I am indeed 6 dpo today. I went in for a prog. check this morning and just got back my results. I am at 11.9... hmm, I thought that with Clomid its supposed to be over 15?? Not sure but they surely don't sound the alarm off about a surprise miracle baby on the way. *sigh*

Well the good news is at least I ovulated and I won't have to induce AF with provera. Once AF comes then I start bcp's!

I guess I kind of figured because my temps are low and my boobs aren't sore at all. I kind of had a feeling maybe my P4 wasn't high or something...

Thats it for now!

I believe I might be 1dpo but unfortunately I am not certain. My temp did go up but only by .2 degrees and its not very high. All my ovulation signs are gone now so maybe this is just a slow rise chart?? Not sure. I guess we will see. On Monday, I have a progesterone draw so I will know FOR sure whats up.. I could go in tomorrow though?? Hmm, maybe I will look into it. If I didn't ovulate then I need to start provera ASAP!
Aaron and I have been praying and praying for a miracle baby. How cool would it be to get PG after IVF and before IVF#2??? Very cool but also fat chance. I need to be positive though either way as we are heading into IVF next cycle. I don't want to get negative over a bfn that was bound to be and enter into our IVF with that negative attitude. This was just an experiment and although both Aaron and I would be ELATED, I need to be realistic. I am very happy that I am going into IVF very soon!!!
I got my meds yesterday. I will take the pic for our scrapbook. Hehe, I still have the first group of meds pic so I have to do this cycle. I have about 2 weeks for AF to get here!!! It's all creeping up on me. I guess this Clomid cycle has been good as it's kept me distracted. I am so obsessed and focused on this cycle that I am not slowly counting down the days for IVF.. I am now counting down the days until I can test. Before I know it, the day will be here! It will be the end of something or the beginning of something. I can choose to look at it either way.

I am in the process of ovulating... I got a + opk during lunch today but I am sure it will be more + this evening. Its always fun to see that nice fat dark pink line on an opk as it doesn't happen very often in my case. We have been bd'ing like crazy (every day since cd 11!!!!) and I was tempted to try the instead cups but those darn things were not very easy to use! So I skipped out.. I might try it one more time but since its the REAL deal, I don't want to waste any spermies... we will see. My belly feels achey and its bloated and my boobs are starting to hurt. I am having EWCM along with low temps so I am definately about to pop an eggie soon!!!! Wish us luck! :) Here is hoping for a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *praying*

Seeing that I haven't written in a while...
The 3 day weekend was awesome! I got my toes done, went wedding dress shopping with sister and am about to go to a barbeque! Aaron and I are never off together so this is something new for us. But I will take it!
I am on cd 16. I am halfway there! So Aaron wanted us to try naturally this cycle and give it all we got one more time. For us, natural would be using Clomid as I am annovulatory so I did on cd 3-7. Clomid doesn't work every time for me as out of 4 cycles I only ovulated on 2 of them. But I took them nonetheless but so far no + opk. I am feeling a little bloated and my temps did drop a couple of days ago which is normal for me and then they will spike. I feel like I will ovulate but I am getting impatient. We have also been "doing it" every night. Once I get the + we plan to do it 3 times a day!! :) Seriously, we just want to give it all we have. I really didn't want to do this but my husband begged me so here we are. I mean, its a long shot but you never know. I now know that I have open tubes, a good uterus, I have good eggs, I can get PG, and Aaron's numbers were a little bit higher than before during ivf, it gives me hope and helps me to believe that we can have a baby. He has now been on Fertility Blend for 2 months so I am hoping they are even higher. He has given up caffeine too so we are hoping for a miracle! If not, we welcome IVF with open arms this next cycle...
Nothing else going on... This cycle makes the wait go by faster but it also makes me obsess. I am temping, opking, checking CM, you know the little details that make you crazy! Oh well..it's a distraction I guess.

HOLY SONOHYSTEROGRAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Geez, either I am a wimp or my body is backyards. I was told by numerous of women that the SHG was sooo much easier than HSG. Even the nurse practitioner told me beforehand that it would be much less pain and procedure than my HSG. Boy was she wrong!!! In my case, this was one of the most painful experiences so far in my TTC journey. The first BIG pain was the aftermath of egg retrieval (yowza!). Then the pain after taking that darn cytotec the night before D&C (OMG! the uterine contractions) and now I have added SHG. It hurt me so bad I was in tears. And the only freaking time that Aaron couldn't come because he had to work (I had told him I would be fine.. not to worry) and this was the time I needed him the most. She put in the speculum then rubbed my cervix with 2 swabs then put in the catheter (OUCH!) and then filled me up like a balloon. I felt like I was being twisted on the inside. Once she finally finishes she apologizes and asks me if I am okay. She tells me I can sit up so I do and we are talking and then all of sudden I start seeing everything in circles.. uh oh. I tell her I feel light headed and down I go on the bed. Thank God I was still on the table. I blacked out for a sec and then she told me to just lay there. She said some people get that way (who, the wimps?) and we start talking about IVF#1 and my PG etc... About 10 minutes passes and she says to try again. I felt better so she handed me my RX form and that was it... Well I start getting dressed and I start feeling it again. By now she is long gone so I position myself by the chairs they have there and down I go AGAIN. All by myself too!!! I totally black out again. I had no strength to call nobody and I felt my ears pop and just felt soooo faint. I could literally feel my blood pressure go down and I just closed my eyes. I remember starting to sweat and just looking at myself in the mirror that sits on the side of the chairs. I looked pale and drunk. I sat in there for about 10 mintues again and finally I felt a bit better. I was so sore and my uterus kept doing weird things like contracting and pulsating. Eww! I left and sat in my car for another 10 minutes. Finally I drove home. I felt drunk for the rest of the evening but somehow managed to go watch Shrek 3. :)
Before anybody asks, no I didn't take anything before the procedure. Since many FF women said it was so easy and that it was better than HSG I figured I would be fine. I was going to take some ibuprofen anyways just in case but I totally forgot since I was running late this morning. My HSG was a piece of cake so I figured it would be fine. NOT.
So that was my experience... My mom told me I better get with it because I can't be fainting during childbirth.. She is right but anytime my uterus starts contracting I go into passing out mode. I can't help it!
The good news is that my uterus is perfect. No scarring, no fibroids, no nothing. She said it was good of me to request it just in case. She went over all my history (while sitting there trying to pass time while I was trying to wake up) and commented on what a good responder I was and how Dr. Dunn plans to lower my dose early on this time. Why? I don't know. But she really made me sound like a great patient and how I was very lucky. I hope so.
I got my RX form. I start my bcps as soon as I get AF. I need to fax it over tomorrow to get all my meds! WOOHOO!!! Lets get this show started once again!

The hardest day of the year for me (and probably alot of infertile women) is OVER. Woohooo!!! I can breath again. Its so weird! I was stressing about Mother's Day for weeks. I was just so sad and so nervous of how I was going to react. But... I went good. I decided to just think about my mom and mother in law. We took my MIL to breakfast and there were ALOT of new moms with their babies which sort of hurt but I tried to ignore it. That was over. Then I took my mom out to lunch before church and it went good too. I had already told her I wasn't going to church. Thank God she finally understand. Last year she gave me a hard time as I skipped too and she was hurt that I would go for HER on Mother's Day. This year she didn't say NOTHING. She just said okay. So after I left I headed to the stores and bought me 2 shirts. Then went to the mall to browse and finally got home. I decided to watch a sappy love movie and ate junk food. Through the whole day of course, I had mini crying breakdowns but it felt good. I just took in my emotions and didn't try to hide them and wasn't ashamed to feel angry and sad. It's funny because I was all alone (Aaron was on call and he was needed then he had to go to church as he is very needed) and I liked it that way. I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted. I guess I like being by myself in my misery! I did finally really breakdown at night when getting ready to go to bed. Aaron was in the office so I felt "safe" to just bawl. I hugged my teddy bear so tight (the one we made in honor of our little baby) and just cried and cried. I know I covered the bear with tears. Aaron walked in on me and he just hugged me. I missed my baby so much at that moment and Aaron and I just held each other for a few minutes. He told me he didn't like looking at our bear as it reminded him and it hurt too much. :(
So that was it! I survived it! I did pray alot and asked God to please let me have a real live baby in my arms next Mother's Day. If my IVF in July works, I will be due in April making next Mother's Day a memorable one! I hope with all my heart.

Overall the weekend was good. On Saturday 2 of my younger cousins came over and we swam all day in my pool. It was FUN. We ordered pizza and wings and just soaked in the pool. It was perfect weather too. HOT. It was nice and I think that made it sooo much easier to head into Sunday. I wasn't thinking about the next day and how sad I was going to be but more just having fun. I am VERY tan and I like it! I am olive skin but pale so the tan looks good. Aaron likes it alot. :) He says I look more exotic! *blushes*

So I called my clinic yesterday to let them know I got AF. Yeah, I got it on MOTHER'S DAY. How cruel is that??? I let them know and we scheduled my sonohysterogram (saline u/s to check my uterus on the inside) for Monday. I believe I will get my schedule that DAY. Its crazy to think that I will be starting bcp's next cycle already! Its crazy! I have a good feeling again about ivf. Its funny. I had a good feeling about ivf in Nov. and it worked. I had a bad feeling about our FET and it didn't. So hopefully I am right again and this cycle works but not only for a bfp, but for a sticky baby!!!! (or 2)

Infertility Etiquette... on Resolve website.


Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to super ovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubesCystsEndometriosisLow hormone levelsLow "normal form" sperm countLow progesterone levelLow sperm countLow sperm motilityThin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet) Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
By Vita Alligood

Today is my birthday. Although the "Happy Birthdays" are nice, I am not feeling very happy at all! Dh made me a "super" breakfast (what he calls it, he's so silly) consisting of 2 pancakes, 2 BIG fat sausage patties, 2 biscuits and 2 eggs! YOWZA! Super is right! I am trying to eat better so I ate one pancake and some of one of the patties. That was enough. I put the rest in the microwave as I was in a rush. He had also put out some roses (very pretty colors by the way) and 2 cards, one from him and one from the furbabies. He is silly!! He always does that. I think he got me something else (jewelry??) but am not to sure.
Now others might say "wow!" what a great birthday but honestly I am just feeling very down today. I felt like crying most of the day and when my mom called I broke down but she didn't hear me. I am just getting older although I know I am still young (28) but the years have been going by fast for me. Since I turned 25 the years some more like 6 months. Before I know it another year has passed. I am sure I will be 30 before I know it. It isn't the actual number that bothers me but more the number PLUS being childless. Again, I know I am still considered young (I don't want to be inconsiderate to ladies that are older than me) but my life is NOT the way I wanted and there is nothing I can do about it. Who cares about the plans I had? I actually thought I'd be working on my 2nd child by now.. I wanted to be done at 30 years old... *SCREAM* Its just sad that you can never repeat time. I can never be in my early 20's or mid 20's and now my late 20's. I just don't feel grown up all the way I guess but I KNOW that I am 28. Does that make sense? I guess to me a woman is a mother. I don't have the responsibility that most women my age have. I don't have the bond with Aaron that most marriages have once they have children so I sort of feel like an old teenager.
Whatever. Aaron planned dinner for me with all of my family tonight. It should be nice and I plan to cheat a bit tonight. I want some STEAK! YUM! Maybe I will drown my sorrow in some steak! hehe
When will this end??? When????????????????????

Guess I haven't had much to say but now that I think about it, lots has been going on.. sorta.

First of all, I got my pool! I ended up getting the inflattable huge one because I didn't want to bother with the sand and leveling but turns out, this pool will need it to. We put it up but its lopsidded. It will stay that way this year (still useable and still big) but Aaron says that next year he will put it up better. We will see... I haven't got in since Sunday so I am looking forward to it this weekend!

My sister is still here.. I believe she is leaving tomorrow. She had her u/s yesterday to which my mom went. My sister came over last night and showed me the picture. She said the baby was moving alot blah blah. I am sooo distant from her its not even funny. I tell Aaron I try but its no use. He gets mad because he says my sister is just inconsiderate with certain comments and doesn't think about others, only herself. I guess I can see his view but again, she is my sister and she feels she can come to me about her pregnancy. I just try not to get too involved and I when she talks I listen but not really. I feel bad for her because I am sure it hurts her but what can I do. I am avoiding all pg women, all babies... and my sister just happens to fall under that category.

So Mother's Day is coming up. Can I just say how much I HATE this holiday???? I am sure if I ever have children I will not feel so much rage against it and I hope that I can remember these times when I desperately wanted to have children and be SO greatful for the kids I have. Its just a funky day for me.. I usually spend it in bed bawling and Aaron tries to convince me to go to church which I would end up going except for last year.. This year, I am staying home for SURE again. I will think of my baby and how I was a mother, even for a short while. Actually I am still a mom as our baby is still and forever will be tattooed in my heart. But of course, nobody can see my baby and nobody will actually acknowledge me as a mother so I rather not face the world. The years before when we'd be at church I'd spend most of the time bawling in a back room anyway so who the hell cares if I do it at home. I am sure Aaron doesn't look forward to it either as he knows how I get. Again, it sucks!

On the ivf front I started provera up yesterday. I am 5 days behind from when I was supposed to start due to a lab set back but an extra week isn't going to kill me. I am eating better and have been trying to exercise when I can. I am back to my original weight when I started ivf#1. I had gained some weight during pregnancy (like 6 lbs) and had a hard time fitting into my favorite jeans for a looooong time. I finally fit back into them easily so now I am on to losing regular extra weight. I am hoping for 15-20lbs in the 2 months. I know its alot but I am going to try...
Thats it!

So the sister is still here. I have to admit that I feel guilty because I know that I am avoiding her, she knows it and I don't say anything about it. I also find myself being negative in the conversations I have with her about her situation (just got married in January but already wants a divorce... hmm, can I say I told you so??? Gosh, I could see this so clear back in November/Dec. when she announced she was marrying him) and her possible being a single mother. I also don't think its fair to my parents that once her husband gets deployed in October, she will come live with them and take the upstairs of their house (big master suite) once my OTHER sister moves out because she is getting married. My parents were going to finally be alone and now she is coming with a new baby and most likely my parents will pick up her slack. I still can't see my sister as a mom. She is very short tempered and impatient person. She is also very emotional and seems emotionally unstable at times. I truly feel sorry for my mother as I know she will be the most affected by this. I know my mom would do the same for me though so I know that my mom is in a situation where she is just being a mom herself. Its still not fair to me. Whether or not she gets divorced, this is the plan as she says she will not stay "home" by herself while her husband is away so she wants to come back...
Its all a very tangled mess that my sister got in and she tells me all the time that she wish she could wake up the day before they got hitched at the courthouse and undo it all... unfortunately she can't, well she can undo the marriage but not the child she is carrying. This guy has 2 other children with 2 other women and now my sister is the 3rd.. *sigh* I told her not to end up one of his baby's mommas!!! Ugh.. so ghetto I swear...

Anyway, ... see how negative I am??? I guess I feel so strong about it because not only does it hurt me personally to see my sister in such a mess PG, but also because I truly feel that my sisters life is going to change in a manner and that she has absolutely no clue. My sister was so independent, so proud, and I knew she was determined. She was in school and worked HARD working full time PLUS school full time (hasn't finished yet) and now it seems like it sort of all went to waste. Now I know I sound like I am a hateful future aunt but I am sure I will love this baby so much but it just sucks for my little sister. I know she imagined her life totally different then where she is now.
I tell her that everything will be okay but I know its going to be hard. I know that its going to stress my parents out and I know that my sister is going to suffer through it but in the end, she will make it.

As for me, I have b/w this Thursday to check my progesterone (HA! I don't EVER ovulate) just for kicks per RE and that way I can get my provera and start popping them. I guess he wants me to have regular af's and Lord knows that doesn't happen without the help of my old friend Pro(vera).
Once I get af then I will schedule my sonohysteragram since I asked RE if he could check out the old uterus for anything and everything. I am concerned with what it looks like after the d&c. I never showed any signs of infection so that is why we never did one but I just want peace of mind and he agreed to it so there.
Once that is done then I wait for af again and BAM. I start bcps all over again along with Lupron... Yeah, its not that far away!!! Yipeee!

This weekend Aaron, me and my friends daughter (Mailey) went to the circus. It was so much fun and and Mailey had an awesome time. It was her first circus (she will be 3 in May) and was so aware and alert at everything. She even rode a pony and was just cracking up! I see Aaron with her and it makes my heart flutter because he does so well with her. I sometimes like to imagine that she is ours and I know that when people see us 3 together (people who don't know us) they think we are a family. They look at us with such tenderness and a look of "awww". It's kind of funny but sweet because for a second I can pretend to have that family I dream of so much. I sometimes think that Aaron feels the same exact way. He treats her as if he was hers and in public I am sure they look my daddy and daughter. Its all bittersweet... I want him to carry our child like that and walk her like that and buy her popcorn and cotton candy like that.
Its funny to pretend but then the reality sets in and I want to scream out PLEASE LORD let us have our children that we long for. Please.
I have been telling myself how I will be a great mom. Aaron sees me with Mailey and he tells me all the time. It makes this girl feel GOOD let me tell you..
Now I need to get PG!!!!

The appt went well. I was very happy that Dr. Dunn brought up the whole thawing 2 verses thawing 4 thing that happened at transfer. He said that they both looked great and that he actually didn't think that both would make it but when they did and were actually growing/hatching, he didn't see a reason for us to thaw all 4. Basically he felt really confident with those 2 (hmm, that is GOOD don't get me wrong but what does that mean?? Was it my body that failed the embryos?) so thats all we transfered. He said, of course now it makes more sense to have transferred all that made it but who would have known that they wouldn't take? I understand and was so relieved he didn't try to tell make excuses or worse, not even bring it up and make me have to bring it up.
We went over several tests that I was wondering about. He doesn't feel the need that we need to do any further testing. I am going to get a fluid sonograph (I think thats what its called) because I want to double check my uterus for any abnormalities. I was reading that with an HSG, it isn't enough. Because of having a d&c, I just want to make sure there is no scarring, adhesions, fibroids, etc...
I will be doing bcp's and lupron in June and my transfer should be in the first 2 weeks of July!!! Woohoo!!! RE still feels confident in our ability to get PG so that always helps. I am terrified of having another loss but I can't let that fear stop me. What if this next one is the ONE???
I need to start my metformin and prenatals again. I took a break from all pills since my bfn. I needed it and I enjoyed it but now I am back in the game!!

I have been keeping myself busy lately. First, we have decided to buy an above ground pool this summer. I got all obsessed and have been researching like crazy between 2 pools we have our eyes on. I think I have made up my mind!
Then I was recently voted in to becoming the church secretary at my dads church. It's an honor that the members believe in me to handle ALOT of legal and confidential responsibility but I am also finding that OMG, I have alot of work to do. I have to update everything because so far nobody had been doing the job "correctly" according to all the information I am learning. I am also excited because I love to learn and love challenges. I am having to learn alot about the IRS, the State and the church. It's a bit overwhelming but I believe in myself. Plus, the pay that they offered isn't going to hurt either. ;)

My appt is on Monday. It has seemed way longer than 2 weeks since my bfn... My anger has died down a bit concerning the transfer (thawed 2 embryos when RE had agreed to thaw all 4 and transfer all that survived) but I plan bring it up. I read the book IVF: The ART of Making Babies front and back and learned alot. I am interested in further testing and plan to make a list of tests and procedures I might want to get done before my next ivf. Who knows, the RE might just blow my requests away but I am going in there confident and at least "acting" to be knowledgeable in what I have to say.
I also have my well woman that same day at 11am. I will be seeing a doc that a friend of mine recommended when I was PG so I decided I minus well get to know him now because *hopefully* he will be seeing alot of me after July. Hopefully I like him the way my friend claims I will.

My PG sister is visiting next week. Although I am glad to see her I am already feeling a little distant from her. I am scared of how I am going to react to actually have her there in person knowing that she is PG. I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings but at the same time I need to take care of myself. She is staying for about a week and a half and I am ashamed to say that I wish it wasn't that long. We had also made plans to go visit her and her dh in May for my b-day but instead I am getting a pool. I don't have any time left at work and will be taking alot of time off in June/July for ivf so I don't want to bother my boss for any more days off unless I have to. My sister was looking forward to it and actually so was I but now that she is PG I have about 3 excuses at hand to give to her as to why I am not going. I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I am even put in this situation and I am sure that if I ever have a healthy PG, I will regret this because I neglected my sister during a time that was special for her and a time that should had been special for us as sisters. Life is cruel.

The days are going by fast for me when I keep busy. I can't believe we are almost half way down April. June doesn't seem that far away to me so all I need to do is keep being busy. Before I know it, I will start shooting up again, doing the dildo cam again, all the torture of waiting again, etc. And maybe, hopefully getting PG again.

Easter weekend. Hmph! Well the break was nice. I slept in Friday for way toooo long. Aaron called me at lunch time (yes, 12pm!!!) and I woke up all freaked out. I cleaned some and then we headed to church.
On Saturday Aaron worked so my mom, my cousin, my friend's little girl and I went out for the afternoon. It was fun. My friends little girl ended up coming over and spending the night. She has been doing so alot lately. I don't mind at all. She will be 3 in May and she is just a joy. I love being around her and she makes me ache for a child so much more. I have been around her since she was in her mom's belly so we all have taken her in as our own. She makes the weekends easier on me emotionally (definately not physically :) ) and keeps my mind off of things. I think Aaron likes it too as I am not sitting at home all by myself being depressed.
Anyway, we went shopping on Saturday night with Aaron and we all got some nice Easter Sunday church clothes. I bought Mailey (the little girl) an Easter dress so on Sunday we all looked nice. We then went to dinner and just had a good time watching a movie and going to bed.
On Sunday we got up and got ready for church.
Once there we had to get our service ready and I just started to feel down. I don't know what it is about holidays but oh how they depress me. I started to cry and when I was practicing on stage (I sing back up at church) I just felt cold and stale. Aaron let me off and I went to the office and just cried. I sat there with no lights on and just cried. Aaron came in later and he just hugged me and then my little sister walked in (not the PG one) and hugged me. I told her why I was crying which was good for me as I am always trying to hide my feelings. I told her that I missed my baby and that I cry ALOT. I told her so she wouldn't freak out. She hugged me and then she told me some sweet things. She then decided to be funny and said she would be my baby and sat on my lap like a baby. Dummy!!! She did make me laugh though.
Overall, I made the effort not to breakdown anymore and to cheer up. It worked because I felt alot better afterwards.
I guess holidays are so revolved around kids that it feels like a slap in my face, a more than the usual slap in the face. I guess each Easter that passes is another year that I have been waiting for my turn to dress my little man or little girl in a suit or that puffy pastel dress. They are reminders of each depressing year that has passed by and I still have empty arms.
The next day I am SOOO dreading is my birthday. Blah. I know, usually birthdays are happy celebrations but not for me. I will be 28 years old. I feel my years are going by FAST. Since I turned 25 I SWEAR the years have gone by like days and before I know it I am heading towards my 30's. Fortunately, I am still considered pretty young in the fertility world but I can't help to notice that my plans for my life didn't go as expected. I thought I'd be having my 3rd and probably last child by now! HA!! Yeah, I wanted them pretty young, I just always pictured it that way.
I am holding on to the chance that maybe just maybe this is the last Easter with empty arms. *hopefully* If I got my bfp with ivf in June/July I'd be due in April. Yeah, I am thinking way ahead but it helps me to stay hopeful. Thats a nice thought!! Maybe next year around this time I will be giving birth or ready to give birth. Maybe I will have to buy that little suit or that puffy dress afterall. Hehe, that brings a smile to my face... Maybe, maybe, maybe... Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully...

AF is here today. I was worried because I had no signs of her coming but then I started to spot last night and definately no denying, she is here today.
I went home yesterday for half a day. I woke up at 4am with a fever and sick to my stomach. I tried to make it at work but at lunch time I decided there was no way I could sit here for the rest of the day so I left. I slept from 12:30pm until about 6pm! My temp was still the same (101) throughout the night until about 9pm when it finally dropped to 98.4. I slept again and woke up this morning feeling a bit off but SO much better than yesterday. I am off tomorrow for Good Friday so that is always a good thing!

This week has been rough on me. The bfn didn't sting me but now the after effects are here. It just makes losing the baby so much harder on me. I know I sound like a broken record but for some reason I just can't seem to move on. I still cry alot. I still ask why. I still think a thousand thoughts about what happened that day, what I did the day before, etc.. what I could have done. Its just a neverending road it seems. On Tuesday I was going to my parents house for lunch to pick something up and my dad was home. I had been crying driving over there and made myself stop but I got to my dads and he asked what was wrong. Of course, that made me start to cry all over and I ended up being there for about 40 minutes just bawling. The weird thing is that my dad really didn't say much. Sadly, I think he has run out of things to say and I think that even HE doesn't understand why I lost the baby. He doesn't have an answer and he doesn't pretend to. It actually made me feel better that he didn't say much. I just sat there crying.
I cry in the car alot. I cry when certain thoughts go through my mind. I just miss my baby so much and how I wish I could wake up and this all be a looong nightmare. I still can't believe I lost him and I still can't believe that I won't be having him. Then there are times where I can't believe that I was actually pregnant! I am telling you, I am going crazy!

Aaron and I decided that we are going to wait until June/July to start cycling again. That means bcp/Lupron in June and in July will be stims and ER/ET. It sounds like a long time away but I know it will go by fast plus I know its best. We both decided to try the south beach diet along with exercising more. Aaron is also starting his Fertility blend today. I just want to be healthier next time I get PG. If I was to get pg with multiples I want to do everything possible to have a healthy pg. We are both excited and feeling very motivated.
I think the break will also be good for me emotionally. As you read above, I need it. I am also debating whether or not to try accupuncture. I am still up in the air about it though.

Aaron keeps telling me we need to clear out the nursery room. He says we need to prepare and make steps of faith. I totally agree. I hate going in there though because it gives me this ache in the pit of my stomach because it feels so empty but at the same time I look around and try to picture it with a baby in the room along with furniture. I guess it all depends on my mood.

I will still be blogging here although I am not actively trying. I will come and vent because I am sure I will run into days that are unbearable or at least feel that way. I can also write about my progress with my lifestyle change! So until next time...

It's now official. BFFN. (yes I meant to put an extra "F"!) The funny thing was another nurse called and I could already tell by her "hello, Diana?" tone. She called as I was walking through a building here at work because I had to pick some paperwork for a coworker of mine so right when she announced the BFN she cut off... Then she cut back in. Then cut out. I had to tell her to repeat the funky news! I knew it was bfn but she didn't know I knew it was bfn so I am sure I made her a bit uncomfortable. There is no easy way of telling IF patients that their beta is negative. I felt bad for her!!

Anyway, I have a follow up on 4/16 to talk to the ol' doc. That gives me plenty of time to get all of my research done on testing and other options that we can possibly look at and bring it all to him. Until then, I guess here goes my hardcore healthy mode!!!

It felt like such a waste going into the lab this morning. I don't see the point when you already know. I guess its just to humiliate one even more. Ugh...
As I sat there I looked around. I can sort of tell when an infertile is in there. See, the clinic where I go is on the 4th floor ACROSS from OB/GYN so I see little bellies, HUGE bellies, weird bellies, round bellies, all kinds of bellies every single time I go there. You can't NOT run into them. I just roll my eyes as they passed me up today. True, who knows maybe they were once across the hall where I am but still... I don't know that!
Anyway, Aaron went with me and I told him I wasting blood. He then responded that blood makes regenerates itself (what the hell???). Um, okay. I meant, that I felt like this was a waste of time not to mention 3 hours of vacation taken from my job. Yes 3 hours because the clinic is about 45 minutes away from my house plus there was a line in the lab.
Anyway, I looked around and saw one lady who was older, maybe in her late 30's, I could tell she was in my clinic. Then another lady came in who looked over 40 who was also an infertile and I guess something went wrong because they had to call somebody on the phone (I am guessing her doctor or nurse) and she said very out loud too, "progesterone checked". Yeah, only a infertility patient would get that done unless of course she was PG but I don't think so. Then a foreign couple came in with an u/s pic of their baby. She wasn't showing or anything but I recognized the little card they put those u/s pics in. They gave me some when I was PG. Maybe she went through infertility. I know mine said "Fertility Specialist" on the top. I couldn't tell what hers said though... Then another girl comes in... That one was tricky. I couldn't tell. She looked like a mom but then again could be an infertile. Then of course, I thought I would escape them but nope, here came a "mommy" with her little toddler. I swear they need to seperate us because I was in such a lousy mood I wanted to be FAR AWAY from children/babies/PG women, etc.. Anything that reminded me of what I am missing!!!
Well the good part is the needle didn't hurt. Once I got to the back I was out of there in 2 minutes. Aaron and I rushed home and I made it to work...

I told Aaron that I am SOO looking forward to NOT seeing that damn building for a loooong time. When I first walked in there I was so hopeful, so excited. I was so naive too. Now its all a bad reminder of losing my baby, where I should be in my PG, how I would be across the hall now, how my body failed to get pg again and of course all the shots, the u/s, and the b/w. So now I am not so excited or hopeful when I walk in, its more of a stab in gut feeling. So yes, I will be looking forward to not seeing any of those pg women, and the clinic for a while... No more shots, no more pills, no more stress, no more waiting on phones calls... Just living life the way it is and letting my mind get back on track. Letting my body heal and my heart heal fully from losing our baby. That actually excites me, who would have thought?

BFNs SUCK BIG DONKEY BALLS!!!! I know that is pretty nasty to say but that is my favorite saying when it comes to bfns. I tested again last night and sure enough...bfn! Argh! Yeah, I am pretty sure I am out.
I am okay under the circumstances. They were more rough to see in the beginning and as more bfn's showed up, I got used to them so I don't get upset. But I am starting to feel stressed out about my next ivf cycle. Its been bringing me to tears every night while waiting to go to sleep. I guess its the not knowing what is going to happen and if it doesn't happen then what am I going to do next. I know I made plans but still it is all scary. I do have my pregnancy on my side because I did end up pg and in my very first cycle so that is good. But that doesn't mean squat (to me) because here I sit with a bfn in my hands after "you couldn't ask for more" embryos that we transfered 10 days ago. I need to learn (I think I have) that a baby is not guaranteed in all of this. I mean, try, try your hardest but its still not guaranteed. My next fresh cycle could very well end up a bfn and that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be that woman that did 5 ivf cycles and still ended up with nothing, nobody does! I was thinking yesterday though, positive thoughts for a change! I am young. I totally have that on my side. I will be 28 in May and although I am getting in my thirties soon that is still considered "young" in the ivf world.
I am also a good responder to meds. My body probably feels deprived since it never ovulates on its own so when it gets some meds it pretty much goes way beyond great expectations. That is excellent in ivf!
I have other things on my side so that makes me feel a bit safer. But again, baby not guaranteed. I will be okay though. I am excited to do ivf again. I mean, when I think about all the shots, all the appts, all the u/s, all the b/w, all the ovary pain, yeah, not too excited there but when I think of the possibility of ending up pg again, that excites the hell out of me!!!
So the plan is tomorrow is beta. I think I get a follow up with RE about what went wrong this cycle... I plan to bring up the issue of why he only put 2 of the frosties in when we had clearly agreed to all that made it through thaw, whether it was 1 or 4. I am still a bit confused about that and I want some answers. Once that is settled I will let him know I want to take a break of at least one cycle. I think that will be enough but I might end up changing my mind and extending it to 2 cycles. I plan to hit the healthy lifestyle hardcore and start exercising again. I want to lose some weight before I cycle again. I feel a little pudgier since being pg and feel that I am not back to normal so I am trying to lose that plus extra. I want to go into this next ivf in a good mood feeling good about myself and my chances. I ordered a book called "The Art of Making Babies" about ivf and plan to read it front to back to see if I could be doing anything more to improve my chances.

It would have been so nice to get a bfp this cycle but its okay. I will live.

7dp6dt...

My beta is this Friday. At least this can end whether in a good way or bad but it will end. I am still holding on hope that a line might appear but for now I am staying away from the hpts. I have one more and I am saving it for at least tomorrow or Wednesday. There isn't any amount of hpts I can buy to make a line magically appear. I minus well wait until I feel for sure that its a bfn.

I had a good day yesterday. We were at church and my mood was good. I guess the shock of the bfn has worn off so I kind of have come to terms with it. I find that it's easier this way.
I go through moods like underwear. One moment I feel doomed, that I will never be a mom, I hate my life, I wonder if I was with somebody else would I be pg by now (with Aaron's male factor this does cross my mind although I feel guilty about this because I love him SOO much and I WANT to have a baby with HIM), etc... Crazy! Then there are days where I am so positive, I know I will be a mother, I know that I will be PG, I know that one of these darn IVFs HAS to work for us, etc... Its funny but sad too.
Well yesterday was a good day and I even went as far as daydreaming. I was in church sitting in the sound booth (I am usually on stage singing but Aaron took me off during the 2ww... he said its too loud up there! lol... Hey, we are playing it on the safe side this time) with a newborn son (don't know why its a son but thats what came to my mind). He was beautiful and I looked at him in awe and I was telling myself that he was really mine. He had a blue blanket around him. I then kind of woke up and put my faith into action (I am really surprised I still know what faith is!) and said I believe I will have a child. I am telling myself that even when I don't feel like it.. Well that was at the beginning of service.
So then I went back to my class where I teach the kids there at church. I have all the school age kids. We were having class and a church member's mom who was visiting came and asked to speak to me. I went out to the hall and she said she just felt to pray for me. I said "okay". She did and prayed for my womb specifically. Now usually, I don't like people praying for me like that because I don't like to get my hopes up (like hey,they just prayed for me and I felt something... I should end up PG soon!), I get embarrased and I don't like telling people about our infertility. But heck, by now I am willing to try whatever.
Come to find out, my mom preached last night (my parents are pastors) and she was teaching about faith. I wasn't out there but Aaron told me. She said that she talked about me. She said she is believing in "something" with all of her heart. He says that for a while she didn't say what that "something" was. But in the end she revealed that it was for our child. She talked about how she doesn't understand why we have had the struggles we have had (me and Aaron). Why some women get PG who obviously don't deserve it (druggies, etc) and then someone who has been desiring it and pleading God about it can't. Someone who has been faithful, someone who lives a "good life", someone who is soo good with kids. She talked about the loss of my baby. She didn't understand why it all happened. But she said that she felt that she needed to have faith. She said how I (me) might not have faith all the time but she will hold me up with her faith.
It really touched me and believe me if this was 6 months ago I would be PISSED because I am embarrased of our infertility. But when I got PG I told the WHOLE church about IVF because I wanted to share how wanted this baby was, how far we had to go get him/her and how God provided us with that insurance. I felt I needed to testify (again, this is from somebody who NEVER spoke of our infertility to nobody in church) and be open with everybody. It felt good and people responded by supporting us and I feel that they all knew just how special that baby was to us. We had ALOT of support from people when we lost the baby. We had alot of prayer and encourement and for a bit I did regret opening my big mouth about IVF/infertility because I felt stupid. But then I realized, hey I believed, I was happy, I wanted the world to know what God did in my life so I told.
So now EVERYBODY knows about our infertility. :)
Thats why I am not mad at my mom. Hey, I figure, after that don't you think people will really pray for us and prayers cannot hurt, I am sure.
So Aaron said she spoke very nice and he felt fine about it. She went on to tell the congregation that she is going to start putting her faith into effect. She said she is going to start buying the baby stuff. She told them that yesterday she went and bought him/her first gift. Its a really really nice vibrating chair thing (don't know what they are called!) . She gave it to me after church and I proudly have it in my living room.
I know this may sound weird to some but it really helps me to think of all the support and prayers I have through all this. It helps that people are believing for me because Lord knows, (read about my "bad" days above) that I don't always have that faith I should have. It really touched me that my mom went that far and to hear that it is effecting her that much even makes me feel better.

The whole deal with my sister was a shock to me. I still am but I am actually excited to see what her baby is going to look like. The bad thing is that her dh is getting deployed to Iraq in October and she is due at the end of November. She will be moving here after he leaves. I am sad for her but I know that it will all be okay. So the baby will be born here and I will get to spend time with her and the baby. I am excited about that.
I was talking to Aaron and he brought up a good point. He said that he was thinking of all this with my sister and he said it actually brought relief to him. He said that with her having the first grandchild, he now feels relief and not so pressured. When he said that I totally agreed. I mean, it wasn't a race to begin with but my parents have been wanting a grandbaby for a long time. I shouldn't feel this way, but I felt guilty because I couldn't give them that. Now my sister is having the first therefore I don't feel guilty anymore. I mean, I still think I should had had the first baby but what can I do about it? Nothing. I then told him that I realize that our baby is going to be special whether it's the 1st or the 4th grandbaby because of the wait we all had to endure. We all were waiting and waiting. We all were anticipating the arrival of this baby for so long that when he/she finally comes, just his/ her existence will be special. Of course my sis' baby takes the race but its okay. Mine will be special and loved even though he wasn't first.
So yeah, I feel the pressure off and now there's just more waiting to be done.

Anyway, this was pretty deep so discuss among yourselves! :)

BFNs SUCK!!!! Well at least I am getting it out of my system eh? If this is really negative, at least I already had a taste of negative hpts... I don't want to wake up on 14 dpo feeling PG and then get hit with a blank white test. I rather let it sink in early...

I am NOT giving up yet though!! I still believe in my babies and still believe that they have a chance. Everytime I pass them up on the fridge (pic from RE) I kiss them and tell them to hang in there. I pat my belly and tell them to please stick around. Aaron is still believing so we haven't gave in to the negative yet. I am still early on in the game and this can still very much end up being a pregnancy cycle.

So my sister called me today. I haven't called her and I thought about it today but decided not to. I didn't want to stress out. I felt a bit guilty for avoiding her. Well she called and I almost didn't pick it up but I did. She asked how I was doing and how I felt. I told her I am just stressed. She then went on to tell me how she felt bad. She said that this baby should have went to me and not her. She said she felt God had messed up somewhere as I have been waiting for years. She said that she honestly thought she'd have trouble conceiving (I also had a feeling that she would) but obviously she doesn't. She said that she doesn't regret her pregnancy but if she could, she wished it would had been me and not her right now. She said it was MY time. Even her husband asked her if I was going to be upset about their PG. I thought it was sweet and of course I was crying. I told her I wasn't mad at her but that it's more of a why not me. I told her I felt that this was going to be negative but she says she has a good feeling about it. She also had a good feeling with my ivf so we will see. I told her I would love to be PG along with her. It would be fun! But yeah, it was nice of her. She told me that she had been thinking of me and that she put herself in my shoes.
It made me feel good and it took that jealousy away. I mean, I do wish I could be PG now but if I am not I will just have to accept this. There is no way I could stop talking to my sister so I just have to find a way to deal with it all. It sounds like she understands though.

Its been a rough road and unfortunately we still haven't came to the end. Only God knows when I will finally hold my children in my arms. I wish I could just wake up to that EXACT date. I want to feel normal and just be a woman, a mom. I want to forget this nightmare of waiting and crying and trying. I want to be picking out colors for the nursery, picking out furniture. Going to pedi appts. Going to the park, etc. I am just tired of waiting.
I told my sister to not take that baby for granted. She knows I would do ANYTHING to have what she has right now. She said she doesn't and she sees.

Hopefully I have some good news. Funny thing is if I am PG, I am already.. I just don't know it. The beans would be in there just getting comfy'er. If I am not, then I am not.. no matter how many tests I take. I guess its just waiting game now.

I slipped! I tested AGAIN and got a bfn. *sigh* I KNOW its early, I know but I am feeling that this cycle just didn't work. I don't know if it's just my fear talking but that's what I feel inside. I knew my ivf would work and it did, so with this one, I feel it didn't. I mean, sometimes I feel YES, it did work but not to often.

Of course I started crying and I hated to have to do that PIO shot. I had HUGE tears running down my face as Aaron stuck me with that stupid needle. It sucks you have to do so much and are not guaranteed anything. Aaron says to keep going, he says its too early, we could be PG... blah blah. I know but it still depresses me!!!

I am giving up on testing. Everytime I say I won't test I do, then get a bfn, then it ruins my whole day. Sooo I will test again after this weekend. I am tired and just want to relax and not think about this. (like who couldn't?)

I am still cramping pretty bad and my boobs actually started to hurt today. I am not sure if thats the progesterone kicking in or not but it did get me a little excited...that is until I saw that nasty EPT.

So I was thinking of what I was going to do if this doesn't work out and I came up with a plan. It made me feel good and hopeful so I need to focus on that. There is a back up plan and IVF has worked for us so I can't give up just because an FET didn't. (if it didn't) So I plan to do another fresh IVF cycle in the summer probably around June-July. I want to start all over. I know I have those 2 frozen ones but I don't want to do another FET. So I will do IVF in the summer. Hopefully it works! If not then I will definately take a looooong break and then comeback in a shared risk program. I would get 3 tries at IVF and 3 FETs for about $20K (after this FET and another ivf insurance is gone). If I don't come home with baby I get $17K back. Thats a pretty good deal! If you get PG the first cycle and have the baby, you will pay more in the end as one IVF cycle is around $10K but who cares as long as I have a baby! Aaron agreed so that gives me something to look forward to if this doesn't all work out. Lets hope that I don't have to go that far but let's also have a back up plan.

You know, getting these bfn's are starting to piss me off towards my RE. I TOLD him I wanted all babies that made it through thaw inside of me and HE decided to just do 2. Now, I can understand why, the babies looked good and he probably thought I had a pretty good chance. Also I am sure he doesn't want me to get PG with multiples as that is dangerous and there is not an option of selective reduction for us but still. I guess we don't know and neither does he if this worked with the 2 they put in me... But you know, I will always wonder "what if"...

Well back to waiting......