So I waited and I decided I couldn't anymore. I told myself I'd give it the weekend and all this week and still nothing. I'm going in tomorrow for my 2nd d&c. I am nervous about the possible dangers of having multiple d&c's but I'm trusting my dr. I just can't wait anymore. I feel pregnant. I feel stuck and I need to move on. I need to feel myself again.

Dh wanted one more u/s before so I made it work out where I will literally be having one more u/s an hour before d&c. I guess he needs it for peace of mind. It will definately probably make me feel better as well so I'm game. I'll be at radiology at 8:30 and then be at surgery at 11:00. Long day tomorrow!

I had a mini breakdown the other night. Dh just held me and encouraged me. I just wish it would had worked out, ya know?
Today was also a bit gloomy. I guess this is it. The actual closing of this pregnancy.

I'm ready though. Just sad that now I have 2 angels. Here's a goooooooooood poem I found today. Made me cry.

"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

Well finally have some resolution. I went for a 2nd opinion with a new dr (whom I LOVED btw and plan to keep seeing as far as ob/gyn stuff is concerned) and finally I was told how far along I am and where and what should be there. The dr. I was previously seeing was so cold and was lacking compassion to the max. So new dr. went over everything with me and I should had been 8w4d (which ironically is the same exact date when I learned of my last m/c) and that there def should be a heartbeat, something there.

The u/s was explained to me. Finally, some type of explanation. I saw my sac again. It's now looking like a sausage shaped and to me looks like it's collapsing. There was def no baby in there. But this dr. said he believes there was an old tiny yolk sac that maybe developed or tried to develop and some pieces of either a detoriated fetal pole or one that stopped developing very early. I was given the chromosome speech which I'm about 99% sure that is what actually happened here. He told me that he thinks bfp happened because I was on bcp. He said it works for alot of PCOS women.
We went over natural m/c and dnc. I think I'm going to give myself a timeline and if nothing, I'll go in for my 2nd dnc. Dr. said I could go to 12 weeks!!! No way! So I think I'll give a week and if nothing, well I'll be seeing the scary room once again.

Dh told him that he is going to see a urologist in March and we were recommended the same guy that our RE recommended back in IVF days as new ob/gyn. This guy must be good eh? So we're excited about that. Dh is really serious about getting some answers besides vitamin recommendations about why the low morph and low count.
We have decided to stay put for a bit and just work on our health. I gained some weight over the holidays because I had planned to start working out in the new year but then found out I was pregnant. Let's just say I was craving lots of yummy food. We'll leave like that. :) I need to get back to exercising and eating healthy. While this is going on dh will be working with uro. We also plan to do FET sometime in the spring/summer. I have 2 blasts calling my name.
Plans plans and more plans!!

I gotta say that I feel so good and have def been focused on the bright side. I got pregnant naturally. WITHOUT trying. Without even thinking about it. Dh and I had sex once which also happened to be when I ovulated. And it happened. I'm not naive and think I'm all of a sudden fertile... but this def gave me hope.
One thing I keep thinking about is how this baby brought back the hunger in me to be a mom. I was NOT in ttc mode at all. If you knew me, I was playing the wild city girl. Dh and I were planning to move to Austin. We had our house for sale. We were set. I was going back to school for 2 1/2 years in Austin. I had plans. We had plans that did NOT include kids. I told dh I didn't even want to think about it. Maybe when I was 35 I would. I had the conversation with my mom about 2-3 months ago. She said "35??????" I said "YUP." And left it at that.
Now I have the itch. BIG time. But def not being impulsive nor desperate. Yet. lol. I'm going to take my time to get healthy and get my mind on the prize.

I often would wonder how on earth would I ever start ttc again. My 1st m/c put so much fear, so much hurt in me. Then the ivf and fet bffn's that followed took the little air I had left. The little hope I had left. So I ran. Ran far far away and never looked back. My marriage was suffering. My spirit was dead. My mind was just about in insane status. Even though I am now so much better, ttc was a bad nasty chapter in my life for all I knew. I never wanted to go back there. But of course one day I wanted to have children. I thought, adoption for sure. Just straight to adoption. Don't even try again. (ha! did I not realize what a rollercoaster adoption is as well????) Either way, I just didn't know HOW I'd get there again. And through my little recent miracle, hope was awakened in me once again. For that I am thankful.

I will not run. I will face my fears. I will try. I will give it my all again. I will hope again. I will allow myself to dream again. I will plan. I will pray again. And hopefully next time it will finally be my turn.

Latest stats:
30 yrs old (pcos-- completely annovulatory)
Dh- 28 yrs old (severe MFI)

TTC#1 for over 6 1/2 years
Just got back from a looooooong 3 year break

2 IVFs, 1 FET back in 2006-2007

1 missed m/c from IVF#1 at 8w4d
and another m/c from a surprise al natural bfp in Jan 2010




As Willie Nelson said, "On the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again".

