Well it's official... I have been ONCE AGAIN, bitten by the baby fever. *sigh* (not a good sigh either!!!)
It's been a year and a couple of weeks since deciding to take a break. I thought the break was only going to last until the new year (2008) but indeed it was longer. I'm proud of my break though! It was sooo much fun while it lasted. And it's still not technically over. We have a cruise coming up in November along with the holidays. I'm pretty sure no treatments will be done the remainder of the year but 2009 is near and I'm itching!!!! I've already been researching!

What started the damn itch? Well apparently a crazy psycho thought came up that actually pissed me off at first. My nipples started ACHING over a week ago out of the blue. The only times I get achey nips are when I'm ovulating (have to be on meds to ovulate), pms'ing or when I was pregnant. I haven't had AF since October 2007! YEAH, that's right! Since almost a year ago. I haven't even worried about it though honestly. This is the longest I've gone w/o AF but WHO WANTS AF TO COME?? (besides those stupid fertile teens/women that are crossing fingers to NOT be pregnant?)
Soo back to achey nips, they started to hurt bad along with me majorly breaking out, remembering how errr... hot to trot I was about a week or so before the achey nips so my delusional mind went THERE. THERE meaning.. OMG, could I be PREGNANT?!?!?!?! Now, as you are cracking up at my thoughts, in my defense, I did NOT want to be pg. Haha, funny huh? Yeah, not wanting a big belly just yet, so I thought. So I was freaked out, angry and scared. How could it have possible happened NOW after all this time?? Didn't seem possible and NO I'm not pregnant right now. I have no earthly idea what is going on but the anger/fear and freaking out made me question myself. Why? Why do I feel this way?
Well apparently, it's my defense mechanism. I don't want to desire a baby because then I'll go back to being a desperate, crazy, depressed, obsessed, bitchy, bitter, unnatural woman. Right now I'm fun, funny, happy, loving life, all the "natural" woman (women who have their perfect little houses with their perfect little kids but feel like they lost their freedom along the way) want to be ME, and last but not least.. I'm feeling secure. So to me, ttc equals all those negative traits I was able to overcome a year ago.
Again, back to achey nips. So then I started having dreams!!! HAHA, you laugh again, don't you? Yeah dreams I was pregnant. Well both were of me taking a HPT and I knew I was pregnant on one of them and the other I saw the HPT turn positive. The kicker was I didn't know who my baby's daddy was?? Hmm... I giggled at that btw! So the out of the blue nips and dreams etc... scared me but at the same time, something started to rise up. And as much as I tried to stop it, I couldn't or wouldn't. Who knows. Maybe I think it was "time" to start back up? I don't know but here I am. The desire is here once again. I am not the bitter/obssessed lady just yet! YAY!!! And I'm going to try my hardest to fight at least THAT. I want to be a HAPPY infertile!! (***sprinkle glitter and butterflies here***) We'll see how long that lasts eh?

So my plan is to... enjoy the rest of 2008. Get back on my strict eating better/exercising more routine. Enjoy my cruise!! Enjoy Christmas!!!
Once 2009 rolls around we'll start talking business. The plan is definatly to go back for my last 2 frosties I have from my very first IVF. Get those in my BELLY!!!! If no luck, more than likely a fresh IVF with a new doc. I'm still trying to decide on the new doc though.

I don't want to get impatient. I was telling Aaron that the bad thing of getting the desire back is you want a baby NOW. And I'm infertile. It doesn't happen NOW. And we all know that fertility treatments don't happen NOW. It takes months to prepare for an IVF cycle. And every step of the way is waiting and more waiting. So I might as well put on my big girl panties on because with us being in September... I have a while to wait. Then wait more and a bit more.

I just wanted to update! I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!! ;)