So the sister is still here. I have to admit that I feel guilty because I know that I am avoiding her, she knows it and I don't say anything about it. I also find myself being negative in the conversations I have with her about her situation (just got married in January but already wants a divorce... hmm, can I say I told you so??? Gosh, I could see this so clear back in November/Dec. when she announced she was marrying him) and her possible being a single mother. I also don't think its fair to my parents that once her husband gets deployed in October, she will come live with them and take the upstairs of their house (big master suite) once my OTHER sister moves out because she is getting married. My parents were going to finally be alone and now she is coming with a new baby and most likely my parents will pick up her slack. I still can't see my sister as a mom. She is very short tempered and impatient person. She is also very emotional and seems emotionally unstable at times. I truly feel sorry for my mother as I know she will be the most affected by this. I know my mom would do the same for me though so I know that my mom is in a situation where she is just being a mom herself. Its still not fair to me. Whether or not she gets divorced, this is the plan as she says she will not stay "home" by herself while her husband is away so she wants to come back...
Its all a very tangled mess that my sister got in and she tells me all the time that she wish she could wake up the day before they got hitched at the courthouse and undo it all... unfortunately she can't, well she can undo the marriage but not the child she is carrying. This guy has 2 other children with 2 other women and now my sister is the 3rd.. *sigh* I told her not to end up one of his baby's mommas!!! Ugh.. so ghetto I swear...

Anyway, ... see how negative I am??? I guess I feel so strong about it because not only does it hurt me personally to see my sister in such a mess PG, but also because I truly feel that my sisters life is going to change in a manner and that she has absolutely no clue. My sister was so independent, so proud, and I knew she was determined. She was in school and worked HARD working full time PLUS school full time (hasn't finished yet) and now it seems like it sort of all went to waste. Now I know I sound like I am a hateful future aunt but I am sure I will love this baby so much but it just sucks for my little sister. I know she imagined her life totally different then where she is now.
I tell her that everything will be okay but I know its going to be hard. I know that its going to stress my parents out and I know that my sister is going to suffer through it but in the end, she will make it.

As for me, I have b/w this Thursday to check my progesterone (HA! I don't EVER ovulate) just for kicks per RE and that way I can get my provera and start popping them. I guess he wants me to have regular af's and Lord knows that doesn't happen without the help of my old friend Pro(vera).
Once I get af then I will schedule my sonohysteragram since I asked RE if he could check out the old uterus for anything and everything. I am concerned with what it looks like after the d&c. I never showed any signs of infection so that is why we never did one but I just want peace of mind and he agreed to it so there.
Once that is done then I wait for af again and BAM. I start bcps all over again along with Lupron... Yeah, its not that far away!!! Yipeee!

This weekend Aaron, me and my friends daughter (Mailey) went to the circus. It was so much fun and and Mailey had an awesome time. It was her first circus (she will be 3 in May) and was so aware and alert at everything. She even rode a pony and was just cracking up! I see Aaron with her and it makes my heart flutter because he does so well with her. I sometimes like to imagine that she is ours and I know that when people see us 3 together (people who don't know us) they think we are a family. They look at us with such tenderness and a look of "awww". It's kind of funny but sweet because for a second I can pretend to have that family I dream of so much. I sometimes think that Aaron feels the same exact way. He treats her as if he was hers and in public I am sure they look my daddy and daughter. Its all bittersweet... I want him to carry our child like that and walk her like that and buy her popcorn and cotton candy like that.
Its funny to pretend but then the reality sets in and I want to scream out PLEASE LORD let us have our children that we long for. Please.
I have been telling myself how I will be a great mom. Aaron sees me with Mailey and he tells me all the time. It makes this girl feel GOOD let me tell you..
Now I need to get PG!!!!

