Easter weekend. Hmph! Well the break was nice. I slept in Friday for way toooo long. Aaron called me at lunch time (yes, 12pm!!!) and I woke up all freaked out. I cleaned some and then we headed to church.
On Saturday Aaron worked so my mom, my cousin, my friend's little girl and I went out for the afternoon. It was fun. My friends little girl ended up coming over and spending the night. She has been doing so alot lately. I don't mind at all. She will be 3 in May and she is just a joy. I love being around her and she makes me ache for a child so much more. I have been around her since she was in her mom's belly so we all have taken her in as our own. She makes the weekends easier on me emotionally (definately not physically :) ) and keeps my mind off of things. I think Aaron likes it too as I am not sitting at home all by myself being depressed.
Anyway, we went shopping on Saturday night with Aaron and we all got some nice Easter Sunday church clothes. I bought Mailey (the little girl) an Easter dress so on Sunday we all looked nice. We then went to dinner and just had a good time watching a movie and going to bed.
On Sunday we got up and got ready for church.
Once there we had to get our service ready and I just started to feel down. I don't know what it is about holidays but oh how they depress me. I started to cry and when I was practicing on stage (I sing back up at church) I just felt cold and stale. Aaron let me off and I went to the office and just cried. I sat there with no lights on and just cried. Aaron came in later and he just hugged me and then my little sister walked in (not the PG one) and hugged me. I told her why I was crying which was good for me as I am always trying to hide my feelings. I told her that I missed my baby and that I cry ALOT. I told her so she wouldn't freak out. She hugged me and then she told me some sweet things. She then decided to be funny and said she would be my baby and sat on my lap like a baby. Dummy!!! She did make me laugh though.
Overall, I made the effort not to breakdown anymore and to cheer up. It worked because I felt alot better afterwards.
I guess holidays are so revolved around kids that it feels like a slap in my face, a more than the usual slap in the face. I guess each Easter that passes is another year that I have been waiting for my turn to dress my little man or little girl in a suit or that puffy pastel dress. They are reminders of each depressing year that has passed by and I still have empty arms.
The next day I am SOOO dreading is my birthday. Blah. I know, usually birthdays are happy celebrations but not for me. I will be 28 years old. I feel my years are going by FAST. Since I turned 25 I SWEAR the years have gone by like days and before I know it I am heading towards my 30's. Fortunately, I am still considered pretty young in the fertility world but I can't help to notice that my plans for my life didn't go as expected. I thought I'd be having my 3rd and probably last child by now! HA!! Yeah, I wanted them pretty young, I just always pictured it that way.
I am holding on to the chance that maybe just maybe this is the last Easter with empty arms. *hopefully* If I got my bfp with ivf in June/July I'd be due in April. Yeah, I am thinking way ahead but it helps me to stay hopeful. Thats a nice thought!! Maybe next year around this time I will be giving birth or ready to give birth. Maybe I will have to buy that little suit or that puffy dress afterall. Hehe, that brings a smile to my face... Maybe, maybe, maybe... Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully...