Yeah so after that I never did see AF again. lol So random...
Nothing new to report. I'm just enjoying the craziness of the holidays. I've shed a couple of single tears here and there (single because I don't let myself cry for more than just a moment) but that's to be expected around Christmas, ooooh and Easter, and Mother's Day and Father's day and my birthday.
Aaron and I chatted the other night about treatments and such and we're still not 100% there to start tomorrow but sometime in 2009 I shall start. I really would like to wait until my 30th
b-day in May so that I can still enjoy these last few months of being a crazy 20 something yr old.

I just wanted to share something that I posted on a forum that I visit/lurk in. My mind feels cramped and fuzzy right now thinking about the ivf wagon but what can I do. No miracle pg occured so most likely we'll be on that same yellow brick road soon enough.

After doing the last fresh cycle I decided to quit infertility treatments. My marriage was in shambles, I was hanging on to my sanity by a thread and I just wanted to run. I've been on break since Aug. 2007. Since then I've lost 35lbs, partied it up with my friends again, went on a REAL vacation with my hubby, and have just been happy and content being a young sassy sex-in-the-city type of gal. My marriage is doing so much better interestingly after changing MY attitude.

I still don't go to baby showers, hold babies or hang out with pg women. The only baby I can tolerate (annnnd gawd I love him so much) is my nephew. And yes, I still secretly hoped for a miracle but atlas, why would I even think it could happen?

Anywho, I told myself that when I turned 30 (in May) I just *might* go back to trying. Maybe. Well what do you know? The strings are tugging for some reason and I'm feeling that anxiety again. I am in the beginning of desiring this again. It started about 2 months ago and I somehow managed to tell myself to get over it. But it's back this week. So I'm thinking that maybe subconciously my body is realizing that it's almost my b-day and therefore it's time.

I'm so scared. Just thinking about it, makes me shiver, makes my belly flop, makes me anxious and makes my heart hurt. The way I am now (or before 2 months ago) I didn't feel that. I didn't have to face it therefore I was fine. If I start IVFing again, there goes my life. Because when I want a baby, I WANT IT and get so determined. I give myself to doctors, needles, u/s, meds, etc 100%. And that's fine but I'm just so scared of failing. I'm terrified to do another IVF or another FET and see a negative on an hpt. I'm scared of it all especially if I end up with empty arms.

Sometimes I rather live my life with never knowing if it would had worked than knowing that it didn't. At least in my own way of never knowing, I had hope. Which is so unlike me because in everything else that I do, I live my life with NO regrets. Thiis regret though, just might be worth it.

I'm just rambling but I'm just hoping that I'm not alone. That's another thing, I hate how IF and IVF make you feel so alone. IF is so hush hush already but put IVF in the mix and you might as well be a leper! Has anybody taken a long break? Did you feel this way? I just keep thinking I should be excited and hopeful but instead I'm thinking these next procedures will just be more confirmation of what I fear the most.

HOLY MOLY!! NO I'm not pregnant!!! But this is VERY exciting news to me...

I just got AF!!! ALL ON MY OWN... I know it's been almost a year w/o AF but the reason why I celebrate (in the midst of horrible cramps and all) is because I OVULATED dude. On my own!! ALL ON MY OWN!!! Almost 2 weeks ago here is what happened and I had NO clue...

I was soooo soooooo horny. TMI, I know but after being pretty prude the last month, it had me concerned lol. I didn't know what was going on but I went with it. Hell, who wouldn't???

I didn't really pay attention to my CM but I did notice it. I noticed how "wet" I was for a couple of days. Still NO CLUE.

A couple days later... my nips started to HURT. And I mean huuuuurt!! I was confused. It bothered me to sleep on my stomach. I was very concerned after it didn't go away.

A week later.. I start being hungry and having food cravings. My back starts to hurt, I'm emotional. By now, clues are starting to look suspicious. I have the weird who's my baby's daddy dreams that I believe were caused by me stressing about this all.

And now with AF in da house, I can countdown the days and sure enough, about 13-14 days ago was when the clues started. Sounds just about right. LP has always been good when I've managed to be "normal".

I took no Clomid, no Soy, no nothing. I did nothing. The last time I ovulated on my own, seriously was when I was about 18 years old. NO LIE!! Because after that, I was on depo shot. Then I got married and the whole ttc nightmare began. I charted religiously for a couple of years and NO sign of ovulation ever. The only time I saw that line go up on my chart was when I was on Clomid or doing IVF.

It's a MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sooo soooooo happy! And no spermies got through but OMG I had a real chance!!! Woohooo!

Yeah, the fever is definately back. ;)

Well it's official... I have been ONCE AGAIN, bitten by the baby fever. *sigh* (not a good sigh either!!!)
It's been a year and a couple of weeks since deciding to take a break. I thought the break was only going to last until the new year (2008) but indeed it was longer. I'm proud of my break though! It was sooo much fun while it lasted. And it's still not technically over. We have a cruise coming up in November along with the holidays. I'm pretty sure no treatments will be done the remainder of the year but 2009 is near and I'm itching!!!! I've already been researching!

What started the damn itch? Well apparently a crazy psycho thought came up that actually pissed me off at first. My nipples started ACHING over a week ago out of the blue. The only times I get achey nips are when I'm ovulating (have to be on meds to ovulate), pms'ing or when I was pregnant. I haven't had AF since October 2007! YEAH, that's right! Since almost a year ago. I haven't even worried about it though honestly. This is the longest I've gone w/o AF but WHO WANTS AF TO COME?? (besides those stupid fertile teens/women that are crossing fingers to NOT be pregnant?)
Soo back to achey nips, they started to hurt bad along with me majorly breaking out, remembering how errr... hot to trot I was about a week or so before the achey nips so my delusional mind went THERE. THERE meaning.. OMG, could I be PREGNANT?!?!?!?! Now, as you are cracking up at my thoughts, in my defense, I did NOT want to be pg. Haha, funny huh? Yeah, not wanting a big belly just yet, so I thought. So I was freaked out, angry and scared. How could it have possible happened NOW after all this time?? Didn't seem possible and NO I'm not pregnant right now. I have no earthly idea what is going on but the anger/fear and freaking out made me question myself. Why? Why do I feel this way?
Well apparently, it's my defense mechanism. I don't want to desire a baby because then I'll go back to being a desperate, crazy, depressed, obsessed, bitchy, bitter, unnatural woman. Right now I'm fun, funny, happy, loving life, all the "natural" woman (women who have their perfect little houses with their perfect little kids but feel like they lost their freedom along the way) want to be ME, and last but not least.. I'm feeling secure. So to me, ttc equals all those negative traits I was able to overcome a year ago.
Again, back to achey nips. So then I started having dreams!!! HAHA, you laugh again, don't you? Yeah dreams I was pregnant. Well both were of me taking a HPT and I knew I was pregnant on one of them and the other I saw the HPT turn positive. The kicker was I didn't know who my baby's daddy was?? Hmm... I giggled at that btw! So the out of the blue nips and dreams etc... scared me but at the same time, something started to rise up. And as much as I tried to stop it, I couldn't or wouldn't. Who knows. Maybe I think it was "time" to start back up? I don't know but here I am. The desire is here once again. I am not the bitter/obssessed lady just yet! YAY!!! And I'm going to try my hardest to fight at least THAT. I want to be a HAPPY infertile!! (***sprinkle glitter and butterflies here***) We'll see how long that lasts eh?

So my plan is to... enjoy the rest of 2008. Get back on my strict eating better/exercising more routine. Enjoy my cruise!! Enjoy Christmas!!!
Once 2009 rolls around we'll start talking business. The plan is definatly to go back for my last 2 frosties I have from my very first IVF. Get those in my BELLY!!!! If no luck, more than likely a fresh IVF with a new doc. I'm still trying to decide on the new doc though.

I don't want to get impatient. I was telling Aaron that the bad thing of getting the desire back is you want a baby NOW. And I'm infertile. It doesn't happen NOW. And we all know that fertility treatments don't happen NOW. It takes months to prepare for an IVF cycle. And every step of the way is waiting and more waiting. So I might as well put on my big girl panties on because with us being in September... I have a while to wait. Then wait more and a bit more.

I just wanted to update! I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!! ;)

August. Many things happen in August. My dad's birthday is in August. I was married in August so we celebrate our anniversary and many other joyous occasions. But since January of 2007, August has become a bittersweet month. Almost 2 years later, yes, it still affects me. Almost 2 years later, yes, it still hurts. Almost 2 years later, yes, I definately still remember. August 16th... What a beautiful day that would had been for us. (or a bit before or a bit after) Last year on that date, it rained while I cried. The weather matched my emotions. I loved it. It was a beautiful gloomy day. Very appropriate for the mood. This year, it rained AGAIN. Out of nowhere came the rain. Again, I cried and the rain comforted me. Is someone telling me that it is OKAY to feel sad? To feel heartbroken and let down? That it's okay to STILL remember? I think so, or at least, it comforts me to think so.

Dh stayed home with me that day. He usually works on Saturdays but he went ahead and took it off for me. He held me in bed and we talked about what could had been briefly. We headed out for what I decided to do in remeberance of my short lived mommyhood time. The best way to describe what I did was I needed to feel like this baby would always be with me no matter what. That baby was my first BFP. If I ever get to experience that again, still, this baby was my FIRST BFP! My first u/s. My first experience at being a mom even if it was for a very short period of time. So it's a big deal to me and forever will be! Sooo I went downtown and got a tattoo. Now mind you, I had been thinking of this tattoo for over a year now. I just needed it to be perfect. I needed to make sure I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted it to not be a sad tattoo but a tattoo of rememberance and of hope for whats to come. I wanted it to be somewhere on my body that didn't seem sensual. I wanted it to be a happy site that would make me smile. I decided on a shooting star. A shooting star lasts only a bit here on Earth. In a blink of an eye, it's gone. But something wonderful comes from a shooting star. You make a wish! A shooting star makes us smile. A shooting star brings us hope! I put my birthstone color (emerald) and baby's would had been birthstone (peridot) on this shooting star. As I sat there looking at the rain, getting the shooting star put on, happy content tears came. Finally I have something that reminds me everyday, that YES, baby existed. Sometimes I swear it seems it was a dream or nightmare depending on how I feel. Sometimes I feel that baby was forgotten by everybody but me. This tattoo is with me forever and it will remind me of that baby that was here for just a second in time. And instead of looking at the experience as the end, I will look at it as a beginning. A hope. A wish. And here it is... My new tattoo.

The color isn't too great on my camera phone!!

We aren't trying to conceive. We haven't since that last IVF and it's been just fine. The life I've been living brings my happiness. It brings me joy. Finally, I feel something else then feeling broken and defected. HALLELUYA! How liberating...

In less then 3 months we are taking our FIRST real vacation in 7 years! Putting off vacations was a natural reaction when ttc. We're both very happy to finally make a decision of where to go, and following through with it. Ahhh how nice it's going to be to relax. We're so excited!

Other than that, just been hanging out really. I'm making new friends. I'm not discriminating now if they have children lol. We go out for drinks or for a night of dancing. Soo much fun! I'm still working it out. I haven't lost more weight really (35lbs down) but I feel great!!! I'm trying harder now that we are close to cruise time.

Who would had thunk it? That life can actually be FUN!?!?

It seems I come here to bitch and moan only. I'm back again. I could just scream right now. SCREAM ON THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.
My coworker which I have befriended and went out with... just announced her pregnancy. JUST RIGHT NOW. I didn't even know what to say. All I said was a very sad and fake congragulations. I am just in shock I think and omg the waterfalls will start once I get home. I have been dealing with other's pregnancies in a safe matter but now I will have to deal with this shit EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is just fucking unbelievable. I don't know what I'm going to do about this. I just feel like I could suffocate. Um yeah, and she started ttc in March. Can you say FERTILE????

I JUST woke up. It's 1:05pm. I woke up because Aaron was calling.
I hate this day. I thank God for my mom, I do. BUT this day revolves around women who have children. If it's not enough to always feel left out at parties, get togethers, and other social events because all women talk about are their children, then imagine THIS DAY.

I just got a call though from my cousin who is a bit older than me. She is now divorced but was married to her dh for about 10 years. They tried and tried to have a baby and never conceived. They did several IUI's (his sperm was fine) but all were negative. She has endometroisis. Anyway, she called me asking me how I was. She said we had something in common today. She cried. I cried. And I thanked her for calling me. It meant the WORLD to me. I feel so special. Somebody UNDERSTOOD my pain. I just wanted to reach through that phone and hug her. Such a sad reason to feel so close to a loved one. But hey, it's nice to know you aren't alone.. when you feel that you are.

Sooo I feel like saying SCREW IT. Here it goes. I once was a mom you know! :

Happy Mother's day to ME.... You would had been the best mom. You loved baby more than anything. You would had fed him, dressed him, bathed him, comforted him, provided for him. You would had cuddled him, went jogging with him, took him sight seeing, and never regretting your choice of becoming a mother.

Yeah soo...

As I sit here typing this I am PISSED and crying.. So unfair!!!

My neice (on dh's side) is pregnant. She's 16/17. I can't believe this.

WHO THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO TALK TO, TO GET PREGNANT AROUND HERE?????????

The Man upstairs is getting this all screwed up. Seriously. That baby should had CAME to me damnit. There is a girl at my church named the same as me. She has a baby that is not even a year old.. She's about 6 months pregnant. Again, that baby should had CAME to ME. Maybe He got our names mixed up somehow????

Somebody is screwing me over, I swear. This fucking sucks.

HOLY SHIZ-NEK!!!

I haven't been on here for the loooongest! I apologize to anybody that has come to check on me. Thank you so much for caring... :)



Lets see.... where to start... Well I've still been doing my healthier lifestyle. To date, I have lost about 33lbs. YAY!! *pats herself on the back* I can officially wear junior sizes again! Yay!! My hips were usually to wide for junior sizes.... I feel GOOD although I'm still not where I want to be but take another 20lbs and I'm good to go.

We've officially booked a cruise, FINALLY! We've been wanting to go but because of TTC or IVF, we've postponed or better yet I have thought, well what if I'm pregnant?? Etc.. etc... But I haven't been bound by ttc recently.

What else?? Dh and I, are doing well. Quitting the meds and ttc, and feeling better about myself has improved my attitude thus our marriage. I didn't realize how much my attitude affected us until NOW. I'm glad that we took a break when we did.

I wanted to just send a message to Lunarmagic.... I *think* she read my blog before but I remember her clearly from FF and LP.
I just want to send out my condolences to you!! I cried when I read about you. I have no words to even *try* to make you feel better but just know that I am thinking of you...

NO TTC AS OF YET.... :)


Any updates!????! Please please please update me on anything new!! Don't leave me out ! lol

Byeee my friends!!! Love you all!

So yeah.....

Sorry once again!!!!

The holidays were good. I was pretty sad as Christmas came up. I cried alot. I vetoed Christmas and had NO motivation for a tree, for shopping (WHOA!!), for decorations, for stockings, for nothing. I kept thinking how last Christmas I was the happiest most content woman on the face of the earth and how this Christmas I was the most depressed. A year made a HUGE difference. 4 days before Christmas I tell myself to go buy a tree, decorate it and see if that makes me at least a little happy.... it worked! I snapped out of it and made the best of Christmas. I got awesome gifts and just didn't focus on what could have been. I just wished I would had had my baby to take pics with, to dress up in a Christmas outfit and to just be thankful for. Baby would had been around 4 months. I remember that so well because the moment I found out I was pg last year, I quickly figured out the days and months for the upcoming holidays. Sucks now though.

We then went to pick up my sister the day after Christmas Day. We drove all the way to El Paso!!! LOOOOONG drive- approximately 12 hours!! I was nervous and excited. I was scared a little too of what my reaction would be when I met my nephew, also seeing my parents as "grandparents" for the first time and seeing my sister as a "mommy" which I sooo desperately wanted to be.
It went fine. Better than fine actually!! I saw Gabriel and I fell in love. I love him soooo much that I can't keep my hands to myself when I am around him. I love it when he cries, I love it when he coos, I love it when he looks at me. I just love him. Deep down I do wish my baby would had been here to meet his cousin and I think it would had been fantastic for them to be only months apart but I try not to focus on that. My nephew is gorgeous and I am thankful for him. I guess it was the pregnancy part that bothered me the most about my sister. Once the baby was actually here, can't help but to want to hold and kiss him.

Well that brings me to the new year. That was great! We spent it with our family and our church.

The new year has been wonderful so far. I will tell you why.

I was supposed to start estrace this month when af arrived. Well no af thus no estrace. I've been really really thinking about this ttc crap and once again, I have NO energy, NO desire, NO motivation, NO nothing to get back on the crazy train of IVF (sorry my IVF girls!!). None whatsoever. I've made a HUGE decision of NOT moving forward with FET or IVF#3. I've decided to depart from this road for now. I can't even describe what I feel. It's freedom, hapiness, self love, hope and exitement all rolled into one. I will be 29 this year in May. I am young although I know I am not 21 anymore. BUT.... I've wasted too many of my BEST years on this ttc crap. I will never get those years back. I've been a depressed, moody, angry, resentful, self destroying, hopeless, faithless, sad, sad, sad BITCH for almost ALL of my 20's!!! Almost all of them!!! Now I see that it's far more depressing to think of all those years wasted. I know I can't rewind time but this is my last year of being in my 20's. I'll be DAMNED if I go into my 30's the same. No ma'm!! I told my bff that this year, we are living it up! I am back on track on losing more weight (I gained 3-4 lbs over the holidays! DOH!), I've been going out dancing with my friends, having drinks, not worried about dates or appts. It's just been glorious.
I told Aaron and he was fine (I am sure he was RELIEVED haha!) with it and told me that if that's what I want then go for it but to not do it because I am scared. He told me that having a baby was the desire of my heart and to not let it go.
I am not letting it go. I will have children. Whether biological or adoption but I will be a mother one day. That gives me great comfort. I will go back to ttc full force when I turn 30. I just need this year to be wild, to be myself again and to regain the confidence as a woman that I have lost over these last 5 years. It's been that long girls. I got married at 21. I started ttc (no protection) at 21 1/2 -22 years old. I went to 1st RE because I had been charting for a while. I was 23 or 24 years old and freaked out with talk about SA and HSG! I took a break for a year at 25 years old. I came back full force and started different RE at 26 years old. Started IVF treatment in 2006. WOW..... You see how my life has been defined by this??? It's just sad. How could I had neglected my marriage and myself for so long? I guess when you want nothing more than to have a baby it takes you over like a fast growing disease. There is no cure for it and you can get so wrapped into it that you forget about everything else.

