms so that I can get them signed by Aaron and get them in on the 6th, my first u/s appt. He most likely won't go as it falls on a Friday which is one of the busiest days of the week for him.
Today is one month away from my estimated ER!! Woohoo!!

I need to go back and read my bcp phase back in Oct. I had a headache yesterday and now today. I do remember headaches last time but it was during Lupron. Maybe I am confused. lol It happens alot.
I am just a day and a month away from egg retrieval day! YIKES! I can't believe its here once again. The days and weeks are going by fast. I just hope I get a good response again and that things run smoothly.
I am waiting on the phone call from my nurse. She said she'd call me sometime this week. If I don't hear anything from her tomorrow, I will call her. She is supposed to let me know if Dr. Dunn okayed me transferring 3 blasts instead of 2. I know the risks of multiples and all but I really feel that that is the way I need to go. I've had 4 beautiful blasts in me (IVF + FET) and only one *stuck*. And not all the way, I might add! So hopefully he can take in account our pasts failures and make me the exception. He does that sometimes, says nurse Honey.

We'll see... I also need to know if I need to sign consents once again... I did for my FET so I guess maybe I will once I go in for my first u/s.

Be prepared. Its here.. the beforehand ivf stress and doubt and fear. I will probably be blogging alot more.
I think it started when I popped the first bcp. Then I thought I was safe for 2 weeks before starting injections of any kind but I just looked on my schedule and I start Lupron THIS Friday! I really thought it was in 2 weeks. I have no idea why I thought that but now I am freaking out.
I had a rough day yesterday. It was Father's Day and although I did go to church and I did celebrate my daddy, the feeling of my husband not being a father was NOT absent. It was there all day long in the back of mind. My husband didn't get to go up on stage with the daddies, he didn't get to win a prize for being a daddy, he didn't get to sit up there in the front of church while the mariachi group serenaded all the dads. I didn't get to give him a card or gift. It truly isolated us but I had a smile on the whole time. I was even brave and thought what the heck! I sang with the mariachis to my dad in front of the church. I always sing as I am back up in the praise and worship but I have NEVER sang by myself. Its always been a fantasy of mine to sing with mariachis and Aaron begged me and begged me to do it yesterday! I figured it might be my only chance so I did it!! hehe I did pretty good is what I hear....
That was the highlight of my day. The rest was wishing I could get of there. Aaron then took me to the movies to watch Oceans 13 so it got my mind off of stuff. But of course, just like Mother's Day, I had my breakdown right before bedtime. I cried so much my eyes are puffy today. It just sucks. It all sucks. Saturday was the 16th... 2 months exactly before my baby would had been due! I can't believe I'd be 32 weeks PG!!!! I thought about that ALL day on Father's Day. Even when I was singing my big solo the thought of me having a huge belly if I was still PG crossed my mind!!! While I was singing?? Am I crazy? Isn't it time I quit remembering and crying? Its been since January?? Why does it still hurt so much? Why isn't Aaron still sad about it? Why is it just me that remembers the baby on these holidays? Why? I just want to forget and move one... but will it ever go away? Even if I end up having children one day, I have a feeling I will never ever forget. After all those years, I had finally gotten that 2nd pink line! I guess all the waiting for that moment really attached itself to the miscarriage too. KWIM? I sometimes wish I would of had that baby and had a miscarriage later.. isn't that horrible?? I mean, it was my first baby. I was VERY attached and even months later, I still feel VERY attached to my first baby. My first bfp, my first u/s.. etc. I just wish he would have stayed around. I would have had my first born from my first BFP! Does that make sense?
Now I am afraid that if I get a BFP again, I won't be as attached to it as I was with my first. I will now know what to expect but be very afraid.
*sigh*
Anyways, Aaron is being positive for me. He always is. He tells me to keep going and to keep trying. He says that we weren't meant to have children the first 5 years of our marriage. That our child is meant to be now or whenever they come. I told him, yeah but it feels so lonely. How many other couples do you know that have been married 6 years, how many don't have children?? Very few is the answer. I am tired of being isolated from the parents. I hate it! I hate relating more to the teens then to the women my age because all they talk about is their kids! Blech! I have no stories to share, no memories, no experience. Whatever.
Blame it on AF or the bcps or the stress coming from ivf but I am starting to feel "anxious". I officially hate that word by the way. My friend Daisy just got to hear how much I hate that word. lol

