So yeah.....

Sorry once again!!!!

The holidays were good. I was pretty sad as Christmas came up. I cried alot. I vetoed Christmas and had NO motivation for a tree, for shopping (WHOA!!), for decorations, for stockings, for nothing. I kept thinking how last Christmas I was the happiest most content woman on the face of the earth and how this Christmas I was the most depressed. A year made a HUGE difference. 4 days before Christmas I tell myself to go buy a tree, decorate it and see if that makes me at least a little happy.... it worked! I snapped out of it and made the best of Christmas. I got awesome gifts and just didn't focus on what could have been. I just wished I would had had my baby to take pics with, to dress up in a Christmas outfit and to just be thankful for. Baby would had been around 4 months. I remember that so well because the moment I found out I was pg last year, I quickly figured out the days and months for the upcoming holidays. Sucks now though.

We then went to pick up my sister the day after Christmas Day. We drove all the way to El Paso!!! LOOOOONG drive- approximately 12 hours!! I was nervous and excited. I was scared a little too of what my reaction would be when I met my nephew, also seeing my parents as "grandparents" for the first time and seeing my sister as a "mommy" which I sooo desperately wanted to be.
It went fine. Better than fine actually!! I saw Gabriel and I fell in love. I love him soooo much that I can't keep my hands to myself when I am around him. I love it when he cries, I love it when he coos, I love it when he looks at me. I just love him. Deep down I do wish my baby would had been here to meet his cousin and I think it would had been fantastic for them to be only months apart but I try not to focus on that. My nephew is gorgeous and I am thankful for him. I guess it was the pregnancy part that bothered me the most about my sister. Once the baby was actually here, can't help but to want to hold and kiss him.

Well that brings me to the new year. That was great! We spent it with our family and our church.

The new year has been wonderful so far. I will tell you why.

I was supposed to start estrace this month when af arrived. Well no af thus no estrace. I've been really really thinking about this ttc crap and once again, I have NO energy, NO desire, NO motivation, NO nothing to get back on the crazy train of IVF (sorry my IVF girls!!). None whatsoever. I've made a HUGE decision of NOT moving forward with FET or IVF#3. I've decided to depart from this road for now. I can't even describe what I feel. It's freedom, hapiness, self love, hope and exitement all rolled into one. I will be 29 this year in May. I am young although I know I am not 21 anymore. BUT.... I've wasted too many of my BEST years on this ttc crap. I will never get those years back. I've been a depressed, moody, angry, resentful, self destroying, hopeless, faithless, sad, sad, sad BITCH for almost ALL of my 20's!!! Almost all of them!!! Now I see that it's far more depressing to think of all those years wasted. I know I can't rewind time but this is my last year of being in my 20's. I'll be DAMNED if I go into my 30's the same. No ma'm!! I told my bff that this year, we are living it up! I am back on track on losing more weight (I gained 3-4 lbs over the holidays! DOH!), I've been going out dancing with my friends, having drinks, not worried about dates or appts. It's just been glorious.
I told Aaron and he was fine (I am sure he was RELIEVED haha!) with it and told me that if that's what I want then go for it but to not do it because I am scared. He told me that having a baby was the desire of my heart and to not let it go.
I am not letting it go. I will have children. Whether biological or adoption but I will be a mother one day. That gives me great comfort. I will go back to ttc full force when I turn 30. I just need this year to be wild, to be myself again and to regain the confidence as a woman that I have lost over these last 5 years. It's been that long girls. I got married at 21. I started ttc (no protection) at 21 1/2 -22 years old. I went to 1st RE because I had been charting for a while. I was 23 or 24 years old and freaked out with talk about SA and HSG! I took a break for a year at 25 years old. I came back full force and started different RE at 26 years old. Started IVF treatment in 2006. WOW..... You see how my life has been defined by this??? It's just sad. How could I had neglected my marriage and myself for so long? I guess when you want nothing more than to have a baby it takes you over like a fast growing disease. There is no cure for it and you can get so wrapped into it that you forget about everything else.

My wish is for those that are ttc (especially my IVF girls) to reach their goal. I wish awesome text book ivf cycles with awesome eggies and great sperm which make PERFECT embryos. I wish that you will get a bfp and that you will have a beautiful long awaited baby in your arms (or 2!! hehe). Keep hanging in there as long as you can.
But if you are burned out, well then I invite you to join me on the break side. It doesn't have to be as long as mine but breaks are good. If you've lost yourself in the middle of treatment then find yourself once again. Find your strength (because IVF takes strength!!!) and your faith once again. Wipe your brow and when you are ready jump back in.
It's a tough journey, I know but in the end, whenever that will be, will be totally worth it.

For now, I am leaving my mommyhood dreams behind and will be working on becoming a sexy moma inside and out. hehe It will be good for me, my husband and of course, that baby that I still dream of.

I will come in and check in every once in a while. I will not be joining FF obviously. Being there gives me the evil itch so I need to stay AWAY. lol Keep me updated though because I love hearing the success stories on all of my old friends. Keep in touch and know that you are all strong, amazing women in my eyes no matter how low you feel. YOU ARE.