4dp6dt today! 10 dpo...

I am feeling down. I tested last night and got a bfn on 2 different tests. Now I know its still way early but since I tested positive last time in the same time frame, it has me feeling negative. I am trying to explain to myself how I read that frozen babies take a little while longer to show up on hpt's and how the babies had only been in my 3 days yesterday verses 4 days during my ivf cycle. So THAT could had made a difference.
I did have me some crying spells and this morning I woke up crying. Right now I am crying. I spoke to my mom and she was asking me how I felt. She just "knows" that I am PG. I know she is speaking in faith and I do believe but reality then sets in and tells me that I could NOT be PG. I mean its either I am or not. She was really encouraging me and I broke down over the phone. I opened up to her about my sister and how I feel it's going to be hard on me if I don't end up PG. She understood but really encouraged me and told me that she feels we will both be PG with our big bellies and everything will be fine. That would be beautiful to me to share this with my sister and all but will be the total opposite if I am the bitter infertile while she is the fertile mertile. KWIM? She told me not to think that way and to keep positive. I swear, I am trying!!!
I don't want to test tonight (for real, I don't) because I don't want to see another bfn. They are so ugly. Aaron says for me to test tomorrow which I will. I have one more test left and am saving it for tomorrow while I am at home all by myself. Testing early and getting bfns are screwing up my days so I minus well wait and let some time pass. Tomorrow will be 11 dpo and that is still early but I really hope that I can get at least a light positive.

Just wanted to check in... Now the days are going S L O W!!!! I wish they would hurry up! Today I am 3dp6dt or 9 dpo. This is when I got my bfp last time. I am thinking of testing tonight since I tested yesterday (WAY TOOO SOON!) and am curious to see if it will be the same as last time. Probably not since I heard FET's take a little longer for hcg to show up. We will see... I will post about it if I do. Oh and yes, yesterday's test was totally bfn.. But I knew it would be so it didn't hurt too much.
I wanted to come in a write what I have been physically feeling because I tried to look back in my 1ww after ivf#1 and I didn't journal my symptoms. They would help LOTS right now to compare notes... Oh well. I thought I would THIS cycle just for the heck of it.

So far, I have had cramping! Lots of it. I think that I had some before transfer though but they get pretty intense now. Today they seemed a little more calm but the last 2 days I would get some pretty bad ones. I also had some weird sensations in the belly and I had the stretching pain once. I got up real quick from my chair and I felt like a ligament pulling in my belly. I do remember this last time ( :) ) . I have been feeling dizzy but that could be from my meds. My boobs do not hurt but I am really not worried that as last time the boobs hurt WAY before we even fertilized so I knew it was from the stims before retrieval. So when I found out I was PG, I never counted the boobs to be part of the symptoms.
I am not too tired but I do feel drained sometimes. I have been feeling nauseated at times but nothing not too extreme and pretty much could be in my head.
I am not looking to much into these "symptoms" as it's too early. I just thought it would be fun to journal them just in case I am PG.

The thing with my sister is doing okay. I had my crying spells yesterday and last night I cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling better though. There isn't much I can do about it. It does bug me that she is calling ME to tell me her symptoms and how she feels. I know I am her sister and I WANT to be there for her but its hard right now. I am in a VERY stressful 1ww PLUS I just lost a baby NOT that long ago so most of the time I pull the phone away from my ear that way I don't say anything rude. I have thought about telling her NOT to call me to tell my her symptoms and all that crap but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is calling ME becauase she obviously feels comfortable talking to me about it so that makes me feel guilty. Oh well.
I found out her due date is 11-22. Mine would be 12-3. How funny! NOT!

Life is so funny sometimes. It's cruel and doesn't care whether or not certain events will kill you or knock you down. It doesn't care. It just happens. Days just go by and we are just watching the show of our lives. Sometimes we live the show but sometimes I think we just watch the show... maybe so that we don't get hurt.