My wish is for those that are ttc (especially my IVF girls) to reach their goal. I wish awesome text book ivf cycles with awesome eggies and great sperm which make PERFECT embryos. I wish that you will get a bfp and that you will have a beautiful long awaited baby in your arms (or 2!! hehe). Keep hanging in there as long as you can.
But if you are burned out, well then I invite you to join me on the break side. It doesn't have to be as long as mine but breaks are good. If you've lost yourself in the middle of treatment then find yourself once again. Find your strength (because IVF takes strength!!!) and your faith once again. Wipe your brow and when you are ready jump back in.
It's a tough journey, I know but in the end, whenever that will be, will be totally worth it.

For now, I am leaving my mommyhood dreams behind and will be working on becoming a sexy moma inside and out. hehe It will be good for me, my husband and of course, that baby that I still dream of.

I will come in and check in every once in a while. I will not be joining FF obviously. Being there gives me the evil itch so I need to stay AWAY. lol Keep me updated though because I love hearing the success stories on all of my old friends. Keep in touch and know that you are all strong, amazing women in my eyes no matter how low you feel. YOU ARE.

Okay, so I didn't puke for THAT long!
Anyways, blech on that piece of crap woman. Just blech.

Well for the last 2 days the toilet has been my bestfriend. Yay! Welcome back to Metformin land. Haha. That's as far as my ttc attempts are going for right now.
Did I mention I called my RE and set up my FET for February?? I will call them once I get af end of December or beginning of January. So I should have my transfer sometime in late January or early February. Not too excited about it but gotta do what I gotta do. I no longer see these treatment cycles as a "this one is it!" kind of thing but more like "oh no, here we go again". That's sad huh? I am about 97% expecting a bfn and about 3% expecting a bfp. (gotta have SOME hope, right?) It's easier that way.

I don't even want to think of what is going to happen after FET! Ugh!!! I will be shopping for a new RE and it just drains me thinking about it!

I did get 2 information packets on adoption. One from the state and one from an agency in Houston. Again, sounds like a huge hassle too!! Either one (new RE with bfp or adoption success) will be worth it though...

My sister's wedding is getting THISCLOSE. Omg! I am excited, nervous and scared all at the same time. I called my sis to make sure she is okay. I remember those days... very stressful. I remember crying and my mind racing 100 miles an hour. I wish I could had been rich to hire a wedding coordinator. Supposedly, she is fine. She is just getting the last things done. I am SO jealous she is going away on honeymoon/ vacation. I know I just went away to the beach but she is going on a cruise! Waa! I wanna go!

I noticed yesterday after taking some headshots of myself (I was bored) that I am definately tan, at least my body is but my face now seems too light for my body!! lol I swear I looked as if I photoshopped my head onto a body in some of the pics. Does anybody know how to fix this? I was thinking of using a bronzer or maybe even self tanning lotion on my face. But that would be scary!! Think of what could happen? I am not sure if I should be experimenting a week before the wedding but I surely don't want to look like a bobble head.

No other news on this block. Holidays are creeping up fast huh? I decorated the inside of the house (except for the tree) with all the cute decorations and wreaths and little trees. In one of the boxes I found a teddy bear that I saved from last year. I won it at church and everyone said it was perfect for me because I was pregnant. It was! I knew it was meant to be when I won it. Well sometime after Christmas I put it up thinking it would be neat to find it next year with my baby in my arms. *GULP*
That stung BIG time!! No baby in my arms, just a little brown polo teddy bear. How sad is that? This sucks...

"OMG" is all I could say when I read this about 30 seconds ago!!!

Zeigler is jailed in solitary confinement due to concerns that publicity of the case could cause other inmates to retaliate against him.
Trenor's attorney said she is jailed in a medical unit because she is pregnant.

These are the same people from the article I posted yesterday!! SHE IS PREGNANT!?!?!?!! WTF?????????????????????????????????????????????????

I am going to puke... be back later.

Ugh. I am so sad. My heart feels broken for this little girl. I just can't believe there are people (more like ANIMALS) that are capable of doing this to a human, nonetheless, a child. Our city got a little attention through this, definately not the attention us here in Galveston would like though...

GALVESTON, Texas - A woman believed to be the mother of a 2-year-old whose body was found in Galveston Bay told police she and the girl’s stepfather beat and tortured the child to death, court documents show.
The details, in a statement Kimberly Dawn Trenor gave to police, paint a chilling picture of the last days of the girl investigators called “Baby Grace” as they worked for weeks to learn her identity.
Investigators are awaiting DNA test results but said Monday they are “fairly confident” that the body a fisherman found in a plastic box Oct. 29 is that of Riley Ann Sawyers. Trenor, 19, and her husband, Royce Clyde Zeigler II, were in custody on charges of hurting the girl.

“It was a few weeks ago I held up this little shoe and asked, ’Who is Baby Grace? Who does this belong to?”’ sheriff’s Maj. Ray Tuttoilmondo said at a news conference. “We’re now fairly confident we know the answer to that.”
An autopsy revealed three skull fractures, but the cause of death has not been determined.
Tuttoilmondo said he could not discuss details of the little girl’s death, but Trenor said in her police statement, first reported by Houston television station KTRK, that she and Zeigler, 24, killed her July 24.
The girl was beaten with leather belts, had her head held underwater in a bathtub and then was thrown across a room, her head slamming into a tile floor, Trenor said in the document. She said they kept the body in a storage shed for one to two months before they put it in a plastic bin and dumped it into Galveston Bay.
Trenor’s attorney, Tom Stickler, said she has cooperated with authorities. He declined to comment about her statement to investigators.
'No doubt' on ID“But from what she said, there is no doubt that the girl found is Riley Sawyers,” Stickler said.
Trenor and Zeigler were arrested early Saturday and charged with injury to a child and tampering with evidence, Tuttoilmondo said. Bail was set at $350,000 each. The couple’s next court appearance was expected to be scheduled on Tuesday.

