I believe I might be 1dpo but unfortunately I am not certain. My temp did go up but only by .2 degrees and its not very high. All my ovulation signs are gone now so maybe this is just a slow rise chart?? Not sure. I guess we will see. On Monday, I have a progesterone draw so I will know FOR sure whats up.. I could go in tomorrow though?? Hmm, maybe I will look into it. If I didn't ovulate then I need to start provera ASAP!
Aaron and I have been praying and praying for a miracle baby. How cool would it be to get PG after IVF and before IVF#2??? Very cool but also fat chance. I need to be positive though either way as we are heading into IVF next cycle. I don't want to get negative over a bfn that was bound to be and enter into our IVF with that negative attitude. This was just an experiment and although both Aaron and I would be ELATED, I need to be realistic. I am very happy that I am going into IVF very soon!!!
I got my meds yesterday. I will take the pic for our scrapbook. Hehe, I still have the first group of meds pic so I have to do this cycle. I have about 2 weeks for AF to get here!!! It's all creeping up on me. I guess this Clomid cycle has been good as it's kept me distracted. I am so obsessed and focused on this cycle that I am not slowly counting down the days for IVF.. I am now counting down the days until I can test. Before I know it, the day will be here! It will be the end of something or the beginning of something. I can choose to look at it either way.

I am in the process of ovulating... I got a + opk during lunch today but I am sure it will be more + this evening. Its always fun to see that nice fat dark pink line on an opk as it doesn't happen very often in my case. We have been bd'ing like crazy (every day since cd 11!!!!) and I was tempted to try the instead cups but those darn things were not very easy to use! So I skipped out.. I might try it one more time but since its the REAL deal, I don't want to waste any spermies... we will see. My belly feels achey and its bloated and my boobs are starting to hurt. I am having EWCM along with low temps so I am definately about to pop an eggie soon!!!! Wish us luck! :) Here is hoping for a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *praying*

Seeing that I haven't written in a while...
The 3 day weekend was awesome! I got my toes done, went wedding dress shopping with sister and am about to go to a barbeque! Aaron and I are never off together so this is something new for us. But I will take it!
I am on cd 16. I am halfway there! So Aaron wanted us to try naturally this cycle and give it all we got one more time. For us, natural would be using Clomid as I am annovulatory so I did on cd 3-7. Clomid doesn't work every time for me as out of 4 cycles I only ovulated on 2 of them. But I took them nonetheless but so far no + opk. I am feeling a little bloated and my temps did drop a couple of days ago which is normal for me and then they will spike. I feel like I will ovulate but I am getting impatient. We have also been "doing it" every night. Once I get the + we plan to do it 3 times a day!! :) Seriously, we just want to give it all we have. I really didn't want to do this but my husband begged me so here we are. I mean, its a long shot but you never know. I now know that I have open tubes, a good uterus, I have good eggs, I can get PG, and Aaron's numbers were a little bit higher than before during ivf, it gives me hope and helps me to believe that we can have a baby. He has now been on Fertility Blend for 2 months so I am hoping they are even higher. He has given up caffeine too so we are hoping for a miracle! If not, we welcome IVF with open arms this next cycle...
Nothing else going on... This cycle makes the wait go by faster but it also makes me obsess. I am temping, opking, checking CM, you know the little details that make you crazy! Oh well..it's a distraction I guess.

