I now feel that I can write about this. It might be theuraputical for me.
On the 8th we went in to graduate from Dr. Dunn's office to my new ob/gyn. Aaron and I were so excited. I finally believed I was pregnant and finally believed that there was a baby in there. How could you deny it with the heart beating so beautifully 4 days before? I ran to Walmart right before our appt to buy a voice recorder. I planned to get a cheap one but why buy a cheap on for something as important as this. I wanted to record the baby's heart for my parents. I knew it would make them so happy. So off I go and I get home ready to pick up Aaron. I needed to shower so I did very very quickly. Aaron wasn't ready (which I argued with him about) but finally we were in the car.
As we drove there we made up and decided to just get over it. We were then SO excited!!!! I decided to test out the recorder and left a little message saying we were on the way and how happy that I was. Aaron left one too but his was funny. He did it like a spy and said the time and the highway we were on. He also said how happy he was.
We got to the REs and I swear I was so calm and so happy. Aaron too! Usually, I am so nervous and so distraught before appts because I am just paranoid but after seeing the heartbeat, I believed everything was fine.
We were there in the waiting room kissing and cuddling and just looking like we were about to be announced for an award show or something.
So they call us back and I get my little sheet on. Aaron is of course making jokes as usual. I turn on the recorder right before the u/s tech comes in. I hide it under my shirt and lay there ready to see and hear the baby.
Aaron gets up and walks to the screen. She always takes pics of my ovaries and THEN gets to the baby. I am smiling and giggling looking at Aaron. He never looked at me which was usual because he would get so excited seeing the baby that he forgot I even existed! But this time it was different. He didn't smile, he didn't blink. I saw him look at the tech's face about 3 times. I had my recorder on still and was just waiting and waiting for the heartbeat. I felt her pull out and she told me to get dressed and to wait for the doctor. She sounded and looked weird. I looked at Aaron and he was pale and his eyes were red. I told him he was freaking me out. I asked him what did he see and he said nothing. He said he didn't see the heart anymore. I didn't let him get me down but finally the fear crept in. I told him that what probably happened was that last time I spotted and they were specifically looking for the baby and the heart. This time I was fine so maybe he just missed it. He said "yeah, everything is fine". We waited for 45 minutes!! We usually wait for 10 minutes. That wait was the longest and I literally felt faint and like I was dreaming. Aaron kept kissing me and telling me that everything was okay. The couple that was in the waiting room kept looking at us so I tried to hide my tears by looking down. FINALLY the doc called us back and from that moment I knew something was wrong. His tone and facial expressions were different. We got to his office and the first thing he said was that he had bad news... the pregnancy wasn't viable. After that I don't remember much just pieces. I literally felt like I was in a dream and that at any moment I would wake up. I kept saying Oh God and Aaron was just holding me. I did manage to ask questions but I don't remember what.

I have cried and cried. I have asked why. I have felt angry. I don't understand the purpose of this. I would have rather had a bfn then this. I would have even rather miscarried early than at 8/9 weeks. Sometimes I would rather have not heard the little heartbeating just 4 days before this.

On Thursday we had a pre op appt and we requested another u/s. Aaron and I really believed that things could turn around. Our faith really was great that day. Unfortunately, things were the same. They gave me a pill to take that night to soften my cervix and make it easier for my d & c the following morning. After about 2 hours of taking the pill I started to cramp. I had no bleeding or cramping prior to this. By midnight i had very very strong cramps. I believe that they were uterine contractions as I read that this pill caused them. I would get them every 5- 10 minutes and they were excrutiating. They would run all down my legs. By 2 am I was so tired and sleepy but they kept me up. I would finally fall asleep but then would wake up to pain. I couldn't drink nothing after midnight and I had diarhhea so I got dehydrated. I was in the bathroom when I started to see blood. I cried but managed to go back to bed. Aaron was with me the whole time. I got again later on by myself and I was on the toilet when I started to feel faint and dizzy. I cried out to Aaron but I didn't have strength to scream. I passed out while sitting but just for a few seconds. I finally got Aaron up and he came to help me. I kept passing out on him and then I woke up on the floor with him holding me up. It was horrible. Aaron kept telling me to drink something and I know that I should had but there was no way I wanted them to cancel me in the morning after everything I had just been through and there was no way I wanted to miscarry naturally. I was in pain. So I actually got some sleep for about an hour. I did wake up from the cramps still but I managed to sleep.
In the moring I was still hurting but relieved. As I was in the room by myself waiting I was crying. I knew that was it. I didn't talk much but I do remember everybody being nice. I remember wheeling off to the OR and I was still crying.
I woke up crying and Aaron says that I was rubbing my belly and saying "my baby" over and over. The nurse asked me if it hurt in my belly and I mumbled "no". I remember she said "Oh, it hurts in here (pointed at her heart), I know sweety".
I eventually woke up enough to go home. I had had nothing but great support since then. My mom has called me several times a day and has come over when I have been alone. Aaron has been taking care of me and all around us, people have been praying for us. My dad is heartbroken and took it pretty hard. He knows I am hurting so bad and he hates to see me sad. Also, he was so excited to be a grandfather.

Of course now everything feels like its getting worse. I found out that our new insurance (Aaron's company merged) does NOT cover IVF. It does cover IUI and testing/ diagnosing up to $10,000 but no IVF. I learned this right after hearing that I had lost the baby. It made the pain even worse.

