The news of my leftover embies really took a toll on me. I tried to stay positive for these inside of me but before I knew it I was a mess.
I still feel good sometimes but now I am starting to feel scared and negative. I have been crying on and off all day yesterday and today too. Its just too much stress and I don't see how I can keep doing this to myself. It's been years of having this dream and when do you know when to stop? I mean, Aaron says to keep going and keep trying but no offense to him, he isn't doing nothing but standing on the sidelines. And although IVF isn't THAT hard physically to me, it's so stressful and scary and so many emotions come with it. So it's easy for him to not want to give up but is he willing to lose me? Not lose me like divorce, but lose my spirit? Lose my smile? My joy? I'm already hanging by a string to "happiness" so any minute now I feel like I can burst and become really really really bitter. I am already bitter but I am sure I can get more ugly. This just is too much for me. What is wrong with me? Why? Those questions go through my head every single day. Every single day. How the hell does someone live this way?
I didn't test today. I am only 10 dpo today. I know, early but in my defense I had me a nice light light light line by now when I was pg. I don't plan to test until... I don't know. Maybe this weekend. Beta is supposed to be on Monday.
Aaron and I celebrate our 6th year anniversary this Saturday. We plan to go to a nice dinner. That's another reason why I don't want to test. I don't want to ruin this week. I want to celebrate my husband and our 6 years. We've come along way. It will be bittersweet though. When I was pg I planned our 6th year anniversary in my head. In my daydream, I was huge ready to pop out the baby (due date was aug. 16) and our anniversary would have been a celebration of what was to come. I will feel sadness that day but I will put my attention on Aaron. He's been a good hubby and he has been with me through this. He was my strength when I was in a dark place after the loss, he was what kept me going and why I am here today.
There is a song that when I hear it I bawl. It reminds me of Aaron and I when going through the loss. After we learned we lost the baby we came home crying and crying. We layed on the bed for hours just crying. He held me and tried to be strong for me. This song really touches me and it says all that I feel for my hubby today. This year has been very hard on me but thank God for him. Just thought I'd get cheesy and post the lyrics. :)
"We'll do it all,
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

That pretty much sums it all.

Damn, so I called my nurse this morning to ask about the leftover embryos and she told me we had none make it to freeze. Damn.

Now I feel funky. I know that doesn't mean the ones they put inside of me are necessarily bad but still. You can't help but to wonder. Damn.

So what the hell? Lets post again today.

Ugh, I am going CRAZY. I can't believe I am obsessing so much. I took an hpt today to see if trigger was out, IT WAS. Wow, so if I see a line sometime soon its real. I don't plan to test too early though. Last time I tested at 7,8,and 9 dpo and on 9 dpo (4dp5dt) I got my light bfp. Every pregnancy is different so I don't want to stress out if I don't get a line on 9 dpo this time. Afterall, that is VERY early to get a bfp from what I hear so I was pretty lucky to get lines that early on. So for the sake of not comparing, I want to wait until 11 dpo. How I wish I could wait for beta but I can't! I know I can't!

I've been having little twinges down there. But who wouldn't when their ovaries were just deflated. I've been getting af cramps but I checked on my chart that I started getting af cramps right before transfer. Sooo it can't be pg plus its waaaay to early to feel anything IMO. I remember when I was pg that I told myself I didn't have any symptoms until after beta. That means, I didn't have any early signs telling me I was pg. The only thing that told me I was pg was that hpt. Then I remember after beta I got the fatigue and boobs, well boobs hurt BEFORE egg retrieval.
*sigh* Basically I'm screwed. There is no way to tell. I minus well just wait it out. The progesterone makes me feel all kinds of PG but again, I made sure to mark my chart when I felt af cramps etc that way I wouldn't get all happy thinking it was a pg symptom.

AAAAHH!! I just want to go to sleep and wake up on Wed...

2dp5dt!

Ugh... why is this 1ww going sooooo slow? I don't remember this part for first ivf. I do remember FET and it was just as slow. I just want to wake up in about 5 days...

