BFNs SUCK!!!! Well at least I am getting it out of my system eh? If this is really negative, at least I already had a taste of negative hpts... I don't want to wake up on 14 dpo feeling PG and then get hit with a blank white test. I rather let it sink in early...

I am NOT giving up yet though!! I still believe in my babies and still believe that they have a chance. Everytime I pass them up on the fridge (pic from RE) I kiss them and tell them to hang in there. I pat my belly and tell them to please stick around. Aaron is still believing so we haven't gave in to the negative yet. I am still early on in the game and this can still very much end up being a pregnancy cycle.

So my sister called me today. I haven't called her and I thought about it today but decided not to. I didn't want to stress out. I felt a bit guilty for avoiding her. Well she called and I almost didn't pick it up but I did. She asked how I was doing and how I felt. I told her I am just stressed. She then went on to tell me how she felt bad. She said that this baby should have went to me and not her. She said she felt God had messed up somewhere as I have been waiting for years. She said that she honestly thought she'd have trouble conceiving (I also had a feeling that she would) but obviously she doesn't. She said that she doesn't regret her pregnancy but if she could, she wished it would had been me and not her right now. She said it was MY time. Even her husband asked her if I was going to be upset about their PG. I thought it was sweet and of course I was crying. I told her I wasn't mad at her but that it's more of a why not me. I told her I felt that this was going to be negative but she says she has a good feeling about it. She also had a good feeling with my ivf so we will see. I told her I would love to be PG along with her. It would be fun! But yeah, it was nice of her. She told me that she had been thinking of me and that she put herself in my shoes.
It made me feel good and it took that jealousy away. I mean, I do wish I could be PG now but if I am not I will just have to accept this. There is no way I could stop talking to my sister so I just have to find a way to deal with it all. It sounds like she understands though.

Its been a rough road and unfortunately we still haven't came to the end. Only God knows when I will finally hold my children in my arms. I wish I could just wake up to that EXACT date. I want to feel normal and just be a woman, a mom. I want to forget this nightmare of waiting and crying and trying. I want to be picking out colors for the nursery, picking out furniture. Going to pedi appts. Going to the park, etc. I am just tired of waiting.
I told my sister to not take that baby for granted. She knows I would do ANYTHING to have what she has right now. She said she doesn't and she sees.

Hopefully I have some good news. Funny thing is if I am PG, I am already.. I just don't know it. The beans would be in there just getting comfy'er. If I am not, then I am not.. no matter how many tests I take. I guess its just waiting game now.