My little sister who just got married in January (YES, of this year!) just called to announce she is PG. I am in shock and am actually a bit disgusted. I would never tell her this of course but that's how I feel. She is 24 and he is 29. He has had 2 kids from 2 different women and in the little time that they have been married, they have split up, fought, he kicked her out of the apt, etc. Just a mess so far!! She calls me all the time about how unhappy she is and how she thinks they had made a mistake. I try to give her advice and encourage her.
I always did warn her about getting PG. She has always been irregular but still.. you just never know. I told her to be careful. They weren't even sure if they were going to be together and here they are with a bun in oven. Of course she had no clue she was even PG and found out at the docs office after a UTI.
I am in shock and don't even know what to say. I try to play it cool but I of course I am HEATED. Life is just so unfair. It's just cruel. It doesn't care who it hurts.
My sister is the last person I imagine as a mom. I am sure that will change though once she has her baby but it's just so weird to imagine her in that way.
Oh God, I just can't believe this. I wanted to give my parents the first grandchild and have been working damn hard to do so. All she had to do was have sex. This is just great.

I stayed up last night just laying there wide eyed in the dark. I am very positive after our transfer and seeing our babies but it still can very much be negative, kwim?? It scares me but I don't stay there... I keep thinking that I AM pregnant and can't wait to see those 2 lines. I sure hope I am right. The only thing is that during my fresh ivf cycle, I had the sore boobs way before egg RETRIEVAL.. I imagine it was all the hormones in my body, so I never took it as a sign of PG because it had always been there way before the embies were even transferred. My prog was a little low too (compared to other PG women) coming in at 24 and 25 when I was PG so not too sure what that was about. I guess if my boobs start to hurt that is a good sign. I was reading that once the blasts have hatched from its shells they are ready to implant and WILL within 24 hours!!! That means mine should had already implanted! Yikes!!! Thats crazy.

Its kind of weird starting at 6 dpo from the get go... That means the babies implant and then they start to make hcg a couple of days after implantation (am I right?) and then the symptoms begin...
Last PG I had no symptoms besides being sleepy so its going to be hard to detect... Hopefully I get full blast m/s and full blast sore boobs in a couple of days.. hehe

I slept good when I finally went to sleep. He rubbed my tummy and prayed for our little babies last night too. He has been kissing my belly and cleaning for me. He tells me to sit down since I am on couch rest... hehe Too cute!!!

My beta isn't until a week from Friday. I will definately be testing before that.. probably this weekend. WOW! I can't wait.

WOW!!! Where can I begin?? It was as good as it could get! We got there and apparently MY nurse had messed up the times.. I wasn't supposed to be there until 1:30 but my paperwork clearly read 12pm. I was ticked but once we got back there it was all good.
I got in my sexy nighty (hehe... gown) and my hat and my slippers.. Aaron put on his gown and hat too. I told him hopefully next time I see him in a gown will be when we are in labor. :)
So the nurse comes in to answer questions, etc. I am ready to go!! Dr. Dunn gets there and he comes in and says we have 2 (immediately my heart sank because I thought only 2 out of our 4 made it). CHANGE OF PLAN! They thawed one straw first to see how they would do (we had 2 straws with 2 embryos in each). Our first straw with the 2 babies did PERFECTLY. They were growing just how they should and one had even hatched from its shell ready to implant somewhere... The 2nd one was just a bit behind but catching up. We got our pic and they looked beautiful. You can see the one's shell and the other starting to hatch... Well between taking the picture and the actual transfer the 2nd one had hatched from its shell too!!! Little sneaky baby! So they were ready to be inside of mama ASAP! The doc and nurse were so happy for us and said we couldn't have asked for anything better in a transfer. He said at my age, the 2 perfect blasts was good. If they would have seen them low quality or slow at growing they would had put all 4, so that makes me feel really good.
I am sooooooooooo happy! I can't believe out of 2 frozen BOTH made it through thaw! Alot of times only one makes it so we are thrilled. Now onto the horrible 2ww but for some reason I am more excited then nervous now....