I did have a very vivid dream last night. Very scary!! I dreamt that I was leaving my high school reunion (remember, I had to miss it because of ER?) and I walked to my car alone. There was this older guy sitting on a bench and so I tried to walk around him instead of infront of him. Well he started to walk behind me and I tried to walk quicker but he kept getting closer. Then I was trying to open my car with my spare key (??) and he got me. He told me to open the door and I did. I sat in the seat and he was outside. I remember thinking of closing the door on his arm but for some reason I knew I wouldn't make it. Then another guy shows up and they are both outside my car. I knew I was going to be dead. Funny thing is, I remember thinking "oh no, my 3 blasts!"
Even in my NIGHTMARE, I am thinking of the "trio". It was very hard for me to fall asleep last night. I was tossing and turning. I was feeling very anxious and nervous. Then I slept. Then I dreamt. Then I woke up to pee. Then I slept and then I dreamt again.
Crazy!

So we decided to name the kiddos "the trio" for now. Thats their nickname. Then I told Aaron if they all stuck they'd become tinner, alto and soprano. lol You know, instead of baby a, baby b, and baby c. So much more original, don't ya think??

This is torture!!!!!! Torture!!! Back to the couch...

So far so good. Who would had thought that doing nothing could be so hard??? I have been glued to the couch except for taking a quick shower, potty breaks and eating. I've been watching Sex and the City, Special Deliveries, Friends with Money, and whatever else looked interesting.
Aaron and my mom have called to check on me and make sure I am resting. My mom even talked to me for a while giving me some gossip which I so need right now to keep alert.
I tried napping but wasn't successful...

I didn't hear back from my nurse today on the remaining 5 embryos. I was scared to call because just in case none made it, I didn't want to freak out. So I finally made myself call a bit earlier and my nurse was off today. The other girl said they hadn't heard from the lab so she just said to call on Monday. Fine by me. I don't want to stress about it. I will just wait until then.

So I have been praying, visualizing, meditating, and even talking to the "trio". I hope and hope that they like their new home. I secretly want ALL to hang around. I know, crazy but now that they are inside of me I love THEM all so much. I rub them and just tell them to hang on. Aaron tells me to hang on and rubs my belly. We are pathetic but we want this so much!!!

Well onto the couch....

forgive me for not capitalizing but its really hard to do when laying down. hehe

transfer went well. we ended up putting 3 in! one was a 3 (4 is best) and the other 2 were 2. we also have 5 left that are still growing and tomorrow we will know if they were frozen so that is good news.

we got there about 15 minutes beforehand. i had popped my 10mg of valium already. i wasn't sure if i felt anything but after about 45 minutes i felt like mush. it was cool! i just felt very laid back and relaxed. we dressed in our gowns and booties/caps. they led us back to the room and then they looked at my bladder/uterus. it wasn't full all the way so she told me my dr would be here in 15 minutes so drink up a bit more. luckily i had gatorade so i drank the rest of it. aaron and i were having a blast in the procedure room just laughing away. i was also singing along with the radio... that valium, its great!

then finally comes RE and he explains that while showing us the pic, that one blast was almost fully expanded. he said if transfer would had been 2 hours later, it'd probably be done so thats how close it was. it was a 3 out of 4. the other 2 were early blasts and were a 2 (expansion) out of 4. so he said he felt transferring 3 would be best given my history. we agreed.

transfer was easy. only the speculum was painful. my lining looked great and the catheter was painless as always. the little ones were slipped right in and then catheter was cleared to make sure all the little ones were gone. i waited about 15 minutes before having to pee. i tried to wait more but i was close to exploding. then i waited another 20 minutes and we left. it went nice and smooth.

now its onto the stressful 1ww. i plan to lay around today, tomorrow and over the weekend. i want to give these little ones a great chance. aaron was actually very excited about doing 3 because i think he really really wants twins. i don't care if its 1, 2, or 3 as long as they are healthy. thats all i want.

so thats it. i will update more later... thanks for all that have been following me. i feel so special when i read comments. i know reading other's blogs helps me especially the little details so i will make sure to update as much as possible. :)

Ahh okay, feel much better today. I am back at work for today and tomorrow then off again I go! The belly is still bloated although not as much. I am now having cramps and twinges/pulls down there but not like before, thank God! Nips still sore too! Guess its all trigger!

So nurse called me today. I thought she was calling just to confirm my transfer but she also wanted to give me an update. Last fresh cycle I only got a fertilization report and after that she just said that they'd call if there were any problems. I got no calls so I assumed all was okay. Well this time she calls on 3 days past egg retrieval and the first thing she starts talking about is the report. I'm am thinking.. omg.. they all died!!!

