So I was abducted by these mean aliens and I just got home. lol

Sorry, no excuse!! I haven't checked in, in a looooong time. SORRY!!!

Oh and I wanted to mention something, since it bugs me. My blog name is "my belly is NOT empty". Well, you might ask, why did she name it that??? Well I didn't. I orginally named it "my belly is empty" but then I got pg. I changed it to what it is now and when I changed it, it screwed something up where people couldn't access it. Well then I lost the baby and I never changed it back. Oops. But I will leave it that way to not cause anymore confusion. Hopefully one day, my belly won't be empty for at least 9 months!

Which brings me to the point of this post. I am NOT ttc right now. I know I was all hyped about my upcoming FET which by the way, I just realized I'd be starting Estrace just about now. But instead, I have NO clue what is going on with my body. I am cd31 and no sign of AF. But what is new??? I haven't got AF w/o provera in over a year probably.
I just realized (well, I've known all along but didn't want to look into it too much) that alot of other areas in my life had been neglected. First and foremost, my marriage. I realized that Aaron and I are in 2 totally seperate worlds. Through all this ttc crap, IVFs, and the miscarriage, I've somehow managed to be defined by these chapters of my life. Thats who I've become. A woman who is sad, bitter, miserable and doesn't care about anything BUT this. My husband is there for me but can't really reach in anymore since I won't let him or I don't want him to because he just doesn't get it. He's a man who is married to a bitter woman. He is a man who comes home to a woman who is just unhappy. It's NOT fun to be with somebody who is unhappy. I know that firsthand because Aaron is unhappy with me. We had fun and all but deep down, I knew he was unhappy with me. It's a big circle. KWIM??
Good thing is we realized it. Bad thing is it something BAD for us to see it. And it took us almost seperating and me contemplating a divorce. YUP. All this in the last 2 weeks. There are other issues of course since it's not always one thing but I truly believe that this point of view on life that I have or had, was and is the culprit to why we were screwed up.
Aaron and I are FINALLY on the same page. From what I see and observe in him, he is just as willing to make this work and maybe a bit more than me. He wanted to keep going in our ttc journey but since I am unsure of things, I thought it was best to take a break. I am not unsure of my marriage (maybe a little bit) but more just unsure of what is going to happen. You know, that I don't want to get back to that place where I was mad at the world. So for now, no ttc, no FET, no IVF, no urologist, no acupuncture, and no meds. I cancelled our urologist appt, I cancelled my acupuncute sessions and instead made an appt with a marriage counselor and have us going to a Weekend to Remember conference in Oct. It feels "weird" not to try but it actually feels GOOD. VERY good.
I am also working hard on my health. I am losing weight! YAY!! To date I've lost about 10lbs but 15lb in all. Yay!! With all this marriage crap I did get off the bandwagon but I am back on full force. Also, Aaron is with me. He's lost about 15lbs too. It's great. It's like I realize that I do have a life and that it's worth living even under my circumstances. I used to feel that I just couldn't live w/o ttc or w/o being pg but I am proving to myself that I can. I do want to get pg and I do want to have a baby and I think that deep down I truly believe that I will one day but for now, I need to prepare for that very special day. I need to make sure everything else is all good. I need to prove to that future baby that they were worth the wait. No matter how long and no matter how hard, it was all worth it. And to be worth it, everything in my pre-baby life needs to be good and ready to go.
I am not sure when I will start back up again. I would really like to wait until next year. My sister is getting married in Dec. and my other sister is having her baby in Nov. (which by the way, it STILL hurts) so it's going to be a busy holiday season for our family this year. I don't want to put a damper on things with meds, bfns or the "let's walk on eggshells, DIANA is here!" mode on our Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family has also paid a price so I want to make up that time with them.
Don't think that I think it's bad to feel the way I do. I don't. I have a right. I've had a rough year. I've been actively ttc for over 4 years now (but not preventing for over 5 so my heart has been wanting this for a LONG time) and have submitted to ivf as a resort. I had my dream of 4 years, yanked out me just like that. I do have a right to feel down, let down and unsure of what to do. But it's not those feelings that are the poison. It's what I do with those feelings. It's how I am letting those feelings over take me like a vine on a wall. Those feelins run me and define me and everybody around me has to pay. It's okay that I have down days and I will have them but I will cry and lean on Aaron or my family and keep going. I will keep my spirit of fun Diana, the one who people love to be around. The girl who makes jokes and people love. The one who is strong and bold. The one who keep's striving and knows that one day this struggle will be over. The one with not only happiness in her soul but true JOY. I want JOY in my life again, in my marriage and in myself. Not just happiness that lasts in day spurts but JOY that lasts throughout my lifetime.

I will keep going on this blog. I mean, I will ttc again. And of course, I have that little secret feeling of *hope* that we'll be one of those "got pg during ivf break" cases but of course that's all it is- "HOPE". It won't be stopping my life it will be just in the back of my mind. And if nothing then Aaron and Diana will comeback at full force sometime next year ready to get those twins we want. lol

I do get that fear in my mind of I am wasting time but I keep telling myself that I am young. I am 28 years old and according to my RE my eggs are good besides the PCOS. But with PCOS, the health thing is good for that so its a win-win situation. Plus, it's not like I am going on a 4 year break. But yeah, it's a little scary to not try. lol But again, it feels SOO good.