Just wanted to check in again before tomorrow. Its now less than 24 hours away and I am just so excited. My weekend ended up being busier than I thought so I can't believe that it's over that fast.
I feel good and optimistic. I feel like everything is going to be okay with my embies and that they will thaw perfectly. I get scared of thinking that this could be it because I don't want to be wrong but I have to just believe. I pray that I am NOT wrong but that this is it for me and Aaron. That we will finally have children of our own and that this was the purpose of that awesome insurance we got last year (even though we don't have it anymore, it still was able to give us these 4 embies!!). That it was all predestined. God is with me and I just ask Him to help me get through this no matter the outcome.
Aaron is excited. He said he was thinking about it alot this weekend. We are just hoping it works, you know? We don't want the disappointment of a BFN and of course we don't ever want to lose a baby again so thats where we are at. We are holding on together and just hoping for the best out of this FET.

I will update when I can!!!

Happy Friday!! I can't believe this week is gone! I have been keeping really busy here at work. I had tons of filing to do and tons of shredding. I caught up and finally I am done. My work area looks nice and clean. I can hardly recognize it! Being out 2 days next week will be much more easier and stress free without work waiting on me.

So now I am only about 2 days away from the transfer. I am nervous but still not too much. I guess once the weekend starts ending it will seem more real. I prayed very specifically today about the whole process and it made me feel better and more relaxed.

I am trying to decide what to do when I am at home on Monday and Tuesday. Hmm, maybe rent some movies?? We don't have a tv in our room so I will actually be layed out on the couch the whole time. I just seem to not be able to lay there too long as I get bored but I will try my hardest to be lazy! ;)

Aaron has been very sweet. He has been giving me massages since I told him I was really stressed and tense. He also surprised me with some flowers yesterday! He brought them himself to my office and they are soooooooooooo pretty. They are 6 pink Tulips!! They are beautiful to look at and I will take a pic later for the scrapbook (which I need to start on!). He said they were just to cheer me up. How sweet! I had them here at the office but I am taking them home with me so I can look at them all weekend.

Aaron and I were talking last night. We just talked about our concerns, our hopes, etc. It sounds like we are on the same page which always helps, right? Aaron is really optimistic and full of faith AGAIN and that helps me tremendously. I am feeling pretty positive too.

Soooo I decided to test before beta (WHO CAN WAIT UNTIL BETA???) and I am thinking of testing next weekend, probably Friday night just in case, God forbid, it's a bfn, I can have the whole weekend to sulk. I don't know when my beta will be as I will call to make that appt after transfer. I think its 10-14 days AFTER transfer so that is the week of the 26th... Too long for me to wait either way! I have heard that during FETs, the hcg starts off slower than a fresh cycle positive beta... So I don't want to test too early like I did last time. Hmm, just looked at the calendar and Friday is only 10 dpo... That is too early. Maybe I will wait for Saturday at least!! My moms' birthday is the Monday after my transfer so I am praying I have a little extra gift to give her that day. Pray that I do, please!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! Okay, just felt like screaming! I am sooo excited!! :)

I'm back!!!! It went well. The good news is my lining was at 9!! They wanted it at 7 so mine is good and I still have 6 days for it to grow even more!!! I got my instructions and am set! My transfer is on Monday at 12pm. LUNCH TIME...

As I was sitting there I had flashbacks. The clinic used to give me hope but now I think of that day when we found out our baby had died. I waited in the same room today that I waited that day. Thank God I didn't have my u/s in the same room but I passed it up and it made me get a huge lump in my throat. Now the clinic gives me a stomach ache and just a sick feeling. I am hoping that soon I will be going across the hall from my clinic- the ob/gyn. It's kind of weird that they have it set up that way but whatever. I see biggo pregnant ladies go to the left while I go to the right- Fertility Center. It sucks! One day, I want to go the left. I will one day.