She started off with the "bad" ones. So far I have:
1-1 cell
1- 4 cell
3-6 cell
4- 7 cell
1- 8 cell

So there are my 10. I guess we did lose the one that RE was saying was lagging behind. She said they were good. She said they should be between 5-8 cells today so the majority of them are doing well. I will probably lose the 1 celled as it hasn't grown much at all! I was pleased and I immediately called Aaron. I told him that I just wanted him to know how our children were doing. :)
I cried on the way to the gas station during lunch, in my car. I am just thankful that we have good news so far. I am still 2 days away from transfer though and although it doesn't seem too long, it can make a difference in these little embryos. I just pray and hope that they keep growing as they should.

So yes, transfer is Thurs. I have to be there at 11:30 am with a full bladder. Just the rest of today and then tomorrow.. Thats all I keep telling myself. I just want those babies inside of me NOW! I can't wait!!

I had a strange dream last night. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it. I dreamt I was eating raw pig meat (just looked light pink like raw chicken) like a turkey leg! Ugh... Nasty!!! I was just hogging it down! Gross!!! I think I heard that the hcg shot does that? Not sure but it was gross.
I also woke up 4 times last night! I kept having to pee, poop, fart, whatever. Its now a relief to be able to fart because I feel like with each little fart my belly goes down a bit! lol Sorry, I know, TMI but just thought I'd share just in case someone else feels this way. Its like I feel like I am full of air/gas and I need to get it out!

Well now that I've embarrased myself... I need to get back to work. I am trying hard to do everything I have on my desk before Thurs. Ta- ta!

I am having some trouble today. First of all, I am in PAIN. I am so uncomfortable and any movement hurts. Then once I think I feel better, I get up to go pee and then here comes the pain. I feel like I am majorly constipated although it could be cramps. I can't tell! Grr... RE asked me this morning if I had the buddah belly! He said thats how a patient of his described it. Um, YEAH. My belly is HUGE. I look 6 months PG. I can't suck it in, I have been wearing my nightgown for 4 days now. And I probably won't go to work tomorrow. I just can't fathom sitting there for 8 hours being so uncomfortable.

I have had some breakdowns today, oh and last night! I have been crying. I just hope this works because I can't see myself doing this again. I also don't think its too fair. Dh has been a doll of course, but he actually wanted to go to the movies. Hence, I did plan it with him BEFORE egg retrieval as I didn't remember how bad it got but still. He wanted ME to go to the movies TODAY! I didn't bite his head off or anything I just nicely said no. He is now at the store getting me some gatorade, apple juice and some chicken broth to make my soup again. So apparently, he is fine. But I also called my mom and sister and although they are very very supportive and I know they care about me but its just not fair. Everybody (including me of course) wants this baby so much. Aaron wants to be a dad, my mom wants to be grandmother, my sisters want to be aunts, my dad wants to be a granddad but here I am the only one that has to suffer for it. I know I sound like I am whining but I promise, I am in pain. And maybe its the vicodin talking right now but I just feel like having a pity party. My husband has NO clue what I go through. He gives me "the" look, you know, the one you give to somebody when they just fell and they messed up their knee?? Well thats the look he gives me. Like "I am sorry! That must hurt" but I also think he is thinking "glad it isn't me!". I know, I am being evil. I just hate this!
I can't help to cry over how I shouldn't be hurting this way. (I know... here we go again... if you are tired of reading about my miscarriage then just skip this part... Okay, I warned you) I should be hurting because of labor. I should uncomfortable because of a BIG belly (HEY, I do have a big belly, what a coincidence! haha..*sarcastic*) but not because of ER but because of a big baby in there. My due date is in about 3 weeks! I just shouldn't have to be doing this again, but I am and it sucks.

Well of the couch. No more whining for now.

Doc called. Out of 18 eggs, 14 were considered mature. Out of the 14 mature eggs, 10 fertilized normally with ICSI and he said possibly one more. He said alot of the sperm had head issues but that they were able to get some. Hmm, WTH does that mean?
So overall he said we did very good. I should get a call tomorrow of Tues. but if not then I call to confirm transfer which will take place on Thursday.

I am a bit nervous, I will admit. Last time we had 14 fertilized overnight (17 mature eggs) and by day 5 we had 2 to transfer plus 4 to freeze making it 6 in all out of 14! That means we lost 8!!!

