The 'ole witch is here!! CD#1 for me, baby!!!! I just called Honey to go over my protocol. I am finally excited!!!!!!!! This is the start to something new and hopefully something WONDERFUL. I am ready to give my little embies a home. I just pray that everything from now on goes smoothly.

I was talking to Aaron last night because I have been having doubts about FET this cycle. Not because of negative thoughts but because my sister is getting married in December. The eighth to be exact. I am feeling bad in case I do become PG because I don't want to miss her wedding of course. I don't care to be big and fat. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't miss her wedding for that. Aaron says to DO IT. He wants to have a baby THIS year 2007, even if they come on Christmas. So we are going for it!!! I wouldn't be due until around Christmas time anyways but still... its a chance to take but Aaron and I are both wanting this baby THIS year!!!!! I am sure everything will work itself out.

I am popping my last pill tonight! YIKES. I can't believe I will be starting the meds back up this week. It seems surreal. I am ready though!! I have been walking again and actually did some running. We are going again tonight. I have been eating alot of protein and drinking lots of water. I just want to feel healthier in general. Have I mentioned that I am excited and scared??? :)

I forgot to mention that I had a dream the other night about doing another fresh ivf cycle. I was in the OR with the RE (who wasn't my RE, it was a woman I had never seen) and she was sitting in front of me. I guess I had had my retrieval already. Well she goes on to tell me she had gotten 3,000 eggs (huh????) . I responded "isn't that bad?" She said "we will see." Then I woke up. Imagine 3000 eggs????? LORD!!

Crazy... I guess thats just me being stressed already. I told my mom how I had been feeling and of course I got a lecture of how I need to be positive blah blah blah. It felt good to just say how miserable and sad I am though. At least I know I have extra prayers coming my way, right?

The fertiles... Well my bestfriend just called me to tell me she is pg. Yup. They tried 3 weeks ago and they are now expecting. They have 2 other kids that are 8 and 5 so this is number 3. I can't believe it worked that fast!!!!!! She was just going on and on about it and finally she let me go and then she called me back and I didn't answer. I know she can't help it but come on, I just told her about my m/c about a month ago and I told her we had to do ivf too. I came out to her about everything!! Why couldn't she just be a little more sensitive? It stings bad right now...

I had a talk with my boss this morning. Sometimes we get to talking and even though I am not close to her, I can tell her almost anything about this whole ivf. Its weird, but I can open up MORE to people that I am not as close to... I guess because I don't have to see her everyday its easier plus she listens and she gives good advice.
I shared how scared I am. I feeling very negative (mentioned this before) and thoughts have started to rise. I wonder if I should do this FET now, I wonder if maybe I should wait a little longer. Dr. Dunn was perfectly fine with it so if he is and he is the expert, then I guess I am too. Aaron wants to move on and so do I but I don't know at times. I do remember feeling this way before my IVF cycle too so I guess its part of the package. I remember right before doing my first shot I started to think about not starting. So again, its the same I feel now.
I am not as scared to miscarry again. I mean, I am but I am hoping that Aaron's results come in normal and if so, then I don't think I will worry about it too much. Of course, if I end up PG I will be terrified before every appt especially around the time we lost our baby- 8 weeks. Okay! I take it back! Now that I think about it, I will be terrified if I get pg again!!!... But what I really am scared of is seeing a negative. I might take it really really hard because of the miscarriage. It will probably bring it back up.
The fears have me pinned down but I am trying to just get back in it. I started to exercise again and am trying to be more positive by telling myself it will work. I am trying to pray again. I haven't been because I am angry but I will start. I am also looking at my calander and have all my known appts and events on it. It helps me to count down the days until the next big thing. My transfer is less than a month away!!! I need to focus my thoughts on those 4 little embryos. My boss said that I should think about that when the negative thoughts come my way. She said that they want a warm and cozy home (my belly) and that at least one of them could make it. She said that I could carry one of them to term, deliver and then have that baby look up at his mother's big brown eyes. It made me want to cry. She said to think about it that way. It could happen! She said I will be such a good mother and not to give up. She said if it was her, she'd want to get pg right away again! She is right. I do and hopefully I will.
So as of now, I have decided to take her advice and to allow myself feel hopeful again. I have decided to not let that tragedy of losing my baby, keep me in that dark zone I have been in. Its too scary there and I could easily stay there for years.
Aaron has been so hopeful and so kind to me. We have had our share of misunderstandings during all of this but he is letting me just feel. I guess he finally got the point that nothing he says is going to fix my pain, but that he could just listen. That always helps.
Yesterday I got home and was VERY sad. I was crying on the way home just meditating on everything and I just wanted to be alone. He asked if there was anything he could do, I said no. He asked what was wrong... I got smart and answered "what the hell do you THINK is wrong???" (duh, aaron). I told him I was just tired of everything and to please just leave me alone. Fortunately he had plans so I asked him to leave a bit earlier (he did) and I was left alone to sulk and cry. I decided to go for a walk and watch some tv and felt so much better. By the time he got home, I had dinner half way done and was in a happy mood. I am SO sure he thinks I am crazy!! (lol) Oh well... my honey has his bad traits too.
In closing, today will be a start to a new beginning. It will be a new season for me and Aaron and hopefully soon there will be new life coming into OUR life.