THe good thing is that I have coverage. I can do IUI with injectibles alot as I have the $10,000 max. But the best thing is that my parents have offered to help us out with our frozen embryos and possibly a fresh IVF cycle if needed.
When I was in my ivf cycle I didn't want any left over embryos as I had a hard time dealing (morally) thinking about how they were in the clinic just waiting. Since I though I would carry to term I didn't think I would get to them for years. I even told Aaron I didn't want any left and if there were some, I hoped I only got a couple. THANK GOD that we have 4 babies on ice. I am so happy that God didn't answer that prayer. THe transfer is much cheaper than a fresh IVF cycle. I don't take nearly as much meds and its easier on the body. It runs about $3000 and my parents are ready for me to get started ASAP. Aaron and I also feel the need to move on asap. I think that is the only thing that is keeping me going- having a plan for the future. They told me I have to wait and get at least a period. I plan to get my FET at the end of Feb/ March. I have a follow up appt on the 29th with my doc and hopefully he is on board with our decision. I also want to convince him to transfer all the embryo's. I don't want to pay for 2 FETs as that will be almost the price of one fresh IVF. (we get a discounted rate at my REs since we have insurance but no IVF.. it will be around $7000, probably more since we need ICSI and AH)
Not all embryos survive the thawing process but if they all do or if 3 do, I want them all in me. The clinic's limit is usually 2 because of my age. I am going to try to push him though. Hopefully my reasons are good enough to make me an exception.
I am back at work today and I did have a cry this morning. I wish I was at home on the couch.
I forgot to mention, they are doing testing on the baby to see if it was chromosome problems or genetics or whatever. I am hoping (weird that I am hoping that something was wrong with my baby) that it was chromosomes as I heard its just a chance you take everytime you make a baby and it doesn't mean it will happen again. I think I would get peace of mind knowing that something was wrong and that baby couldn't make it. I have been letting my mind run wild thinking what if it was something I did wrong or something that I did do. Aaron and I argued on Saturday night and I cried. I was very emotional but then again, I was very emotional during my pregnancy. I didn't cry alot but when I did, oh boy!!! I would get angry 10 times faster then normal and get my feelings hurt 20 times sooner. I keep wondering if I stressed out the baby or if I ate something bad. I think Aaron wonders too so if something was physically wrong with baby, I think we would both feel a little better knowing that God knew what we didn't and that our baby is in a better place.
Like I said, I am still hurting. My insides feel hot and I cry hysterically one moment and then I am smiling again the next. Its all a big ball of emotions. It still feels like a bad dream but by now I know I would have woken up so its real. The hard part is remembering where I was each week. I asked God to help me forget the weeks I was that way I don't ponder on what the baby should have been doing that week etc. So far, I still remember.
Through all of this, I am angry. I feel a little resentment towards God, I won't lie. I feel like I finally had my dream come true then it was taken away. I feel it was cruel. The rug was pulled from under me and I fell flat on my face. But... I won't let my heart get cold or hard. I still trust in God. I need Him to help me make it through this. I have to believe that He does know better. I have to believe that He does care that I am hurt. I have to believe that He is in control and that one day He will bless me a hundred fold. I have to believe that all my tears will turn into laughter again.
There is a song that Aaron played for me. Its an old Rich Mullins song but there is a new version of it. It says "hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf, You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace". I hear it and I cry. God has been there, I won't deny it. I don't understand. I don't see outside the box but He does. Amazingly, I can say God is still good. I had told God before my IVF cycle that I wouldn't be able to handle losing a baby. I asked if He could please give me a BFN rather than a miscarriage. I got the BFP and I felt calm because I thought God had given me my wish. I specifically told Him I would die of pain.
When I remembered praying this, my heart broke. I told Him I had warned Him. But I remembered when saying that I would die. I did feel like I could die, I still feel like I could of the pain, I even get crazy thoughts of running in front of a car. But I am still here! I haven't died and I won't. I thought the pain would kill me but it hasn't. I guess I am stronger than I thought and God knew it. God wouldn't give us more than we could handle right?
Another good thing is that Aaron and I have united through our pain. I have seen the good-expect-nothing-in-return in him these last 2 weeks. He has seen the sensitive little girl in me. We have come together so strong and we are moving forward. He has been my side and has held me late in the night and early in the morning which are the worse times for me. He has kissed me and made me laugh again. He tells me that we are going to make it and that we will have our children soon. I have held him and kissed him. I patted him and hugged him tightly when he broke down. For him, it was more of a leader thing. He felt guilty because he said he didn't take his father role too serious. He felt he should have prayed more and been more of a spiritual leader. I understand the guilt but trust me, he did everything and more. In the beginning of all this I was afraid that this would break me and him and that we wouldn't be able to come out of it but instead its the opposite. We are stronger than ever!! I told our baby the other day that in the short time that he was here, he brought joy and peace to our home and to his mommy and daddy. He brought new love to us and such an innocent excitement. Aaron became so attached to his baby and I knew his heart was never going to be the same. All this from a little baby that was only 2 months old in my womb.
Hearing his heartbeat was such a beautiful sound but its also been haunting. I hear it in my mind and it hurts that it was so real. I wonder if in all this that spotting episode was a gift from God. Afterall, if I wouldn't have come in that Wednesday, I wouldn't have heard the heartbeat. Then on Monday I would have been told that the baby was dead. I guess I got a little sneak peek and although it hurts to remember I will never forget. He was real inside of me and was alive. I thank God for that spotting and that emergency u/s.