The news of my leftover embies really took a toll on me. I tried to stay positive for these inside of me but before I knew it I was a mess.
I still feel good sometimes but now I am starting to feel scared and negative. I have been crying on and off all day yesterday and today too. Its just too much stress and I don't see how I can keep doing this to myself. It's been years of having this dream and when do you know when to stop? I mean, Aaron says to keep going and keep trying but no offense to him, he isn't doing nothing but standing on the sidelines. And although IVF isn't THAT hard physically to me, it's so stressful and scary and so many emotions come with it. So it's easy for him to not want to give up but is he willing to lose me? Not lose me like divorce, but lose my spirit? Lose my smile? My joy? I'm already hanging by a string to "happiness" so any minute now I feel like I can burst and become really really really bitter. I am already bitter but I am sure I can get more ugly. This just is too much for me. What is wrong with me? Why? Those questions go through my head every single day. Every single day. How the hell does someone live this way?
I didn't test today. I am only 10 dpo today. I know, early but in my defense I had me a nice light light light line by now when I was pg. I don't plan to test until... I don't know. Maybe this weekend. Beta is supposed to be on Monday.
Aaron and I celebrate our 6th year anniversary this Saturday. We plan to go to a nice dinner. That's another reason why I don't want to test. I don't want to ruin this week. I want to celebrate my husband and our 6 years. We've come along way. It will be bittersweet though. When I was pg I planned our 6th year anniversary in my head. In my daydream, I was huge ready to pop out the baby (due date was aug. 16) and our anniversary would have been a celebration of what was to come. I will feel sadness that day but I will put my attention on Aaron. He's been a good hubby and he has been with me through this. He was my strength when I was in a dark place after the loss, he was what kept me going and why I am here today.
There is a song that when I hear it I bawl. It reminds me of Aaron and I when going through the loss. After we learned we lost the baby we came home crying and crying. We layed on the bed for hours just crying. He held me and tried to be strong for me. This song really touches me and it says all that I feel for my hubby today. This year has been very hard on me but thank God for him. Just thought I'd get cheesy and post the lyrics. :)
"We'll do it all,
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

That pretty much sums it all.