Be prepared. Its here.. the beforehand ivf stress and doubt and fear. I will probably be blogging alot more.
I think it started when I popped the first bcp. Then I thought I was safe for 2 weeks before starting injections of any kind but I just looked on my schedule and I start Lupron THIS Friday! I really thought it was in 2 weeks. I have no idea why I thought that but now I am freaking out.
I had a rough day yesterday. It was Father's Day and although I did go to church and I did celebrate my daddy, the feeling of my husband not being a father was NOT absent. It was there all day long in the back of mind. My husband didn't get to go up on stage with the daddies, he didn't get to win a prize for being a daddy, he didn't get to sit up there in the front of church while the mariachi group serenaded all the dads. I didn't get to give him a card or gift. It truly isolated us but I had a smile on the whole time. I was even brave and thought what the heck! I sang with the mariachis to my dad in front of the church. I always sing as I am back up in the praise and worship but I have NEVER sang by myself. Its always been a fantasy of mine to sing with mariachis and Aaron begged me and begged me to do it yesterday! I figured it might be my only chance so I did it!! hehe I did pretty good is what I hear....
That was the highlight of my day. The rest was wishing I could get of there. Aaron then took me to the movies to watch Oceans 13 so it got my mind off of stuff. But of course, just like Mother's Day, I had my breakdown right before bedtime. I cried so much my eyes are puffy today. It just sucks. It all sucks. Saturday was the 16th... 2 months exactly before my baby would had been due! I can't believe I'd be 32 weeks PG!!!! I thought about that ALL day on Father's Day. Even when I was singing my big solo the thought of me having a huge belly if I was still PG crossed my mind!!! While I was singing?? Am I crazy? Isn't it time I quit remembering and crying? Its been since January?? Why does it still hurt so much? Why isn't Aaron still sad about it? Why is it just me that remembers the baby on these holidays? Why? I just want to forget and move one... but will it ever go away? Even if I end up having children one day, I have a feeling I will never ever forget. After all those years, I had finally gotten that 2nd pink line! I guess all the waiting for that moment really attached itself to the miscarriage too. KWIM? I sometimes wish I would of had that baby and had a miscarriage later.. isn't that horrible?? I mean, it was my first baby. I was VERY attached and even months later, I still feel VERY attached to my first baby. My first bfp, my first u/s.. etc. I just wish he would have stayed around. I would have had my first born from my first BFP! Does that make sense?
Now I am afraid that if I get a BFP again, I won't be as attached to it as I was with my first. I will now know what to expect but be very afraid.
*sigh*
Anyways, Aaron is being positive for me. He always is. He tells me to keep going and to keep trying. He says that we weren't meant to have children the first 5 years of our marriage. That our child is meant to be now or whenever they come. I told him, yeah but it feels so lonely. How many other couples do you know that have been married 6 years, how many don't have children?? Very few is the answer. I am tired of being isolated from the parents. I hate it! I hate relating more to the teens then to the women my age because all they talk about is their kids! Blech! I have no stories to share, no memories, no experience. Whatever.
Blame it on AF or the bcps or the stress coming from ivf but I am starting to feel "anxious". I officially hate that word by the way. My friend Daisy just got to hear how much I hate that word. lol