7dp6dt...

My beta is this Friday. At least this can end whether in a good way or bad but it will end. I am still holding on hope that a line might appear but for now I am staying away from the hpts. I have one more and I am saving it for at least tomorrow or Wednesday. There isn't any amount of hpts I can buy to make a line magically appear. I minus well wait until I feel for sure that its a bfn.

I had a good day yesterday. We were at church and my mood was good. I guess the shock of the bfn has worn off so I kind of have come to terms with it. I find that it's easier this way.
I go through moods like underwear. One moment I feel doomed, that I will never be a mom, I hate my life, I wonder if I was with somebody else would I be pg by now (with Aaron's male factor this does cross my mind although I feel guilty about this because I love him SOO much and I WANT to have a baby with HIM), etc... Crazy! Then there are days where I am so positive, I know I will be a mother, I know that I will be PG, I know that one of these darn IVFs HAS to work for us, etc... Its funny but sad too.
Well yesterday was a good day and I even went as far as daydreaming. I was in church sitting in the sound booth (I am usually on stage singing but Aaron took me off during the 2ww... he said its too loud up there! lol... Hey, we are playing it on the safe side this time) with a newborn son (don't know why its a son but thats what came to my mind). He was beautiful and I looked at him in awe and I was telling myself that he was really mine. He had a blue blanket around him. I then kind of woke up and put my faith into action (I am really surprised I still know what faith is!) and said I believe I will have a child. I am telling myself that even when I don't feel like it.. Well that was at the beginning of service.
So then I went back to my class where I teach the kids there at church. I have all the school age kids. We were having class and a church member's mom who was visiting came and asked to speak to me. I went out to the hall and she said she just felt to pray for me. I said "okay". She did and prayed for my womb specifically. Now usually, I don't like people praying for me like that because I don't like to get my hopes up (like hey,they just prayed for me and I felt something... I should end up PG soon!), I get embarrased and I don't like telling people about our infertility. But heck, by now I am willing to try whatever.
Come to find out, my mom preached last night (my parents are pastors) and she was teaching about faith. I wasn't out there but Aaron told me. She said that she talked about me. She said she is believing in "something" with all of her heart. He says that for a while she didn't say what that "something" was. But in the end she revealed that it was for our child. She talked about how she doesn't understand why we have had the struggles we have had (me and Aaron). Why some women get PG who obviously don't deserve it (druggies, etc) and then someone who has been desiring it and pleading God about it can't. Someone who has been faithful, someone who lives a "good life", someone who is soo good with kids. She talked about the loss of my baby. She didn't understand why it all happened. But she said that she felt that she needed to have faith. She said how I (me) might not have faith all the time but she will hold me up with her faith.
It really touched me and believe me if this was 6 months ago I would be PISSED because I am embarrased of our infertility. But when I got PG I told the WHOLE church about IVF because I wanted to share how wanted this baby was, how far we had to go get him/her and how God provided us with that insurance. I felt I needed to testify (again, this is from somebody who NEVER spoke of our infertility to nobody in church) and be open with everybody. It felt good and people responded by supporting us and I feel that they all knew just how special that baby was to us. We had ALOT of support from people when we lost the baby. We had alot of prayer and encourement and for a bit I did regret opening my big mouth about IVF/infertility because I felt stupid. But then I realized, hey I believed, I was happy, I wanted the world to know what God did in my life so I told.
So now EVERYBODY knows about our infertility. :)
Thats why I am not mad at my mom. Hey, I figure, after that don't you think people will really pray for us and prayers cannot hurt, I am sure.
So Aaron said she spoke very nice and he felt fine about it. She went on to tell the congregation that she is going to start putting her faith into effect. She said she is going to start buying the baby stuff. She told them that yesterday she went and bought him/her first gift. Its a really really nice vibrating chair thing (don't know what they are called!) . She gave it to me after church and I proudly have it in my living room.
I know this may sound weird to some but it really helps me to think of all the support and prayers I have through all this. It helps that people are believing for me because Lord knows, (read about my "bad" days above) that I don't always have that faith I should have. It really touched me that my mom went that far and to hear that it is effecting her that much even makes me feel better.

The whole deal with my sister was a shock to me. I still am but I am actually excited to see what her baby is going to look like. The bad thing is that her dh is getting deployed to Iraq in October and she is due at the end of November. She will be moving here after he leaves. I am sad for her but I know that it will all be okay. So the baby will be born here and I will get to spend time with her and the baby. I am excited about that.
I was talking to Aaron and he brought up a good point. He said that he was thinking of all this with my sister and he said it actually brought relief to him. He said that with her having the first grandchild, he now feels relief and not so pressured. When he said that I totally agreed. I mean, it wasn't a race to begin with but my parents have been wanting a grandbaby for a long time. I shouldn't feel this way, but I felt guilty because I couldn't give them that. Now my sister is having the first therefore I don't feel guilty anymore. I mean, I still think I should had had the first baby but what can I do about it? Nothing. I then told him that I realize that our baby is going to be special whether it's the 1st or the 4th grandbaby because of the wait we all had to endure. We all were waiting and waiting. We all were anticipating the arrival of this baby for so long that when he/she finally comes, just his/ her existence will be special. Of course my sis' baby takes the race but its okay. Mine will be special and loved even though he wasn't first.
So yeah, I feel the pressure off and now there's just more waiting to be done.

Anyway, this was pretty deep so discuss among yourselves! :)