Change of plans!

So I took an hpt on Friday night (hey, I was all alone and bored!!!) and it was negative, stark white too! So I was actually happy seening this as I can now start provera. I started the very next day. SO I am on my 3rd day! I am expecting AF sometime midweek next week.

I have been sad lately. I have thinking about our little angel alot. I just can't seem to move on. I do fake it in front of people and I am sure I look like I am doing pretty good and all but I know and now dh knows, that I am infact, not doing so hot. I think of how far along I would be and I cry. I don't know exactly what date and week but I know the range and I know that I would be hitting the exciting part which is feeling the baby move, dh feeling him/her, and of course the BIG u/s. I hate that I didn't get to experience that. It just pisses me off and at the same time my heart shatters each time I think about it. I miss the baby so much. I just wish I could rewind time. I wish I would have known the future that way I could have taken more time to love my baby and be happy instead of paranoid. I wish alot of things. It just sucks.

I have been crying again too and once the first tear rolls down, MANY follow. I just feel like I can't get over it. I felt this right after my m/c then I felt better and like I could move on. Now I am back to that place where I just want to crawl in my bed and hide. I can't see tomorrow, I don't know how I will get up from this. I did tell Aaron that I do know my limits though. I know that I could easily sink into depression over this. I could sink into bitterness and anger over this. Of course I am all of the above now but I like to think I have a moderate case and it's not severe just yet. I know that if I got into a dark place I probably wouldn't be able to get out...so I try to not let myself get there. I cry and scream but I tell myself "okay, I feel better".
I am pissed at God, I won't lie. I still say He is good but that doesn't stop me from being mad at Him. I know He didn't kill my baby or anything but I just don't understand the point of this. I don't understand what the point WAS. I don't understand why He couldn't just give this to me. I can't understand why, why, why... I am sure I never will but you can bet your ASS I will ask Him when I get there.
I am not praying anymore. Aaron and I pray together and we are praying for our procedure but as far as me praying on my own, it just doesn't happen. I just don't have any words. I do tell Him I am pissed at Him. I tell Him that one day I will be able to give Him praise but right now I can't. I tell Him that I do love Him. It sucks too!

I have been thinking of this FET and I am not as excited. I am more scared. I am terrified that it won't work. I am scared that I will be left with a negative and that that will make the m/c even worse!!!! I am scared that I will miscarry again. I am scared, scared, scared. I am just taking it one day at a time and my attitude isn't as naive as it was with the fresh cycle. I hope to be wonderfully surprised though. God, I wish I didn't have to do this again.

Aaron is good though. He has been sharing with me that he also gets sad from time to time. He says that he sees PG women and he thinks about how far along I would be. When he sees babies or toddlers he says he gets this tugging in his chest that hurts.
Its good to hear he is also going through this as its comforting but at the same time, it hurts to hear him hurting about this.
Aaron doesn't like to talk about adoption because he is just CERTAIN we will have children of our own and in his mind, if we talk about it, its like we don't believe. Well I agree but at the same time, I want to be realistic. I am young, he is younger so we still have time but still... many many women just go childless. Not many, but there are some out there. There are 2 in my family that went childless. So I asked him if we could adopt, of course he said no, blah blah, we will have our own children and we aren't giving up yet. So I said, I am not trying to adopt RIGHT NOW, but I just want to know that I WILL be mother in my lifetime. I don't care if the child(ren) is from my blood or body, that is so miniscule now. I just want to be a mom. I just want to know in MY mind that yes, I will be a mom someday. So he said "of course, if we never had children we would definately adopt". Do you know how better that made me feel?? So much better.

Its crazy. All this ttc crap is crazy. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't believe people actually make babies in their bedroom by having sex. That seems so foreign to me... Its just crazy.

I was supposed to start provera on Valentine's Day. I was trying to time it so that I would get af during the week and not during the weekend. Well the only condition was I had to take a pregnancy test (per nurse) before popping any of those little pills. SO I did that night and I got a light line. I called the nurse the next day and of course I can't take the af bringing pills just yet. I have to wait and test again (she said a week but I am going for 3 days). If its still ++ by a week, I have to go in and do b/w.
I didn't test after my miscarriage as many women do. They want to see hcg go down therefore they test until they get back to negative. I didn't because I didn't want to see a fake line on there. Well I still had to see it on V-day and it sucked!!!!

I am now going to be a week behind meaning transfer won't be until 3rd week of March. I know its not much of a difference but I just want to move on.