The appt went well. I was very happy that Dr. Dunn brought up the whole thawing 2 verses thawing 4 thing that happened at transfer. He said that they both looked great and that he actually didn't think that both would make it but when they did and were actually growing/hatching, he didn't see a reason for us to thaw all 4. Basically he felt really confident with those 2 (hmm, that is GOOD don't get me wrong but what does that mean?? Was it my body that failed the embryos?) so thats all we transfered. He said, of course now it makes more sense to have transferred all that made it but who would have known that they wouldn't take? I understand and was so relieved he didn't try to tell make excuses or worse, not even bring it up and make me have to bring it up.
We went over several tests that I was wondering about. He doesn't feel the need that we need to do any further testing. I am going to get a fluid sonograph (I think thats what its called) because I want to double check my uterus for any abnormalities. I was reading that with an HSG, it isn't enough. Because of having a d&c, I just want to make sure there is no scarring, adhesions, fibroids, etc...
I will be doing bcp's and lupron in June and my transfer should be in the first 2 weeks of July!!! Woohoo!!! RE still feels confident in our ability to get PG so that always helps. I am terrified of having another loss but I can't let that fear stop me. What if this next one is the ONE???
I need to start my metformin and prenatals again. I took a break from all pills since my bfn. I needed it and I enjoyed it but now I am back in the game!!

I have been keeping myself busy lately. First, we have decided to buy an above ground pool this summer. I got all obsessed and have been researching like crazy between 2 pools we have our eyes on. I think I have made up my mind!
Then I was recently voted in to becoming the church secretary at my dads church. It's an honor that the members believe in me to handle ALOT of legal and confidential responsibility but I am also finding that OMG, I have alot of work to do. I have to update everything because so far nobody had been doing the job "correctly" according to all the information I am learning. I am also excited because I love to learn and love challenges. I am having to learn alot about the IRS, the State and the church. It's a bit overwhelming but I believe in myself. Plus, the pay that they offered isn't going to hurt either. ;)

My appt is on Monday. It has seemed way longer than 2 weeks since my bfn... My anger has died down a bit concerning the transfer (thawed 2 embryos when RE had agreed to thaw all 4 and transfer all that survived) but I plan bring it up. I read the book IVF: The ART of Making Babies front and back and learned alot. I am interested in further testing and plan to make a list of tests and procedures I might want to get done before my next ivf. Who knows, the RE might just blow my requests away but I am going in there confident and at least "acting" to be knowledgeable in what I have to say.
I also have my well woman that same day at 11am. I will be seeing a doc that a friend of mine recommended when I was PG so I decided I minus well get to know him now because *hopefully* he will be seeing alot of me after July. Hopefully I like him the way my friend claims I will.

My PG sister is visiting next week. Although I am glad to see her I am already feeling a little distant from her. I am scared of how I am going to react to actually have her there in person knowing that she is PG. I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings but at the same time I need to take care of myself. She is staying for about a week and a half and I am ashamed to say that I wish it wasn't that long. We had also made plans to go visit her and her dh in May for my b-day but instead I am getting a pool. I don't have any time left at work and will be taking alot of time off in June/July for ivf so I don't want to bother my boss for any more days off unless I have to. My sister was looking forward to it and actually so was I but now that she is PG I have about 3 excuses at hand to give to her as to why I am not going. I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I am even put in this situation and I am sure that if I ever have a healthy PG, I will regret this because I neglected my sister during a time that was special for her and a time that should had been special for us as sisters. Life is cruel.

The days are going by fast for me when I keep busy. I can't believe we are almost half way down April. June doesn't seem that far away to me so all I need to do is keep being busy. Before I know it, I will start shooting up again, doing the dildo cam again, all the torture of waiting again, etc. And maybe, hopefully getting PG again.

