I am having withdrawal symptoms. My FF subscription was up yesterday and I didn't renew- for now. I will be back but since I am not ttc right now, it's best if I stay away. Reading about all the ivf's and fet's give me the itch so I figured I put my focus on something else. So for now I am on my runboard bg's, perezhilton (hehe), hotmail, and the local news. Feels weird because I LIVED on FF but I will get used to it.... NOW FOR MY LP GIRLS, WHAT HAPPENED?? I've been wanting to check in the buddy group but I can't get in to LP aka "the dark place or other side"?? Anybody want to give me some hints? It keeps saying it's down!

This week has been good. I've been keeping up with my exercise and my good eating habits. On Saturday night we went to a b-day surprise party for my sister's fiance and I just felt so confident. I bought me a nice fitted shirt to wear and I wore my skinny jeans (which are starting to fit me baggy!!!!) and some nice gold wedge shoes. I wore my jewelry, nice smokey eyes, shiney lipgloss and nice straightened long hair. I think I got about 5 compliments!!! Of course Aaron was all about "you look sooo sexy" then the fiance's family who I haven't seen in a while told me that I looked like I was losing weight-that BOTH of us looked like we were losing weight. Then fiance's aunt told me I was looking so good and that I looked tall and thinner while she looked shorter and fatter. lol Then my mom came up to me afterwards and told me that I looked like I was getting thinner. I said "I am trying". So of course that blew up my head (in a good way) and motivated me to keep going.
I have some short term goals. I am waiting to lose another 10lbs so that I can treat myself to a nice cute haircut. My hair is getting LONG so I need to lose those 10lbs!! Then for my cousin's quinceanera, I bought me a BEAUTIFUL dress. I had bought a cute cocktail dress but I fell in love with a gorgeous Tadashi gold LOOOONG dress that I saw online. I actually saw the new Jenny Craig chick wearing a maroon one. It's the commercial with her and Kirsty Alley by a big cake. Anyways, I don't know her name but she is an actress and was married to a rocker. Well I LOVED that dress. I found a similar one but of course at Nordstrom's and it was $500!!!! I ended up searching and searching and bought a brand new EXACT dress at an Ebay store for $300! That is the most I've ever spent on a dress (except my wedding dress of course) but I just had to have it. Plus, it's a very good way to keep me motivated. I HAVE to lose weight to wear that dress. The party is on November 3rd so it's getting close but I am working hard. I hope I feel comfortable enough to wear it then.
I also had to go get my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding. I bought it a size smaller but I am hoping that by Dec. 8th, THAT size will be too big and I will have to have it taken in even more. I can't wait!!!

Aaron and I are doing good. We are the closest we have ever been. We are more honest with each other than we have ever been. We have been having some GREAT AWESOME loving that just rocks my world. :) We are planning a getaway trip to South Padre Island in Oct. We are both excited about that. We are attending a "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference over there. I've heard and read nothing but great things about this conference. We will leave on a Friday morning, go to the beach then go to the conference. The next morning we have another class and that night they give us the night off for "date night". Then Sunday morning we have some more classes and then we come home. We are thinking about heading to Mexico though for the day/night then coming back on Monday. I love to shop and eat over there!! We'll see though.

I had been struggling these last 2 days though. My mind was a little off and I broke down both days. This past Sunday we had to put my 10 year old dog to sleep. We've had her since she was 5 years old. She had a back problem about a month ago. We took her to the vet and we were told she had a ruptured disc. She went paralyzed from her 2 front legs. The vet suggested surgery but for $5K, we couldn't do it. She said we could try steroids but that we would have to watch her very carefully. We did. I faithfully gave her her pills in the morning and at night. Aaron and I took turns in taking her outside. She had to be carried as she was not allowed to move. I kept her in a small crate as ordered by the vet. That was for 2 weeks and by the end of it she was FINE!! She was walking fine, even would try to run but we would stop her. About 4 days past after finishing her meds and I was going to take her to the vet this week. Well on Sunday we got home and everything was normal. She was fine. I was watching TV and Aaron had just went outside to cut the grass. I heard her scream LOUD. I looked at her (she was right there by me) and her little leg looked like it was cramping up. I thought she got a charlie horse since she is old. I called Aaron in and by the time we got back in she was on the floor on her side. She pooped and peed on herself. Aaron said "babe, I think she went paralyzed". I told him no she was just fine. Turns out she did. He felt all her legs and even pinched them (that's what the vet does) and she felt nothing. I was bawling. She tried to pick up her little head but couldn't. I just still can't believe how it happened!!! I was right there! So then she starts breathing very slow and shallow and we both thought she was dying. I think really it was her being freaked out. Aaron ended up taking her to the vet. We knew what was going to happen. The vet (different one) suggested surgery again but said that it probably wouldn't do any good because the disc had now affected her spine too much.
Aaron decided to put her to sleep. She had lost all control of everything. I didn't go as I couldn't. It would be too hard. Aaron said he wasn't going to be there when it happened but at the last minute he couldn't leave her all alone. He said she kissed him like she always did and he petted her and told her what a good dog she had been. He said he was bawling. The doc then gave her a shot and she went to sleep. I was at home crying. The thing that kills me is her looking at me. When I said my goodbyes, her little eyes just looked at me like "what is going on?". She had no clue and that makes me feel so guilty. But I knew that was the best thing for her. I just can't believe she is gone. The house feels so strange without her. My other dog (also a dachshund which scares the crap out of me since 2 out of 3 dachshunds that we've had had this happen to them) seems a little sad even. She mopes around at times but at least she has Toni (our cat) to keep her occupied. They get along GREAT and they wrestle and run around the house like chicken's with their heads cut off. If it wasn't for Toni, she'd be very lonely.
I miss my little old lady. I used to call her that. I miss her laying by me but I know that she is better now. She was just the sweetest dog ever and I will miss her greatly.