HOLY SONOHYSTEROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Geez, either I am a wimp or my body is backyards. I was told by numerous of women that the SHG was sooo much easier than HSG. Even the nurse practitioner told me beforehand that it would be much less pain and procedure than my HSG. Boy was she wrong!!! In my case, this was one of the most painful experiences so far in my TTC journey. The first BIG pain was the aftermath of egg retrieval (yowza!). Then the pain after taking that darn cytotec the night before D&C (OMG! the uterine contractions) and now I have added SHG. It hurt me so bad I was in tears. And the only freaking time that Aaron couldn't come because he had to work (I had told him I would be fine.. not to worry) and this was the time I needed him the most. She put in the speculum then rubbed my cervix with 2 swabs then put in the catheter (OUCH!) and then filled me up like a balloon. I felt like I was being twisted on the inside. Once she finally finishes she apologizes and asks me if I am okay. She tells me I can sit up so I do and we are talking and then all of sudden I start seeing everything in circles.. uh oh. I tell her I feel light headed and down I go on the bed. Thank God I was still on the table. I blacked out for a sec and then she told me to just lay there. She said some people get that way (who, the wimps?) and we start talking about IVF#1 and my PG etc... About 10 minutes passes and she says to try again. I felt better so she handed me my RX form and that was it... Well I start getting dressed and I start feeling it again. By now she is long gone so I position myself by the chairs they have there and down I go AGAIN. All by myself too!!! I totally black out again. I had no strength to call nobody and I felt my ears pop and just felt soooo faint. I could literally feel my blood pressure go down and I just closed my eyes. I remember starting to sweat and just looking at myself in the mirror that sits on the side of the chairs. I looked pale and drunk. I sat in there for about 10 mintues again and finally I felt a bit better. I was so sore and my uterus kept doing weird things like contracting and pulsating. Eww! I left and sat in my car for another 10 minutes. Finally I drove home. I felt drunk for the rest of the evening but somehow managed to go watch Shrek 3. :)
Before anybody asks, no I didn't take anything before the procedure. Since many FF women said it was so easy and that it was better than HSG I figured I would be fine. I was going to take some ibuprofen anyways just in case but I totally forgot since I was running late this morning. My HSG was a piece of cake so I figured it would be fine. NOT.
So that was my experience... My mom told me I better get with it because I can't be fainting during childbirth.. She is right but anytime my uterus starts contracting I go into passing out mode. I can't help it!
The good news is that my uterus is perfect. No scarring, no fibroids, no nothing. She said it was good of me to request it just in case. She went over all my history (while sitting there trying to pass time while I was trying to wake up) and commented on what a good responder I was and how Dr. Dunn plans to lower my dose early on this time. Why? I don't know. But she really made me sound like a great patient and how I was very lucky. I hope so.
I got my RX form. I start my bcps as soon as I get AF. I need to fax it over tomorrow to get all my meds! WOOHOO!!! Lets get this show started once again!

The hardest day of the year for me (and probably alot of infertile women) is OVER. Woohooo!!! I can breath again. Its so weird! I was stressing about Mother's Day for weeks. I was just so sad and so nervous of how I was going to react. But... I went good. I decided to just think about my mom and mother in law. We took my MIL to breakfast and there were ALOT of new moms with their babies which sort of hurt but I tried to ignore it. That was over. Then I took my mom out to lunch before church and it went good too. I had already told her I wasn't going to church. Thank God she finally understand. Last year she gave me a hard time as I skipped too and she was hurt that I would go for HER on Mother's Day. This year she didn't say NOTHING. She just said okay. So after I left I headed to the stores and bought me 2 shirts. Then went to the mall to browse and finally got home. I decided to watch a sappy love movie and ate junk food. Through the whole day of course, I had mini crying breakdowns but it felt good. I just took in my emotions and didn't try to hide them and wasn't ashamed to feel angry and sad. It's funny because I was all alone (Aaron was on call and he was needed then he had to go to church as he is very needed) and I liked it that way. I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted. I guess I like being by myself in my misery! I did finally really breakdown at night when getting ready to go to bed. Aaron was in the office so I felt "safe" to just bawl. I hugged my teddy bear so tight (the one we made in honor of our little baby) and just cried and cried. I know I covered the bear with tears. Aaron walked in on me and he just hugged me. I missed my baby so much at that moment and Aaron and I just held each other for a few minutes. He told me he didn't like looking at our bear as it reminded him and it hurt too much. :(
So that was it! I survived it! I did pray alot and asked God to please let me have a real live baby in my arms next Mother's Day. If my IVF in July works, I will be due in April making next Mother's Day a memorable one! I hope with all my heart.

Overall the weekend was good. On Saturday 2 of my younger cousins came over and we swam all day in my pool. It was FUN. We ordered pizza and wings and just soaked in the pool. It was perfect weather too. HOT. It was nice and I think that made it sooo much easier to head into Sunday. I wasn't thinking about the next day and how sad I was going to be but more just having fun. I am VERY tan and I like it! I am olive skin but pale so the tan looks good. Aaron likes it alot. :) He says I look more exotic! *blushes*

So I called my clinic yesterday to let them know I got AF. Yeah, I got it on MOTHER'S DAY. How cruel is that??? I let them know and we scheduled my sonohysterogram (saline u/s to check my uterus on the inside) for Monday. I believe I will get my schedule that DAY. Its crazy to think that I will be starting bcp's next cycle already! Its crazy! I have a good feeling again about ivf. Its funny. I had a good feeling about ivf in Nov. and it worked. I had a bad feeling about our FET and it didn't. So hopefully I am right again and this cycle works but not only for a bfp, but for a sticky baby!!!! (or 2)

Infertility Etiquette... on Resolve website.


Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to super ovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubesCystsEndometriosisLow hormone levelsLow "normal form" sperm countLow progesterone levelLow sperm countLow sperm motilityThin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet) Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
By Vita Alligood

Today is my birthday. Although the "Happy Birthdays" are nice, I am not feeling very happy at all! Dh made me a "super" breakfast (what he calls it, he's so silly) consisting of 2 pancakes, 2 BIG fat sausage patties, 2 biscuits and 2 eggs! YOWZA! Super is right! I am trying to eat better so I ate one pancake and some of one of the patties. That was enough. I put the rest in the microwave as I was in a rush. He had also put out some roses (very pretty colors by the way) and 2 cards, one from him and one from the furbabies. He is silly!! He always does that. I think he got me something else (jewelry??) but am not to sure.
Now others might say "wow!" what a great birthday but honestly I am just feeling very down today. I felt like crying most of the day and when my mom called I broke down but she didn't hear me. I am just getting older although I know I am still young (28) but the years have been going by fast for me. Since I turned 25 the years some more like 6 months. Before I know it another year has passed. I am sure I will be 30 before I know it. It isn't the actual number that bothers me but more the number PLUS being childless. Again, I know I am still considered young (I don't want to be inconsiderate to ladies that are older than me) but my life is NOT the way I wanted and there is nothing I can do about it. Who cares about the plans I had? I actually thought I'd be working on my 2nd child by now.. I wanted to be done at 30 years old... *SCREAM* Its just sad that you can never repeat time. I can never be in my early 20's or mid 20's and now my late 20's. I just don't feel grown up all the way I guess but I KNOW that I am 28. Does that make sense? I guess to me a woman is a mother. I don't have the responsibility that most women my age have. I don't have the bond with Aaron that most marriages have once they have children so I sort of feel like an old teenager.
Whatever. Aaron planned dinner for me with all of my family tonight. It should be nice and I plan to cheat a bit tonight. I want some STEAK! YUM! Maybe I will drown my sorrow in some steak! hehe
When will this end??? When????????????????????

Guess I haven't had much to say but now that I think about it, lots has been going on.. sorta.

First of all, I got my pool! I ended up getting the inflattable huge one because I didn't want to bother with the sand and leveling but turns out, this pool will need it to. We put it up but its lopsidded. It will stay that way this year (still useable and still big) but Aaron says that next year he will put it up better. We will see... I haven't got in since Sunday so I am looking forward to it this weekend!

My sister is still here.. I believe she is leaving tomorrow. She had her u/s yesterday to which my mom went. My sister came over last night and showed me the picture. She said the baby was moving alot blah blah. I am sooo distant from her its not even funny. I tell Aaron I try but its no use. He gets mad because he says my sister is just inconsiderate with certain comments and doesn't think about others, only herself. I guess I can see his view but again, she is my sister and she feels she can come to me about her pregnancy. I just try not to get too involved and I when she talks I listen but not really. I feel bad for her because I am sure it hurts her but what can I do. I am avoiding all pg women, all babies... and my sister just happens to fall under that category.

So Mother's Day is coming up. Can I just say how much I HATE this holiday???? I am sure if I ever have children I will not feel so much rage against it and I hope that I can remember these times when I desperately wanted to have children and be SO greatful for the kids I have. Its just a funky day for me.. I usually spend it in bed bawling and Aaron tries to convince me to go to church which I would end up going except for last year.. This year, I am staying home for SURE again. I will think of my baby and how I was a mother, even for a short while. Actually I am still a mom as our baby is still and forever will be tattooed in my heart. But of course, nobody can see my baby and nobody will actually acknowledge me as a mother so I rather not face the world. The years before when we'd be at church I'd spend most of the time bawling in a back room anyway so who the hell cares if I do it at home. I am sure Aaron doesn't look forward to it either as he knows how I get. Again, it sucks!

On the ivf front I started provera up yesterday. I am 5 days behind from when I was supposed to start due to a lab set back but an extra week isn't going to kill me. I am eating better and have been trying to exercise when I can. I am back to my original weight when I started ivf#1. I had gained some weight during pregnancy (like 6 lbs) and had a hard time fitting into my favorite jeans for a looooong time. I finally fit back into them easily so now I am on to losing regular extra weight. I am hoping for 15-20lbs in the 2 months. I know its alot but I am going to try...
Thats it!