BFNs SUCK BIG DONKEY BALLS!!!! I know that is pretty nasty to say but that is my favorite saying when it comes to bfns. I tested again last night and sure enough...bfn! Argh! Yeah, I am pretty sure I am out.
I am okay under the circumstances. They were more rough to see in the beginning and as more bfn's showed up, I got used to them so I don't get upset. But I am starting to feel stressed out about my next ivf cycle. Its been bringing me to tears every night while waiting to go to sleep. I guess its the not knowing what is going to happen and if it doesn't happen then what am I going to do next. I know I made plans but still it is all scary. I do have my pregnancy on my side because I did end up pg and in my very first cycle so that is good. But that doesn't mean squat (to me) because here I sit with a bfn in my hands after "you couldn't ask for more" embryos that we transfered 10 days ago. I need to learn (I think I have) that a baby is not guaranteed in all of this. I mean, try, try your hardest but its still not guaranteed. My next fresh cycle could very well end up a bfn and that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be that woman that did 5 ivf cycles and still ended up with nothing, nobody does! I was thinking yesterday though, positive thoughts for a change! I am young. I totally have that on my side. I will be 28 in May and although I am getting in my thirties soon that is still considered "young" in the ivf world.
I am also a good responder to meds. My body probably feels deprived since it never ovulates on its own so when it gets some meds it pretty much goes way beyond great expectations. That is excellent in ivf!
I have other things on my side so that makes me feel a bit safer. But again, baby not guaranteed. I will be okay though. I am excited to do ivf again. I mean, when I think about all the shots, all the appts, all the u/s, all the b/w, all the ovary pain, yeah, not too excited there but when I think of the possibility of ending up pg again, that excites the hell out of me!!!
So the plan is tomorrow is beta. I think I get a follow up with RE about what went wrong this cycle... I plan to bring up the issue of why he only put 2 of the frosties in when we had clearly agreed to all that made it through thaw, whether it was 1 or 4. I am still a bit confused about that and I want some answers. Once that is settled I will let him know I want to take a break of at least one cycle. I think that will be enough but I might end up changing my mind and extending it to 2 cycles. I plan to hit the healthy lifestyle hardcore and start exercising again. I want to lose some weight before I cycle again. I feel a little pudgier since being pg and feel that I am not back to normal so I am trying to lose that plus extra. I want to go into this next ivf in a good mood feeling good about myself and my chances. I ordered a book called "The Art of Making Babies" about ivf and plan to read it front to back to see if I could be doing anything more to improve my chances.

It would have been so nice to get a bfp this cycle but its okay. I will live.