I am having withdrawal symptoms. My FF subscription was up yesterday and I didn't renew- for now. I will be back but since I am not ttc right now, it's best if I stay away. Reading about all the ivf's and fet's give me the itch so I figured I put my focus on something else. So for now I am on my runboard bg's, perezhilton (hehe), hotmail, and the local news. Feels weird because I LIVED on FF but I will get used to it.... NOW FOR MY LP GIRLS, WHAT HAPPENED?? I've been wanting to check in the buddy group but I can't get in to LP aka "the dark place or other side"?? Anybody want to give me some hints? It keeps saying it's down!

This week has been good. I've been keeping up with my exercise and my good eating habits. On Saturday night we went to a b-day surprise party for my sister's fiance and I just felt so confident. I bought me a nice fitted shirt to wear and I wore my skinny jeans (which are starting to fit me baggy!!!!) and some nice gold wedge shoes. I wore my jewelry, nice smokey eyes, shiney lipgloss and nice straightened long hair. I think I got about 5 compliments!!! Of course Aaron was all about "you look sooo sexy" then the fiance's family who I haven't seen in a while told me that I looked like I was losing weight-that BOTH of us looked like we were losing weight. Then fiance's aunt told me I was looking so good and that I looked tall and thinner while she looked shorter and fatter. lol Then my mom came up to me afterwards and told me that I looked like I was getting thinner. I said "I am trying". So of course that blew up my head (in a good way) and motivated me to keep going.
I have some short term goals. I am waiting to lose another 10lbs so that I can treat myself to a nice cute haircut. My hair is getting LONG so I need to lose those 10lbs!! Then for my cousin's quinceanera, I bought me a BEAUTIFUL dress. I had bought a cute cocktail dress but I fell in love with a gorgeous Tadashi gold LOOOONG dress that I saw online. I actually saw the new Jenny Craig chick wearing a maroon one. It's the commercial with her and Kirsty Alley by a big cake. Anyways, I don't know her name but she is an actress and was married to a rocker. Well I LOVED that dress. I found a similar one but of course at Nordstrom's and it was $500!!!! I ended up searching and searching and bought a brand new EXACT dress at an Ebay store for $300! That is the most I've ever spent on a dress (except my wedding dress of course) but I just had to have it. Plus, it's a very good way to keep me motivated. I HAVE to lose weight to wear that dress. The party is on November 3rd so it's getting close but I am working hard. I hope I feel comfortable enough to wear it then.
I also had to go get my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding. I bought it a size smaller but I am hoping that by Dec. 8th, THAT size will be too big and I will have to have it taken in even more. I can't wait!!!

Aaron and I are doing good. We are the closest we have ever been. We are more honest with each other than we have ever been. We have been having some GREAT AWESOME loving that just rocks my world. :) We are planning a getaway trip to South Padre Island in Oct. We are both excited about that. We are attending a "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference over there. I've heard and read nothing but great things about this conference. We will leave on a Friday morning, go to the beach then go to the conference. The next morning we have another class and that night they give us the night off for "date night". Then Sunday morning we have some more classes and then we come home. We are thinking about heading to Mexico though for the day/night then coming back on Monday. I love to shop and eat over there!! We'll see though.

I had been struggling these last 2 days though. My mind was a little off and I broke down both days. This past Sunday we had to put my 10 year old dog to sleep. We've had her since she was 5 years old. She had a back problem about a month ago. We took her to the vet and we were told she had a ruptured disc. She went paralyzed from her 2 front legs. The vet suggested surgery but for $5K, we couldn't do it. She said we could try steroids but that we would have to watch her very carefully. We did. I faithfully gave her her pills in the morning and at night. Aaron and I took turns in taking her outside. She had to be carried as she was not allowed to move. I kept her in a small crate as ordered by the vet. That was for 2 weeks and by the end of it she was FINE!! She was walking fine, even would try to run but we would stop her. About 4 days past after finishing her meds and I was going to take her to the vet this week. Well on Sunday we got home and everything was normal. She was fine. I was watching TV and Aaron had just went outside to cut the grass. I heard her scream LOUD. I looked at her (she was right there by me) and her little leg looked like it was cramping up. I thought she got a charlie horse since she is old. I called Aaron in and by the time we got back in she was on the floor on her side. She pooped and peed on herself. Aaron said "babe, I think she went paralyzed". I told him no she was just fine. Turns out she did. He felt all her legs and even pinched them (that's what the vet does) and she felt nothing. I was bawling. She tried to pick up her little head but couldn't. I just still can't believe how it happened!!! I was right there! So then she starts breathing very slow and shallow and we both thought she was dying. I think really it was her being freaked out. Aaron ended up taking her to the vet. We knew what was going to happen. The vet (different one) suggested surgery again but said that it probably wouldn't do any good because the disc had now affected her spine too much.
Aaron decided to put her to sleep. She had lost all control of everything. I didn't go as I couldn't. It would be too hard. Aaron said he wasn't going to be there when it happened but at the last minute he couldn't leave her all alone. He said she kissed him like she always did and he petted her and told her what a good dog she had been. He said he was bawling. The doc then gave her a shot and she went to sleep. I was at home crying. The thing that kills me is her looking at me. When I said my goodbyes, her little eyes just looked at me like "what is going on?". She had no clue and that makes me feel so guilty. But I knew that was the best thing for her. I just can't believe she is gone. The house feels so strange without her. My other dog (also a dachshund which scares the crap out of me since 2 out of 3 dachshunds that we've had had this happen to them) seems a little sad even. She mopes around at times but at least she has Toni (our cat) to keep her occupied. They get along GREAT and they wrestle and run around the house like chicken's with their heads cut off. If it wasn't for Toni, she'd be very lonely.
I miss my little old lady. I used to call her that. I miss her laying by me but I know that she is better now. She was just the sweetest dog ever and I will miss her greatly.

So the feelings of loss came up with Zoe and then that got me thinking about the m/c. So odd. It just brought back all these feelings I have with losses in my life. I just felt so funky. I am better now though but still, these 2 days were a little harsh on me.

That's all that's going on with me. Just taking it one day at a time trying to better myself.