Aaron says not to worry about it and I am trying not to. Now its up to nature to take its course and there is nothing I can do about it. Its all a waiting game so Thursday seems an eternity away....

I am sending prayers to my little guys. I pray that they grow and divide the way they should. Momma loves you little babies!!!

Its done! We got there about 20 minutes before and we sat out there for a while. We were given some forms to read and sign. Then we were led back to the room. I was told to empty my bladder and change into the gown, booties and cap.
Once that was done we waited a bit. The nurse came to do my blood pressure and pulse. After that I was called soon after to the procedure room. My IV was put in.. um.. no it wasn't! My vein disappeared!! So she was gently digging in my hand trying to find my vein. No luck! So she took it out and stuck me again. This time it worked. That was 2 bee stings in less than 10 minutes!
Then they left me in the room to relax. The radio was on and Miss Independent by Kelly C. was on. I sang along! lol
Then the nurses came back along with Dr. Dunn. He asked me how I was and that everything was looking goon on paper so hopefully everything turns out good. Then he said they were going to put in some meds and sure enough I felt my chest drop. Soon I started seeing things a little hazy and I started to giggle.
From there on I do remember some things. I remember hurting!! My left ovary gave him a hard time and nurse had to press down. YIKES! I was moaning the whole time. I don't remember feeling it though so thats good. I then remember waking up in my recovery room. I was crying because I really did hurt.
My husband then tells me we got 18 eggs! Wooohooo! That made it better but I still felt pain.
My doc actually prescribed me some vicodaine to help me along which I definately plan to take once I eat.
Aaron once again was laughing. He says I was mumbling "Toni" over and over. That is my cat! lol I don't know why he was on my mind.
Finally we left but of course Aaron had to help me walk. Supposedly the nurse said that they gave me alot of meds so I had to recover for a bit more.

Well glad its over! Now onto sleep, eat, and drink...

Its just about that time! I have about 8 hours until ER. I can't believe I am here again. I just took my zithromax and then I am about to drink me a big glass of water since I won't be able to drink or eat anything in about 20 minutes. I have shaved and groomed so now I will just take a quick shower tomorrow morning beforehand. Once I get back I will be on the couch just chilling. I can't wait to see how many fertilize this time!

I am a little scared. This is very rare but does anybody else freak out about the possibility of ovulating early? I believe I did that time too so I suppose its just nerves. I remember my nurse did tell me that its very very rare so not to worry about it. Easier said than done, right?

Well I guess here we go again! I will update when I get back!

Trigger has taken place! 8pm today at the movie theater! :) We went to watch Evan Almighty (which was cute by the way) and we had to step out for a minute to get the shot done but it got done.
I also did my lupron tonight and thats it.... No shots for a couple of days. Next time the shot will be PIO. OUCH! I need to take a pic of that needle! Nah, its not that bad. I get used to them.

Soooooooooooo tomorrow I am off! Yay! I will be cleaning and just getting the house together so that I don't have to clean after ER. I also need to shave, shower, etc. Saturday morning we will leave my house at around 6 am since I have to be there at 7:30am.

I am getting excited and scared! Aaron and I were talking and we are very hopeful that this will work for us. I know I keep going back and forth but today I feel good. Tomorrow, I might not. LOL Oh well... I guess it comes with the territory!

I am very sleepy tonight so I am off to bed. Aaron has been very sweet helping me out today. I love getting pampered!
Maybe can get a massage!

Yeah so the wait isn't going too hot. I am getting impatient!!! I went ahead and took the day off tomorrow anyway, for the heck of it. I want to sleep in and then Aaron and I will go to the movies. He's been waiting to watch Transformers so we will finally get to see it.

I am feeling good today. I am a bit worried about it. But the other day I felt good too and then yesterday I went in for u/s and b/w and I was SOOO scared that I had already ovulated because I didn't feel like crap. Well the opposite happened- follicles got bigger! So I am trying not to worry too much. My ER is still 2 days away so I still have some time.

Tonight I trigger!!!! Yipee! I am so excited about that.