Oh well. I guess my body isn't quite ready yet the way my heart and mind are.

Happy Valentine's day to me!!!!! Aaron is such a romantic!!!!! My morning started off with a huge stuffed caterpillar on the couch to surprise me. Then in the car there was a beautiful basket with some yummies in it. I got chocolates, a heart diamond bracelet, a card and a cd. The cd was the best gift though!! It had Aaron singing a song that he wrote just for me. It was so beautiful that I cried all the way to work. It was about what the future holds in store for us. It was very very pretty. Once I got to work I got a rose and tulip flower arrangement delivered.
Tonight we are going to dinner. We are going to Carrabba's Italian. Dh wanted to do something different since we usually do Perrys Grill (steakhouse). Hopefully its good, which I heard it is.

So last night my 2 sisters and I headed to dinner. My middle sister got married in January and is moving to El Paso where her dh is stationed. It was nice because it was just us but it was sad towards the end. We cried and hugged. I can't believe she is leaving. Its so weird. I know we will see her again but its just different now. I am going to miss her alot. :(

I will start provera tonight or tomorrow. I am supposed to do an HPT first *insert rolling eyes emoticon here*. I will do one just for the laugh I suppose. I am sure my hcg is down to zero. I hope so.
I picked up my meds during lunch. I can't believe we are about to start again. It went by so fast.

I haven't updated in a while. I tried to once last week but it took too long so I was impatient and closed out.

The results for the testing done after my D&C came back 2 weeks ago. I am disappointed with them but what can I do. The nurse said that the tissue they tested was 100% maternal tissue meaning it was all mine. Why? I don't know. I asked if that meant that they got the wrong tissue out and was the baby still in me and she said no. What most likely happened (our RE had already assumed this as the lab was taking a bit long) was that by the time they got to the testing the baby's tissue was all dead. They weren't able to retrieve ANY live cells from him which is how they test it in the lab. The take the live cells and grow them and then they test them for different chromosome abnormalities. Well our baby didn't have any live cells to grow. I am mad that I will never know what or what did NOT go wrong. She did say that they went ahead and tested me and my chromosomes as that is very important in miscarriages. She said I was 100% perfect. Everything was in place where it should be. So in other words, I didn't pass on any chromosome problems the baby. Dh and I thought it would be better to test him also. I really really hope to get the results BEFORE our FET that way we know what we are looking at. I know I have only had one miscarriage but for me and alot more women, that is ENOUGH. I don't see why docs don't test you for all this once you have one. I guess because miscarriages are so common plus these tests are very $$, its better to just assume it was a fluke and it probably won't happen again. Well I personally can't rely on "probably". I, in no way, want to go through another loss. So I got on the ball.
If Aaron comes out with something (which I doubt, but you just never know) then we *might* hold out on the FET. I would want to see my RE to see what we can do. I imagine it would be IVF with PGD. With PGD, they test the embryos for a certain number of chromosome abnormalities. Some embryos look good and are growing so those might be the ones they choose to put back in the woman. But little do they know, they might be abnormal. With this PGD procedure you can avoid that. I sorta wish we would had done this in my first cycle, just in case...

So for now, I am going along with the FET. I will get the results of Aaron's tests in about 2 weeks which is when I will probably get AF. I am timing it perfectly with Provera just in case we back out and decide to go on to another fresh cycle.
So the plan is (for now at least) to take provera on Thursday. I expect to take the 10 pills and then get my period 3 days after my last pill. On day 3 I will start the Estrace tablets and then further along start the progesterone injections.

I am going to drop off my Rx today and pick up the provera.

The days are going by FAST for me. I can't believe we are already half way down February almost. I expect my transfer to be in the 2nd week of March *insert bug eyed emoticon here*. Its just around the corner! EEK!

I was supposed to be eating better and working out. Have I? Not a chance. I am back into my jeans which were tight when I was PG so that is good. I might start tonight though...

I am getting more and more excited about our FET cycle but also afraid. I was just like this when I was getting close to our IVF cycle. I guess it just comes with the territory. I am afraid that it won't work. I am afraid that the embies won't make it through thaw. I am afraid that I will miscarry again.. The fears don't stop!!!!
Now here are the things I am hopeful for. They are the opposite of what I fear. My mind goes back and forth. I am hopeful that I all my embies will make it or at least 3!! (RE assumes this also) I am hopeful that ONE HAS to implant out of 3 or 4!! It just has to!! I am hopeful that I will have more than one although for the babies health, will only be excited about this option if all babies are healthy and no complications. I am hopeful that my miscarriage was just a fluke and that it was ordained that way and that this next PG I will carry to term.
I thought my transfer would take place at the end of March but its most likely to be in the middle of March. By the end of March, I should be finding out if it worked!!! (which I think it will- positive thoughts!)
I do really have a feeling it will work like I did with my IVF. I hope I am right.
Aaron and I are praying hard for this. We started early this time (too much prayer never hurts) and we are believing that this FET will finally bring our baby (or babies) into our arms.
This month I need to concentrate on eating good and just getting healthier. I have my maternity clothes ready (yes I had already bought some, bought some way before IVF too) ready to go. I just want to be PG so bad. I hate that I have to start all over but what can I do. I will have to go through the torture of waiting on beta results, waiting on 1st u/s, waiting on 2nd u/s , graduating, etc... but at the same time I will get to experience taking that pee stick and seeing a light line, then getting darker and darker. I get to experience that "pregnancy" on the digi again. I get to dream about my baby (babies) and how they are growing inside of me. That makes it bittersweet and worth it. I hope this really, really works!