Royce Clyde Zeigler II is the boyfriend of the dead girl's mother.
Wendell Odom, Zeigler’s attorney, declined to comment on the case except to say Zeigler grew up in Spring, about 75 miles north of Galveston, and works as an instrument technician in the oil industry.
Trenor and Zeigler met a couple of years ago playing an online game, World of Warcraft, and she moved with her daughter from suburban Cleveland to Spring in June, Stickler said.
Riley’s paternal grandmother, Sheryl Sawyers, hadn’t seen her granddaughter in months when she saw a police sketch of “Baby Grace.” Thinking it might be Riley, she called authorities in Texas.
'Resting peacefully'In Mentor, Ohio, on Monday, Sawyers wiped away tears at a news conference and held up the Elmo doll she had already bought Riley for Christmas.
“It’s hard to think that I’ll never see her again,” she said.
The Sawyers family’s attorney, Laura DePledge, said they take comfort in knowing that the girl is “resting peacefully and is no longer subject to abuse.”
DePledge said Trenor and Sawyers’ son, Robert Sawyers, also of Mentor, had been high school sweethearts. Sheryl Sawyers said she has not seen Riley since the girl and Trenor moved to Texas.
Robert Sawyers, who works in an auto-parts store, was never married to Trenor but lived with her and their daughter in his parents’ home for about two years. He and Trenor split up after March 31, when he was charged with domestic violence against her.
DePledge said there was insufficient evidence to support the charge, which was reduced to disorderly conduct. Robert Sawyers is now married and has a 3-month-old son.
Riley “had a very big imagination for such a little girl,” he said of his daughter. “She could play with anything and have fun with it.”
Tuttoilmondo said Trenor had told relatives that someone claiming to be a social worker from Ohio took the girl in July.
Tuttoilmondo said investigators became emotionally involved in determining the little girl’s identity.
“Any way you look at it, we carry a piece of her with us and will always carry a little piece of her with us,” he said. “She’s still our little girl.”


This just fucking disgusts me. Pardon my language but it just sickens me. My GOD, here the hell I am crying and asking for a kid while these fucking animals KILL their's. I just can't understand. I don't understand. Why not give this little girl to someone who would have treasured her. Why not send her off to her grandmother's. Why not use some damn birth control???
This morning I was on my way to work and I heard this song (before I knew about the conclusion of Baby Grace) and I laughed at these lyrics. I thought, hmm, I need to post that song on my blog. I loved this song back in the day and although I don't here it much today, when I do, I turn it up loud and JAM out.
Here are the lyrics:

I had visions, I was in them,
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories,
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes(But no one ever does)

I'm not sick, but I'm not well
and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee,
Goddamn you


I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin, to live so well


wanna publish 'zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind
Mind...

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles
Diggin' big holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!


I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live this well



Anybody else LOVE this song??? It's great!! I bolded the lyrics that made me laugh earlier. Then I get here to work and read the conclusion of baby Grace and OMG... the lyrics are not as funny anymore, more sad to me. I just don't get it. I do believe God knows best and that He is wise but this I don't understand. I won't get all deep and try to find out why because I probably won't get an answer but my goodness... This just makes me want to crawl in bed and cry.

Happy Thanksgiving Week!!
Love the food, the spirit and the unity of family during this time. It's just a warm holiday.

I am officially an aunt. My sister was admitted on Thursday at 6am but didn't have Gabriel until Friday NIGHT at around 6:20pm. She wasn't progressing on her own so doc broke her water and that's when everything finally started to move forward. All of a sudden she dialated to a 4 then a 7 then a 9. I called my mom that evening around 4-5 (I kept calling every hour or so) and I told her to call me when she was going to have him. She did once but the doctor wasn't there yet so they told her to wait for another 20 minutes or so to start pushing. By now, she was a 10. So doc gets there and my mom called me. I told her to put the phone down so I could listen and I got to hear everything. I heard her push for a while then finally I heard some racket going on and her pushing and a little weird noise that sounded like a little cat or something. I was in the walmart parking lot crying with emotion. He weighed almost 7lbs. He is short but fat. He is a cutie. My mom brought back a video of him and I can't wait to see him. As soon as he was born I felt an overwhelming feeling of love for him. I just couldn't help but to be excited to have him here. All day long I had a sad feeling that my sister was going in labor and I wasn't. But I guess his presence took that away. Now that he is here I can't wait to hold him and to cuddle him. I guess it was the pregnancy that hurt me or made me jealous. He on the other hand, is my blood and a BABY. I might not ever want to let him go.
My sister is doing well. She said it was the worst pain of her life. But my mom says she is adapting to motherhood pretty well. We were all nervous about that. lol

On another note, the bacheloretter party was a blast! We had 10 girls. Good food, frozen margaritats and lots of naughty games. My sister had fun and although I spent waaaaay too much money on that night, it was worth it.

We went dancing. I haven't went clubbing in years but it was a special occasion. I kept drinking (3 shots, 5 fruit drinks and 2 margaritas) and couldn't feel a thing. So I thought I was fine. Then all of a sudden I was like "WHOA". I felt the room spinning and I danced my butt off. OMG... I was silly!

But we had fun. My sister wore her bachelorette crown and sash so we had all kinds of congragulations and dances etc.

I felt like crap the next day and the next. I am barely feeling better today.

I am sooo happy that we have Thurs-Sunday off. Woohooo!! LOVE long weekends.

So if I don't get to post again, Happy Turkey Day!

Sooooo I've been totally researching adoption although I am still learning. I've gone back and forth!
It's weird because about a year ago or even 6 months ago, when I thought of adoption, I literally would cry even almost gasp for air. It was like my VERY VERY last resort. I would start feeling like I was going to freak out or have a temper tantram as I'd tell God "Please God, please!! I don't want to have to adopt". It was like I couldn't even imagine myself having to adopt.
Well here I am researching and learning and asking for information packets. Yup, I have 2 being sent my way. Now, I know IF we did adopt we wouldn't start paperwork until the end of next year or even 2009. But I can't believe that this woman who is entering "domestic infant adoption in texas" or "christian adoption agencies" or "foster to adoption programs in texas" is ME. Wow!! I keep going home and just telling Aaron "Let's just adopt, let's forget about ivf, iui's and fet's.. let's just be parents". Surprisingly, he is about 80% on board. He still wants to "try" as do I but I really feel like adoption isn't my last resort, it's another option I can take towards parenthood.

Who knows what this life has in store for me. I never imagined that I'd get pg one day, to see those beautiful pink lines (even purple as I got further along) but I did. I never thought I'd do IVF but I did, 2 times. I never thought I'd EVER consider adoption but I am and very seriously.

So the reason for my post... Time changes all. Time changes one's belief's sometimes, even one's morals. Time changes the hurt after a heartbreak. Time changes love into deeper love or no love. Time changes our physical bodies from great tight beautiful skin to old and wrinkled skin. Time changes our goals, our dreams. Time changes our positions in the world, we move up on the ladder or sometimes move down. Time changes all. Time changed my mind, my belief, my desire.
Time wasn't all. My desire to be a mother is so strong that it is overcoming my biggest fear of never having biological children. That desire has overtaken me and now, it's not so bad if I never experience pg. I mean, I WANT to but so what if I didn't. So what?? The moment I hold my child in whatever way he/she comes, OMG... it will be a "FINALLY" moment. I am not going to think about how this child isn't my blood or is my blood, I am just going to think "FINALLY".
Just like in my dream!

