I am getting more and more excited about our FET cycle but also afraid. I was just like this when I was getting close to our IVF cycle. I guess it just comes with the territory. I am afraid that it won't work. I am afraid that the embies won't make it through thaw. I am afraid that I will miscarry again.. The fears don't stop!!!!
Now here are the things I am hopeful for. They are the opposite of what I fear. My mind goes back and forth. I am hopeful that I all my embies will make it or at least 3!! (RE assumes this also) I am hopeful that ONE HAS to implant out of 3 or 4!! It just has to!! I am hopeful that I will have more than one although for the babies health, will only be excited about this option if all babies are healthy and no complications. I am hopeful that my miscarriage was just a fluke and that it was ordained that way and that this next PG I will carry to term.
I thought my transfer would take place at the end of March but its most likely to be in the middle of March. By the end of March, I should be finding out if it worked!!! (which I think it will- positive thoughts!)
I do really have a feeling it will work like I did with my IVF. I hope I am right.
Aaron and I are praying hard for this. We started early this time (too much prayer never hurts) and we are believing that this FET will finally bring our baby (or babies) into our arms.
This month I need to concentrate on eating good and just getting healthier. I have my maternity clothes ready (yes I had already bought some, bought some way before IVF too) ready to go. I just want to be PG so bad. I hate that I have to start all over but what can I do. I will have to go through the torture of waiting on beta results, waiting on 1st u/s, waiting on 2nd u/s , graduating, etc... but at the same time I will get to experience taking that pee stick and seeing a light line, then getting darker and darker. I get to experience that "pregnancy" on the digi again. I get to dream about my baby (babies) and how they are growing inside of me. That makes it bittersweet and worth it. I hope this really, really works!

I am counting down the days!!! UGH... Monday is my appt. I really hope to get the answers to the testing we had done on our baby. That would be awesome if we could get them that day although they told us it would be 3 weeks. We will see...
I also can't wait to hear what is next. I am sure its our FET. I am just wondering how long I have to wait. Hopefully not too too long.
I decided to call my insurance company today just to hear it for myself that we no longer have IVF coverage since our insurance carrier changed. We now have a max of $10K (not sure if I have shared this yet) which MY clinic said that only IUI was included under the $10K.. no IVF. Although, they would give us a discount because we DO have insurance... it would be around $7,000.. still who has all that money laying around for something that isn't guaranteed. Of course, if that's what we have to do, then we will... But first things are first.
Anyway, I called 2 times just to make sure they were correct! Both representatives said that YES, IVF is included in our IF coverage!!!! So I suppose if IVF IS covered then FET is too. If not, well $3000 is MUCH better than $7,000! So I called the Serano lines which will call your insurance company for YOU to verify IF coverage. I will hear from them tomorrow. I am just wondering if the insurance company had a clue of what they were talking about... IVF and stuff isn't really popular and not many people know about it. I SO HOPE THAT THEY ARE RIGHT THOUGH. With the $10K limit, I have 1 more fresh cycle to try and a little bit towards another cycle. That would give me peace going into the FET cycle since the FET isn't as high as the IVF. If IVF isn't included, I have thought up a plan. I will do the FET no matter what. That will be first. Hopefully, I end up PG and carry to term. If not, I will probably do a couple of IUI's (inuterine inseminations) with injectibles. I don't want to do too many as I don't want to use up our $10K. Then during reenrollment time, I will switch over to the other insurance company that Aaron's company offers. We have Blue Cross but they also had Aetna. I chose Blue Cross just because.. I called Aetna today and they DO cover IVF but its still a $10K limit AND both insurance companies are combined. In other words, the $10K is for BOTH insurance companies. I can't go use up $10K with this one then use up $10 with the other. Once the $10K is gone, it's gone. So I want to save it up to switch over if I have to. That won't be until November though.. *sigh* Hopefully, I don't have to go that far. My parents would help us with a fresh IVF also but I don't want to do that. They are helping us enough in our FET (paying for it) and I would hate to make them spend another $7-10K on an IVF. I don't know.. I will cross that bridge once we get there.
For now, I am praying that its true and that our insurance covers the IVF. That way, I might still have my parents help us out on our FET and if BFN, we will do a fresh IVF with our insurance asap!!!!
Okay, I am rambling!!!! I have been thinking about this and it helps when I write about it.