I am counting down the days!!! UGH... Monday is my appt. I really hope to get the answers to the testing we had done on our baby. That would be awesome if we could get them that day although they told us it would be 3 weeks. We will see...
I also can't wait to hear what is next. I am sure its our FET. I am just wondering how long I have to wait. Hopefully not too too long.
I decided to call my insurance company today just to hear it for myself that we no longer have IVF coverage since our insurance carrier changed. We now have a max of $10K (not sure if I have shared this yet) which MY clinic said that only IUI was included under the $10K.. no IVF. Although, they would give us a discount because we DO have insurance... it would be around $7,000.. still who has all that money laying around for something that isn't guaranteed. Of course, if that's what we have to do, then we will... But first things are first.
Anyway, I called 2 times just to make sure they were correct! Both representatives said that YES, IVF is included in our IF coverage!!!! So I suppose if IVF IS covered then FET is too. If not, well $3000 is MUCH better than $7,000! So I called the Serano lines which will call your insurance company for YOU to verify IF coverage. I will hear from them tomorrow. I am just wondering if the insurance company had a clue of what they were talking about... IVF and stuff isn't really popular and not many people know about it. I SO HOPE THAT THEY ARE RIGHT THOUGH. With the $10K limit, I have 1 more fresh cycle to try and a little bit towards another cycle. That would give me peace going into the FET cycle since the FET isn't as high as the IVF. If IVF isn't included, I have thought up a plan. I will do the FET no matter what. That will be first. Hopefully, I end up PG and carry to term. If not, I will probably do a couple of IUI's (inuterine inseminations) with injectibles. I don't want to do too many as I don't want to use up our $10K. Then during reenrollment time, I will switch over to the other insurance company that Aaron's company offers. We have Blue Cross but they also had Aetna. I chose Blue Cross just because.. I called Aetna today and they DO cover IVF but its still a $10K limit AND both insurance companies are combined. In other words, the $10K is for BOTH insurance companies. I can't go use up $10K with this one then use up $10 with the other. Once the $10K is gone, it's gone. So I want to save it up to switch over if I have to. That won't be until November though.. *sigh* Hopefully, I don't have to go that far. My parents would help us with a fresh IVF also but I don't want to do that. They are helping us enough in our FET (paying for it) and I would hate to make them spend another $7-10K on an IVF. I don't know.. I will cross that bridge once we get there.
For now, I am praying that its true and that our insurance covers the IVF. That way, I might still have my parents help us out on our FET and if BFN, we will do a fresh IVF with our insurance asap!!!!
Okay, I am rambling!!!! I have been thinking about this and it helps when I write about it.

The bleeding has stopped and I think it's brought closure. Today was actually a good day. I talked at work, I ate something good, I came home in a good mood, etc. Of course, yesterday I had a HUGE cry here all by myself while everyone else was at work but I felt so good afterwards. I am feeling hopeful again and I even told myself that I was going to have a baby soon. I went to Target and walked through the baby aisle and bought 2 cute onsies. I know, but I couldn't resist. The thought of "I actually got PG" came to my mind and it made me smile. I actually can say that I had a baby in there which is something that I thought was impossible.
I have my follow up appt with Dr. Dunn on Monday (a week from today) and I am excited. I want to see what the plan is. I want to get some dates down so I can start counting down the weeks/days whatever. I did that during IVF and it kept me looking forward to the next time I would see the doc or start a new med.
I really hope that I don't have to wait too long but I don't want to rush into it either. I want to do this right and give my body the best chance of PG again so whatever it takes to heal. As long as I get my schedule.. I will be okay.
I miss my little baby so much. I do. It still breaks my heart but I know that he is in Heaven. I am also waiting to hear about the results of the testing they were going to do to see what went wrong. I honestly feel that that would give me closure and give me the courage to accept the miscarriage so much better. I just hate wondering "what if I did this" or "I should have done this". If something was wrong with our baby, then I can have peace of mind that it was out of our control and it was best. KWIM?
Anyway, I will update more later.