I hate thinking about how far I would have been. I would be around 18-20 weeks!!! I don't remember exactly but I know it's around that time frame. I would have my belly by now. :(
I would be finding out the sex of the baby (BOY!) and beginning to buy furniture. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe just maybe I will be doing that... say around... July?? I sure hope so.

Yipeee! We are one week away as of today. Wow, time has gone by FAST. As I look at the hours of the day, yes, they seem to drag on but when I see that weeks or days have gone by, it seems FAST. I remember just taking my provera pills the other day?

Tomorrow is my u/s. I am a little nervous but I am sure it will go good. All it is is a quick check of my lining to make sure its thick enough. I believe my clinic wants it over 8mm. During IVF, it got to the point of 13mm towards the end! Hopefully the Estrace tablets did their job right? I am not sure if I get to see the nurse or not... I guess so since she could give me my results right then and there.

The days are going fast (I already said that!) and my actual transfer is creeping up. Yes, I am excited, VERY excited! But I am also terrified. I had a breakdown last night. I think its the first one so far so that is good. It's all overwhelming and now with a miscarriage under my belt, it's even more scarier then when I was doing my fresh cycle. So many things can go wrong and I am totally aware of it now more than ever. But what can I do? I told Aaron that I just have to do it. I can't let my fear stop me. Even if it's a bfn, at least I tried right? I could just sit around and let my embies chill in the lab but what good will that do? It's not like me and Aaron could get pg naturally so why waste time?? I am turning 28 in May. I hate that I am getting older and I have no kids. That was not the plan. I hate feeling left out when women get together. Usually kids always comes up in the conversation and most likely is the focus of the conversation. I have nothing to contribute. Nothing. I don't have any stories, no experiences, no input.
We went to a party on Saturday night and my cousin and a girl I just met (both in early 30s) were talking and of course like always, the conversation shifted to schools and more crap about their kids. I literally walked out and went outside to hang out with Aaron which was with the guys. Or I hang out with the teens who I get along with great! I hate feeling like I am alone. There aren't many women like me- infertile. They are around but usually we know WAY more fertiles then infertiles, am I right?
It just sucks and like I told Aaron, I am ready for this journey to END. I want closure!!

10 more days to go!!! It's creeping up and although time has gone by fast, I wish it would go by a little faster. I am feeling anxious and excited. I am thinking about my embies alot and how I love them all. I know the reality is that not all may survive and not all may implant (hopefully at least one) but I still feel a bond with them as they are part of Aaron and I. It's funny because I ask Aaron what are babies are doing in the lab and he says they are chillin!! Haha
I say that they are anxiously waiting for us and hope that we can go get them soon.

I have been praying and really talking to God in my head lately. I can't help it. I sure hope He doesn't get tired of me asking! If He does, all He has to do is give me my baby and I won't ask anymore.. Simple as that!

Tomorrow we have a b-day party so that should make the time go by faster. Tuesday is my u/s and I am praying that my cushion is fluffy enough. I haven't had a problem yet when it comes to responding to all the medications I have been on so I am not really worried. That thought just crosses my mind though every now and then.

I feel a bit hormonal lately and the sex drive is gone. Hmm? I wonder if that's from the Estrace?? It has to be. On Wednesday I start progesterone shots (YIPPEEE! not) along with another medication that aids implantation.

Man, I am excited!!! And man, I hope I get PG!!!

Happy Monday! The weekend went by fast. I feel a little tired but I only have 3 hours to go.

I started 2 pills of Estrace today. They aren't bad at all as they are itty bitty but its remembering all my meds. I need to take folic acid. I take one 1 pill from my presribed ones then I take an extra 1200mg of the over the counter kind. I read that while taking metformin you should take extra folic acid as some of it won't absorb.
Then I am taking Metformin (pcos). I take 2000mg of this a day. That is 4 pills. I break them up into taking 2 pills at 2pm and the other 2 at night time. Now I am doing the Estrace too. I was doing the one at noon and now I will be adding one in the evening. And last but not least the baby aspirin. Forunately, I only take one of these a day so I usually take it at night too. Soon I will add the progesterone in oil injections too!!!