Easter weekend. Hmph! Well the break was nice. I slept in Friday for way toooo long. Aaron called me at lunch time (yes, 12pm!!!) and I woke up all freaked out. I cleaned some and then we headed to church.
On Saturday Aaron worked so my mom, my cousin, my friend's little girl and I went out for the afternoon. It was fun. My friends little girl ended up coming over and spending the night. She has been doing so alot lately. I don't mind at all. She will be 3 in May and she is just a joy. I love being around her and she makes me ache for a child so much more. I have been around her since she was in her mom's belly so we all have taken her in as our own. She makes the weekends easier on me emotionally (definately not physically :) ) and keeps my mind off of things. I think Aaron likes it too as I am not sitting at home all by myself being depressed.
Anyway, we went shopping on Saturday night with Aaron and we all got some nice Easter Sunday church clothes. I bought Mailey (the little girl) an Easter dress so on Sunday we all looked nice. We then went to dinner and just had a good time watching a movie and going to bed.
On Sunday we got up and got ready for church.
Once there we had to get our service ready and I just started to feel down. I don't know what it is about holidays but oh how they depress me. I started to cry and when I was practicing on stage (I sing back up at church) I just felt cold and stale. Aaron let me off and I went to the office and just cried. I sat there with no lights on and just cried. Aaron came in later and he just hugged me and then my little sister walked in (not the PG one) and hugged me. I told her why I was crying which was good for me as I am always trying to hide my feelings. I told her that I missed my baby and that I cry ALOT. I told her so she wouldn't freak out. She hugged me and then she told me some sweet things. She then decided to be funny and said she would be my baby and sat on my lap like a baby. Dummy!!! She did make me laugh though.
Overall, I made the effort not to breakdown anymore and to cheer up. It worked because I felt alot better afterwards.
I guess holidays are so revolved around kids that it feels like a slap in my face, a more than the usual slap in the face. I guess each Easter that passes is another year that I have been waiting for my turn to dress my little man or little girl in a suit or that puffy pastel dress. They are reminders of each depressing year that has passed by and I still have empty arms.
The next day I am SOOO dreading is my birthday. Blah. I know, usually birthdays are happy celebrations but not for me. I will be 28 years old. I feel my years are going by FAST. Since I turned 25 I SWEAR the years have gone by like days and before I know it I am heading towards my 30's. Fortunately, I am still considered pretty young in the fertility world but I can't help to notice that my plans for my life didn't go as expected. I thought I'd be having my 3rd and probably last child by now! HA!! Yeah, I wanted them pretty young, I just always pictured it that way.
I am holding on to the chance that maybe just maybe this is the last Easter with empty arms. *hopefully* If I got my bfp with ivf in June/July I'd be due in April. Yeah, I am thinking way ahead but it helps me to stay hopeful. Thats a nice thought!! Maybe next year around this time I will be giving birth or ready to give birth. Maybe I will have to buy that little suit or that puffy dress afterall. Hehe, that brings a smile to my face... Maybe, maybe, maybe... Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully...

AF is here today. I was worried because I had no signs of her coming but then I started to spot last night and definately no denying, she is here today.
I went home yesterday for half a day. I woke up at 4am with a fever and sick to my stomach. I tried to make it at work but at lunch time I decided there was no way I could sit here for the rest of the day so I left. I slept from 12:30pm until about 6pm! My temp was still the same (101) throughout the night until about 9pm when it finally dropped to 98.4. I slept again and woke up this morning feeling a bit off but SO much better than yesterday. I am off tomorrow for Good Friday so that is always a good thing!

This week has been rough on me. The bfn didn't sting me but now the after effects are here. It just makes losing the baby so much harder on me. I know I sound like a broken record but for some reason I just can't seem to move on. I still cry alot. I still ask why. I still think a thousand thoughts about what happened that day, what I did the day before, etc.. what I could have done. Its just a neverending road it seems. On Tuesday I was going to my parents house for lunch to pick something up and my dad was home. I had been crying driving over there and made myself stop but I got to my dads and he asked what was wrong. Of course, that made me start to cry all over and I ended up being there for about 40 minutes just bawling. The weird thing is that my dad really didn't say much. Sadly, I think he has run out of things to say and I think that even HE doesn't understand why I lost the baby. He doesn't have an answer and he doesn't pretend to. It actually made me feel better that he didn't say much. I just sat there crying.
I cry in the car alot. I cry when certain thoughts go through my mind. I just miss my baby so much and how I wish I could wake up and this all be a looong nightmare. I still can't believe I lost him and I still can't believe that I won't be having him. Then there are times where I can't believe that I was actually pregnant! I am telling you, I am going crazy!

Aaron and I decided that we are going to wait until June/July to start cycling again. That means bcp/Lupron in June and in July will be stims and ER/ET. It sounds like a long time away but I know it will go by fast plus I know its best. We both decided to try the south beach diet along with exercising more. Aaron is also starting his Fertility blend today. I just want to be healthier next time I get PG. If I was to get pg with multiples I want to do everything possible to have a healthy pg. We are both excited and feeling very motivated.
I think the break will also be good for me emotionally. As you read above, I need it. I am also debating whether or not to try accupuncture. I am still up in the air about it though.