I've decided to start Estrace sometime in January. I need to call my clinic as the time approaches. I want to do FET in February. Not sure why but I do. I haven't even told Aaron yet lol. He is getting ansy though too about all this which has helped me alot to not feel so alone. Aaron used not be so vocal about children maybe because he didnt' want to talk about it or maybe because he just didn't want them that bad but if you hear him now, wow, time changes all!! I'm telling ya! It's crazy...

Well sending out thoughts and prayers to Amy's trio!

Yello!! (I meant to say YELLO!)

Wow, I am so excited for my friend AMY (hey Amy)! She got some great news today and I am just giddy for her. Makes me want to be doing IVF! (where the hell did that come from??? lol)

My parents left for El Paso last night. We traded vehicles as mine is more economical. My sister is being induced today so her little one should arrive today sometime. Hopefully sooner than later as I heard that she was freaking out. I am excited yet nervous, I feel a tad of jealousy because I know a special bond will take place between this little boy, my parents and my sister. I guess I feel that I should have had that bond with them first and I would have if I hadn't lost my baby. *sigh*
Yeah, anyways.........................................

Ironically my uncle passed away this morning too. My dad did travel twice to see him so that makes me feel better. I am just very sad for my dad. My mom said he was very down but that he is better now. I don't know what he is going to do because of my sister being in labor. At least he'll feel some joy today with the baby.

I also got a call from my cousin about her sister. Turns out there's been a major family problem and I am feeling stressed about it. I hope that my cousin is okay. I am praying for them and for the situation but I am still worried about it.

It's been a rough day so far.

Oh and I had to tell my boss about that document that wasn't done. She asked a bunch of questions and said to leave it there with her. I am nervous about it but it's done and over with. At least I am in my office now which is not in the same location as hers. I just hate being there in person with her when she is stressed or angry. She is a VERY intimidating person. Very nice but can come off as mean. Does that make sense??

Then I think I picked up a virus or spyware on my computer at home. First I got some ads then I decided to BUY one of them (winspycontrol) like a dummy and it turns out it's fake and it puts MORE spyware!!! I am out $49.95 PLUS I have all this crap on my computer. I have NO idea how I am going to clean it. I've tried spybot and now am trying superantivirus and adware but don't know if they will work... UGH.. I can't believe I was so stupid and didn't google that stupid software first!! If anybody has any tips, please help. I am not using my computer at home for now until I get it cleaned...

Just realized this post has been about complaining. lol Oops!

So now with my cousin's problem I am not sure if her or her sister will come to the bachelorette party on Saturday. That means I will have to buy more stuff as they were going to help me with some of the costs. Double *UGH*.

Well folks, that's it for now.


Oh and also one of my buddies from FF had her baby last week so CONGRATS TO GLORIA!!! I am sooo happy for you. I wrote Denise to tell her to send you some love from me. I can't wait to see some pics of little Brennan!

I haven't been feeling well lately. I thought I imagined some spotting the other night and I freaked out because well... That would make me a 28-29 day girl which I have NEVER been. But af didn't come although I am feeling rather pissy so it might be she is just around the corner which would SUCK because I have plans this weekend.

I am throwing my little sister a naughty bachelorette party this Saturday. I have all my games, the decorations and her gift ready to go. All I need now is the food.
It should be fun and we should all have a blast. There will be frozen margaritas so yeah, at least we'll be feeling good. I am not sure if we are going out afterwards (doubt it) but I might gather up my girls and go with them. My sister will most likely go home but I might want to keep the party going... we can still have the bachelorette after party even without the bride, right??

I haven't been working out lately and my eating isn't perfect although it isn't horrendous like it used to be. I need to get back on it. I haven't gained but I haven't lost so I need to straighten up. My goal is to lose another 10lbs before my sister's wedding which is quickly approaching.

Yesterday I spent most of my workday (HA!) looking up foster/adoption and private adoption. I've really been researching lately. It something I never thought I'd come around to but I also thought I'd never do IVF (it was only for desperate crazy women!!), put egg whites in my hoo-haa, take vaginal temp every morning, roll around the bed after bd'ing because I read it worked for someone, etc. It seems that everything I say I will never do, I end up doing. How is that? Anyways, yeah. I've been reading alot. I contacted the HR president again for Aaron's job and asked for more information on the adoption reimbursement. She emailed a nice summary and it does sound pretty good. We are eligible for up to $10K in reimbursement for EACH adoption. Wow! (now why couldn't they increase my $10K LIFETIME max on IVF again?? Ugh) Sooooooooo this is GOOD. Real good. I read a lot on foster to adoption programs but there are risks that I don't think I can do. I read on domestic infant adoption and that seems to be what matches our needs the most. I always said (when I started thinking of adoption or when I'd hear a story of adoption) that I would ONLY do closed adoption. Now that has changed. I think I'd do semi open adoption. I also thought I might want only an infant but I might just be open to a child up to 3-4 years old. There are so many things to think about and fortunately I have until next year. I just like to get head starts. :)

I will probably do my FET sometime VERY soon. Maybe in January or February. I want to get it over with. Isn't that horrible?? I already feel that it isn't going to work. I guess all the bfn's have stayed with me. We'll see.... I am sure I will get more excited as the time approaches but for now I kind of wish I could skip all this bullshit and move onto adoption. Yeah, I cussed. Man I am pissy today!!!

I've been slacking at work too. I just don't feel like doing anything......PLUS, there is this one thing that my boss is going to have a heart attack about. A document that wasn't completed back in January! Yup, a year ago!! She is going to chew my booty out. Oh well, nothing I can do about it.

So that's whats going on on my block!

Hello!!

TGIF right?? Can you believe it's going to be Thanksgiving in less then 2 weeks??? OMG.. where did this year go? I swear I feel older every minute.