Last night I had to do lupron and microdose ovidrel, NO FOLLISTIM. Well Aaron takes out the supplies and meds as he does every night and then he asks if we have anymore insulin needles. I tell him we should have lots. (I did get ALOT with my shipment) Well he looks and looks and nothing. We only have one and we need 2. One for lupron and one for m.d. ovidrel! I was like, okay... this is the very last insulin needle I will need for this cycle and I am short?? Come on! So he had to rush to Walgreens to buy some. Rush because it was 9:52 and Walgreen's closed at 10pm!! We cut it close but he came in 10 minutes later like a knight on a white horse holding a bag of insulin syringes. I told him he was my hero!
God, what is wrong with that picture?? I was happy because he brought me needles?? What has this ivf done to me? That was the high of the day!

So I haven't really shared this too much on here because, well I've been talking about my ivf cycle but as you can remember my sister is pregnant. My younger sister who just got married 7 months ago and is apparently VERY fertile (got pg 2 weeks after moving in with her husband). Well I found out she was pg during my FET cycle. It totally screwed me up. I bawled and cried and from that moment on I lost all hope for that cycle. Big surprise when it turned out bfn.
I've tried to be strong about it. The good thing (in a twisted way) is that she lives far away from me. I don't see her much. The last time I saw her was about 3 weeks ago. She had her belly bump. I felt sad but I just saw her for 10 minutes. I had my little breakdown and moved on. She was gone in 2 days. We don't talk too much about her pg though and that is sad. If she gets into details I just pull the phone away from my ear. I did manage to buy her some maternity clothes since she was complaining that she didn't have any and that she was broke. I buy myself maternity clothes sometimes if I see a good sale or whatever so one day I looked in her size. So far I've bought her 3 1/2 outfits. So I am being nice, I think. I just don't want to be around her too much?!?! I know, its confusing...
WEll my ivf is NOW. ER is Saturday and guess what??? Its also time for her to get her BIG u/s! Ugh... Her husband was being an ass and wasn't going to be able to go so my parents headed that way to see her. Now, this isn't the only reason why they are going over there. She will also be getting some very serious results on a procedure she had done (nothing to do with baby) about a week ago. Its very serious and is probably not very good news (abnormal cells). Soo they decided to not let her go by herself which I think is a very good idea. But of course, they will be there for the BIG u/s.
I was having a hard time with this because I am not sure how I am going to react when I hear the sex of her baby. I might get sad, or angry or jealous, who knows... So I talked to Aaron and we thought it was best if we didn't know. I talked to my mom before she left and just told her I didn't want to know. I wanted to focus on my cycle and not worry about nothing else. Luckily, she understood. I even had the courage to tell my sister. Luckily, she understood, I think. So the deal is not to let me know the sex until I am well passed my transfer. I even told my mom not to call anybody over here because then they would blurt it out to me. She said I am safe.
Phew! Sometimes, I think I am being a big baby but I know me to well. I need to take care of myself. Aaron agrees and he is very serious about protecting me.
I did tell my sister once this is over I will call her myself and let her tell me on the phone. I want to know, just not yet. She said okay. So its kind of suspensful too!

Nothing else... Just waiting and waiting!!!! I can't believe next week is transfer! Holy Moly! How will I get by during Mon- Wed?? I don't see how I can work or focus!!!

Yipee! My ER got moved to Saturday!!! I am happy for several reasons...

1. I have one more day to get my lining to plump up. As stated before, I am a bit worried about it being a 9.

2. Gives my little follies some time to try to catch up to the bigger ones...

3. ER will be on Saturday making ET on Thurs. I usually take off the day of and the day after ET... well, that means I will have a 4 day weekend to lay around and do some couch rest!!! Yay!! I was hoping and hoping that that would fall this way. I really want to take it easy this time.


So overall I am excited now. My estrogen was a whopping 4, 154!! I am going to really down my gatorade now. LoL
No wonder I am bloated and hurting!

So tomorrow I trigger at 8pm and my ER is 7/21 at 7:30am! This is it!!!

U/S and B/W this morning. I am waiting on my E2 results.

Here are my measurements..

