So yeah.....

Sorry once again!!!!

The holidays were good. I was pretty sad as Christmas came up. I cried alot. I vetoed Christmas and had NO motivation for a tree, for shopping (WHOA!!), for decorations, for stockings, for nothing. I kept thinking how last Christmas I was the happiest most content woman on the face of the earth and how this Christmas I was the most depressed. A year made a HUGE difference. 4 days before Christmas I tell myself to go buy a tree, decorate it and see if that makes me at least a little happy.... it worked! I snapped out of it and made the best of Christmas. I got awesome gifts and just didn't focus on what could have been. I just wished I would had had my baby to take pics with, to dress up in a Christmas outfit and to just be thankful for. Baby would had been around 4 months. I remember that so well because the moment I found out I was pg last year, I quickly figured out the days and months for the upcoming holidays. Sucks now though.

We then went to pick up my sister the day after Christmas Day. We drove all the way to El Paso!!! LOOOOONG drive- approximately 12 hours!! I was nervous and excited. I was scared a little too of what my reaction would be when I met my nephew, also seeing my parents as "grandparents" for the first time and seeing my sister as a "mommy" which I sooo desperately wanted to be.
It went fine. Better than fine actually!! I saw Gabriel and I fell in love. I love him soooo much that I can't keep my hands to myself when I am around him. I love it when he cries, I love it when he coos, I love it when he looks at me. I just love him. Deep down I do wish my baby would had been here to meet his cousin and I think it would had been fantastic for them to be only months apart but I try not to focus on that. My nephew is gorgeous and I am thankful for him. I guess it was the pregnancy part that bothered me the most about my sister. Once the baby was actually here, can't help but to want to hold and kiss him.

Well that brings me to the new year. That was great! We spent it with our family and our church.

The new year has been wonderful so far. I will tell you why.

I was supposed to start estrace this month when af arrived. Well no af thus no estrace. I've been really really thinking about this ttc crap and once again, I have NO energy, NO desire, NO motivation, NO nothing to get back on the crazy train of IVF (sorry my IVF girls!!). None whatsoever. I've made a HUGE decision of NOT moving forward with FET or IVF#3. I've decided to depart from this road for now. I can't even describe what I feel. It's freedom, hapiness, self love, hope and exitement all rolled into one. I will be 29 this year in May. I am young although I know I am not 21 anymore. BUT.... I've wasted too many of my BEST years on this ttc crap. I will never get those years back. I've been a depressed, moody, angry, resentful, self destroying, hopeless, faithless, sad, sad, sad BITCH for almost ALL of my 20's!!! Almost all of them!!! Now I see that it's far more depressing to think of all those years wasted. I know I can't rewind time but this is my last year of being in my 20's. I'll be DAMNED if I go into my 30's the same. No ma'm!! I told my bff that this year, we are living it up! I am back on track on losing more weight (I gained 3-4 lbs over the holidays! DOH!), I've been going out dancing with my friends, having drinks, not worried about dates or appts. It's just been glorious.
I told Aaron and he was fine (I am sure he was RELIEVED haha!) with it and told me that if that's what I want then go for it but to not do it because I am scared. He told me that having a baby was the desire of my heart and to not let it go.
I am not letting it go. I will have children. Whether biological or adoption but I will be a mother one day. That gives me great comfort. I will go back to ttc full force when I turn 30. I just need this year to be wild, to be myself again and to regain the confidence as a woman that I have lost over these last 5 years. It's been that long girls. I got married at 21. I started ttc (no protection) at 21 1/2 -22 years old. I went to 1st RE because I had been charting for a while. I was 23 or 24 years old and freaked out with talk about SA and HSG! I took a break for a year at 25 years old. I came back full force and started different RE at 26 years old. Started IVF treatment in 2006. WOW..... You see how my life has been defined by this??? It's just sad. How could I had neglected my marriage and myself for so long? I guess when you want nothing more than to have a baby it takes you over like a fast growing disease. There is no cure for it and you can get so wrapped into it that you forget about everything else.

My wish is for those that are ttc (especially my IVF girls) to reach their goal. I wish awesome text book ivf cycles with awesome eggies and great sperm which make PERFECT embryos. I wish that you will get a bfp and that you will have a beautiful long awaited baby in your arms (or 2!! hehe). Keep hanging in there as long as you can.
But if you are burned out, well then I invite you to join me on the break side. It doesn't have to be as long as mine but breaks are good. If you've lost yourself in the middle of treatment then find yourself once again. Find your strength (because IVF takes strength!!!) and your faith once again. Wipe your brow and when you are ready jump back in.
It's a tough journey, I know but in the end, whenever that will be, will be totally worth it.

For now, I am leaving my mommyhood dreams behind and will be working on becoming a sexy moma inside and out. hehe It will be good for me, my husband and of course, that baby that I still dream of.

I will come in and check in every once in a while. I will not be joining FF obviously. Being there gives me the evil itch so I need to stay AWAY. lol Keep me updated though because I love hearing the success stories on all of my old friends. Keep in touch and know that you are all strong, amazing women in my eyes no matter how low you feel. YOU ARE.

Okay, so I didn't puke for THAT long!
Anyways, blech on that piece of crap woman. Just blech.

Well for the last 2 days the toilet has been my bestfriend. Yay! Welcome back to Metformin land. Haha. That's as far as my ttc attempts are going for right now.
Did I mention I called my RE and set up my FET for February?? I will call them once I get af end of December or beginning of January. So I should have my transfer sometime in late January or early February. Not too excited about it but gotta do what I gotta do. I no longer see these treatment cycles as a "this one is it!" kind of thing but more like "oh no, here we go again". That's sad huh? I am about 97% expecting a bfn and about 3% expecting a bfp. (gotta have SOME hope, right?) It's easier that way.

I don't even want to think of what is going to happen after FET! Ugh!!! I will be shopping for a new RE and it just drains me thinking about it!

I did get 2 information packets on adoption. One from the state and one from an agency in Houston. Again, sounds like a huge hassle too!! Either one (new RE with bfp or adoption success) will be worth it though...

My sister's wedding is getting THISCLOSE. Omg! I am excited, nervous and scared all at the same time. I called my sis to make sure she is okay. I remember those days... very stressful. I remember crying and my mind racing 100 miles an hour. I wish I could had been rich to hire a wedding coordinator. Supposedly, she is fine. She is just getting the last things done. I am SO jealous she is going away on honeymoon/ vacation. I know I just went away to the beach but she is going on a cruise! Waa! I wanna go!

I noticed yesterday after taking some headshots of myself (I was bored) that I am definately tan, at least my body is but my face now seems too light for my body!! lol I swear I looked as if I photoshopped my head onto a body in some of the pics. Does anybody know how to fix this? I was thinking of using a bronzer or maybe even self tanning lotion on my face. But that would be scary!! Think of what could happen? I am not sure if I should be experimenting a week before the wedding but I surely don't want to look like a bobble head.

No other news on this block. Holidays are creeping up fast huh? I decorated the inside of the house (except for the tree) with all the cute decorations and wreaths and little trees. In one of the boxes I found a teddy bear that I saved from last year. I won it at church and everyone said it was perfect for me because I was pregnant. It was! I knew it was meant to be when I won it. Well sometime after Christmas I put it up thinking it would be neat to find it next year with my baby in my arms. *GULP*
That stung BIG time!! No baby in my arms, just a little brown polo teddy bear. How sad is that? This sucks...

"OMG" is all I could say when I read this about 30 seconds ago!!!

Zeigler is jailed in solitary confinement due to concerns that publicity of the case could cause other inmates to retaliate against him.
Trenor's attorney said she is jailed in a medical unit because she is pregnant.