Last night we went to a Toby Mac/ Barlow Girl concert!! OMG it was sooooo much fun. I have tons of pics and the best part- we were in the FRONT ROW baby!!!!! Right smack in the middle. It was one of the most awesome experiences I've ever had, really! By the way, he is a CUTIE! :) He sang all these jams and then he did a little "let's go back old school" and he did remixes of old disco songs. OMG, was I dancing. Hehe, the whole concert was recorded live for a DVD coming out next Easter so hopefully I got my 15 minutes of fame on there, I should had since I was RIGHT there.
All my pics are great. I might post some here later on. Once, he knelt down on one knee and he looked right at me (I was right there in his face) but I swear we locked eyes for like 30 seconds and then he did it to my little cousin and he gave Aaron a high five. BOoo because I reached out my hand but he didn't give me a five. :( But it was GREAT. We had a blast.
Barlow Girl was good to although we've seen them before but it they jammed too!

I spoke to my sister last night. Turns out, the doctor would have induced her this Saturday but she thought about it and decided to wait it out one more week. She is 38 weeks now so the baby would be fine but she is worried that she is forcing him out when he isn't ready. So she says she will probably go in on the 15th, Friday and be induced then. She'd be 39 weeks. Remember, my OTHER sister is getting married Dec. 8th so my mom has been talking to my PG sister alot about dates since my mom is going to go and stay with my PG sister after baby comes. It's getting hard for her since the 2 important dates are so close.
And his name will be: Gabriel Antonio. Now, I don't like Antonio too much (her husband picked that name out) but I LOVE Gabriel. I never really thought about Gabriel (as a baby name when I look at names) but when she said it I loved it! Little Gabriel.... I am excited but I've noticed that it's stressing me out. I guess I am just wondering how I will react but I know in the end I will be fine. Time will tell.

Tomorrow Aaron is taking out my sister's fiance. They are doing a "clean, fun" bachelor party in where they are going to a HUGE laser tag, pool, arcade place and eat pizza. Then they are going to wrap a friend's house... lol They are crazy!

Then on the 17th, I am throwing my sister a bachelorette party. It's naughty themed so everything I have (paperware, napkins, decorations, etc) are all PENIS genre. There will be like 8 girls and we are just going to have a blast. I have some naughty games, margaritas and fun planned for the night! I can't wait!! It will be my first time hosting a bachelorette party so I want to make it FUN and something people will remember, especially my sister.

Then tomorrow I am having a fall party for my sunday school class. I have all these games, food and activities planned.

I feel drained when I think about everything I have to do and it is making the weeks go by SO fast. I guess that's good so these holidays won't seem boring and sad. That's the last thing I want.

So yup, that's my upcoming schedule. *sigh*
Oh and this time last year, I was doing IVF!!!! Wow, I can't believe it's been a year already since I stepped into the glamorous, fabulous life of the ivf'ers. Shouldn't I get a prize for it or something?? Like a baby or at least a lousy t-shirt???? You know, "I did 2 IVF's and 1 FET and all I got was this lousy t-shirt..." Wouldn't that be a hoot??

It's been another while huh?? lol
Sorry!

So much has happened then again, nothing has happened. My sister's wedding is like a month away! I can't believe it so close. My other sister should be having her baby in about 2-3 weeks!!!

I am doing okay. I have been really focusing on my health and today (I weigh myself every Wednesday morning) I hit my 20lb loss!!! Woohoo!! I can't believe it. I don't feel like I've lost so much but I think it's the denial of thinking I wasn't that fat. Yeah right. I've been working out hard though. I've been eating SO much better. I've been tanning. I've been dressing differently. I feel better about myself everyday.
Aaron has lost about 30lbs himself! But he gains it back SO easily so he is working hard too.

My cousins quinceanera is this Saturday. I had bought a GORGEOUS dress to wear but unfortunately, I still don't fit into it. So I went out and bought me another GORGEOUS dress to wear. lol Aaron also got him some nice dabs so we will both be looking hot and classy on Saturday. I can't wait!

TTC... hmmm. What is it again?? J/K! How can I forget?!? Well that's still on hold (unless we somehow create a miracle here) but we've been talking. Aaron has REALLY started to talk about children. We've taken out our little god daughter and out of the blue while holding her he will say "I want a little one". Our deal still exists that we won't do anything or go into deep decision making until next year. I can't handle that right now plus I really want to lose more weight.
I did have a dream about a week ago though. I dreamt that I was looking at this little 2-3 year old girl who had red hair but my color of skin (olive). She was beautiful. In my dream I knew I was a foster parent to her. All of a sudden while staring at her I got this overwhelming feeling of wanting to adopt her. I remember thinking "this is my daughter, I want her to stay". So in the middle of the night while it was raining I call my agency lady and tell her "I want to adopt her". She tells me "this is what you called me for at 2am??" I said "yes, she is my daughter, I want her". So the lady goes on to tell me we will fill out paperwork the next day.
I can't explain the feeling I got after that (in my dream). I remember thinking "this is my daughter, this is what I've been waiting for, FINALLY". I just felt peace in my heart. It was sweet. I woke up smiling.

Aaron and I had actually be toying with adoption lately. Not anything deep or serious but more of "maybe". He says he knows we'd love an adopted child as our own (which is one of my secret fears). We've just been randomly talking about options but again, nothing serious until next year.

The funny thing is I get the reenrollment info on Aaron's health packet and lo and behold the adoption reimburesment has now increased from $5K to $10K in 2008. I am not sure if I ever updated but the HR lady I was talking to about increasing the IF coverage ($10K lifetime max) did finally give me an answer and it was a "no". A nice "no" but regardless it felt like crap. I still have some coverage though but I decided to change over to the other insurance company that dh's company has. If I am not mistaken, this other plan will cover 90% of IF treatment regardless if it is in or out of network which in the plan I have now does 90% in network and 80% out of network. If we do IVF again, we will switch clincs and might end up traveling so I think this is the best choice.

I have been feeling stressed about my sister being due pretty much any day now. If I think about it too much I cry so I just don't think about it. I am so scared of how I am going to react when I finally meet this little guy. I know I will love him but OMG I think I am going to break down. My other sister's friend also is due any day now and it stings.

**major venting ahead and just want to get this off of my chest, please, do not get offended**

I don't know if any other ladies out there that have had a m/c can relate but I often wonder why them and not me. I mean, what is so special about their babies and not mine?? Why did they get to carry to term and my baby died at 9 weeks?

I struggle with this thought everytime I see a pg woman or hear about somebody being due. I would never wish a m/c on someone but I just wonder what makes them so special....


It's going to be a hard holiday this year because last Christmas, I was pregnant. I had already planned for this Christmas and how our baby would had been 4 months. It's going to suck big donkey balls especially if my sister and new nephew are around. *sigh*
I will make it through though...

Love you ladies!! Please, give me updates on any old friends of mine!!

