August. Many things happen in August. My dad's birthday is in August. I was married in August so we celebrate our anniversary and many other joyous occasions. But since January of 2007, August has become a bittersweet month. Almost 2 years later, yes, it still affects me. Almost 2 years later, yes, it still hurts. Almost 2 years later, yes, I definately still remember. August 16th... What a beautiful day that would had been for us. (or a bit before or a bit after) Last year on that date, it rained while I cried. The weather matched my emotions. I loved it. It was a beautiful gloomy day. Very appropriate for the mood. This year, it rained AGAIN. Out of nowhere came the rain. Again, I cried and the rain comforted me. Is someone telling me that it is OKAY to feel sad? To feel heartbroken and let down? That it's okay to STILL remember? I think so, or at least, it comforts me to think so.

Dh stayed home with me that day. He usually works on Saturdays but he went ahead and took it off for me. He held me in bed and we talked about what could had been briefly. We headed out for what I decided to do in remeberance of my short lived mommyhood time. The best way to describe what I did was I needed to feel like this baby would always be with me no matter what. That baby was my first BFP. If I ever get to experience that again, still, this baby was my FIRST BFP! My first u/s. My first experience at being a mom even if it was for a very short period of time. So it's a big deal to me and forever will be! Sooo I went downtown and got a tattoo. Now mind you, I had been thinking of this tattoo for over a year now. I just needed it to be perfect. I needed to make sure I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted it to not be a sad tattoo but a tattoo of rememberance and of hope for whats to come. I wanted it to be somewhere on my body that didn't seem sensual. I wanted it to be a happy site that would make me smile. I decided on a shooting star. A shooting star lasts only a bit here on Earth. In a blink of an eye, it's gone. But something wonderful comes from a shooting star. You make a wish! A shooting star makes us smile. A shooting star brings us hope! I put my birthstone color (emerald) and baby's would had been birthstone (peridot) on this shooting star. As I sat there looking at the rain, getting the shooting star put on, happy content tears came. Finally I have something that reminds me everyday, that YES, baby existed. Sometimes I swear it seems it was a dream or nightmare depending on how I feel. Sometimes I feel that baby was forgotten by everybody but me. This tattoo is with me forever and it will remind me of that baby that was here for just a second in time. And instead of looking at the experience as the end, I will look at it as a beginning. A hope. A wish. And here it is... My new tattoo.

The color isn't too great on my camera phone!!

We aren't trying to conceive. We haven't since that last IVF and it's been just fine. The life I've been living brings my happiness. It brings me joy. Finally, I feel something else then feeling broken and defected. HALLELUYA! How liberating...

In less then 3 months we are taking our FIRST real vacation in 7 years! Putting off vacations was a natural reaction when ttc. We're both very happy to finally make a decision of where to go, and following through with it. Ahhh how nice it's going to be to relax. We're so excited!

Other than that, just been hanging out really. I'm making new friends. I'm not discriminating now if they have children lol. We go out for drinks or for a night of dancing. Soo much fun! I'm still working it out. I haven't lost more weight really (35lbs down) but I feel great!!! I'm trying harder now that we are close to cruise time.

Who would had thunk it? That life can actually be FUN!?!?