These are the same people from the article I posted yesterday!! SHE IS PREGNANT!?!?!?!! WTF?????????????????????????????????????????????????

I am going to puke... be back later.

Ugh. I am so sad. My heart feels broken for this little girl. I just can't believe there are people (more like ANIMALS) that are capable of doing this to a human, nonetheless, a child. Our city got a little attention through this, definately not the attention us here in Galveston would like though...

GALVESTON, Texas - A woman believed to be the mother of a 2-year-old whose body was found in Galveston Bay told police she and the girl’s stepfather beat and tortured the child to death, court documents show.
The details, in a statement Kimberly Dawn Trenor gave to police, paint a chilling picture of the last days of the girl investigators called “Baby Grace” as they worked for weeks to learn her identity.
Investigators are awaiting DNA test results but said Monday they are “fairly confident” that the body a fisherman found in a plastic box Oct. 29 is that of Riley Ann Sawyers. Trenor, 19, and her husband, Royce Clyde Zeigler II, were in custody on charges of hurting the girl.

“It was a few weeks ago I held up this little shoe and asked, ’Who is Baby Grace? Who does this belong to?”’ sheriff’s Maj. Ray Tuttoilmondo said at a news conference. “We’re now fairly confident we know the answer to that.”
An autopsy revealed three skull fractures, but the cause of death has not been determined.
Tuttoilmondo said he could not discuss details of the little girl’s death, but Trenor said in her police statement, first reported by Houston television station KTRK, that she and Zeigler, 24, killed her July 24.
The girl was beaten with leather belts, had her head held underwater in a bathtub and then was thrown across a room, her head slamming into a tile floor, Trenor said in the document. She said they kept the body in a storage shed for one to two months before they put it in a plastic bin and dumped it into Galveston Bay.
Trenor’s attorney, Tom Stickler, said she has cooperated with authorities. He declined to comment about her statement to investigators.
'No doubt' on ID“But from what she said, there is no doubt that the girl found is Riley Sawyers,” Stickler said.
Trenor and Zeigler were arrested early Saturday and charged with injury to a child and tampering with evidence, Tuttoilmondo said. Bail was set at $350,000 each. The couple’s next court appearance was expected to be scheduled on Tuesday.

Royce Clyde Zeigler II is the boyfriend of the dead girl's mother.
Wendell Odom, Zeigler’s attorney, declined to comment on the case except to say Zeigler grew up in Spring, about 75 miles north of Galveston, and works as an instrument technician in the oil industry.
Trenor and Zeigler met a couple of years ago playing an online game, World of Warcraft, and she moved with her daughter from suburban Cleveland to Spring in June, Stickler said.
Riley’s paternal grandmother, Sheryl Sawyers, hadn’t seen her granddaughter in months when she saw a police sketch of “Baby Grace.” Thinking it might be Riley, she called authorities in Texas.
'Resting peacefully'In Mentor, Ohio, on Monday, Sawyers wiped away tears at a news conference and held up the Elmo doll she had already bought Riley for Christmas.
“It’s hard to think that I’ll never see her again,” she said.
The Sawyers family’s attorney, Laura DePledge, said they take comfort in knowing that the girl is “resting peacefully and is no longer subject to abuse.”
DePledge said Trenor and Sawyers’ son, Robert Sawyers, also of Mentor, had been high school sweethearts. Sheryl Sawyers said she has not seen Riley since the girl and Trenor moved to Texas.
Robert Sawyers, who works in an auto-parts store, was never married to Trenor but lived with her and their daughter in his parents’ home for about two years. He and Trenor split up after March 31, when he was charged with domestic violence against her.
DePledge said there was insufficient evidence to support the charge, which was reduced to disorderly conduct. Robert Sawyers is now married and has a 3-month-old son.
Riley “had a very big imagination for such a little girl,” he said of his daughter. “She could play with anything and have fun with it.”
Tuttoilmondo said Trenor had told relatives that someone claiming to be a social worker from Ohio took the girl in July.
Tuttoilmondo said investigators became emotionally involved in determining the little girl’s identity.
“Any way you look at it, we carry a piece of her with us and will always carry a little piece of her with us,” he said. “She’s still our little girl.”


This just fucking disgusts me. Pardon my language but it just sickens me. My GOD, here the hell I am crying and asking for a kid while these fucking animals KILL their's. I just can't understand. I don't understand. Why not give this little girl to someone who would have treasured her. Why not send her off to her grandmother's. Why not use some damn birth control???
This morning I was on my way to work and I heard this song (before I knew about the conclusion of Baby Grace) and I laughed at these lyrics. I thought, hmm, I need to post that song on my blog. I loved this song back in the day and although I don't here it much today, when I do, I turn it up loud and JAM out.
Here are the lyrics:

I had visions, I was in them,
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories,
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes(But no one ever does)

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee,
Goddamn you


I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin, to live so well


wanna publish 'zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind
Mind...

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles
Diggin' big holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!


I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live this well



Anybody else LOVE this song??? It's great!! I bolded the lyrics that made me laugh earlier. Then I get here to work and read the conclusion of baby Grace and OMG... the lyrics are not as funny anymore, more sad to me. I just don't get it. I do believe God knows best and that He is wise but this I don't understand. I won't get all deep and try to find out why because I probably won't get an answer but my goodness... This just makes me want to crawl in bed and cry.

Happy Thanksgiving Week!!
Love the food, the spirit and the unity of family during this time. It's just a warm holiday.

I am officially an aunt. My sister was admitted on Thursday at 6am but didn't have Gabriel until Friday NIGHT at around 6:20pm. She wasn't progressing on her own so doc broke her water and that's when everything finally started to move forward. All of a sudden she dialated to a 4 then a 7 then a 9. I called my mom that evening around 4-5 (I kept calling every hour or so) and I told her to call me when she was going to have him. She did once but the doctor wasn't there yet so they told her to wait for another 20 minutes or so to start pushing. By now, she was a 10. So doc gets there and my mom called me. I told her to put the phone down so I could listen and I got to hear everything. I heard her push for a while then finally I heard some racket going on and her pushing and a little weird noise that sounded like a little cat or something. I was in the walmart parking lot crying with emotion. He weighed almost 7lbs. He is short but fat. He is a cutie. My mom brought back a video of him and I can't wait to see him. As soon as he was born I felt an overwhelming feeling of love for him. I just couldn't help but to be excited to have him here. All day long I had a sad feeling that my sister was going in labor and I wasn't. But I guess his presence took that away. Now that he is here I can't wait to hold him and to cuddle him. I guess it was the pregnancy that hurt me or made me jealous. He on the other hand, is my blood and a BABY. I might not ever want to let him go.
My sister is doing well. She said it was the worst pain of her life. But my mom says she is adapting to motherhood pretty well. We were all nervous about that. lol

On another note, the bacheloretter party was a blast! We had 10 girls. Good food, frozen margaritats and lots of naughty games. My sister had fun and although I spent waaaaay too much money on that night, it was worth it.

We went dancing. I haven't went clubbing in years but it was a special occasion. I kept drinking (3 shots, 5 fruit drinks and 2 margaritas) and couldn't feel a thing. So I thought I was fine. Then all of a sudden I was like "WHOA". I felt the room spinning and I danced my butt off. OMG... I was silly!

But we had fun. My sister wore her bachelorette crown and sash so we had all kinds of congragulations and dances etc.

I felt like crap the next day and the next. I am barely feeling better today.

I am sooo happy that we have Thurs-Sunday off. Woohooo!! LOVE long weekends.