Not really but at least I think I'm about ready.

Well haven't updated!!!
I have been on a rollercoaster. Complete with twists, upside down twirls and lots of sharp turns. And the worse part is that it's still not over.

I'll start with what was supposed to be my u/s on that Thursday I mentioned in post before. I don't remember the date. So we go in excited as can be. Dr. does my u/s and NOTHING shows up. He mentioned my lining looks great but that my uterus is empty. (My belly is empty!!!) Dh and I are pretty much confused by then. Hmm how can this be. So dr. suggests we do another beta to see where my numbers are. I got my results the next day, Friday. They come in high at almost 6900 and the nurse tells me the dr. wants me to go to the hospital to get another more throrough u/s to check for ectopic. We go at 7:30pm and I get a very slow and torturous scan. No ectopic is found. They did find a tiny sac in my uterus finally (took forever)which the on call dr. says looks irregular and that it's NOT viable. She said she expects me to miscarry soon. Ouch. Dh and I are actually happy that first of all there is a bean or what will be a bean AND that it's not in my tube. I was TERRIFIED of ectopic. My dr. then calls me and is much more encouraging then the on call dr. He tells me it's so early and that we should just wait it out. I agree and tell him that we'll touch base the following week.
So I go on Monday for another beta. This time it's up to 15,000. It's not quite doubling but it's moving up. I hear after hcg hits 6000 it will double in 96 hours vs the 48 hours as before. So dr. wants a repeat u/s for that Friday. This was last Friday btw. So we go back to radiology and have another tech. She does the ab u/s first and right away she finds the sac. This time the sac looks beautiful and very circular unlike the past Friday. I ask if there is anything inside and she says she will know more once we do the vaginal u/s. Finally she gets to it and she doesn't say anything so I knew something wasn't right yet again. I looked at the screen and see little specks here and there but nothing that looks like a yolk sac or fetal pole or whatever else you're supposed to see.
She says the on call dr. will come talk to us in a bit. Pretty much the on call dr. tells me in 45 seconds (she seemed like she was in a hurry- bitch) that the pregnancy was not viable and that it was detoriating. She said something about a bleed and fluid and used the word debris. She said I will be miscarrying soon. By then I'm like OK, fine. Non viable, I can deal. Don't get me wrong, I did my crying the day that we had the u/s with my dr. and they couldn't find anything. But like I said it's been a ride so far so it's not shocking to hear.
I've been waiting to miscarry but so far nothing. I keep asking God to please get it over with if it's truly over.
I am not sure what I am diagnosed with... everything I find comes up blighted ovum but the nurse told me that the radiology dr. would had said it. So wth do I have then????
The worst part is not having answers. My dr. doesn't seem very compassionate. It turned me off from him. Through this whole process he's been very detached from what was going on. I have to call them for results and even the nurse pisses me off. I miss my RE!!!

I went for another beta today to see what's going on with my numbers. Also dh wants me to get a 2nd opinion with another dr. He does NOT like my dr. So I'll be working on that for the end of the week if I have no signs of miscarriage. I'll get my beta results tomorrow and that should tell us a bit more of what is going on.

I am sad of course but like I told dh... I'm not naive like I was my first bfp. That totally caught me off guard. Plus, I saw the baby. I heard his heartbeat. This time, I of course LOVE my baby but I haven't seen him. Also I didn't let myself get attached sadly. I knew better. I knew that things can go wrong, even if THIS was a miracle. I know.
I'm still so so happy that this happened, whatever the outcome is. It gives me hope and it definately brought the evil itch back!!! Dh already has a urology appt coming in March lol.

I have hope that all can turn out okay with the pregnancy but I know it can end any minute too. If you've checked out misdiagnosed miscarriage website you'll see why I still have hope. That site will get ya!!!! We'll see what's in my future though. We have lots of prayers and thoughts flowing our way. That's always comforting.

Funny thing is this pregnancy has been so much more eventful as far as symptoms are concerned. I have major nausea where my last pregnancy I had none. I am sleepy, boobs hurt and just feel pregnant. The only thing that helps my nausea is sour stuff. I have eaten lots of pickles, lemonade, cucumbers with salt and lemon and lime popsicles these couple of weeks.
I've read that the placenta makes the hcg which gives you symptoms so I know it can mean nothing and symptoms can keep going even if there is no baby.

The thing that does bother me is trying to figure out how to take care of this if this pregnancy doesn't make it. I would do another d&c because it was so easy last time (I don't think I could handle a natural m/c honestly) but I've been reading that multiple d&c's can cause problems.

But I'll take it a day at a time for now. We'll see what tomorrow's beta brings and depending on that we'll see if I have one more u/s to see. I should be 6-7 weeks by now so there should have def been something by now. *sigh*

Here's to the rollercoaster ride (said in the most sarcastic tone ever!!) **cheers**