The bleeding has stopped and I think it's brought closure. Today was actually a good day. I talked at work, I ate something good, I came home in a good mood, etc. Of course, yesterday I had a HUGE cry here all by myself while everyone else was at work but I felt so good afterwards. I am feeling hopeful again and I even told myself that I was going to have a baby soon. I went to Target and walked through the baby aisle and bought 2 cute onsies. I know, but I couldn't resist. The thought of "I actually got PG" came to my mind and it made me smile. I actually can say that I had a baby in there which is something that I thought was impossible.
I have my follow up appt with Dr. Dunn on Monday (a week from today) and I am excited. I want to see what the plan is. I want to get some dates down so I can start counting down the weeks/days whatever. I did that during IVF and it kept me looking forward to the next time I would see the doc or start a new med.
I really hope that I don't have to wait too long but I don't want to rush into it either. I want to do this right and give my body the best chance of PG again so whatever it takes to heal. As long as I get my schedule.. I will be okay.
I miss my little baby so much. I do. It still breaks my heart but I know that he is in Heaven. I am also waiting to hear about the results of the testing they were going to do to see what went wrong. I honestly feel that that would give me closure and give me the courage to accept the miscarriage so much better. I just hate wondering "what if I did this" or "I should have done this". If something was wrong with our baby, then I can have peace of mind that it was out of our control and it was best. KWIM?
Anyway, I will update more later.

I now feel that I can write about this. It might be theuraputical for me.
On the 8th we went in to graduate from Dr. Dunn's office to my new ob/gyn. Aaron and I were so excited. I finally believed I was pregnant and finally believed that there was a baby in there. How could you deny it with the heart beating so beautifully 4 days before? I ran to Walmart right before our appt to buy a voice recorder. I planned to get a cheap one but why buy a cheap on for something as important as this. I wanted to record the baby's heart for my parents. I knew it would make them so happy. So off I go and I get home ready to pick up Aaron. I needed to shower so I did very very quickly. Aaron wasn't ready (which I argued with him about) but finally we were in the car.
As we drove there we made up and decided to just get over it. We were then SO excited!!!! I decided to test out the recorder and left a little message saying we were on the way and how happy that I was. Aaron left one too but his was funny. He did it like a spy and said the time and the highway we were on. He also said how happy he was.
We got to the REs and I swear I was so calm and so happy. Aaron too! Usually, I am so nervous and so distraught before appts because I am just paranoid but after seeing the heartbeat, I believed everything was fine.
We were there in the waiting room kissing and cuddling and just looking like we were about to be announced for an award show or something.
So they call us back and I get my little sheet on. Aaron is of course making jokes as usual. I turn on the recorder right before the u/s tech comes in. I hide it under my shirt and lay there ready to see and hear the baby.
Aaron gets up and walks to the screen. She always takes pics of my ovaries and THEN gets to the baby. I am smiling and giggling looking at Aaron. He never looked at me which was usual because he would get so excited seeing the baby that he forgot I even existed! But this time it was different. He didn't smile, he didn't blink. I saw him look at the tech's face about 3 times. I had my recorder on still and was just waiting and waiting for the heartbeat. I felt her pull out and she told me to get dressed and to wait for the doctor. She sounded and looked weird. I looked at Aaron and he was pale and his eyes were red. I told him he was freaking me out. I asked him what did he see and he said nothing. He said he didn't see the heart anymore. I didn't let him get me down but finally the fear crept in. I told him that what probably happened was that last time I spotted and they were specifically looking for the baby and the heart. This time I was fine so maybe he just missed it. He said "yeah, everything is fine". We waited for 45 minutes!! We usually wait for 10 minutes. That wait was the longest and I literally felt faint and like I was dreaming. Aaron kept kissing me and telling me that everything was okay. The couple that was in the waiting room kept looking at us so I tried to hide my tears by looking down. FINALLY the doc called us back and from that moment I knew something was wrong. His tone and facial expressions were different. We got to his office and the first thing he said was that he had bad news... the pregnancy wasn't viable. After that I don't remember much just pieces. I literally felt like I was in a dream and that at any moment I would wake up. I kept saying Oh God and Aaron was just holding me. I did manage to ask questions but I don't remember what.

I have cried and cried. I have asked why. I have felt angry. I don't understand the purpose of this. I would have rather had a bfn then this. I would have even rather miscarried early than at 8/9 weeks. Sometimes I would rather have not heard the little heartbeating just 4 days before this.