So if I don't get to post again, Happy Turkey Day!

Sooooo I've been totally researching adoption although I am still learning. I've gone back and forth!
It's weird because about a year ago or even 6 months ago, when I thought of adoption, I literally would cry even almost gasp for air. It was like my VERY VERY last resort. I would start feeling like I was going to freak out or have a temper tantram as I'd tell God "Please God, please!! I don't want to have to adopt". It was like I couldn't even imagine myself having to adopt.
Well here I am researching and learning and asking for information packets. Yup, I have 2 being sent my way. Now, I know IF we did adopt we wouldn't start paperwork until the end of next year or even 2009. But I can't believe that this woman who is entering "domestic infant adoption in texas" or "christian adoption agencies" or "foster to adoption programs in texas" is ME. Wow!! I keep going home and just telling Aaron "Let's just adopt, let's forget about ivf, iui's and fet's.. let's just be parents". Surprisingly, he is about 80% on board. He still wants to "try" as do I but I really feel like adoption isn't my last resort, it's another option I can take towards parenthood.

Who knows what this life has in store for me. I never imagined that I'd get pg one day, to see those beautiful pink lines (even purple as I got further along) but I did. I never thought I'd do IVF but I did, 2 times. I never thought I'd EVER consider adoption but I am and very seriously.

So the reason for my post... Time changes all. Time changes one's belief's sometimes, even one's morals. Time changes the hurt after a heartbreak. Time changes love into deeper love or no love. Time changes our physical bodies from great tight beautiful skin to old and wrinkled skin. Time changes our goals, our dreams. Time changes our positions in the world, we move up on the ladder or sometimes move down. Time changes all. Time changed my mind, my belief, my desire.
Time wasn't all. My desire to be a mother is so strong that it is overcoming my biggest fear of never having biological children. That desire has overtaken me and now, it's not so bad if I never experience pg. I mean, I WANT to but so what if I didn't. So what?? The moment I hold my child in whatever way he/she comes, OMG... it will be a "FINALLY" moment. I am not going to think about how this child isn't my blood or is my blood, I am just going to think "FINALLY".
Just like in my dream!

I've decided to start Estrace sometime in January. I need to call my clinic as the time approaches. I want to do FET in February. Not sure why but I do. I haven't even told Aaron yet lol. He is getting ansy though too about all this which has helped me alot to not feel so alone. Aaron used not be so vocal about children maybe because he didnt' want to talk about it or maybe because he just didn't want them that bad but if you hear him now, wow, time changes all!! I'm telling ya! It's crazy...

Well sending out thoughts and prayers to Amy's trio!

Yello!! (I meant to say YELLO!)

Wow, I am so excited for my friend AMY (hey Amy)! She got some great news today and I am just giddy for her. Makes me want to be doing IVF! (where the hell did that come from??? lol)

My parents left for El Paso last night. We traded vehicles as mine is more economical. My sister is being induced today so her little one should arrive today sometime. Hopefully sooner than later as I heard that she was freaking out. I am excited yet nervous, I feel a tad of jealousy because I know a special bond will take place between this little boy, my parents and my sister. I guess I feel that I should have had that bond with them first and I would have if I hadn't lost my baby. *sigh*
Yeah, anyways.........................................

Ironically my uncle passed away this morning too. My dad did travel twice to see him so that makes me feel better. I am just very sad for my dad. My mom said he was very down but that he is better now. I don't know what he is going to do because of my sister being in labor. At least he'll feel some joy today with the baby.

I also got a call from my cousin about her sister. Turns out there's been a major family problem and I am feeling stressed about it. I hope that my cousin is okay. I am praying for them and for the situation but I am still worried about it.

It's been a rough day so far.

Oh and I had to tell my boss about that document that wasn't done. She asked a bunch of questions and said to leave it there with her. I am nervous about it but it's done and over with. At least I am in my office now which is not in the same location as hers. I just hate being there in person with her when she is stressed or angry. She is a VERY intimidating person. Very nice but can come off as mean. Does that make sense??

Then I think I picked up a virus or spyware on my computer at home. First I got some ads then I decided to BUY one of them (winspycontrol) like a dummy and it turns out it's fake and it puts MORE spyware!!! I am out $49.95 PLUS I have all this crap on my computer. I have NO idea how I am going to clean it. I've tried spybot and now am trying superantivirus and adware but don't know if they will work... UGH.. I can't believe I was so stupid and didn't google that stupid software first!! If anybody has any tips, please help. I am not using my computer at home for now until I get it cleaned...

Just realized this post has been about complaining. lol Oops!

So now with my cousin's problem I am not sure if her or her sister will come to the bachelorette party on Saturday. That means I will have to buy more stuff as they were going to help me with some of the costs. Double *UGH*.

Well folks, that's it for now.


Oh and also one of my buddies from FF had her baby last week so CONGRATS TO GLORIA!!! I am sooo happy for you. I wrote Denise to tell her to send you some love from me. I can't wait to see some pics of little Brennan!

I haven't been feeling well lately. I thought I imagined some spotting the other night and I freaked out because well... That would make me a 28-29 day girl which I have NEVER been. But af didn't come although I am feeling rather pissy so it might be she is just around the corner which would SUCK because I have plans this weekend.

I am throwing my little sister a naughty bachelorette party this Saturday. I have all my games, the decorations and her gift ready to go. All I need now is the food.
It should be fun and we should all have a blast. There will be frozen margaritas so yeah, at least we'll be feeling good. I am not sure if we are going out afterwards (doubt it) but I might gather up my girls and go with them. My sister will most likely go home but I might want to keep the party going... we can still have the bachelorette after party even without the bride, right??

I haven't been working out lately and my eating isn't perfect although it isn't horrendous like it used to be. I need to get back on it. I haven't gained but I haven't lost so I need to straighten up. My goal is to lose another 10lbs before my sister's wedding which is quickly approaching.

Yesterday I spent most of my workday (HA!) looking up foster/adoption and private adoption. I've really been researching lately. It something I never thought I'd come around to but I also thought I'd never do IVF (it was only for desperate crazy women!!), put egg whites in my hoo-haa, take vaginal temp every morning, roll around the bed after bd'ing because I read it worked for someone, etc. It seems that everything I say I will never do, I end up doing. How is that? Anyways, yeah. I've been reading alot. I contacted the HR president again for Aaron's job and asked for more information on the adoption reimbursement. She emailed a nice summary and it does sound pretty good. We are eligible for up to $10K in reimbursement for EACH adoption. Wow! (now why couldn't they increase my $10K LIFETIME max on IVF again?? Ugh) Sooooooooo this is GOOD. Real good. I read a lot on foster to adoption programs but there are risks that I don't think I can do. I read on domestic infant adoption and that seems to be what matches our needs the most. I always said (when I started thinking of adoption or when I'd hear a story of adoption) that I would ONLY do closed adoption. Now that has changed. I think I'd do semi open adoption. I also thought I might want only an infant but I might just be open to a child up to 3-4 years old. There are so many things to think about and fortunately I have until next year. I just like to get head starts. :)

I will probably do my FET sometime VERY soon. Maybe in January or February. I want to get it over with. Isn't that horrible?? I already feel that it isn't going to work. I guess all the bfn's have stayed with me. We'll see.... I am sure I will get more excited as the time approaches but for now I kind of wish I could skip all this bullshit and move onto adoption. Yeah, I cussed. Man I am pissy today!!!

I've been slacking at work too. I just don't feel like doing anything......PLUS, there is this one thing that my boss is going to have a heart attack about. A document that wasn't completed back in January! Yup, a year ago!! She is going to chew my booty out. Oh well, nothing I can do about it.