R side:
22,22
21
20
19, 19, 19
17
16
15

L side:
22
19
16
15, 15
14



I had a BUNCH of smaller ones but Dr. didn't write those down for me. I was brave and asked him if he would consider prescribing me some Valium for transfer and I got it!! I told him I need to be relaxed so he said that was fine.
He did give me the OHSS speech. Since I have sooo many follies he said that could be a possibility but that they are monitoring me.
He said depending on my E2 level, I could go one more night of stims but that he thinks I will trigger tonight.. we'll see.
I am pleased that my left side caught up a bit. Its still being lazy but there is *some* action going on. Its been thumping, thats for sure!
I am a bit worried about my lining though. He said it was great but I can't help but to compare. My first cycle my lining was a 13 right before trigger!! For my FET cycle my lining was a 9. Well I got a bfp with the 13 and a bfn with the 9. Of course, that probably isn't the reason WHY I got a bfn but still.... this time around my lining has stayed a 9 or 10. I know that is still considered optimal but I want the 13 again!! Waa!

I started to think today about all this and I had a sense of fear come over me. This could NOT work and I am not sure how I will handle that. My due date is coming up (aug 16) and the closer it gets the more stressed I feel. I do try not to think about it because I want to be hopeful for this cycle. I am just scared of bfn. I am scared that I was lucky the first time and that was it. I pray and pray that this is it for us.

Hugs to all my girls going through ivf right now. Its not that bad but then again it is. I was telling Aaron that sometimes I feel like I could do this how many times it takes (20 ivfs anyone?) but then I feel like this is it. I am through! Sooo many emotions, so many fears, so many doubts, so many letdowns... then we get excited, hopeful, and *gasp* we actually believe this could work?!?! Its crazy times thats for sure. So hugs to all of you going through this with me and even those that have or will go through this. Only we understand what its like. I wish none of us had to resort to ivf to get pg but thats just the way it is. I try NOT to think about "its not fair" and just focus on what is in front of my face. No pity parties but just moving along.

Well I'm off to wait on "the CALL". Should be in the next half hour. *sigh*

Blech. 3 more days, right? It's getting full down there (belly) and I sometimes I feel like I will explode. My belly hurts when I have to pee too. I am not complaining though because that means my eggs are growing.

I have been drinking gatorade and water to try to scare off OHSS. I am sure I will be fine but there is nothing wrong with being cautious.

I have my last u/s tomorrow morning. Yipee! I will get to see how much these bad boys have grown.

Nothing much more to share.

E2 is in!!!


1,836!! I go back on Wed and will most likely trigger that night. ER is still set for Friday. WOohoo!

OMGoodness! If I could just show you how horrible I feel this morning! I feel like crap. I stayed up late last night since we went to watch Hillsong United at Lakewood Church. I didnt' get to bed until very late and I am paying for it! Yuck.
Unfortunately, I had to wake up early to go in for my 8:30am follicle scan. Everything went good. My left side seems a bit lazy this time around but I am still content. Nurse says I will probably most likely trigger on Wed. and do ER on Friday as we planned. Whatever. I am ready!
For your viewing pleasure:
R side: 21 18, 18, 18, 17, 17, 17, 17, 17, 15, 13, 12, 12, 11 AND 3 follies <10mm
L side: 15, 15 14, 14, 14,14, 12, 11, 11, 10, 10 AND 5 follies <10mm

My left side was throbbing and thumping all weekend long which is weird since its being lazy. I guess its trying to get some overtime in to make up. lol

I am so ready. Of course right now I just want to lay in my bed but of course I am excited! I can't believe its here. I can't believe my coundown box says 5 more days!!! So exciting!

E2 level is 766!!!! Yipeeee! Sounds like I am right on track! So happy!
I asked about my lining being thick already. She said that its fine and that its actually very good. She doesn't think I will get too thick where its "bad". I asked if it still looks like I will do ER on Friday and she said yes, or maybe even Thurs!!

U/S and B/W done today! It was super croweded today because they had a computer glitch but it seems I got there right when it was fixed. I was in by my appt time.

So here is the scoop. My lining is 10.

Left side:
13
11, 11
10, 10, 10
10 that are <10mm!!!

Right side:
14
13
12, 12, 12
11, 11
10, 10, 10, 10, 10
3 that are <10mm!!

I am not awaiting my E2 results and instructions which I am sure I will be staying on the same doseage.

I told her that my left side is starting to ache. Its kinda weird since its my right ovary that is working harder. I didn't get to speak to my nurse as I had my u/s with 2 nurse practioners (one was learning the machine) and they were able to talk to me about my results. I was applauded for making so many and told to be back on Monday.