On Thursday we had a pre op appt and we requested another u/s. Aaron and I really believed that things could turn around. Our faith really was great that day. Unfortunately, things were the same. They gave me a pill to take that night to soften my cervix and make it easier for my d & c the following morning. After about 2 hours of taking the pill I started to cramp. I had no bleeding or cramping prior to this. By midnight i had very very strong cramps. I believe that they were uterine contractions as I read that this pill caused them. I would get them every 5- 10 minutes and they were excrutiating. They would run all down my legs. By 2 am I was so tired and sleepy but they kept me up. I would finally fall asleep but then would wake up to pain. I couldn't drink nothing after midnight and I had diarhhea so I got dehydrated. I was in the bathroom when I started to see blood. I cried but managed to go back to bed. Aaron was with me the whole time. I got again later on by myself and I was on the toilet when I started to feel faint and dizzy. I cried out to Aaron but I didn't have strength to scream. I passed out while sitting but just for a few seconds. I finally got Aaron up and he came to help me. I kept passing out on him and then I woke up on the floor with him holding me up. It was horrible. Aaron kept telling me to drink something and I know that I should had but there was no way I wanted them to cancel me in the morning after everything I had just been through and there was no way I wanted to miscarry naturally. I was in pain. So I actually got some sleep for about an hour. I did wake up from the cramps still but I managed to sleep.
In the moring I was still hurting but relieved. As I was in the room by myself waiting I was crying. I knew that was it. I didn't talk much but I do remember everybody being nice. I remember wheeling off to the OR and I was still crying.
I woke up crying and Aaron says that I was rubbing my belly and saying "my baby" over and over. The nurse asked me if it hurt in my belly and I mumbled "no". I remember she said "Oh, it hurts in here (pointed at her heart), I know sweety".
I eventually woke up enough to go home. I had had nothing but great support since then. My mom has called me several times a day and has come over when I have been alone. Aaron has been taking care of me and all around us, people have been praying for us. My dad is heartbroken and took it pretty hard. He knows I am hurting so bad and he hates to see me sad. Also, he was so excited to be a grandfather.

Of course now everything feels like its getting worse. I found out that our new insurance (Aaron's company merged) does NOT cover IVF. It does cover IUI and testing/ diagnosing up to $10,000 but no IVF. I learned this right after hearing that I had lost the baby. It made the pain even worse.