I now feel that I can write about this. It might be theuraputical for me.
On the 8th we went in to graduate from Dr. Dunn's office to my new ob/gyn. Aaron and I were so excited. I finally believed I was pregnant and finally believed that there was a baby in there. How could you deny it with the heart beating so beautifully 4 days before? I ran to Walmart right before our appt to buy a voice recorder. I planned to get a cheap one but why buy a cheap on for something as important as this. I wanted to record the baby's heart for my parents. I knew it would make them so happy. So off I go and I get home ready to pick up Aaron. I needed to shower so I did very very quickly. Aaron wasn't ready (which I argued with him about) but finally we were in the car.
As we drove there we made up and decided to just get over it. We were then SO excited!!!! I decided to test out the recorder and left a little message saying we were on the way and how happy that I was. Aaron left one too but his was funny. He did it like a spy and said the time and the highway we were on. He also said how happy he was.
We got to the REs and I swear I was so calm and so happy. Aaron too! Usually, I am so nervous and so distraught before appts because I am just paranoid but after seeing the heartbeat, I believed everything was fine.
We were there in the waiting room kissing and cuddling and just looking like we were about to be announced for an award show or something.
So they call us back and I get my little sheet on. Aaron is of course making jokes as usual. I turn on the recorder right before the u/s tech comes in. I hide it under my shirt and lay there ready to see and hear the baby.
Aaron gets up and walks to the screen. She always takes pics of my ovaries and THEN gets to the baby. I am smiling and giggling looking at Aaron. He never looked at me which was usual because he would get so excited seeing the baby that he forgot I even existed! But this time it was different. He didn't smile, he didn't blink. I saw him look at the tech's face about 3 times. I had my recorder on still and was just waiting and waiting for the heartbeat. I felt her pull out and she told me to get dressed and to wait for the doctor. She sounded and looked weird. I looked at Aaron and he was pale and his eyes were red. I told him he was freaking me out. I asked him what did he see and he said nothing. He said he didn't see the heart anymore. I didn't let him get me down but finally the fear crept in. I told him that what probably happened was that last time I spotted and they were specifically looking for the baby and the heart. This time I was fine so maybe he just missed it. He said "yeah, everything is fine". We waited for 45 minutes!! We usually wait for 10 minutes. That wait was the longest and I literally felt faint and like I was dreaming. Aaron kept kissing me and telling me that everything was okay. The couple that was in the waiting room kept looking at us so I tried to hide my tears by looking down. FINALLY the doc called us back and from that moment I knew something was wrong. His tone and facial expressions were different. We got to his office and the first thing he said was that he had bad news... the pregnancy wasn't viable. After that I don't remember much just pieces. I literally felt like I was in a dream and that at any moment I would wake up. I kept saying Oh God and Aaron was just holding me. I did manage to ask questions but I don't remember what.

I have cried and cried. I have asked why. I have felt angry. I don't understand the purpose of this. I would have rather had a bfn then this. I would have even rather miscarried early than at 8/9 weeks. Sometimes I would rather have not heard the little heartbeating just 4 days before this.

On Thursday we had a pre op appt and we requested another u/s. Aaron and I really believed that things could turn around. Our faith really was great that day. Unfortunately, things were the same. They gave me a pill to take that night to soften my cervix and make it easier for my d & c the following morning. After about 2 hours of taking the pill I started to cramp. I had no bleeding or cramping prior to this. By midnight i had very very strong cramps. I believe that they were uterine contractions as I read that this pill caused them. I would get them every 5- 10 minutes and they were excrutiating. They would run all down my legs. By 2 am I was so tired and sleepy but they kept me up. I would finally fall asleep but then would wake up to pain. I couldn't drink nothing after midnight and I had diarhhea so I got dehydrated. I was in the bathroom when I started to see blood. I cried but managed to go back to bed. Aaron was with me the whole time. I got again later on by myself and I was on the toilet when I started to feel faint and dizzy. I cried out to Aaron but I didn't have strength to scream. I passed out while sitting but just for a few seconds. I finally got Aaron up and he came to help me. I kept passing out on him and then I woke up on the floor with him holding me up. It was horrible. Aaron kept telling me to drink something and I know that I should had but there was no way I wanted them to cancel me in the morning after everything I had just been through and there was no way I wanted to miscarry naturally. I was in pain. So I actually got some sleep for about an hour. I did wake up from the cramps still but I managed to sleep.
In the moring I was still hurting but relieved. As I was in the room by myself waiting I was crying. I knew that was it. I didn't talk much but I do remember everybody being nice. I remember wheeling off to the OR and I was still crying.
I woke up crying and Aaron says that I was rubbing my belly and saying "my baby" over and over. The nurse asked me if it hurt in my belly and I mumbled "no". I remember she said "Oh, it hurts in here (pointed at her heart), I know sweety".
I eventually woke up enough to go home. I had had nothing but great support since then. My mom has called me several times a day and has come over when I have been alone. Aaron has been taking care of me and all around us, people have been praying for us. My dad is heartbroken and took it pretty hard. He knows I am hurting so bad and he hates to see me sad. Also, he was so excited to be a grandfather.