Aaron keeps telling me we need to clear out the nursery room. He says we need to prepare and make steps of faith. I totally agree. I hate going in there though because it gives me this ache in the pit of my stomach because it feels so empty but at the same time I look around and try to picture it with a baby in the room along with furniture. I guess it all depends on my mood.

I will still be blogging here although I am not actively trying. I will come and vent because I am sure I will run into days that are unbearable or at least feel that way. I can also write about my progress with my lifestyle change! So until next time...

It's now official. BFFN. (yes I meant to put an extra "F"!) The funny thing was another nurse called and I could already tell by her "hello, Diana?" tone. She called as I was walking through a building here at work because I had to pick some paperwork for a coworker of mine so right when she announced the BFN she cut off... Then she cut back in. Then cut out. I had to tell her to repeat the funky news! I knew it was bfn but she didn't know I knew it was bfn so I am sure I made her a bit uncomfortable. There is no easy way of telling IF patients that their beta is negative. I felt bad for her!!

Anyway, I have a follow up on 4/16 to talk to the ol' doc. That gives me plenty of time to get all of my research done on testing and other options that we can possibly look at and bring it all to him. Until then, I guess here goes my hardcore healthy mode!!!

It felt like such a waste going into the lab this morning. I don't see the point when you already know. I guess its just to humiliate one even more. Ugh...
As I sat there I looked around. I can sort of tell when an infertile is in there. See, the clinic where I go is on the 4th floor ACROSS from OB/GYN so I see little bellies, HUGE bellies, weird bellies, round bellies, all kinds of bellies every single time I go there. You can't NOT run into them. I just roll my eyes as they passed me up today. True, who knows maybe they were once across the hall where I am but still... I don't know that!
Anyway, Aaron went with me and I told him I wasting blood. He then responded that blood makes regenerates itself (what the hell???). Um, okay. I meant, that I felt like this was a waste of time not to mention 3 hours of vacation taken from my job. Yes 3 hours because the clinic is about 45 minutes away from my house plus there was a line in the lab.
Anyway, I looked around and saw one lady who was older, maybe in her late 30's, I could tell she was in my clinic. Then another lady came in who looked over 40 who was also an infertile and I guess something went wrong because they had to call somebody on the phone (I am guessing her doctor or nurse) and she said very out loud too, "progesterone checked". Yeah, only a infertility patient would get that done unless of course she was PG but I don't think so. Then a foreign couple came in with an u/s pic of their baby. She wasn't showing or anything but I recognized the little card they put those u/s pics in. They gave me some when I was PG. Maybe she went through infertility. I know mine said "Fertility Specialist" on the top. I couldn't tell what hers said though... Then another girl comes in... That one was tricky. I couldn't tell. She looked like a mom but then again could be an infertile. Then of course, I thought I would escape them but nope, here came a "mommy" with her little toddler. I swear they need to seperate us because I was in such a lousy mood I wanted to be FAR AWAY from children/babies/PG women, etc.. Anything that reminded me of what I am missing!!!
Well the good part is the needle didn't hurt. Once I got to the back I was out of there in 2 minutes. Aaron and I rushed home and I made it to work...

I told Aaron that I am SOO looking forward to NOT seeing that damn building for a loooong time. When I first walked in there I was so hopeful, so excited. I was so naive too. Now its all a bad reminder of losing my baby, where I should be in my PG, how I would be across the hall now, how my body failed to get pg again and of course all the shots, the u/s, and the b/w. So now I am not so excited or hopeful when I walk in, its more of a stab in gut feeling. So yes, I will be looking forward to not seeing any of those pg women, and the clinic for a while... No more shots, no more pills, no more stress, no more waiting on phones calls... Just living life the way it is and letting my mind get back on track. Letting my body heal and my heart heal fully from losing our baby. That actually excites me, who would have thought?