THe good thing is that I have coverage. I can do IUI with injectibles alot as I have the $10,000 max. But the best thing is that my parents have offered to help us out with our frozen embryos and possibly a fresh IVF cycle if needed.
When I was in my ivf cycle I didn't want any left over embryos as I had a hard time dealing (morally) thinking about how they were in the clinic just waiting. Since I though I would carry to term I didn't think I would get to them for years. I even told Aaron I didn't want any left and if there were some, I hoped I only got a couple. THANK GOD that we have 4 babies on ice. I am so happy that God didn't answer that prayer. THe transfer is much cheaper than a fresh IVF cycle. I don't take nearly as much meds and its easier on the body. It runs about $3000 and my parents are ready for me to get started ASAP. Aaron and I also feel the need to move on asap. I think that is the only thing that is keeping me going- having a plan for the future. They told me I have to wait and get at least a period. I plan to get my FET at the end of Feb/ March. I have a follow up appt on the 29th with my doc and hopefully he is on board with our decision. I also want to convince him to transfer all the embryo's. I don't want to pay for 2 FETs as that will be almost the price of one fresh IVF. (we get a discounted rate at my REs since we have insurance but no IVF.. it will be around $7000, probably more since we need ICSI and AH)
Not all embryos survive the thawing process but if they all do or if 3 do, I want them all in me. The clinic's limit is usually 2 because of my age. I am going to try to push him though. Hopefully my reasons are good enough to make me an exception.
I am back at work today and I did have a cry this morning. I wish I was at home on the couch.
I forgot to mention, they are doing testing on the baby to see if it was chromosome problems or genetics or whatever. I am hoping (weird that I am hoping that something was wrong with my baby) that it was chromosomes as I heard its just a chance you take everytime you make a baby and it doesn't mean it will happen again. I think I would get peace of mind knowing that something was wrong and that baby couldn't make it. I have been letting my mind run wild thinking what if it was something I did wrong or something that I did do. Aaron and I argued on Saturday night and I cried. I was very emotional but then again, I was very emotional during my pregnancy. I didn't cry alot but when I did, oh boy!!! I would get angry 10 times faster then normal and get my feelings hurt 20 times sooner. I keep wondering if I stressed out the baby or if I ate something bad. I think Aaron wonders too so if something was physically wrong with baby, I think we would both feel a little better knowing that God knew what we didn't and that our baby is in a better place.
Like I said, I am still hurting. My insides feel hot and I cry hysterically one moment and then I am smiling again the next. Its all a big ball of emotions. It still feels like a bad dream but by now I know I would have woken up so its real. The hard part is remembering where I was each week. I asked God to help me forget the weeks I was that way I don't ponder on what the baby should have been doing that week etc. So far, I still remember.
Through all of this, I am angry. I feel a little resentment towards God, I won't lie. I feel like I finally had my dream come true then it was taken away. I feel it was cruel. The rug was pulled from under me and I fell flat on my face. But... I won't let my heart get cold or hard. I still trust in God. I need Him to help me make it through this. I have to believe that He does know better. I have to believe that He does care that I am hurt. I have to believe that He is in control and that one day He will bless me a hundred fold. I have to believe that all my tears will turn into laughter again.
There is a song that Aaron played for me. Its an old Rich Mullins song but there is a new version of it. It says "hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf, You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace". I hear it and I cry. God has been there, I won't deny it. I don't understand. I don't see outside the box but He does. Amazingly, I can say God is still good. I had told God before my IVF cycle that I wouldn't be able to handle losing a baby. I asked if He could please give me a BFN rather than a miscarriage. I got the BFP and I felt calm because I thought God had given me my wish. I specifically told Him I would die of pain.
When I remembered praying this, my heart broke. I told Him I had warned Him. But I remembered when saying that I would die. I did feel like I could die, I still feel like I could of the pain, I even get crazy thoughts of running in front of a car. But I am still here! I haven't died and I won't. I thought the pain would kill me but it hasn't. I guess I am stronger than I thought and God knew it. God wouldn't give us more than we could handle right?
Another good thing is that Aaron and I have united through our pain. I have seen the good-expect-nothing-in-return in him these last 2 weeks. He has seen the sensitive little girl in me. We have come together so strong and we are moving forward. He has been my side and has held me late in the night and early in the morning which are the worse times for me. He has kissed me and made me laugh again. He tells me that we are going to make it and that we will have our children soon. I have held him and kissed him. I patted him and hugged him tightly when he broke down. For him, it was more of a leader thing. He felt guilty because he said he didn't take his father role too serious. He felt he should have prayed more and been more of a spiritual leader. I understand the guilt but trust me, he did everything and more. In the beginning of all this I was afraid that this would break me and him and that we wouldn't be able to come out of it but instead its the opposite. We are stronger than ever!! I told our baby the other day that in the short time that he was here, he brought joy and peace to our home and to his mommy and daddy. He brought new love to us and such an innocent excitement. Aaron became so attached to his baby and I knew his heart was never going to be the same. All this from a little baby that was only 2 months old in my womb.
Hearing his heartbeat was such a beautiful sound but its also been haunting. I hear it in my mind and it hurts that it was so real. I wonder if in all this that spotting episode was a gift from God. Afterall, if I wouldn't have come in that Wednesday, I wouldn't have heard the heartbeat. Then on Monday I would have been told that the baby was dead. I guess I got a little sneak peek and although it hurts to remember I will never forget. He was real inside of me and was alive. I thank God for that spotting and that emergency u/s.

We have a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 140 bpm! The spotting was probably from our wild sex the night before but I guess we will never know... The baby is measuring perfectly. He/she is sooo much bigger than the previous picture. Its truly amazing. I had the probe in me and for a couple of seconds we heard the heartbeat loud and clear. Of course, being that I have never experienced PG, I thought for sure that is MY heartbeat... it's way too early to hear it. Right? WRONG. It was the baby's heartbeat and it was soo loud and precious! Aaron had a HUGE smile on his face. I had told him to give me some kind of sign like a thumbs up or something as soon as he saw the chico but the more I looked at him the more worried I became. His face looked like he had seen a ghost. Later on, I find out that at first he didn't see anything. He said that the screen looked blank and that he got really scared. The tech was taking scans of everything though (ovaries..I guess checking for cysts?) so that could explain why he didn't see much but then he said that she zoomed in and then he saw the baby. Then she zoomed in more and more and he said he saw the heartbeating. He said the screen said "babys heartbeat". Thats when we heard it!!! I am soo happy and so relieved. I am just in awe right now. I can't believe there is a little heart beating in my belly.