This weekend we went to a concert. I bought Aaron some tickets (for Valentines) to the Israel Houghton live recording concert in Humble, Tx. He used to direct Praise and Worship at Lakewood church. Anyway, he is awesome and sings gospel-contemporary type of music. He sang alot and then did a little message at the end. He said that he needed to tell somebody that they need to believe. That they need to believe even if its a miracle. He said "even if your dream has been shattered, even if it seems impossible, I am telling you, you need to believe AGAIN." He said not to let your dreams die and even told the audience to put their hand on their heart and say it.. "I believe".
I didn't want to get emotional but heck, the lights were off, it was me and Aaron and I simply needed it. I felt hot heavy tears down my cheeks and I was just crying and crying. I seriously felt God was talking to ME especially when he said to believe AGAIN. I needed to hear that. I walked out of there a new person and felt my faith come back just a little. Today, I felt good. I believe again. Dh thinks its funny that I bought him the tickets but I am the one that ended up enjoying it more. :)

I am looking at my calander today and transfer is 2 weeks away exactly!!!!!! I had a dream on Saturday night that it was transfer day and I was on the bed and I asked Dr. Dunn how many made it. He told me 3 and that we were transferring them. I woke up after that with a smile on my face. I hope its true. How crazy would it be if all made it??????? 8) Crazy!!!

We got some good news today. Aaron's tests came back NORMAL!!! He had a chromosome analysis and a Y chromosome microdeletion test. As you can imagine, we are both soo happy and this totally relaxes me for our upcoming FET. Its good to know for the future.
So with my test being normal (chromosome analysis) and his being normal, the baby must had either had a fluke problem (chromosome but not passed by either of us) or was just bad luck.

Regarding our frozen embies, I must admit this boosts up my confidence 100%. Okay, now the 19th can't get here soon enough!

The 'ole witch is here!! CD#1 for me, baby!!!! I just called Honey to go over my protocol. I am finally excited!!!!!!!! This is the start to something new and hopefully something WONDERFUL. I am ready to give my little embies a home. I just pray that everything from now on goes smoothly.

I was talking to Aaron last night because I have been having doubts about FET this cycle. Not because of negative thoughts but because my sister is getting married in December. The eighth to be exact. I am feeling bad in case I do become PG because I don't want to miss her wedding of course. I don't care to be big and fat. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't miss her wedding for that. Aaron says to DO IT. He wants to have a baby THIS year 2007, even if they come on Christmas. So we are going for it!!! I wouldn't be due until around Christmas time anyways but still... its a chance to take but Aaron and I are both wanting this baby THIS year!!!!! I am sure everything will work itself out.

I am popping my last pill tonight! YIKES. I can't believe I will be starting the meds back up this week. It seems surreal. I am ready though!! I have been walking again and actually did some running. We are going again tonight. I have been eating alot of protein and drinking lots of water. I just want to feel healthier in general. Have I mentioned that I am excited and scared??? :)

I forgot to mention that I had a dream the other night about doing another fresh ivf cycle. I was in the OR with the RE (who wasn't my RE, it was a woman I had never seen) and she was sitting in front of me. I guess I had had my retrieval already. Well she goes on to tell me she had gotten 3,000 eggs (huh????) . I responded "isn't that bad?" She said "we will see." Then I woke up. Imagine 3000 eggs????? LORD!!

Crazy... I guess thats just me being stressed already. I told my mom how I had been feeling and of course I got a lecture of how I need to be positive blah blah blah. It felt good to just say how miserable and sad I am though. At least I know I have extra prayers coming my way, right?