So that's whats going on on my block!

Hello!!

TGIF right?? Can you believe it's going to be Thanksgiving in less then 2 weeks??? OMG.. where did this year go? I swear I feel older every minute.

Last night we went to a Toby Mac/ Barlow Girl concert!! OMG it was sooooo much fun. I have tons of pics and the best part- we were in the FRONT ROW baby!!!!! Right smack in the middle. It was one of the most awesome experiences I've ever had, really! By the way, he is a CUTIE! :) He sang all these jams and then he did a little "let's go back old school" and he did remixes of old disco songs. OMG, was I dancing. Hehe, the whole concert was recorded live for a DVD coming out next Easter so hopefully I got my 15 minutes of fame on there, I should had since I was RIGHT there.
All my pics are great. I might post some here later on. Once, he knelt down on one knee and he looked right at me (I was right there in his face) but I swear we locked eyes for like 30 seconds and then he did it to my little cousin and he gave Aaron a high five. BOoo because I reached out my hand but he didn't give me a five. :( But it was GREAT. We had a blast.
Barlow Girl was good to although we've seen them before but it they jammed too!

I spoke to my sister last night. Turns out, the doctor would have induced her this Saturday but she thought about it and decided to wait it out one more week. She is 38 weeks now so the baby would be fine but she is worried that she is forcing him out when he isn't ready. So she says she will probably go in on the 15th, Friday and be induced then. She'd be 39 weeks. Remember, my OTHER sister is getting married Dec. 8th so my mom has been talking to my PG sister alot about dates since my mom is going to go and stay with my PG sister after baby comes. It's getting hard for her since the 2 important dates are so close.
And his name will be: Gabriel Antonio. Now, I don't like Antonio too much (her husband picked that name out) but I LOVE Gabriel. I never really thought about Gabriel (as a baby name when I look at names) but when she said it I loved it! Little Gabriel.... I am excited but I've noticed that it's stressing me out. I guess I am just wondering how I will react but I know in the end I will be fine. Time will tell.

Tomorrow Aaron is taking out my sister's fiance. They are doing a "clean, fun" bachelor party in where they are going to a HUGE laser tag, pool, arcade place and eat pizza. Then they are going to wrap a friend's house... lol They are crazy!

Then on the 17th, I am throwing my sister a bachelorette party. It's naughty themed so everything I have (paperware, napkins, decorations, etc) are all PENIS genre. There will be like 8 girls and we are just going to have a blast. I have some naughty games, margaritas and fun planned for the night! I can't wait!! It will be my first time hosting a bachelorette party so I want to make it FUN and something people will remember, especially my sister.

Then tomorrow I am having a fall party for my sunday school class. I have all these games, food and activities planned.

I feel drained when I think about everything I have to do and it is making the weeks go by SO fast. I guess that's good so these holidays won't seem boring and sad. That's the last thing I want.

So yup, that's my upcoming schedule. *sigh*
Oh and this time last year, I was doing IVF!!!! Wow, I can't believe it's been a year already since I stepped into the glamorous, fabulous life of the ivf'ers. Shouldn't I get a prize for it or something?? Like a baby or at least a lousy t-shirt???? You know, "I did 2 IVF's and 1 FET and all I got was this lousy t-shirt..." Wouldn't that be a hoot??

It's been another while huh?? lol
Sorry!

So much has happened then again, nothing has happened. My sister's wedding is like a month away! I can't believe it so close. My other sister should be having her baby in about 2-3 weeks!!!

I am doing okay. I have been really focusing on my health and today (I weigh myself every Wednesday morning) I hit my 20lb loss!!! Woohoo!! I can't believe it. I don't feel like I've lost so much but I think it's the denial of thinking I wasn't that fat. Yeah right. I've been working out hard though. I've been eating SO much better. I've been tanning. I've been dressing differently. I feel better about myself everyday.
Aaron has lost about 30lbs himself! But he gains it back SO easily so he is working hard too.

My cousins quinceanera is this Saturday. I had bought a GORGEOUS dress to wear but unfortunately, I still don't fit into it. So I went out and bought me another GORGEOUS dress to wear. lol Aaron also got him some nice dabs so we will both be looking hot and classy on Saturday. I can't wait!

TTC... hmmm. What is it again?? J/K! How can I forget?!? Well that's still on hold (unless we somehow create a miracle here) but we've been talking. Aaron has REALLY started to talk about children. We've taken out our little god daughter and out of the blue while holding her he will say "I want a little one". Our deal still exists that we won't do anything or go into deep decision making until next year. I can't handle that right now plus I really want to lose more weight.
I did have a dream about a week ago though. I dreamt that I was looking at this little 2-3 year old girl who had red hair but my color of skin (olive). She was beautiful. In my dream I knew I was a foster parent to her. All of a sudden while staring at her I got this overwhelming feeling of wanting to adopt her. I remember thinking "this is my daughter, I want her to stay". So in the middle of the night while it was raining I call my agency lady and tell her "I want to adopt her". She tells me "this is what you called me for at 2am??" I said "yes, she is my daughter, I want her". So the lady goes on to tell me we will fill out paperwork the next day.
I can't explain the feeling I got after that (in my dream). I remember thinking "this is my daughter, this is what I've been waiting for, FINALLY". I just felt peace in my heart. It was sweet. I woke up smiling.

Aaron and I had actually be toying with adoption lately. Not anything deep or serious but more of "maybe". He says he knows we'd love an adopted child as our own (which is one of my secret fears). We've just been randomly talking about options but again, nothing serious until next year.

The funny thing is I get the reenrollment info on Aaron's health packet and lo and behold the adoption reimburesment has now increased from $5K to $10K in 2008. I am not sure if I ever updated but the HR lady I was talking to about increasing the IF coverage ($10K lifetime max) did finally give me an answer and it was a "no". A nice "no" but regardless it felt like crap. I still have some coverage though but I decided to change over to the other insurance company that dh's company has. If I am not mistaken, this other plan will cover 90% of IF treatment regardless if it is in or out of network which in the plan I have now does 90% in network and 80% out of network. If we do IVF again, we will switch clincs and might end up traveling so I think this is the best choice.

I have been feeling stressed about my sister being due pretty much any day now. If I think about it too much I cry so I just don't think about it. I am so scared of how I am going to react when I finally meet this little guy. I know I will love him but OMG I think I am going to break down. My other sister's friend also is due any day now and it stings.

**major venting ahead and just want to get this off of my chest, please, do not get offended**

I don't know if any other ladies out there that have had a m/c can relate but I often wonder why them and not me. I mean, what is so special about their babies and not mine?? Why did they get to carry to term and my baby died at 9 weeks?

I struggle with this thought everytime I see a pg woman or hear about somebody being due. I would never wish a m/c on someone but I just wonder what makes them so special....


It's going to be a hard holiday this year because last Christmas, I was pregnant. I had already planned for this Christmas and how our baby would had been 4 months. It's going to suck big donkey balls especially if my sister and new nephew are around. *sigh*
I will make it through though...

Love you ladies!! Please, give me updates on any old friends of mine!!

Heeeeeeellloooooooooo!!!

Just wanted to let everyone know (if anybody is still reading my lame blog) that I am alive! Hanging in there and getting ready for our getaway next weekend!!! YAY!

Nothing else new unfortunately. I miss everyone (FF!!) and I hope everything is good in your end. Drop me a line to update me!!