Well my fears are now here in my face. I spotted last night and I am terrified. I keep reassuring myself with the explanation of it being my cervix. The night before, Aaron and I had sex and it was a little rough, I guess you can say. Nothing that hurt but a little rough. The nurse on call said that it could definately be that and probably is. She said women sometimes will spot right after intercourse a light pinkish color or a day or 2 or 3 and it will be darker. She said its just that the cervix is so sensitive that even touching it with a q-tip will make it bleed. She said the good thing was that it was dark. I explained the color to be a dark brown- dark maroon color. It looked sort of like a dark mauve. She said that meant old blood so whatever it was that happened had already happened. If it was red, then that would be different. Honestly, the spotting did alarm me but since it was old I wasn't too too freaked out until I wiped again and found a clot!! It was a dark dark brown color and thats when I almost passed out. The nurse reassured me about this too saying that sometimes you will see what looks like tissue but again its old.
I hope she is right! I blame the sex for now and I called my REs office and they want me to come in asap! I had an u/s on Monday but they want me in today at 1pm. THat scared me.. I thought that they would just tell me it was normal.
I am so scared and to top it all off Aaron might not be able to go. His company is merging with another as we speak so there are alot of things going on right now (meetings, changes) and he has no time. UGH. This is horrible.

My appt is now days away instead of weeks away. I feel much better. I guess I go through these worry spurts then the next day I feel okay. I am still nervous but I am not going crazy looking for an outside u/s company. I just decided to wait, be patient and let the 8th come. I can't do anything about what is to happen.
I just trust in God that everything is okay.
I have been feeling a little quesy at times. It doesn't last too long but I have noticed it. I have gagged at smells. I can smell something so strong and distinct. It literally makes me gag!! My boobs look a little different too. They seem a bit bigger but not where I am "WHOA!", kwim? I can just see a slight difference.
The symptoms make me feel a little better, I admit. I totally expected my PG to be different though.. actually I couldn't even imagine myself PG for the longest time but if *did* I imagined me being sick, puking and just blah. I imagined my boobs getting gigantic and just feeling PG.
So far PG has been good to me from what I hear.
I am 7 weeks 4 days today. I am getting up there. I am almost 2 months!! Its exciting and scary though. I just can't wait to see the "chico" again!!! (Aaron and I's nickname for the little one) I am so excited!!! I wish it was tomorrow!!!!! I can't wait to compare the scan from over 2 weeks ago to this one. There should be a BIG difference.

I haven't written in a while and I have so much on my mind.

AGAIN, I am freaked out! I just keep wondering if my babys' heart is beating in there or not. (it should be since I am 7 weeks now) I just keep thinking about it and with the holidays it wasn't so bad but now that Christmas is over, I am left with nothing to do and I end up thinking. I am trying to find an outside company that will do u/s on the side just to see the baby. I even thought of going in to the emergancy room!!!! Thats how desperate I am... My u/s isn't until the 8th and I just can't see myself waiting so long. I just pray and pray that the baby is doing perfectly fine in there.
My symptoms are still here but now I have come up with another thought. I think all of my symptoms are from the PIO I am taking. I wonder if I stop the PIO (which I can't as my progesterone is too low) would my symptoms go away? Its just crazy. I just wish I was out of the 1st trimester...
I don't feel as hungry anymore, I don't feel as tired anymore and have actually stayed up alot this week. I know I am sooo paranoid and I should stop but I can't help it!!!


On another note, Christmas was good. Really good. I got some awesome gifts and spent alot of time with family. It was great!!! I was off for 5 days in a row so that was the BEST part!!! hehe The days went by pretty fast though. I am off again this Monday so hopefully time will go by fast this week!!!

So I can breathe again!!!!!! There is only 1 in there and he/she is measuring right on!!! I am 5w6d and my scan said he/she measures 5w5d so our RE said it was perfect! We saw the fetal pole and yolk sac. We didn't get to see a heartbeat yet and I knew that we probably wouldn't but by next u/s we should!!! Dr. Dunn was very happy for us and told me to relax and to keep doing a good job.