Soo my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. Guess when???? Yup.. ER date. Ugh. My ER is supposed to be on the 20th (Friday) which is when reunion is. Although, the reunion is going to be a 2 day affair so if I can manage to feel a bit better, I *might* go to the 2nd night which is the 21st. We'll see. My bf might go too. She is the PG one and is having alot of complications. If she doens't go, I probably won't go. It would be nice to see everybody else but as it is I really don't feel like going. I just don't want to regret it.

Thats all so far!!

I am responding a bit faster than last time. I have about 10 follies on each side measure >10mm. The biggest one so far is at 12. I start my microdose ovidrel tonight and nurse said I will probably decrease my follistim tonight. That was fast! I am sure my E2 will be high as I've already started to have EWCM. I am pleased but I am a bit afraid of overstimming. And I certainly don't want to stim too fast.

The clinic had many people today. I guess that has to do with the later appt. The same thing again though, nobody speaks to nobody. Oh, except this one woman in the lab! She had an older son (about 10 yrs old) and I had seen upstairs at the doctors then I saw her at the lab. When she was walking back she commented on my blouse. How sweet! I felt good not because of my blouse but because somebody actually SPOKE! hehe
Maybe I should make it a point to start conversations although I am shy around new people. I just hate the silence.

I've been having headaches all along but right now I had one that lasted all night last night and all morning. Ugh... Tylenol does not cut it and thats all I am allowed to take. Grrr...

Yesterday I felt gross. I swear if I could had jumped out of my own skin I would had done it. I felt overwhelmed, tired, gross, crampy, pissy, etc.
I had a mini breakdown coming home. Then I realized I had forgotten my meds under my desk (microdose ovidrel). I would had left it but it needs to be refrigerated so I had to drive back. Ugh. Then I finally get home. Aaron did manage to get a HUGE smile out of me since he worked on our garden. It looked so good that it made my day.
I was planning to stay home but instead we went to the prayer service at church. I needed it and as I sat there in the dark (lights are turned down) I began to cry and cry. It felt so good and I just let it all out. When we left I was glad that I had came. I needed some release and I got it. I needed some peace and I felt it.

This is easy in some ways (ivf) but in some ways its hard. One day I say that I can do this 20 times if I have to but other days I say "this is it for me, I can't handle this again". I just hope and hope with all my heart that this works and that I give birth. I am so ready to finish this journey.

Only one week and a half to go!

These headaches are getting old. I started stimming on Saturday night and I forgot (and Aaron forgot) to drop my lupron to 5 units instead of 10. Grr.. Oh well. I don't think it is VERY bad but I need to remember these things.
I feel so out of it this cycle. I don't know whats wrong with me. Its like sometimes I just don't care. If that would have happened to me on the first cycle (lupron incident) I would had freaked thinking I ruined everything and that it was over. I just feel like whatever mode. I haven't been taking my metformin faithfully. I forget to take it alot although I do take at least 1000mg a day. I am supposed to take 1000mg TWICE a day but sometimes I forget that first dose. Do I freak? Nope. Its like I don't care. My lupron has been late sometimes. My stims were an hour late last night. Do I care? Not really. I had a margarita on the first night of stims. Am I supposed to drink? Nope. I actually drank it about 5 minutes after stimming. But I need to clean up my act and get with it. I don't want to have any regrets if this doesn't work. It seems that you can do everything right and still not get PG. Then you could do everything wrong and get PG. (think Nicole Richie! *vomit*)
I called in for my microdose ovidrel today. I had forgotten about it. It only lasts a certain amount of days so I couldn't get it with my first shipment of drugs. I should get it tomorrow though.
I am now less than 2 weeks away from my ER. I am still hoping for that Saturday ER. It would be PERFECT. Maybe that lupron incident will delay me to get that Saturday ER that I want. Blessing in disguise?? Maybe.

Baseline this morning went smoothly. Of course, its not so hot having that cam up in your hoo haa especially when AF is in the house. *blech*

The good news is that everything was fine in my scan. I just got the news that my E2 was only 14! Yowza! She said that was very good. Of course, in the back of mind I am worried about oversuppressing now but I think I am okay. These ovaries do pretty good on drugs so I am going with that. Maybe that means I will have better chances at making better eggies or more eggies? Plus with PCOS the worry is more over hyperstimulating than oversuppressing.