I am having withdrawal symptoms. My FF subscription was up yesterday and I didn't renew- for now. I will be back but since I am not ttc right now, it's best if I stay away. Reading about all the ivf's and fet's give me the itch so I figured I put my focus on something else. So for now I am on my runboard bg's, perezhilton (hehe), hotmail, and the local news. Feels weird because I LIVED on FF but I will get used to it.... NOW FOR MY LP GIRLS, WHAT HAPPENED?? I've been wanting to check in the buddy group but I can't get in to LP aka "the dark place or other side"?? Anybody want to give me some hints? It keeps saying it's down!

This week has been good. I've been keeping up with my exercise and my good eating habits. On Saturday night we went to a b-day surprise party for my sister's fiance and I just felt so confident. I bought me a nice fitted shirt to wear and I wore my skinny jeans (which are starting to fit me baggy!!!!) and some nice gold wedge shoes. I wore my jewelry, nice smokey eyes, shiney lipgloss and nice straightened long hair. I think I got about 5 compliments!!! Of course Aaron was all about "you look sooo sexy" then the fiance's family who I haven't seen in a while told me that I looked like I was losing weight-that BOTH of us looked like we were losing weight. Then fiance's aunt told me I was looking so good and that I looked tall and thinner while she looked shorter and fatter. lol Then my mom came up to me afterwards and told me that I looked like I was getting thinner. I said "I am trying". So of course that blew up my head (in a good way) and motivated me to keep going.
I have some short term goals. I am waiting to lose another 10lbs so that I can treat myself to a nice cute haircut. My hair is getting LONG so I need to lose those 10lbs!! Then for my cousin's quinceanera, I bought me a BEAUTIFUL dress. I had bought a cute cocktail dress but I fell in love with a gorgeous Tadashi gold LOOOONG dress that I saw online. I actually saw the new Jenny Craig chick wearing a maroon one. It's the commercial with her and Kirsty Alley by a big cake. Anyways, I don't know her name but she is an actress and was married to a rocker. Well I LOVED that dress. I found a similar one but of course at Nordstrom's and it was $500!!!! I ended up searching and searching and bought a brand new EXACT dress at an Ebay store for $300! That is the most I've ever spent on a dress (except my wedding dress of course) but I just had to have it. Plus, it's a very good way to keep me motivated. I HAVE to lose weight to wear that dress. The party is on November 3rd so it's getting close but I am working hard. I hope I feel comfortable enough to wear it then.
I also had to go get my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding. I bought it a size smaller but I am hoping that by Dec. 8th, THAT size will be too big and I will have to have it taken in even more. I can't wait!!!

Aaron and I are doing good. We are the closest we have ever been. We are more honest with each other than we have ever been. We have been having some GREAT AWESOME loving that just rocks my world. :) We are planning a getaway trip to South Padre Island in Oct. We are both excited about that. We are attending a "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference over there. I've heard and read nothing but great things about this conference. We will leave on a Friday morning, go to the beach then go to the conference. The next morning we have another class and that night they give us the night off for "date night". Then Sunday morning we have some more classes and then we come home. We are thinking about heading to Mexico though for the day/night then coming back on Monday. I love to shop and eat over there!! We'll see though.

I had been struggling these last 2 days though. My mind was a little off and I broke down both days. This past Sunday we had to put my 10 year old dog to sleep. We've had her since she was 5 years old. She had a back problem about a month ago. We took her to the vet and we were told she had a ruptured disc. She went paralyzed from her 2 front legs. The vet suggested surgery but for $5K, we couldn't do it. She said we could try steroids but that we would have to watch her very carefully. We did. I faithfully gave her her pills in the morning and at night. Aaron and I took turns in taking her outside. She had to be carried as she was not allowed to move. I kept her in a small crate as ordered by the vet. That was for 2 weeks and by the end of it she was FINE!! She was walking fine, even would try to run but we would stop her. About 4 days past after finishing her meds and I was going to take her to the vet this week. Well on Sunday we got home and everything was normal. She was fine. I was watching TV and Aaron had just went outside to cut the grass. I heard her scream LOUD. I looked at her (she was right there by me) and her little leg looked like it was cramping up. I thought she got a charlie horse since she is old. I called Aaron in and by the time we got back in she was on the floor on her side. She pooped and peed on herself. Aaron said "babe, I think she went paralyzed". I told him no she was just fine. Turns out she did. He felt all her legs and even pinched them (that's what the vet does) and she felt nothing. I was bawling. She tried to pick up her little head but couldn't. I just still can't believe how it happened!!! I was right there! So then she starts breathing very slow and shallow and we both thought she was dying. I think really it was her being freaked out. Aaron ended up taking her to the vet. We knew what was going to happen. The vet (different one) suggested surgery again but said that it probably wouldn't do any good because the disc had now affected her spine too much.
Aaron decided to put her to sleep. She had lost all control of everything. I didn't go as I couldn't. It would be too hard. Aaron said he wasn't going to be there when it happened but at the last minute he couldn't leave her all alone. He said she kissed him like she always did and he petted her and told her what a good dog she had been. He said he was bawling. The doc then gave her a shot and she went to sleep. I was at home crying. The thing that kills me is her looking at me. When I said my goodbyes, her little eyes just looked at me like "what is going on?". She had no clue and that makes me feel so guilty. But I knew that was the best thing for her. I just can't believe she is gone. The house feels so strange without her. My other dog (also a dachshund which scares the crap out of me since 2 out of 3 dachshunds that we've had had this happen to them) seems a little sad even. She mopes around at times but at least she has Toni (our cat) to keep her occupied. They get along GREAT and they wrestle and run around the house like chicken's with their heads cut off. If it wasn't for Toni, she'd be very lonely.
I miss my little old lady. I used to call her that. I miss her laying by me but I know that she is better now. She was just the sweetest dog ever and I will miss her greatly.

So the feelings of loss came up with Zoe and then that got me thinking about the m/c. So odd. It just brought back all these feelings I have with losses in my life. I just felt so funky. I am better now though but still, these 2 days were a little harsh on me.

That's all that's going on with me. Just taking it one day at a time trying to better myself.

So I was abducted by these mean aliens and I just got home. lol

Sorry, no excuse!! I haven't checked in, in a looooong time. SORRY!!!

Oh and I wanted to mention something, since it bugs me. My blog name is "my belly is NOT empty". Well, you might ask, why did she name it that??? Well I didn't. I orginally named it "my belly is empty" but then I got pg. I changed it to what it is now and when I changed it, it screwed something up where people couldn't access it. Well then I lost the baby and I never changed it back. Oops. But I will leave it that way to not cause anymore confusion. Hopefully one day, my belly won't be empty for at least 9 months!