BFNs SUCK BIG DONKEY BALLS!!!! I know that is pretty nasty to say but that is my favorite saying when it comes to bfns. I tested again last night and sure enough...bfn! Argh! Yeah, I am pretty sure I am out.
I am okay under the circumstances. They were more rough to see in the beginning and as more bfn's showed up, I got used to them so I don't get upset. But I am starting to feel stressed out about my next ivf cycle. Its been bringing me to tears every night while waiting to go to sleep. I guess its the not knowing what is going to happen and if it doesn't happen then what am I going to do next. I know I made plans but still it is all scary. I do have my pregnancy on my side because I did end up pg and in my very first cycle so that is good. But that doesn't mean squat (to me) because here I sit with a bfn in my hands after "you couldn't ask for more" embryos that we transfered 10 days ago. I need to learn (I think I have) that a baby is not guaranteed in all of this. I mean, try, try your hardest but its still not guaranteed. My next fresh cycle could very well end up a bfn and that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be that woman that did 5 ivf cycles and still ended up with nothing, nobody does! I was thinking yesterday though, positive thoughts for a change! I am young. I totally have that on my side. I will be 28 in May and although I am getting in my thirties soon that is still considered "young" in the ivf world.
I am also a good responder to meds. My body probably feels deprived since it never ovulates on its own so when it gets some meds it pretty much goes way beyond great expectations. That is excellent in ivf!
I have other things on my side so that makes me feel a bit safer. But again, baby not guaranteed. I will be okay though. I am excited to do ivf again. I mean, when I think about all the shots, all the appts, all the u/s, all the b/w, all the ovary pain, yeah, not too excited there but when I think of the possibility of ending up pg again, that excites the hell out of me!!!
So the plan is tomorrow is beta. I think I get a follow up with RE about what went wrong this cycle... I plan to bring up the issue of why he only put 2 of the frosties in when we had clearly agreed to all that made it through thaw, whether it was 1 or 4. I am still a bit confused about that and I want some answers. Once that is settled I will let him know I want to take a break of at least one cycle. I think that will be enough but I might end up changing my mind and extending it to 2 cycles. I plan to hit the healthy lifestyle hardcore and start exercising again. I want to lose some weight before I cycle again. I feel a little pudgier since being pg and feel that I am not back to normal so I am trying to lose that plus extra. I want to go into this next ivf in a good mood feeling good about myself and my chances. I ordered a book called "The Art of Making Babies" about ivf and plan to read it front to back to see if I could be doing anything more to improve my chances.

It would have been so nice to get a bfp this cycle but its okay. I will live.

7dp6dt...

My beta is this Friday. At least this can end whether in a good way or bad but it will end. I am still holding on hope that a line might appear but for now I am staying away from the hpts. I have one more and I am saving it for at least tomorrow or Wednesday. There isn't any amount of hpts I can buy to make a line magically appear. I minus well wait until I feel for sure that its a bfn.