So the feelings of loss came up with Zoe and then that got me thinking about the m/c. So odd. It just brought back all these feelings I have with losses in my life. I just felt so funky. I am better now though but still, these 2 days were a little harsh on me.

That's all that's going on with me. Just taking it one day at a time trying to better myself.

So I was abducted by these mean aliens and I just got home. lol

Sorry, no excuse!! I haven't checked in, in a looooong time. SORRY!!!

Oh and I wanted to mention something, since it bugs me. My blog name is "my belly is NOT empty". Well, you might ask, why did she name it that??? Well I didn't. I orginally named it "my belly is empty" but then I got pg. I changed it to what it is now and when I changed it, it screwed something up where people couldn't access it. Well then I lost the baby and I never changed it back. Oops. But I will leave it that way to not cause anymore confusion. Hopefully one day, my belly won't be empty for at least 9 months!

Which brings me to the point of this post. I am NOT ttc right now. I know I was all hyped about my upcoming FET which by the way, I just realized I'd be starting Estrace just about now. But instead, I have NO clue what is going on with my body. I am cd31 and no sign of AF. But what is new??? I haven't got AF w/o provera in over a year probably.
I just realized (well, I've known all along but didn't want to look into it too much) that alot of other areas in my life had been neglected. First and foremost, my marriage. I realized that Aaron and I are in 2 totally seperate worlds. Through all this ttc crap, IVFs, and the miscarriage, I've somehow managed to be defined by these chapters of my life. Thats who I've become. A woman who is sad, bitter, miserable and doesn't care about anything BUT this. My husband is there for me but can't really reach in anymore since I won't let him or I don't want him to because he just doesn't get it. He's a man who is married to a bitter woman. He is a man who comes home to a woman who is just unhappy. It's NOT fun to be with somebody who is unhappy. I know that firsthand because Aaron is unhappy with me. We had fun and all but deep down, I knew he was unhappy with me. It's a big circle. KWIM??
Good thing is we realized it. Bad thing is it something BAD for us to see it. And it took us almost seperating and me contemplating a divorce. YUP. All this in the last 2 weeks. There are other issues of course since it's not always one thing but I truly believe that this point of view on life that I have or had, was and is the culprit to why we were screwed up.
Aaron and I are FINALLY on the same page. From what I see and observe in him, he is just as willing to make this work and maybe a bit more than me. He wanted to keep going in our ttc journey but since I am unsure of things, I thought it was best to take a break. I am not unsure of my marriage (maybe a little bit) but more just unsure of what is going to happen. You know, that I don't want to get back to that place where I was mad at the world. So for now, no ttc, no FET, no IVF, no urologist, no acupuncture, and no meds. I cancelled our urologist appt, I cancelled my acupuncute sessions and instead made an appt with a marriage counselor and have us going to a Weekend to Remember conference in Oct. It feels "weird" not to try but it actually feels GOOD. VERY good.
I am also working hard on my health. I am losing weight! YAY!! To date I've lost about 10lbs but 15lb in all. Yay!! With all this marriage crap I did get off the bandwagon but I am back on full force. Also, Aaron is with me. He's lost about 15lbs too. It's great. It's like I realize that I do have a life and that it's worth living even under my circumstances. I used to feel that I just couldn't live w/o ttc or w/o being pg but I am proving to myself that I can. I do want to get pg and I do want to have a baby and I think that deep down I truly believe that I will one day but for now, I need to prepare for that very special day. I need to make sure everything else is all good. I need to prove to that future baby that they were worth the wait. No matter how long and no matter how hard, it was all worth it. And to be worth it, everything in my pre-baby life needs to be good and ready to go.
I am not sure when I will start back up again. I would really like to wait until next year. My sister is getting married in Dec. and my other sister is having her baby in Nov. (which by the way, it STILL hurts) so it's going to be a busy holiday season for our family this year. I don't want to put a damper on things with meds, bfns or the "let's walk on eggshells, DIANA is here!" mode on our Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family has also paid a price so I want to make up that time with them.
Don't think that I think it's bad to feel the way I do. I don't. I have a right. I've had a rough year. I've been actively ttc for over 4 years now (but not preventing for over 5 so my heart has been wanting this for a LONG time) and have submitted to ivf as a resort. I had my dream of 4 years, yanked out me just like that. I do have a right to feel down, let down and unsure of what to do. But it's not those feelings that are the poison. It's what I do with those feelings. It's how I am letting those feelings over take me like a vine on a wall. Those feelins run me and define me and everybody around me has to pay. It's okay that I have down days and I will have them but I will cry and lean on Aaron or my family and keep going. I will keep my spirit of fun Diana, the one who people love to be around. The girl who makes jokes and people love. The one who is strong and bold. The one who keep's striving and knows that one day this struggle will be over. The one with not only happiness in her soul but true JOY. I want JOY in my life again, in my marriage and in myself. Not just happiness that lasts in day spurts but JOY that lasts throughout my lifetime.

I will keep going on this blog. I mean, I will ttc again. And of course, I have that little secret feeling of *hope* that we'll be one of those "got pg during ivf break" cases but of course that's all it is- "HOPE". It won't be stopping my life it will be just in the back of my mind. And if nothing then Aaron and Diana will comeback at full force sometime next year ready to get those twins we want. lol

I do get that fear in my mind of I am wasting time but I keep telling myself that I am young. I am 28 years old and according to my RE my eggs are good besides the PCOS. But with PCOS, the health thing is good for that so its a win-win situation. Plus, it's not like I am going on a 4 year break. But yeah, it's a little scary to not try. lol But again, it feels SOO good.