Which brings me to the point of this post. I am NOT ttc right now. I know I was all hyped about my upcoming FET which by the way, I just realized I'd be starting Estrace just about now. But instead, I have NO clue what is going on with my body. I am cd31 and no sign of AF. But what is new??? I haven't got AF w/o provera in over a year probably.
I just realized (well, I've known all along but didn't want to look into it too much) that alot of other areas in my life had been neglected. First and foremost, my marriage. I realized that Aaron and I are in 2 totally seperate worlds. Through all this ttc crap, IVFs, and the miscarriage, I've somehow managed to be defined by these chapters of my life. Thats who I've become. A woman who is sad, bitter, miserable and doesn't care about anything BUT this. My husband is there for me but can't really reach in anymore since I won't let him or I don't want him to because he just doesn't get it. He's a man who is married to a bitter woman. He is a man who comes home to a woman who is just unhappy. It's NOT fun to be with somebody who is unhappy. I know that firsthand because Aaron is unhappy with me. We had fun and all but deep down, I knew he was unhappy with me. It's a big circle. KWIM??
Good thing is we realized it. Bad thing is it something BAD for us to see it. And it took us almost seperating and me contemplating a divorce. YUP. All this in the last 2 weeks. There are other issues of course since it's not always one thing but I truly believe that this point of view on life that I have or had, was and is the culprit to why we were screwed up.
Aaron and I are FINALLY on the same page. From what I see and observe in him, he is just as willing to make this work and maybe a bit more than me. He wanted to keep going in our ttc journey but since I am unsure of things, I thought it was best to take a break. I am not unsure of my marriage (maybe a little bit) but more just unsure of what is going to happen. You know, that I don't want to get back to that place where I was mad at the world. So for now, no ttc, no FET, no IVF, no urologist, no acupuncture, and no meds. I cancelled our urologist appt, I cancelled my acupuncute sessions and instead made an appt with a marriage counselor and have us going to a Weekend to Remember conference in Oct. It feels "weird" not to try but it actually feels GOOD. VERY good.
I am also working hard on my health. I am losing weight! YAY!! To date I've lost about 10lbs but 15lb in all. Yay!! With all this marriage crap I did get off the bandwagon but I am back on full force. Also, Aaron is with me. He's lost about 15lbs too. It's great. It's like I realize that I do have a life and that it's worth living even under my circumstances. I used to feel that I just couldn't live w/o ttc or w/o being pg but I am proving to myself that I can. I do want to get pg and I do want to have a baby and I think that deep down I truly believe that I will one day but for now, I need to prepare for that very special day. I need to make sure everything else is all good. I need to prove to that future baby that they were worth the wait. No matter how long and no matter how hard, it was all worth it. And to be worth it, everything in my pre-baby life needs to be good and ready to go.
I am not sure when I will start back up again. I would really like to wait until next year. My sister is getting married in Dec. and my other sister is having her baby in Nov. (which by the way, it STILL hurts) so it's going to be a busy holiday season for our family this year. I don't want to put a damper on things with meds, bfns or the "let's walk on eggshells, DIANA is here!" mode on our Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family has also paid a price so I want to make up that time with them.
Don't think that I think it's bad to feel the way I do. I don't. I have a right. I've had a rough year. I've been actively ttc for over 4 years now (but not preventing for over 5 so my heart has been wanting this for a LONG time) and have submitted to ivf as a resort. I had my dream of 4 years, yanked out me just like that. I do have a right to feel down, let down and unsure of what to do. But it's not those feelings that are the poison. It's what I do with those feelings. It's how I am letting those feelings over take me like a vine on a wall. Those feelins run me and define me and everybody around me has to pay. It's okay that I have down days and I will have them but I will cry and lean on Aaron or my family and keep going. I will keep my spirit of fun Diana, the one who people love to be around. The girl who makes jokes and people love. The one who is strong and bold. The one who keep's striving and knows that one day this struggle will be over. The one with not only happiness in her soul but true JOY. I want JOY in my life again, in my marriage and in myself. Not just happiness that lasts in day spurts but JOY that lasts throughout my lifetime.

I will keep going on this blog. I mean, I will ttc again. And of course, I have that little secret feeling of *hope* that we'll be one of those "got pg during ivf break" cases but of course that's all it is- "HOPE". It won't be stopping my life it will be just in the back of my mind. And if nothing then Aaron and Diana will comeback at full force sometime next year ready to get those twins we want. lol

I do get that fear in my mind of I am wasting time but I keep telling myself that I am young. I am 28 years old and according to my RE my eggs are good besides the PCOS. But with PCOS, the health thing is good for that so its a win-win situation. Plus, it's not like I am going on a 4 year break. But yeah, it's a little scary to not try. lol But again, it feels SOO good.

Why is it that when I am not cycling I don't have anything to say?? Well I made it a point to come here and just write anyways.

Acupuncture has been going good. I did my 2nd one yesterday. It was nice and relaxing EXCEPT when Aaron was trying to call me TWICE while I was laying there with the needles intact. I was getting pissed!! But its my fault for forgetting to not turn it on vibrate. I was much more relaxed yesterday then I was the first time but thats understandable.

Exercising is going good. We can't start our memberships until Aug. 27th so we have been going to the track every morning. I am tired but I make myself. I like the track but I cannot wait until we start the gym. I am just sooo excited and so motivated. So unlike me! lol Eating has been going good too. We had our little cheat day yesterday as it was my dad's b-day. Sunday is supposed to be the cheat day but since we knew we'd do something with my dad, we were good on Sunday and then splurged on Monday. It was okay. I felt gross eating "regular" food if that makes sense.
Then Aaron decides to brag about him weighing himself. Okay, show me! Well he did. He has lost like 10lbs in only 5/6 days. WTH??? He is not starving at all because I actually got on to him about eating so many snacks (lol). He is working out like me in the mornings but he walks/jogs/runs while I just powerwalk. I plan to weigh myself tomorrow and now I am terrified. I am jealous of Aaron and his stupid metabolism. I know its just water weight but still!! I want to lose 10lbs in 5/6 days. It reminds me of that commercial with the stick people where the husband is losing weight and getting skinnier and skinnier while the wife is griping at him for losing so much while she only loses a little bit. It always makes me laugh. Hopefully I've lost some weight. The scale will probably say I lost a stupid pound or whatever. Boo. But I am still proud of myself. I haven't "cheated" besides yesterday on our appointed day. I am happy and feel better just for being proactive towards my health.
I've also picked up Omega 3-6-9. There has been some rampage on FF about this but I am taking it as I hear omega fatty acids are good for eggies. Since I was told my eggs were crappy this last cycle I decided to add some kind of supplements to help with that. Omega 3-6-9 fit the bill so here I am swallowing 2 horse gel pills. YUCK. I bought them at the vitamin store and thank GOD that they had lemon flavor. Of course, instead of the famous fish burps, I am burping up LEMONS all day. Not so bad compared to fish but still.. yucky! Who wants to feel like they've drank 6000 gallons of lemonade?? So now I've been taking them at night and it seems to help.

I guess thats it. We are waiting on the urologist office to call Aaron. The woman there said that for fertility patients they will give them a sooner date of appt and that the nurse would call but we haven't heard from them yet.
I also haven't heard from the insurance lady with Comcast. I am giving her until Monday then if no reply I will email her. I am nervous to hear what she says and have been thinking about it. Hopefully its something like "well Diana, lets see... we've approved unlimited IF coverage INCLUDING ivf and iui". HAHAHA!! I wish and I hope!!!

Thanks for the comments. Ya'll are the BOMB! It's amazing how you women are so much more involved with me in all this ttc crap and my sadness of my loss then my own family!!
Besides Aaron, nobody remembers this date. I guess I understand. I mean, I am sure I probably wouldn't remember someone elses est. due date unless they talked about it all the time, and I don't. Well I do here!!! :) But not in real life. Nobody knows how sad I really am besides Aaron. I blame it on my pride!!! Is it hispanic pride or what? I don't want ANYBODY feeling sorry for me. I hate that! Especially women. I have a REAL problem with that.
At church, I don't open up about this at all. I don't cry when I am praying or tell others to pray for me. I just don't want any women (fertile women) saying "oh poor Diana, she can't have babies". I open up to my family sometimes but rarely. Again, I don't want them to feel sorry for me or see how bad it really is. Does that make sense?