I need to update! Soooo no natural miracle baby this time. AF came yesterday and is being MEAN. But its all good. I start bcps tonight. I called my nurse yesterday and she faxed my schedule over to me. I do bcps for 2 weeks then Lupron and stims. My estimated egg retrieval is set on July 20th!! Then 5 days later is my embryo transfer. Its very very close now! I didn't realize it but we are just around the corner from it. I can't wait!!!
I feel so much more positive now. For my FET I was negative and I don't think I was ready for it. I was still grieving my loss. But at the time, I had to do it for some distraction. It didn't work but I survived.
Anyways, here I go again!!! My first u/s is on 7/7.. Aarons birthday! I should also start stimming that night if everything is okay. Remember, my ovaries have to be shut down and my estrogen level should be low- unde 50 I believe.

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Nothing much going on here. Just tapping my fingers waiting on AF. I did test yesterday and it was a bfn so I am sure I am out. Its cool though. I wasn't expecting nothing but I can admit that it would had been nice to be surprised. I looked back at my Clomid charts and it seems I have a looooooong LP lasting 14 or 15 days. Soo I am only 12 or 13 dpo today. FF keeps changing my original ovulation date so thats why I am confused. I think I am 13 dpo but who knows...

I am ready though to start. I did have me a mini cry yesterday with Aaron and not because it was bfn or because its now IVF time but more because I am scared that this IVF might not work. I mean, it could and I am thinking that it will but what if it doesn't. Nobody thinks they will be one of those women that move on to ivf#3 or ivf#4 or ivf#5 etc... When is it time to stop? If this is negative then we move onto ivf#3!! Its just all too scary and overwhelming. I try not to think that far ahead though and am hoping that I am one of those women that get PG and have a baby with IVF#2. There are alot of them so I am hoping I can sneak in there and grab me a spot.

I just want to have a child.. why is this so hard? As I type this there is a girl here in the office waiting that is about 15-17 years old with a little belly bump!! Why is this so hard for me? I just don't get it. I try and try to try to understand this but I just don't. I end up feeling like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

I am expecting AF next week sometime probably on Wednesday. I have all my meds ready too so as soon as she gets here we start up. Its seems soo surreal that I am doing IVF again.

The 2ww now is going okay. My temps did jump up a bit but its expected. I am now 8dpo so I am getting closer and closer to the end. I am not really holding out hope for this cycle. If my progesterone level would had been higher than maybe I'd be a little more excited. I am still secretly hoping for a miracle though!!!

I really need to catch up on my sleep this weekend. For the last 3 days I have been fighting the urge to just lay down right here in my little office during the middle of the day.This past weekend really messed me up. I woke up early and didn't sleep until late. So this weekend I plan to take advantage of my big king size comfy bed.

I need to relax and rest right now before I start the IVF stress. I still have a good feeling about it and all but it's still scary. I have been having weird twinges in my right lower belly and it actually feels like I pulled a muscle in there if I get up too fast or if I cough so I am hoping and praying that through my clomid induced ovulation I did not cause a cyst. I will be on BCP and Lupron but that still is on my mind. I guess I won't know until I have my baseline u/s.

My throat has been scratchy too and sometimes I feel a little off like I am getting the flu but so far nothing. I've been drinking me some nyquil at night and so far its stayed away. I hate getting sick so I am doing my best to fight it off.

Well almost lunch time and I am taking a NAP!!!

I am indeed 6 dpo today. I went in for a prog. check this morning and just got back my results. I am at 11.9... hmm, I thought that with Clomid its supposed to be over 15?? Not sure but they surely don't sound the alarm off about a surprise miracle baby on the way. *sigh*

Well the good news is at least I ovulated and I won't have to induce AF with provera. Once AF comes then I start bcp's!

I guess I kind of figured because my temps are low and my boobs aren't sore at all. I kind of had a feeling maybe my P4 wasn't high or something...

Thats it for now!