I had a good day yesterday. We were at church and my mood was good. I guess the shock of the bfn has worn off so I kind of have come to terms with it. I find that it's easier this way.
I go through moods like underwear. One moment I feel doomed, that I will never be a mom, I hate my life, I wonder if I was with somebody else would I be pg by now (with Aaron's male factor this does cross my mind although I feel guilty about this because I love him SOO much and I WANT to have a baby with HIM), etc... Crazy! Then there are days where I am so positive, I know I will be a mother, I know that I will be PG, I know that one of these darn IVFs HAS to work for us, etc... Its funny but sad too.
Well yesterday was a good day and I even went as far as daydreaming. I was in church sitting in the sound booth (I am usually on stage singing but Aaron took me off during the 2ww... he said its too loud up there! lol... Hey, we are playing it on the safe side this time) with a newborn son (don't know why its a son but thats what came to my mind). He was beautiful and I looked at him in awe and I was telling myself that he was really mine. He had a blue blanket around him. I then kind of woke up and put my faith into action (I am really surprised I still know what faith is!) and said I believe I will have a child. I am telling myself that even when I don't feel like it.. Well that was at the beginning of service.
So then I went back to my class where I teach the kids there at church. I have all the school age kids. We were having class and a church member's mom who was visiting came and asked to speak to me. I went out to the hall and she said she just felt to pray for me. I said "okay". She did and prayed for my womb specifically. Now usually, I don't like people praying for me like that because I don't like to get my hopes up (like hey,they just prayed for me and I felt something... I should end up PG soon!), I get embarrased and I don't like telling people about our infertility. But heck, by now I am willing to try whatever.
Come to find out, my mom preached last night (my parents are pastors) and she was teaching about faith. I wasn't out there but Aaron told me. She said that she talked about me. She said she is believing in "something" with all of her heart. He says that for a while she didn't say what that "something" was. But in the end she revealed that it was for our child. She talked about how she doesn't understand why we have had the struggles we have had (me and Aaron). Why some women get PG who obviously don't deserve it (druggies, etc) and then someone who has been desiring it and pleading God about it can't. Someone who has been faithful, someone who lives a "good life", someone who is soo good with kids. She talked about the loss of my baby. She didn't understand why it all happened. But she said that she felt that she needed to have faith. She said how I (me) might not have faith all the time but she will hold me up with her faith.
It really touched me and believe me if this was 6 months ago I would be PISSED because I am embarrased of our infertility. But when I got PG I told the WHOLE church about IVF because I wanted to share how wanted this baby was, how far we had to go get him/her and how God provided us with that insurance. I felt I needed to testify (again, this is from somebody who NEVER spoke of our infertility to nobody in church) and be open with everybody. It felt good and people responded by supporting us and I feel that they all knew just how special that baby was to us. We had ALOT of support from people when we lost the baby. We had alot of prayer and encourement and for a bit I did regret opening my big mouth about IVF/infertility because I felt stupid. But then I realized, hey I believed, I was happy, I wanted the world to know what God did in my life so I told.
So now EVERYBODY knows about our infertility. :)
Thats why I am not mad at my mom. Hey, I figure, after that don't you think people will really pray for us and prayers cannot hurt, I am sure.
So Aaron said she spoke very nice and he felt fine about it. She went on to tell the congregation that she is going to start putting her faith into effect. She said she is going to start buying the baby stuff. She told them that yesterday she went and bought him/her first gift. Its a really really nice vibrating chair thing (don't know what they are called!) . She gave it to me after church and I proudly have it in my living room.
I know this may sound weird to some but it really helps me to think of all the support and prayers I have through all this. It helps that people are believing for me because Lord knows, (read about my "bad" days above) that I don't always have that faith I should have. It really touched me that my mom went that far and to hear that it is effecting her that much even makes me feel better.

The whole deal with my sister was a shock to me. I still am but I am actually excited to see what her baby is going to look like. The bad thing is that her dh is getting deployed to Iraq in October and she is due at the end of November. She will be moving here after he leaves. I am sad for her but I know that it will all be okay. So the baby will be born here and I will get to spend time with her and the baby. I am excited about that.
I was talking to Aaron and he brought up a good point. He said that he was thinking of all this with my sister and he said it actually brought relief to him. He said that with her having the first grandchild, he now feels relief and not so pressured. When he said that I totally agreed. I mean, it wasn't a race to begin with but my parents have been wanting a grandbaby for a long time. I shouldn't feel this way, but I felt guilty because I couldn't give them that. Now my sister is having the first therefore I don't feel guilty anymore. I mean, I still think I should had had the first baby but what can I do about it? Nothing. I then told him that I realize that our baby is going to be special whether it's the 1st or the 4th grandbaby because of the wait we all had to endure. We all were waiting and waiting. We all were anticipating the arrival of this baby for so long that when he/she finally comes, just his/ her existence will be special. Of course my sis' baby takes the race but its okay. Mine will be special and loved even though he wasn't first.
So yeah, I feel the pressure off and now there's just more waiting to be done.

Anyway, this was pretty deep so discuss among yourselves! :)

BFNs SUCK!!!! Well at least I am getting it out of my system eh? If this is really negative, at least I already had a taste of negative hpts... I don't want to wake up on 14 dpo feeling PG and then get hit with a blank white test. I rather let it sink in early...