Of course now everything feels like its getting worse. I found out that our new insurance (Aaron's company merged) does NOT cover IVF. It does cover IUI and testing/ diagnosing up to $10,000 but no IVF. I learned this right after hearing that I had lost the baby. It made the pain even worse.

THe good thing is that I have coverage. I can do IUI with injectibles alot as I have the $10,000 max. But the best thing is that my parents have offered to help us out with our frozen embryos and possibly a fresh IVF cycle if needed.
When I was in my ivf cycle I didn't want any left over embryos as I had a hard time dealing (morally) thinking about how they were in the clinic just waiting. Since I though I would carry to term I didn't think I would get to them for years. I even told Aaron I didn't want any left and if there were some, I hoped I only got a couple. THANK GOD that we have 4 babies on ice. I am so happy that God didn't answer that prayer. THe transfer is much cheaper than a fresh IVF cycle. I don't take nearly as much meds and its easier on the body. It runs about $3000 and my parents are ready for me to get started ASAP. Aaron and I also feel the need to move on asap. I think that is the only thing that is keeping me going- having a plan for the future. They told me I have to wait and get at least a period. I plan to get my FET at the end of Feb/ March. I have a follow up appt on the 29th with my doc and hopefully he is on board with our decision. I also want to convince him to transfer all the embryo's. I don't want to pay for 2 FETs as that will be almost the price of one fresh IVF. (we get a discounted rate at my REs since we have insurance but no IVF.. it will be around $7000, probably more since we need ICSI and AH)
Not all embryos survive the thawing process but if they all do or if 3 do, I want them all in me. The clinic's limit is usually 2 because of my age. I am going to try to push him though. Hopefully my reasons are good enough to make me an exception.
I am back at work today and I did have a cry this morning. I wish I was at home on the couch.
I forgot to mention, they are doing testing on the baby to see if it was chromosome problems or genetics or whatever. I am hoping (weird that I am hoping that something was wrong with my baby) that it was chromosomes as I heard its just a chance you take everytime you make a baby and it doesn't mean it will happen again. I think I would get peace of mind knowing that something was wrong and that baby couldn't make it. I have been letting my mind run wild thinking what if it was something I did wrong or something that I did do. Aaron and I argued on Saturday night and I cried. I was very emotional but then again, I was very emotional during my pregnancy. I didn't cry alot but when I did, oh boy!!! I would get angry 10 times faster then normal and get my feelings hurt 20 times sooner. I keep wondering if I stressed out the baby or if I ate something bad. I think Aaron wonders too so if something was physically wrong with baby, I think we would both feel a little better knowing that God knew what we didn't and that our baby is in a better place.
Like I said, I am still hurting. My insides feel hot and I cry hysterically one moment and then I am smiling again the next. Its all a big ball of emotions. It still feels like a bad dream but by now I know I would have woken up so its real. The hard part is remembering where I was each week. I asked God to help me forget the weeks I was that way I don't ponder on what the baby should have been doing that week etc. So far, I still remember.
Through all of this, I am angry. I feel a little resentment towards God, I won't lie. I feel like I finally had my dream come true then it was taken away. I feel it was cruel. The rug was pulled from under me and I fell flat on my face. But... I won't let my heart get cold or hard. I still trust in God. I need Him to help me make it through this. I have to believe that He does know better. I have to believe that He does care that I am hurt. I have to believe that He is in control and that one day He will bless me a hundred fold. I have to believe that all my tears will turn into laughter again.
There is a song that Aaron played for me. Its an old Rich Mullins song but there is a new version of it. It says "hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf, You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace". I hear it and I cry. God has been there, I won't deny it. I don't understand. I don't see outside the box but He does. Amazingly, I can say God is still good. I had told God before my IVF cycle that I wouldn't be able to handle losing a baby. I asked if He could please give me a BFN rather than a miscarriage. I got the BFP and I felt calm because I thought God had given me my wish. I specifically told Him I would die of pain.
When I remembered praying this, my heart broke. I told Him I had warned Him. But I remembered when saying that I would die. I did feel like I could die, I still feel like I could of the pain, I even get crazy thoughts of running in front of a car. But I am still here! I haven't died and I won't. I thought the pain would kill me but it hasn't. I guess I am stronger than I thought and God knew it. God wouldn't give us more than we could handle right?
Another good thing is that Aaron and I have united through our pain. I have seen the good-expect-nothing-in-return in him these last 2 weeks. He has seen the sensitive little girl in me. We have come together so strong and we are moving forward. He has been my side and has held me late in the night and early in the morning which are the worse times for me. He has kissed me and made me laugh again. He tells me that we are going to make it and that we will have our children soon. I have held him and kissed him. I patted him and hugged him tightly when he broke down. For him, it was more of a leader thing. He felt guilty because he said he didn't take his father role too serious. He felt he should have prayed more and been more of a spiritual leader. I understand the guilt but trust me, he did everything and more. In the beginning of all this I was afraid that this would break me and him and that we wouldn't be able to come out of it but instead its the opposite. We are stronger than ever!! I told our baby the other day that in the short time that he was here, he brought joy and peace to our home and to his mommy and daddy. He brought new love to us and such an innocent excitement. Aaron became so attached to his baby and I knew his heart was never going to be the same. All this from a little baby that was only 2 months old in my womb.
Hearing his heartbeat was such a beautiful sound but its also been haunting. I hear it in my mind and it hurts that it was so real. I wonder if in all this that spotting episode was a gift from God. Afterall, if I wouldn't have come in that Wednesday, I wouldn't have heard the heartbeat. Then on Monday I would have been told that the baby was dead. I guess I got a little sneak peek and although it hurts to remember I will never forget. He was real inside of me and was alive. I thank God for that spotting and that emergency u/s.