The fertiles... Well my bestfriend just called me to tell me she is pg. Yup. They tried 3 weeks ago and they are now expecting. They have 2 other kids that are 8 and 5 so this is number 3. I can't believe it worked that fast!!!!!! She was just going on and on about it and finally she let me go and then she called me back and I didn't answer. I know she can't help it but come on, I just told her about my m/c about a month ago and I told her we had to do ivf too. I came out to her about everything!! Why couldn't she just be a little more sensitive? It stings bad right now...

I had a talk with my boss this morning. Sometimes we get to talking and even though I am not close to her, I can tell her almost anything about this whole ivf. Its weird, but I can open up MORE to people that I am not as close to... I guess because I don't have to see her everyday its easier plus she listens and she gives good advice.
I shared how scared I am. I feeling very negative (mentioned this before) and thoughts have started to rise. I wonder if I should do this FET now, I wonder if maybe I should wait a little longer. Dr. Dunn was perfectly fine with it so if he is and he is the expert, then I guess I am too. Aaron wants to move on and so do I but I don't know at times. I do remember feeling this way before my IVF cycle too so I guess its part of the package. I remember right before doing my first shot I started to think about not starting. So again, its the same I feel now.
I am not as scared to miscarry again. I mean, I am but I am hoping that Aaron's results come in normal and if so, then I don't think I will worry about it too much. Of course, if I end up PG I will be terrified before every appt especially around the time we lost our baby- 8 weeks. Okay! I take it back! Now that I think about it, I will be terrified if I get pg again!!!... But what I really am scared of is seeing a negative. I might take it really really hard because of the miscarriage. It will probably bring it back up.
The fears have me pinned down but I am trying to just get back in it. I started to exercise again and am trying to be more positive by telling myself it will work. I am trying to pray again. I haven't been because I am angry but I will start. I am also looking at my calander and have all my known appts and events on it. It helps me to count down the days until the next big thing. My transfer is less than a month away!!! I need to focus my thoughts on those 4 little embryos. My boss said that I should think about that when the negative thoughts come my way. She said that they want a warm and cozy home (my belly) and that at least one of them could make it. She said that I could carry one of them to term, deliver and then have that baby look up at his mother's big brown eyes. It made me want to cry. She said to think about it that way. It could happen! She said I will be such a good mother and not to give up. She said if it was her, she'd want to get pg right away again! She is right. I do and hopefully I will.
So as of now, I have decided to take her advice and to allow myself feel hopeful again. I have decided to not let that tragedy of losing my baby, keep me in that dark zone I have been in. Its too scary there and I could easily stay there for years.
Aaron has been so hopeful and so kind to me. We have had our share of misunderstandings during all of this but he is letting me just feel. I guess he finally got the point that nothing he says is going to fix my pain, but that he could just listen. That always helps.
Yesterday I got home and was VERY sad. I was crying on the way home just meditating on everything and I just wanted to be alone. He asked if there was anything he could do, I said no. He asked what was wrong... I got smart and answered "what the hell do you THINK is wrong???" (duh, aaron). I told him I was just tired of everything and to please just leave me alone. Fortunately he had plans so I asked him to leave a bit earlier (he did) and I was left alone to sulk and cry. I decided to go for a walk and watch some tv and felt so much better. By the time he got home, I had dinner half way done and was in a happy mood. I am SO sure he thinks I am crazy!! (lol) Oh well... my honey has his bad traits too.
In closing, today will be a start to a new beginning. It will be a new season for me and Aaron and hopefully soon there will be new life coming into OUR life.

Change of plans!

So I took an hpt on Friday night (hey, I was all alone and bored!!!) and it was negative, stark white too! So I was actually happy seening this as I can now start provera. I started the very next day. SO I am on my 3rd day! I am expecting AF sometime midweek next week.