I cried the whole way over there. All day I had such a nervousness in me that by the time I was home I was just a ball of emotions. I cried the whole 45 minutes there... Then I cried while the tech did the u/s. I was just so afraid that the screen was empty and that she wouldn't be able to find the little one. I layed there with hot tears running down my face looking away from Aaron as I didn't want to see what faces he was making. I worried because she took alot of pics and I thought for sure she was looking and looking but couldn't find anything.
She isn't allowed to talk to us about the results which made it HARDER so once we went to the waiting area to wait for Dr. Dunn I started to CRY again. I was just leaning on Aaron's shoulder when Dr. D came. He saw that I was crying and asked if I was nervous... I just laughed and said yes. Then as we were walking in to his office he said it was GOOD. HOOORAY, I felt in my soul!!! He explained everything to us and asked our questions. It was just heaven to hear it!!!

I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! I go back on the 8th because they are closed for the holidays. I should hear a heartbeat by then.

I have 20 minutes until I get off... I will go home and rest for a little, get dressed and head off to the RE with Aaron. My God, I am so nervous. I just have a funky feeling and I am stressing big time. I feel like crying, I feel like hiding away and I am already thinking what I am going to do if I get bad news? What will I do for Christmas?

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so worried? Is it a sign? Is it my instincts telling me the baby is not there anymore? Why can't this be easy? I read about other moms and they are already planning whether or not they are finding out the sex!!! I am still thinking of getting to 6 weeks (tomorrow) then 7, 8, 9, etc...

I am set that I trust God though. I know that even though my mind is going crazy right now, I trust in the Lord. I have from the beginning. I know He will come through for me... I don't know what that means, but I know He will.

OH GOD!!

I will post once I get back. We are supposed to go out and celebrate so I should be home later on...

We are now 5 1/2 hours away!! My appt is not until 2 pm and I wish I was at home sleeping so the time wouldn't go by so slow. My stomach is in knotts and my mind is racing. I know that I have been positive but I am just scared. I am scared that the baby died or that there is no baby in there. I am so scared. I have been praying and hoping and just want good news. I have no reason to believe that I have lost the baby but then again I wouldn't have one. THats what keeps going through my mind! I am on progesterone so that would keep AF away. My boobs hurt, yes, but that is the progesterone. My temps are high, yes, but again progesterone. I just have an excuse for everything! I am hungrier but that could just be me.

This is just so nervewracking. I don't even feel like going in to the u/s!! I just want good news...

24 hours to go... It's 2:05 pm right now. I just got butterflies in my stomach and my heart is beating harder. I can't help but to wonder what is going to happen tomorrow. I know its a vaginal u/s and that I have to go with my bladder empty but I just wonder what happens. The tech will be doing the u/s which means that she can't talk about the results with me. How is that possible? How will I know if I have a heartbeat or not or where the sac is or the fetal pole? My nurse said that we would see Dr. Dunn right afterwards but still. I would like to have everything on the screen explained to us. I am sure it will go good though but I am still worried. Will this worrying ever stop? I don't think so. I am now a mother. :) I guess it helps me understand my mom more.
My mom was so sweet today too. She was telling me all about what she has been reading on PG and what I should do. She was asking me how I feel and asking me about m/s and my boobs! LOL I guess everyone is surprised when I say that I feel good. I don't feel nauseaus yet and everyone seems to expect that.

The day is getting closer and I must admit that I am nervous. I have had a "good" feeling since starting the cycle but now as I get closer to see if my baby is growing and doing good, my heart starts beating faster and I can't concentrate or anything else.. So I have been trying to avoid the thoughts and just wait patiently. So far its worked as I am only 2 days away now! I just pray that we will get good news and that we will get to see at least a faint little brand new heartbeat. I have become more adjusted to the idea of a singleton. Aaron says he thinks there is only one in there... My betas seem to be normal high but not too high. My symptoms are minimal and although you can't base that on trying to figure out if its one or two, I pretty much gave into the singleton thought. I really don't care if its one or two, as long as I have one. Well, let me rephrase that... I have become attached to both of them. I saw them both and so they grew on me. Up until beta, I referred to them as "them". Now I say "baby". But I just want a healthy bean or two in there... By the way, I am ready to zonk out right now!!!
Anyway, my "symptoms" haven't gotten any worse. I am still sleepy and tired but thats it! I have no morning sickness whatsoever! I sort of wish I did though just to feel pregnant. My boobs hurt but I say its the progesterone. I am peeing alot still so thats another good sign.

Well its still 2 days away :) so I guess I will go back to waiting...