We have a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 140 bpm! The spotting was probably from our wild sex the night before but I guess we will never know... The baby is measuring perfectly. He/she is sooo much bigger than the previous picture. Its truly amazing. I had the probe in me and for a couple of seconds we heard the heartbeat loud and clear. Of course, being that I have never experienced PG, I thought for sure that is MY heartbeat... it's way too early to hear it. Right? WRONG. It was the baby's heartbeat and it was soo loud and precious! Aaron had a HUGE smile on his face. I had told him to give me some kind of sign like a thumbs up or something as soon as he saw the chico but the more I looked at him the more worried I became. His face looked like he had seen a ghost. Later on, I find out that at first he didn't see anything. He said that the screen looked blank and that he got really scared. The tech was taking scans of everything though (ovaries..I guess checking for cysts?) so that could explain why he didn't see much but then he said that she zoomed in and then he saw the baby. Then she zoomed in more and more and he said he saw the heartbeating. He said the screen said "babys heartbeat". Thats when we heard it!!! I am soo happy and so relieved. I am just in awe right now. I can't believe there is a little heart beating in my belly.

Well my fears are now here in my face. I spotted last night and I am terrified. I keep reassuring myself with the explanation of it being my cervix. The night before, Aaron and I had sex and it was a little rough, I guess you can say. Nothing that hurt but a little rough. The nurse on call said that it could definately be that and probably is. She said women sometimes will spot right after intercourse a light pinkish color or a day or 2 or 3 and it will be darker. She said its just that the cervix is so sensitive that even touching it with a q-tip will make it bleed. She said the good thing was that it was dark. I explained the color to be a dark brown- dark maroon color. It looked sort of like a dark mauve. She said that meant old blood so whatever it was that happened had already happened. If it was red, then that would be different. Honestly, the spotting did alarm me but since it was old I wasn't too too freaked out until I wiped again and found a clot!! It was a dark dark brown color and thats when I almost passed out. The nurse reassured me about this too saying that sometimes you will see what looks like tissue but again its old.
I hope she is right! I blame the sex for now and I called my REs office and they want me to come in asap! I had an u/s on Monday but they want me in today at 1pm. THat scared me.. I thought that they would just tell me it was normal.
I am so scared and to top it all off Aaron might not be able to go. His company is merging with another as we speak so there are alot of things going on right now (meetings, changes) and he has no time. UGH. This is horrible.

My appt is now days away instead of weeks away. I feel much better. I guess I go through these worry spurts then the next day I feel okay. I am still nervous but I am not going crazy looking for an outside u/s company. I just decided to wait, be patient and let the 8th come. I can't do anything about what is to happen.
I just trust in God that everything is okay.
I have been feeling a little quesy at times. It doesn't last too long but I have noticed it. I have gagged at smells. I can smell something so strong and distinct. It literally makes me gag!! My boobs look a little different too. They seem a bit bigger but not where I am "WHOA!", kwim? I can just see a slight difference.
The symptoms make me feel a little better, I admit. I totally expected my PG to be different though.. actually I couldn't even imagine myself PG for the longest time but if *did* I imagined me being sick, puking and just blah. I imagined my boobs getting gigantic and just feeling PG.
So far PG has been good to me from what I hear.
I am 7 weeks 4 days today. I am getting up there. I am almost 2 months!! Its exciting and scary though. I just can't wait to see the "chico" again!!! (Aaron and I's nickname for the little one) I am so excited!!! I wish it was tomorrow!!!!! I can't wait to compare the scan from over 2 weeks ago to this one. There should be a BIG difference.

I haven't written in a while and I have so much on my mind.