On a brighter note.. today has been good amazingly. I woke up thinking about today but the last 2 days have been harder. I had been crying myself to sleep and waking up sad but last night I was okay. I told Aaron yesterday or the day before that the 16th was coming up. I said, I would had had a baby in 2 days. He said "no, you probably would have had him today or tomorrow". UM?!?! WTH kind of response is that?? Geez! I asked him to please not say that because that made me sad. He is a dork!! Did he actually think that would make me feel better?? Anyways... back to today! I decided yesterday to make today a new beginning instead of a sad ending. I have been wanting to focus on my overall health and I planned to start hitting the gym again next week. Well I told Aaron that I wanted to start today. This morning. I thought it would be really nice to start a new fresh beginning on the day that was going to be awful to me. Well the gym doesn't open back up until Aug. 27th so the track had to do. Aaron has decided to join me and we've decided to eat good and exercise as much as possible. I want to have lost 12lbs by my FET which will be the end of Sept or the beginning of Oct. I am excited!!! Aaron put his goal to 15lbs!!! I am sure we will reach our goals!!
I am also going to try to get my emotions back in shape. I need to get positive again. I mean, I've been dealt a hard hand here so I am not going to be in la la land playing Candy Land or anything but I can try to be more positive. I can try to be hopeful again. I did manage to be a mommy even if it was only 9 weeks but I was a mom. And when I think about that I get goosebumps because how many times did I cry thinking I would never ever ever get pg. But I did. So I am going to hope and believe that I will get pg again. I will see those 2 pink lines again. I will get a ++ beta again and *hopefully* this next time, I will get to bring a baby home. Or even 2 babies! I am believing again.
My body needs some TLC as my emotions so that is my main focus. Of course, so is my FET coming up. I am really hopeful and feel good about it. Doing acupuncture and getting my body better is making me feel like I am being proactive. Aaron joining me is a bonus!!! If that FET doesn't work hopefully with a better healthstyle and some new vitamins, his spermies will be good enough for IUI. Can you tell I am really trying to dodge the IVF#3 bullet??? I will hopefully!!!!!

Appropriately, it's raining here. Its all gray and sad looking outside. I say appropriately because it IS a sad day. It is a day that hurts and watching the rain outside my window reminds me of my baby and it makes me feel like the sadness is around me, if that makes sense? It makes me feel good that even the weather feels sad that my baby didn't make it here to Earth. Lord knows that my baby would had been a hit here on Earth!! Oh the great things he would have accomplished throughout the years. I am sure he is doing GREAT things where he's at right now though. I am sure of it.

So the rain will stop and then the sun will come out eventually. Gives me goosebumps!!! The sun will come out again one day. Every rain drop that has fallen today is like every single tear I've cried since 1-8-07, the day we didn't hear our perfect little babies heartbeat again. But one day the tears will stop. One day, my tears will be replaced with utter joy. I know it. I know it in my heart. Now I just need to figure out how to get that day to come faster!!! That's the hard part. The waiting of all this!!

Well I've survived so far this week.
Yesterday was my follow up. I had a list of questions which RE did great in answering. He didn't mention donor anything so YAY! He did mention that my eggs weren't as hot looking as they were the first time around. That isn't good. He said that Aaron's sperm were not very motile but that it's okay with ICSI. I mentioned how I am not doing another ivf this year. He just sort of giggled. I told him it was too much for me and that I wanted to do FET. He told me to just call when I get AF when I am ready. I mentioned IUIs. He said that with Aaron's numbers we could be okay to try a couple. He said that this last sample (for ivf) would NOT have been good enough for IUI but the first time around would had been. I believe he had about 3-4 million motile sperm. So we asked about a urologist that Aaron could go see and we got one. I will look him up today. I told him that I wanted to get into shape by next ivf. He said that was good. The healthier, the better. I totally agree. RE also mentioned to Aaron that the healthier the better. Overall, he doesn't think there is something more out there. He just said that this cycle just wasn't as good as that first one. My eggs weren't as good. I did admit that I didn't take my metformin religously like I did the first time around. I mean, I took it but I forgot alot of the morning doses. He told me to take it all the time. He said that he has hope for us. He doesn't think we are hopeless at all and that he has seen other couples like us achieve their baby.
I came out feeling good not depressed. I came out feeling ready to get myself back and into shape. You know, focus on myself. I know I will do the FET in Sept. but it just isn't the same as ivf. IVF takes everything out of me. All my physical energy, my emotions, my heart, my mind, my body, even my marriage. I am ready to take a break from it. I am young still and why not take the time to get our bodies better prepared? What if we could do IUI? How awesome would that be? Or if this FET works?? How great would that be?? No more IVF! Oh what a dream!

After that I went to my very first acupuncture session. I wanted to at least try it. It went good. I actually did enjoy it. She mentioned my spleen because there was a needle on my leg that HURT. Not stung or burned but hurt like a bruise. She said it was my spleen and that that causes and inadedaquate supply and imbalance of blood. It sounds weird but I am going with it. She asked if I bruise easily, I said YES! I do! So she said that what we are doing should definately help my lining out.
Yesterdays session was to clean me. She said I might bleed a bit more this AF but so far I haven't. AF is actually gone. I noticed this time around that she was very light. Too light for after IVF in my opinion. Maybe my lining wasn't too thick??? I just expected alot of heavy bleeding and instead I got 2 days of medium flow. I never have AF like that!
Anyways, I have my next session next Monday and I'll continue to go every week until transfer and if PG I will probably keep going for a while. It's nice to be trying something different.

So that was my day. My night was not so good. I couldn't sleep last night. I was crying alot and Aaron had no clue. Or maybe he did because he held me until late last night. I looked up at the alarm clock and it was 3am! I just want this week to be over with. It's getting harder and harder to focus as my est. due date gets closer. Once its gone, then life can go on but for now, I feel like I am counting down the days and hours and minutes.
Oh and I guess AF won't be here for est. due date. Finally something in my favor.

I believe AF is here. I started to finally spot yesterday and today it's a bit more. How ironic! I will probably have AF on my "would had been due date". Ah, God has a funny sense of humor doesn't He?

Not sure if I've updated but on Monday I have my follow up. I am anxious about that. Then that evening at 6:00 I've bit the bullet and have an appt at a acupuncture place. This is my first time ever doing it so I am a bit skeptical but in general I've heard great things about acu so I am willing to try it. Supposedly it will help me 1.) relax 2.) thicken up my lining 3.) reduce stress. I've decided to do it along with my FET protocol. I am excited. That means I will have about 7-8 weeks worth of acu by my transfer. We'll see how it goes.

That's it. This week will just be funky. I have been crying alot though but I guess it's expected. I just can't believe that I'd be going into labor soon. So weird. So sad. I shouldn't be having AF you know, it should be mucuos plug or whatever kind of bleeding you do (bloody show) right before you deliver. It's just so sad. What I would give to have that baby in me RIGHT NOW.

Wow, I am sorry that you get brushed off. I really thing God had something to do with AT LEAST her taking the time to read and responding. It's just so funny that she struggled with IF herself.
I also received a phone call around lunch time from HER boss. He wanted my dh's name. When I first told Aaron about what I was doing (emailing HR) he did tell me not to mention his name as he didn't want them to ask him or whatever but I had to give it to that boss as I am not the employee. I called my dh and he was like "huh?". I did ask the boss if I had gotten Aaron in trouble (by emailing the HR myself instead of him) and he assured me that no, my husband wasn't in any trouble. They had to put this inquiry in my husbands name as he is the employee and not me. So Aaron was fine about it. I reassured him that they weren't going to put it in the Comcase Newsletter or anything. lol I guess he is a bit embarrased of his coworkers finding out but they won't. I guess it just goes on file.

It's a long shot but I am willing to try it.