I have been sad lately. I have thinking about our little angel alot. I just can't seem to move on. I do fake it in front of people and I am sure I look like I am doing pretty good and all but I know and now dh knows, that I am infact, not doing so hot. I think of how far along I would be and I cry. I don't know exactly what date and week but I know the range and I know that I would be hitting the exciting part which is feeling the baby move, dh feeling him/her, and of course the BIG u/s. I hate that I didn't get to experience that. It just pisses me off and at the same time my heart shatters each time I think about it. I miss the baby so much. I just wish I could rewind time. I wish I would have known the future that way I could have taken more time to love my baby and be happy instead of paranoid. I wish alot of things. It just sucks.

I have been crying again too and once the first tear rolls down, MANY follow. I just feel like I can't get over it. I felt this right after my m/c then I felt better and like I could move on. Now I am back to that place where I just want to crawl in my bed and hide. I can't see tomorrow, I don't know how I will get up from this. I did tell Aaron that I do know my limits though. I know that I could easily sink into depression over this. I could sink into bitterness and anger over this. Of course I am all of the above now but I like to think I have a moderate case and it's not severe just yet. I know that if I got into a dark place I probably wouldn't be able to get out...so I try to not let myself get there. I cry and scream but I tell myself "okay, I feel better".
I am pissed at God, I won't lie. I still say He is good but that doesn't stop me from being mad at Him. I know He didn't kill my baby or anything but I just don't understand the point of this. I don't understand what the point WAS. I don't understand why He couldn't just give this to me. I can't understand why, why, why... I am sure I never will but you can bet your ASS I will ask Him when I get there.
I am not praying anymore. Aaron and I pray together and we are praying for our procedure but as far as me praying on my own, it just doesn't happen. I just don't have any words. I do tell Him I am pissed at Him. I tell Him that one day I will be able to give Him praise but right now I can't. I tell Him that I do love Him. It sucks too!

I have been thinking of this FET and I am not as excited. I am more scared. I am terrified that it won't work. I am scared that I will be left with a negative and that that will make the m/c even worse!!!! I am scared that I will miscarry again. I am scared, scared, scared. I am just taking it one day at a time and my attitude isn't as naive as it was with the fresh cycle. I hope to be wonderfully surprised though. God, I wish I didn't have to do this again.

Aaron is good though. He has been sharing with me that he also gets sad from time to time. He says that he sees PG women and he thinks about how far along I would be. When he sees babies or toddlers he says he gets this tugging in his chest that hurts.
Its good to hear he is also going through this as its comforting but at the same time, it hurts to hear him hurting about this.
Aaron doesn't like to talk about adoption because he is just CERTAIN we will have children of our own and in his mind, if we talk about it, its like we don't believe. Well I agree but at the same time, I want to be realistic. I am young, he is younger so we still have time but still... many many women just go childless. Not many, but there are some out there. There are 2 in my family that went childless. So I asked him if we could adopt, of course he said no, blah blah, we will have our own children and we aren't giving up yet. So I said, I am not trying to adopt RIGHT NOW, but I just want to know that I WILL be mother in my lifetime. I don't care if the child(ren) is from my blood or body, that is so miniscule now. I just want to be a mom. I just want to know in MY mind that yes, I will be a mom someday. So he said "of course, if we never had children we would definately adopt". Do you know how better that made me feel?? So much better.

Its crazy. All this ttc crap is crazy. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't believe people actually make babies in their bedroom by having sex. That seems so foreign to me... Its just crazy.

I was supposed to start provera on Valentine's Day. I was trying to time it so that I would get af during the week and not during the weekend. Well the only condition was I had to take a pregnancy test (per nurse) before popping any of those little pills. SO I did that night and I got a light line. I called the nurse the next day and of course I can't take the af bringing pills just yet. I have to wait and test again (she said a week but I am going for 3 days). If its still ++ by a week, I have to go in and do b/w.
I didn't test after my miscarriage as many women do. They want to see hcg go down therefore they test until they get back to negative. I didn't because I didn't want to see a fake line on there. Well I still had to see it on V-day and it sucked!!!!

I am now going to be a week behind meaning transfer won't be until 3rd week of March. I know its not much of a difference but I just want to move on.