AGAIN, I am freaked out! I just keep wondering if my babys' heart is beating in there or not. (it should be since I am 7 weeks now) I just keep thinking about it and with the holidays it wasn't so bad but now that Christmas is over, I am left with nothing to do and I end up thinking. I am trying to find an outside company that will do u/s on the side just to see the baby. I even thought of going in to the emergancy room!!!! Thats how desperate I am... My u/s isn't until the 8th and I just can't see myself waiting so long. I just pray and pray that the baby is doing perfectly fine in there.
My symptoms are still here but now I have come up with another thought. I think all of my symptoms are from the PIO I am taking. I wonder if I stop the PIO (which I can't as my progesterone is too low) would my symptoms go away? Its just crazy. I just wish I was out of the 1st trimester...
I don't feel as hungry anymore, I don't feel as tired anymore and have actually stayed up alot this week. I know I am sooo paranoid and I should stop but I can't help it!!!


On another note, Christmas was good. Really good. I got some awesome gifts and spent alot of time with family. It was great!!! I was off for 5 days in a row so that was the BEST part!!! hehe The days went by pretty fast though. I am off again this Monday so hopefully time will go by fast this week!!!

So I can breathe again!!!!!! There is only 1 in there and he/she is measuring right on!!! I am 5w6d and my scan said he/she measures 5w5d so our RE said it was perfect! We saw the fetal pole and yolk sac. We didn't get to see a heartbeat yet and I knew that we probably wouldn't but by next u/s we should!!! Dr. Dunn was very happy for us and told me to relax and to keep doing a good job.

I cried the whole way over there. All day I had such a nervousness in me that by the time I was home I was just a ball of emotions. I cried the whole 45 minutes there... Then I cried while the tech did the u/s. I was just so afraid that the screen was empty and that she wouldn't be able to find the little one. I layed there with hot tears running down my face looking away from Aaron as I didn't want to see what faces he was making. I worried because she took alot of pics and I thought for sure she was looking and looking but couldn't find anything.
She isn't allowed to talk to us about the results which made it HARDER so once we went to the waiting area to wait for Dr. Dunn I started to CRY again. I was just leaning on Aaron's shoulder when Dr. D came. He saw that I was crying and asked if I was nervous... I just laughed and said yes. Then as we were walking in to his office he said it was GOOD. HOOORAY, I felt in my soul!!! He explained everything to us and asked our questions. It was just heaven to hear it!!!

I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! I go back on the 8th because they are closed for the holidays. I should hear a heartbeat by then.

I have 20 minutes until I get off... I will go home and rest for a little, get dressed and head off to the RE with Aaron. My God, I am so nervous. I just have a funky feeling and I am stressing big time. I feel like crying, I feel like hiding away and I am already thinking what I am going to do if I get bad news? What will I do for Christmas?

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so worried? Is it a sign? Is it my instincts telling me the baby is not there anymore? Why can't this be easy? I read about other moms and they are already planning whether or not they are finding out the sex!!! I am still thinking of getting to 6 weeks (tomorrow) then 7, 8, 9, etc...

I am set that I trust God though. I know that even though my mind is going crazy right now, I trust in the Lord. I have from the beginning. I know He will come through for me... I don't know what that means, but I know He will.

OH GOD!!

I will post once I get back. We are supposed to go out and celebrate so I should be home later on...

We are now 5 1/2 hours away!! My appt is not until 2 pm and I wish I was at home sleeping so the time wouldn't go by so slow. My stomach is in knotts and my mind is racing. I know that I have been positive but I am just scared. I am scared that the baby died or that there is no baby in there. I am so scared. I have been praying and hoping and just want good news. I have no reason to believe that I have lost the baby but then again I wouldn't have one. THats what keeps going through my mind! I am on progesterone so that would keep AF away. My boobs hurt, yes, but that is the progesterone. My temps are high, yes, but again progesterone. I just have an excuse for everything! I am hungrier but that could just be me.

This is just so nervewracking. I don't even feel like going in to the u/s!! I just want good news...

24 hours to go... It's 2:05 pm right now. I just got butterflies in my stomach and my heart is beating harder. I can't help but to wonder what is going to happen tomorrow. I know its a vaginal u/s and that I have to go with my bladder empty but I just wonder what happens. The tech will be doing the u/s which means that she can't talk about the results with me. How is that possible? How will I know if I have a heartbeat or not or where the sac is or the fetal pole? My nurse said that we would see Dr. Dunn right afterwards but still. I would like to have everything on the screen explained to us. I am sure it will go good though but I am still worried. Will this worrying ever stop? I don't think so. I am now a mother. :) I guess it helps me understand my mom more.
My mom was so sweet today too. She was telling me all about what she has been reading on PG and what I should do. She was asking me how I feel and asking me about m/s and my boobs! LOL I guess everyone is surprised when I say that I feel good. I don't feel nauseaus yet and everyone seems to expect that.