I thought I would drop in and talk. The obsession never seems to stop right? First it was IVF, retrieval, transfer, then PG tests, then BETA, and now 1st u/s. All these subjects are on my internet browser since I obsess with each step of the way. I guess it's normal.
Since I am on progesterone in oil, my symptoms could be that or real PG symptoms. I am not sure... But so far I am feeling TIRED and all the time! Today I actually feel good. I just feel like I am walking around in a daze. Last night I felt off. I look "off". I really need to relax more though. I have a Christmas program coming up this weekend so it has me on my feet but I am feeling like I need to rest. That is my plan for tonight! Tomorrow we are having a dinner banquet so no rest tomorrow.
Another symptom is hunger! I am hungry almost all the time. I eat then my food goes down, and then 2-3 hours later my stomach starts tugging again. This morning I ate chili for breakfast. It was GOOD. I also ate an apple and some goldfish. Its 11:30 and I feel like I am starving again.
I have also been having dizzy spells every now and then. All of a sudden I will feel the room spin and I just sit still and let it pass. Those are weird and I am sure people can tell as I sit there looking pale and in a daze.
What else.. hmmm. I guess that's it. NO morning sickness yet!! I feel good besides the fatigue so thats always awesome. Of course, I wouldn't mind m/s as long as the baby is doing good.
Oh and I pee alot and I get hot really quick. I was giving my testimony at church this Sunday and I was sweating bullets! I am talking about just sweat pouring down my face. It was hot in there but the nerves plus all the hormones made me a sweaty pig! Not attractive...
But who cares, right? I am just happy to have a little baby in there. I bought an Equate test last night. I hadn't tested since Sunday. The line was DARK purple. It was nice to see just for reassurance.
So my u/s is on 12/20. It seems far away but its only a week from today. I have to admit that I am nervous. I am just scared of miscarrying. On FF when I see the siggies of the women who had miscarriages they have the week the baby was when they miscarried. Some say 8 or 9 weeks. Some even say 10 weeks. Some say early like 5 or 6 weeks. Its just scary that I am so early and that I am still so far away from being safe... I just pray and pray that everything turns out good and that I will carry this baby to term. No miscarriage, no early labor, no stillbirth, nothing like that. Aaron is praying too so hopefully our prayers together (where 2 or 3 agree) will be heard.

2nd beta was today!! I just got my results....

664!!!

Progesterone was 23.7 so I stay on the shots... I am kind of relieved to here that as I was worried they were taking me off too soon. Plus my mom had several miscarriages and we just want to be careful..

WOOHOO!!! My beta is doing GOOD!! I have my u/s for 12/20/06!!

Where are you Christmas Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing, I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too, Where are you Christmas
Do you remember, The one you used to know
I'm not the same one, See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here, Everywhere,
ohChristmas is here
If you care,
ohIf there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas ,I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas, Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love

(Where are you Christmas- song by Faith Hill)





I used to hear this song and get so sad. Every year during the holidays I had a hard lump in my throat. A sadness and emptiness in my heart. This Christmas is filled with joy and happiness but I haven't forgotten the pain. It still hurts. I really hope I get to hold this baby (ies) in my arms next year in Aug.

So I went and did my beta today. I woke up early and just layed there thinking. I was excited but nervous! I have still been testing so HPTs are getting darker and darker still but the BETA is the "ONE" test.
So come around noon my nurse calls. She told me that she knew I had cheated (I had told her earlier this week) but CONGRAGULATIONs anyway... She said to keep taking the PIO and baby aspirin and that I will come in on Monday again for a repeat beta to make sure my numbers are going up. Oh duh! My number was :


185!!!

Yippeee! She said that it was a very good number and that she would guess its only 1 in there. I told her I didn't care as long as there was 1! Aaron is happy, my mom is happy and I am happy! WOohoo!!