I just had to come and share some exciting news! Now, I know this could mean nothing but what if it made a difference?!?!?!!!
Well Aaron and I have been talking alot about what is next blah blah. I thought I had it all planned out until I called my insurance company to see how much of my $10K Infertility maximum have I used. I thought it would be around $4K with about $6K left towards my next IVF. WRONG. I am at $6K already! Plus, once I do my next FET I will probably be up to around $7K!!! That means I will only have around $3K left to go towards my next IVF. If you know anything about IVF, that is NOTHING.

So that made me all nervous. Aaron says we could save up for it which is fine but it made me panic as I might have to wait a bit longer.

Well I've been looking at jobs with coverage, looking up different stats, different websites, etc. I read about a woman who wrote her HR person and even met her in person about this very same situation. They didn't have ANY infertility coverage so of course, hers is much more needed but she made an impression. The HR woman is taking it before her staff and going over. It could mean nothing but at least they HEARD this woman wanting coverage!

So that inspired me to do a little research. I found a wonderful sample letter from the INCIID website that you can send your HR dept explaining how covering infertility expenses will not make that much of a difference in the cost of insurance, etc.

The funny thing is I researched to find who the HR person was for Comcast. Aaron told me of the woman who is head of benefits here in Houston. I tried emailing her but it came back as a failure to deliver. So I decided to look for myself and found the VICE PRESIDENT of the entire HR for Comcast. It didn't come back so I wondered if it got through. I also wondered if they would just delete my email.

I added my own touches to it and here it is:


Dear __________:
My husband has been an employee of Time Warner/ Comcast for the past year.. My spouse and I are suffering with the disease of infertility and request that you consider raising the maximum of infertility treatment in the Comcast health benefit package.
Often employers believe that adding an infertility coverage benefit will increase health care costs. However, recent studies indicate that including comprehensive infertility coverage in a health benefit package may actually reduce costs and improve outcomes.
For example, a recent employer survey conducted by the consulting firm William M. Mercer found that 91 percent of respondents offering infertility treatment have not experienced an increase in their medical costs as a result of providing this coverage.
As also proven in the following studies, the perceived cost of infertility treatment is typically overstated.
Often patients select treatment based on what is covered in their health benefit plan rather than what is most appropriate treatment. For example, a woman having trouble conceiving because of blocked fallopian tubes or tubal scarring may opt for tubal surgery, a covered treatment, which can cost $8,000 -$13,000 per surgery. Many patients are forced to forgo in vitro fertilization (IVF) because it is not a covered service even though it costs about the same as tubal surgery and statistically is more likely to result in a successful pregnancy.
According to William M Mercer, "The decline in use of high-cost procedures like tubal surgery would likely offset the cost to include IVF as a benefit and provide improved health outcomes." (William M. Mercer, Infertility as a Covered Benefit, 1997).
In states with mandated infertility insurance, the rate of multiple births is lower than in states without coverage. (New England Journal of Medicine, "Insurance Coverage and Outcomes of In Vitro Fertilization," August 2002). Couples with insurance coverage are free to make more appropriate decisions with their physicians based on medical necessity rather than financial considerations which often result in multiple births and a high rate of complications during and post-pregnancy.
Comprehensive infertility coverage may actually reduce premium expense by as much as $1 per member/per month. According to The Hidden Costs of Infertility Treatment in Employee Health Benefits Plans (Blackwell, Richard E. and the William Mercer Actuarial Team, 2000), insurance premiums now indirectly provide coverage for "hidden" infertility benefits such as surgeries to remove scarring in the fallopian tubes for women or varicose vein removal for men, were calculated to be adequate to cover more effective and often less expensive treatments such as ovulation induction, intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization.
The cost of infertility services as a percent of the total health premiums went down after the 1987 Massachusetts mandate. (Study by Griffin and Panak, Fertility & Sterility, 1998).
According to a 2003 Harris Interactive Poll, 80% of the general population believes infertility treatment should be covered by insurance. (Harris Interactive Inc., Survey, 2003).
In vitro fertilization accounts for less than 3 % of infertility services. According to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), 85%-90% of infertility cases can be treated with conventional medications. (ASRM website, Quick Facts About Infertility).
Currently with the insurance we are paying for (Blue Shield PPO), we have a $10K maximum. Although we are very happy that we have some coverage, the maximum is low. When my husband worked for Time Warner we had 3 in vitro fertilization cycles covered but lost that benefit when Comcast took over. With Comcast’s $10K max, we have done 1 in vitro fertilization cycle (which did not work) and we are already at $6K. Both my husband and I have medical reasons for the need of in vitro fertilization. We are feeling frustrated because we just want to have a chance to become a family of 3.
Please let me know if you would like any additional information on this issue. I hope Comcast will consider raising the maximum of infertility coverage and support our family building efforts. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Diana


This is what she wrote me back:


Dear Ms. -
Thank you for getting in touch. I have read your email and I am reviewing the issue with my staff. I have personal experience with the what you are living with, and I have the greatest empathy for you and your husband.
I do not want to give you any false hope, but we will review your request. I will be in touch with you in a couple of weeks wth a formal response. Thank you for taking the time to do the research.
Sincerely,
C


WOW, is all I can say!! Again, this could mean nothing but they HEARD me!! And to top it all off, she has had infertility so she must have a soft side towards this issue!!!!! I am just happy today that my voice was heard. Of course, I am praying like mad that they can raise our max. because I know I can't be the ONLY woman involved with Comcast that is dealing with infertility and this $10K max. I truly hope that this can make a difference for me and for others that are in mine and Aaron's situation.

Okay so today I finally cried. Only for about 5 minutes but still it felt good.

Other than that I am okay. I was a bit pissy today though and I guess I have the right.

I wonder what RE will say. I hope he doesn't bring up donor sperm since dh's guys didn't look to good. Aaron and I have talked about it but I don't think I am okay with it. He has said if if came down to it that he would consider it but I am just not comfortable with it. I don't know why.
I have pictured mine and Aaron's children since the day I fell in love with him. I always daydream about how my son will look like his daddy, his smile, his hair, his talents, his goofiness. It scares me to have to give that up. I know I'd love a baby no matter where he/she came from but its that bond that I want between my husband and I. To know that we made something together and know that that child will have part of me and part of him. I am just not ready to give that up. That's what made me cry today.

Also on Friday night (after I found out sister's baby shower was Sunday), I totally had a breakdown. I mean seriously, a breakdown. I was crying and just hypervenilating. Aaron was freaked out but it started with him and I arguing. I guess I'd argue with anybody that day so it wasn't him exactly. I just felt so much pressure and so much anger that I had to let it out. I cried and cried. The baby shower, my sister, the m/c, the suspected ivf bfn just came falling down on me.

Once it was over Aaron told me we'd do everything possible. I think he is really starting to get concerned.

Anyways, maybe that is why I was okay yesterday and why I've only cried 5 minutes since getting bfn. I guess I let it out on Friday. Anybody else feel this way sometimes? Like you physically can't take it anymore??? Or am I a drama queen??

Well I've also been looking for accupuncture around here. Aaron isn't very fond of me doing it but hey, for my last FET I want to do something different. Hopefully I have enough time. I will call them some more tomorrow. It's very expensive and I have no discount (I thought I did with my insurance) but I am sure I won't regret it. Especially if it gets me a bfp, right?

I am also confirming my coverage with IUI's. My clinic's financial rep said I had unlimited IUI's. That sounds great but today I called my insurance company to check how much I've used out of my $10K max and I am already at amost $6K. That is including the FET back in March and this past IVF. Sooo I really really need to make sure that IUI won't fall under that $10K max. I need to save what I can from that for our next IVF. If the IUI's are seperate than we will do those after FET (if needed of course) to pass the time and to hopefully dodge that bullet. All this financial crap has me a bit stressed but we'll figure it out!