AF is here today. I was worried because I had no signs of her coming but then I started to spot last night and definately no denying, she is here today.
I went home yesterday for half a day. I woke up at 4am with a fever and sick to my stomach. I tried to make it at work but at lunch time I decided there was no way I could sit here for the rest of the day so I left. I slept from 12:30pm until about 6pm! My temp was still the same (101) throughout the night until about 9pm when it finally dropped to 98.4. I slept again and woke up this morning feeling a bit off but SO much better than yesterday. I am off tomorrow for Good Friday so that is always a good thing!

This week has been rough on me. The bfn didn't sting me but now the after effects are here. It just makes losing the baby so much harder on me. I know I sound like a broken record but for some reason I just can't seem to move on. I still cry alot. I still ask why. I still think a thousand thoughts about what happened that day, what I did the day before, etc.. what I could have done. Its just a neverending road it seems. On Tuesday I was going to my parents house for lunch to pick something up and my dad was home. I had been crying driving over there and made myself stop but I got to my dads and he asked what was wrong. Of course, that made me start to cry all over and I ended up being there for about 40 minutes just bawling. The weird thing is that my dad really didn't say much. Sadly, I think he has run out of things to say and I think that even HE doesn't understand why I lost the baby. He doesn't have an answer and he doesn't pretend to. It actually made me feel better that he didn't say much. I just sat there crying.
I cry in the car alot. I cry when certain thoughts go through my mind. I just miss my baby so much and how I wish I could wake up and this all be a looong nightmare. I still can't believe I lost him and I still can't believe that I won't be having him. Then there are times where I can't believe that I was actually pregnant! I am telling you, I am going crazy!

Aaron and I decided that we are going to wait until June/July to start cycling again. That means bcp/Lupron in June and in July will be stims and ER/ET. It sounds like a long time away but I know it will go by fast plus I know its best. We both decided to try the south beach diet along with exercising more. Aaron is also starting his Fertility blend today. I just want to be healthier next time I get PG. If I was to get pg with multiples I want to do everything possible to have a healthy pg. We are both excited and feeling very motivated.
I think the break will also be good for me emotionally. As you read above, I need it. I am also debating whether or not to try accupuncture. I am still up in the air about it though.

Aaron keeps telling me we need to clear out the nursery room. He says we need to prepare and make steps of faith. I totally agree. I hate going in there though because it gives me this ache in the pit of my stomach because it feels so empty but at the same time I look around and try to picture it with a baby in the room along with furniture. I guess it all depends on my mood.

I will still be blogging here although I am not actively trying. I will come and vent because I am sure I will run into days that are unbearable or at least feel that way. I can also write about my progress with my lifestyle change! So until next time...