Heeeeeeellloooooooooo!!!

Just wanted to let everyone know (if anybody is still reading my lame blog) that I am alive! Hanging in there and getting ready for our getaway next weekend!!! YAY!

Nothing else new unfortunately. I miss everyone (FF!!) and I hope everything is good in your end. Drop me a line to update me!!

I am having withdrawal symptoms. My FF subscription was up yesterday and I didn't renew- for now. I will be back but since I am not ttc right now, it's best if I stay away. Reading about all the ivf's and fet's give me the itch so I figured I put my focus on something else. So for now I am on my runboard bg's, perezhilton (hehe), hotmail, and the local news. Feels weird because I LIVED on FF but I will get used to it.... NOW FOR MY LP GIRLS, WHAT HAPPENED?? I've been wanting to check in the buddy group but I can't get in to LP aka "the dark place or other side"?? Anybody want to give me some hints? It keeps saying it's down!

This week has been good. I've been keeping up with my exercise and my good eating habits. On Saturday night we went to a b-day surprise party for my sister's fiance and I just felt so confident. I bought me a nice fitted shirt to wear and I wore my skinny jeans (which are starting to fit me baggy!!!!) and some nice gold wedge shoes. I wore my jewelry, nice smokey eyes, shiney lipgloss and nice straightened long hair. I think I got about 5 compliments!!! Of course Aaron was all about "you look sooo sexy" then the fiance's family who I haven't seen in a while told me that I looked like I was losing weight-that BOTH of us looked like we were losing weight. Then fiance's aunt told me I was looking so good and that I looked tall and thinner while she looked shorter and fatter. lol Then my mom came up to me afterwards and told me that I looked like I was getting thinner. I said "I am trying". So of course that blew up my head (in a good way) and motivated me to keep going.
I have some short term goals. I am waiting to lose another 10lbs so that I can treat myself to a nice cute haircut. My hair is getting LONG so I need to lose those 10lbs!! Then for my cousin's quinceanera, I bought me a BEAUTIFUL dress. I had bought a cute cocktail dress but I fell in love with a gorgeous Tadashi gold LOOOONG dress that I saw online. I actually saw the new Jenny Craig chick wearing a maroon one. It's the commercial with her and Kirsty Alley by a big cake. Anyways, I don't know her name but she is an actress and was married to a rocker. Well I LOVED that dress. I found a similar one but of course at Nordstrom's and it was $500!!!! I ended up searching and searching and bought a brand new EXACT dress at an Ebay store for $300! That is the most I've ever spent on a dress (except my wedding dress of course) but I just had to have it. Plus, it's a very good way to keep me motivated. I HAVE to lose weight to wear that dress. The party is on November 3rd so it's getting close but I am working hard. I hope I feel comfortable enough to wear it then.
I also had to go get my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding. I bought it a size smaller but I am hoping that by Dec. 8th, THAT size will be too big and I will have to have it taken in even more. I can't wait!!!

Aaron and I are doing good. We are the closest we have ever been. We are more honest with each other than we have ever been. We have been having some GREAT AWESOME loving that just rocks my world. :) We are planning a getaway trip to South Padre Island in Oct. We are both excited about that. We are attending a "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference over there. I've heard and read nothing but great things about this conference. We will leave on a Friday morning, go to the beach then go to the conference. The next morning we have another class and that night they give us the night off for "date night". Then Sunday morning we have some more classes and then we come home. We are thinking about heading to Mexico though for the day/night then coming back on Monday. I love to shop and eat over there!! We'll see though.

I had been struggling these last 2 days though. My mind was a little off and I broke down both days. This past Sunday we had to put my 10 year old dog to sleep. We've had her since she was 5 years old. She had a back problem about a month ago. We took her to the vet and we were told she had a ruptured disc. She went paralyzed from her 2 front legs. The vet suggested surgery but for $5K, we couldn't do it. She said we could try steroids but that we would have to watch her very carefully. We did. I faithfully gave her her pills in the morning and at night. Aaron and I took turns in taking her outside. She had to be carried as she was not allowed to move. I kept her in a small crate as ordered by the vet. That was for 2 weeks and by the end of it she was FINE!! She was walking fine, even would try to run but we would stop her. About 4 days past after finishing her meds and I was going to take her to the vet this week. Well on Sunday we got home and everything was normal. She was fine. I was watching TV and Aaron had just went outside to cut the grass. I heard her scream LOUD. I looked at her (she was right there by me) and her little leg looked like it was cramping up. I thought she got a charlie horse since she is old. I called Aaron in and by the time we got back in she was on the floor on her side. She pooped and peed on herself. Aaron said "babe, I think she went paralyzed". I told him no she was just fine. Turns out she did. He felt all her legs and even pinched them (that's what the vet does) and she felt nothing. I was bawling. She tried to pick up her little head but couldn't. I just still can't believe how it happened!!! I was right there! So then she starts breathing very slow and shallow and we both thought she was dying. I think really it was her being freaked out. Aaron ended up taking her to the vet. We knew what was going to happen. The vet (different one) suggested surgery again but said that it probably wouldn't do any good because the disc had now affected her spine too much.
Aaron decided to put her to sleep. She had lost all control of everything. I didn't go as I couldn't. It would be too hard. Aaron said he wasn't going to be there when it happened but at the last minute he couldn't leave her all alone. He said she kissed him like she always did and he petted her and told her what a good dog she had been. He said he was bawling. The doc then gave her a shot and she went to sleep. I was at home crying. The thing that kills me is her looking at me. When I said my goodbyes, her little eyes just looked at me like "what is going on?". She had no clue and that makes me feel so guilty. But I knew that was the best thing for her. I just can't believe she is gone. The house feels so strange without her. My other dog (also a dachshund which scares the crap out of me since 2 out of 3 dachshunds that we've had had this happen to them) seems a little sad even. She mopes around at times but at least she has Toni (our cat) to keep her occupied. They get along GREAT and they wrestle and run around the house like chicken's with their heads cut off. If it wasn't for Toni, she'd be very lonely.
I miss my little old lady. I used to call her that. I miss her laying by me but I know that she is better now. She was just the sweetest dog ever and I will miss her greatly.

So the feelings of loss came up with Zoe and then that got me thinking about the m/c. So odd. It just brought back all these feelings I have with losses in my life. I just felt so funky. I am better now though but still, these 2 days were a little harsh on me.

That's all that's going on with me. Just taking it one day at a time trying to better myself.