Okay, so I couldn't keep it in but to my defense neither could Aaron!!!! We told!!! We still did what we were going to do for Christmas but instead we took them to dinner and then gave them their "early" Christmas gifts. It was my mom, dad, and one of my sisters. My other sister couldn't make as she was working but I would later get a hold of her. So we ate and boy was that dinner LOOONG. I ate so fast but my parents were slow. My heart was beating hard and fast as me and Aaron caught glances at each other. Every now and then we would giggle without them noticing. So finally they finished and we were just talking. Then Aaron said that we brought them out to give them some early Christmas presents. They looked a bit confused. So I had wrapped all their gifts up and he passed them out. We decided that we would give them gifts that were associated with their roles such as "grandma" or "grandpa". So for my mom we got her some spanish chocolate bars that are used to make hot chocolate (which is SO good by the way). The chocolate is called "Abuelita" chocolate. "Abuelita" means grandmother in spanish. For my dad we found some natural soap by the brand of "Grandpa's". It was an acne soap! For my sister that was there we got her a pack of flour tortillas called "Tia Rosa" which "Tia" means Aunt in spanish. And for my little sister we got her a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup!!! So Aaron gave it to them and they unwrapped them. It was sooo funny because they didn't get it!! My sister said "TORTILLAS???" (she really thought she was getting a good present..hehe) She said "is this a joke?". Then my mom was looking at her chocolate so confused. She just said "chocolate?". Later she told me she thought I wanted her to make me some chocolate.. lol My dad took the longest to open his and Aaron helped him yank off the paper. He said "Grandpa's soap" (reading the label). My mom read it and said that my dad didn't have acne... too funny! So we kept quiet and then I *think* my dad kind of got it because he looked at his then my moms. He told my mom "look what they are trying to tell you... grandma, grandpa". Then my sister said "Tia, Grandma, Grandpa!! AWWWW!!!! Your PG!" My mom asked me "Are you pregnant???" I said "YES!!!" So I started to cry ALOT. I looked at my mom and dad and my mom was teary eyed and my dad was CRYING. It was soo sweet. He just stared at me and asked "really?" I just nodded. It was perfect!!!! Then they congragulated us and my sister hugged me! It was a night I will never forget. My other sister finally got there and we gave her her gift. She asked "SYRUP??" She said "what are you trying to tell me?" So then my other sis grabbed all their other gifts and showed them to her. And she finally got it!! She asked "are you having a baby?" I said "yup". She hugged me and was so happy. Its really neat to see them so happy with me. I know already that our child(ren) are loved so much already.
Once we left we went over to my cousins house as I knew a bunch of people were over there. Some of our closest friends from church were over there and plus I am really really close to my cousin. So I acted like nothing and then I told her I wanted to take a picture of her family in front of their house for Christmas. Her husband was all grouchy because he was cold but I begged him. So it was them and their 2 girls. I had the camera and I told them that instead of saying cheese say "Diana" so they obediently repeated. Then I said "IS PREGNANT!" I snapped the picture right after I said that! It was too funny! I got the picture of my cousin and one of her girls with their mouth wide open SCREAMING. Its a GREAT pic for the scrapbook!! Hehe...
So tonight we are telling my grandma and my mother in law. Its sooo exciting!!! We are just so happy and so cheerful right now.
I tested again last night and it was DARKER. Everyday my first response tests get darker and darker.. Soon they will be as dark as the control line. Today I am 4 weeks exactly or 14 dpo!!! I am feeling sleepy, and sluggish. I am starting to get headaches. And I seem to be hungry alot but once I eat I get full really quick. I weighed myself this morning since I didn't weight myself during IVF because I knew I had gained some weight from all the bloating. Well I weighed in at the same if not 2-3 lbs lighter. SO I am glad to be back to my normal weight. Right now, I could just zonk out and probably will during lunch... *yawn*

The good thing so far is no nausea! Yeah! I hate being sick to my stomach because I hardly every am. I haven't thrown up in years (like way over 5 years!!!) so when I feel sick its horrible. I don't puke easily so that is good. Well the things I have noticed so far (but could totally be the progesterone shots) are the dreams, very vivid dreams every night since about 5 days ago. Every morning I wake up thinking that my dream was real. The other funny thing is that my mind is off. I am not sure what is going on. I thought it was funny the other day (before BFP) and I even mentioned it to Aaron that I must be pregnant because I had the PG brain. I was cleaning my stove and usually I clean it with the orange degreaser stuff. Well I go under the sink and grab a bottle. When I realized what I was doing I was like "what in the world?". I was degreasing the stove with Windex. I must say that it made it really shiney though! lol Then the other day I took a shower. I came out and was drying my hair and realized that I had forgotten to wash my body!! DUH!!! At walmart (during my psycho 2ww woman phase) I forgot my debit card to buy my PG tests so I only bought one with the emergency credit card. It didn't even phase me that I could write a check. And last but not least I am here at work right now and I had a juvenile waiting for his probation office for 30 minutes!!! I totally forgot he was here. I am just in la la land...

We got it!!! I have now changed over to the PG side and its official for us BOTH!! I am pregnant! I am pregnant!! I am pregnant!!! Merry Christmas to me!!!
I