Stims tomorrow!!! Yipeee!

Aaron ended up going with me to my appt. It was nice to have them there although he got a little ticked because they took FOREVER in the lab. He ended up going to work a little late but thats okay. I wouldn't have asked him to go but it was POURING down rain and I cannot drive in the rain. I am terrified and usually have to pull over. Overall it was nice to have him as company.
I just wish when we were at the REs office the patients would be more talkative to one another. There were 4 of us in the u/s waiting room which isn't too big and nobody said one word. Its like we are sworn to secrecy and nothing is allowed to be said. I just want to ask.. "so, what are you here for?". Of course I know its because of ttc but is it for IUI, IVF, testing?? What? Maybe I am just nosy but it sure would be nice to know "real" people going through this. KWIM?

Tomorrow is Aaron's birthday. I am taking him to dinner. It will be nice. I am also giving him a gift card and 26 (for 26 years old) reasons why he is great. I will write them down on post its all over the house and company truck. I think he will like that.
Then on Sunday we are doing a barbeque for him. Great food, great people, what else can you ask for?? I am excited. I think he knows but I am not admitting nothing. He will just have to wait.

Other than that I need to clean my pool tomorrow! It hasn't sstopped raining for 2 weeks here and my pool is suffering!!! I hate vacumming that thing but it needs to be done. I am also going to watch a movie. It will be nice to pamper myself this weekend.

Tomorrow is baseline! Yipeee! Finally have a date with the dildo cam. Thats when you know things are progressing. lol
I should start stims on Saturday which is also Aaron's birthday. We will be going to dinner and possibly a wedding depending if we get out of dinner early and how I feel.
Then on Sunday we are planning a barbeque for him. It should be fun and make time pass by fast.

So I am looking at the calendar and lo and behold tomorrow I will be 2 weeks from estimated egg retrieval. That makes me go in panick attack mode. Seriously, I feel my heart beating faster and faster. I don't think alot about ivf this time around although I am on FF obsessing but in my mind I am not thinking about it too much. I am just going along with it. I think I've built myself a wall to protect me and that wall is working. I feel good and stress free this time around.
The problem is when I stop to really think about it (like looking at the calendar). Then I start to freak out. So maybe I just need to put away all calendars.

I hope I pass tomorrow. Last time I was terrified of cysts but this time I am more calm about it. I am sure it will be fine. I am ready!



ETA: Oops! Forgot to update that YES, I got AF! She arrived on Monday night (well her cousin Spot did) after BDing. It did the trick! Go Aaron! By morning time she was here in full mode. I am now on cd3.
I was freaking out about that though so I take it back that I haven't been obssesive because I was. I was trying to play out all possible scenarios in my head but luckily she arrived.

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This weekend was pretty busy! On Saturday I took my children's church class to the boardwalk in Kemah. It was fun! We rode a yacht called the Beast, then ate lunch at Joe's Crabshack and the kids rode all the carnival rides. They had said it would probably thunderstorm but luckily for us, it rained lightly once! I got home around 6pm all beat up and sun burned. :)

Sunday we had church and then went to lunch afterwards. After that, Aaron and I headed to the movies to watch Silver Surfer. We had planned to watch Evan Almighty but it was packed so we snuck in to the other movie. It was good for a BOY movie! I really reallly really want to watch Evening. Dh would had watched it but I didn't want to put him through the misery! I can tell it will be a total girl movie!!! :)

I am waiting on my period. I feel she should had been here already. Last ivf I got AF 2 days after stopping bcps. I am on day 4 today!!! My schedule reads that I should get it anywhere from the 1st of July until the 3rd so I still have time but I hate that its different than last time. I hate that I can compare now! KWIM?

This Friday is my baseline. Woohoo! Then on Saturday I start stims. I was sharing with my bg that my boss will be out beginning July 12th for surgery. She will be gone for at least 2 months. My boss is supportive of my ivf journey since the day I told her but its still awkard to ask for time off. So I am sort of relieved that her surgery will be during all my ivf drama. It really lessens the stress for me. The funny thing is it was supposed to be until August but got moved up. A sign?

Well, if you have a couple of seconds, send me some AF vibes. I've always gotten AF earlier than expected when in treatment so I am used to it. This time I feel behind even though I am still in the time frame. Needless to say, I am not liking the wait. lol