Oh well. I guess my body isn't quite ready yet the way my heart and mind are.

Happy Valentine's day to me!!!!! Aaron is such a romantic!!!!! My morning started off with a huge stuffed caterpillar on the couch to surprise me. Then in the car there was a beautiful basket with some yummies in it. I got chocolates, a heart diamond bracelet, a card and a cd. The cd was the best gift though!! It had Aaron singing a song that he wrote just for me. It was so beautiful that I cried all the way to work. It was about what the future holds in store for us. It was very very pretty. Once I got to work I got a rose and tulip flower arrangement delivered.
Tonight we are going to dinner. We are going to Carrabba's Italian. Dh wanted to do something different since we usually do Perrys Grill (steakhouse). Hopefully its good, which I heard it is.

So last night my 2 sisters and I headed to dinner. My middle sister got married in January and is moving to El Paso where her dh is stationed. It was nice because it was just us but it was sad towards the end. We cried and hugged. I can't believe she is leaving. Its so weird. I know we will see her again but its just different now. I am going to miss her alot. :(

I will start provera tonight or tomorrow. I am supposed to do an HPT first *insert rolling eyes emoticon here*. I will do one just for the laugh I suppose. I am sure my hcg is down to zero. I hope so.
I picked up my meds during lunch. I can't believe we are about to start again. It went by so fast.

I haven't updated in a while. I tried to once last week but it took too long so I was impatient and closed out.

The results for the testing done after my D&C came back 2 weeks ago. I am disappointed with them but what can I do. The nurse said that the tissue they tested was 100% maternal tissue meaning it was all mine. Why? I don't know. I asked if that meant that they got the wrong tissue out and was the baby still in me and she said no. What most likely happened (our RE had already assumed this as the lab was taking a bit long) was that by the time they got to the testing the baby's tissue was all dead. They weren't able to retrieve ANY live cells from him which is how they test it in the lab. The take the live cells and grow them and then they test them for different chromosome abnormalities. Well our baby didn't have any live cells to grow. I am mad that I will never know what or what did NOT go wrong. She did say that they went ahead and tested me and my chromosomes as that is very important in miscarriages. She said I was 100% perfect. Everything was in place where it should be. So in other words, I didn't pass on any chromosome problems the baby. Dh and I thought it would be better to test him also. I really really hope to get the results BEFORE our FET that way we know what we are looking at. I know I have only had one miscarriage but for me and alot more women, that is ENOUGH. I don't see why docs don't test you for all this once you have one. I guess because miscarriages are so common plus these tests are very $$, its better to just assume it was a fluke and it probably won't happen again. Well I personally can't rely on "probably". I, in no way, want to go through another loss. So I got on the ball.
If Aaron comes out with something (which I doubt, but you just never know) then we *might* hold out on the FET. I would want to see my RE to see what we can do. I imagine it would be IVF with PGD. With PGD, they test the embryos for a certain number of chromosome abnormalities. Some embryos look good and are growing so those might be the ones they choose to put back in the woman. But little do they know, they might be abnormal. With this PGD procedure you can avoid that. I sorta wish we would had done this in my first cycle, just in case...

So for now, I am going along with the FET. I will get the results of Aaron's tests in about 2 weeks which is when I will probably get AF. I am timing it perfectly with Provera just in case we back out and decide to go on to another fresh cycle.
So the plan is (for now at least) to take provera on Thursday. I expect to take the 10 pills and then get my period 3 days after my last pill. On day 3 I will start the Estrace tablets and then further along start the progesterone injections.

I am going to drop off my Rx today and pick up the provera.

The days are going by FAST for me. I can't believe we are already half way down February almost. I expect my transfer to be in the 2nd week of March *insert bug eyed emoticon here*. Its just around the corner! EEK!

I was supposed to be eating better and working out. Have I? Not a chance. I am back into my jeans which were tight when I was PG so that is good. I might start tonight though...