I am NOT giving up yet though!! I still believe in my babies and still believe that they have a chance. Everytime I pass them up on the fridge (pic from RE) I kiss them and tell them to hang in there. I pat my belly and tell them to please stick around. Aaron is still believing so we haven't gave in to the negative yet. I am still early on in the game and this can still very much end up being a pregnancy cycle.

So my sister called me today. I haven't called her and I thought about it today but decided not to. I didn't want to stress out. I felt a bit guilty for avoiding her. Well she called and I almost didn't pick it up but I did. She asked how I was doing and how I felt. I told her I am just stressed. She then went on to tell me how she felt bad. She said that this baby should have went to me and not her. She said she felt God had messed up somewhere as I have been waiting for years. She said that she honestly thought she'd have trouble conceiving (I also had a feeling that she would) but obviously she doesn't. She said that she doesn't regret her pregnancy but if she could, she wished it would had been me and not her right now. She said it was MY time. Even her husband asked her if I was going to be upset about their PG. I thought it was sweet and of course I was crying. I told her I wasn't mad at her but that it's more of a why not me. I told her I felt that this was going to be negative but she says she has a good feeling about it. She also had a good feeling with my ivf so we will see. I told her I would love to be PG along with her. It would be fun! But yeah, it was nice of her. She told me that she had been thinking of me and that she put herself in my shoes.
It made me feel good and it took that jealousy away. I mean, I do wish I could be PG now but if I am not I will just have to accept this. There is no way I could stop talking to my sister so I just have to find a way to deal with it all. It sounds like she understands though.

Its been a rough road and unfortunately we still haven't came to the end. Only God knows when I will finally hold my children in my arms. I wish I could just wake up to that EXACT date. I want to feel normal and just be a woman, a mom. I want to forget this nightmare of waiting and crying and trying. I want to be picking out colors for the nursery, picking out furniture. Going to pedi appts. Going to the park, etc. I am just tired of waiting.
I told my sister to not take that baby for granted. She knows I would do ANYTHING to have what she has right now. She said she doesn't and she sees.

Hopefully I have some good news. Funny thing is if I am PG, I am already.. I just don't know it. The beans would be in there just getting comfy'er. If I am not, then I am not.. no matter how many tests I take. I guess its just waiting game now.

I slipped! I tested AGAIN and got a bfn. *sigh* I KNOW its early, I know but I am feeling that this cycle just didn't work. I don't know if it's just my fear talking but that's what I feel inside. I knew my ivf would work and it did, so with this one, I feel it didn't. I mean, sometimes I feel YES, it did work but not to often.

Of course I started crying and I hated to have to do that PIO shot. I had HUGE tears running down my face as Aaron stuck me with that stupid needle. It sucks you have to do so much and are not guaranteed anything. Aaron says to keep going, he says its too early, we could be PG... blah blah. I know but it still depresses me!!!

I am giving up on testing. Everytime I say I won't test I do, then get a bfn, then it ruins my whole day. Sooo I will test again after this weekend. I am tired and just want to relax and not think about this. (like who couldn't?)

I am still cramping pretty bad and my boobs actually started to hurt today. I am not sure if thats the progesterone kicking in or not but it did get me a little excited...that is until I saw that nasty EPT.

So I was thinking of what I was going to do if this doesn't work out and I came up with a plan. It made me feel good and hopeful so I need to focus on that. There is a back up plan and IVF has worked for us so I can't give up just because an FET didn't. (if it didn't) So I plan to do another fresh IVF cycle in the summer probably around June-July. I want to start all over. I know I have those 2 frozen ones but I don't want to do another FET. So I will do IVF in the summer. Hopefully it works! If not then I will definately take a looooong break and then comeback in a shared risk program. I would get 3 tries at IVF and 3 FETs for about $20K (after this FET and another ivf insurance is gone). If I don't come home with baby I get $17K back. Thats a pretty good deal! If you get PG the first cycle and have the baby, you will pay more in the end as one IVF cycle is around $10K but who cares as long as I have a baby! Aaron agreed so that gives me something to look forward to if this doesn't all work out. Lets hope that I don't have to go that far but let's also have a back up plan.

You know, getting these bfn's are starting to piss me off towards my RE. I TOLD him I wanted all babies that made it through thaw inside of me and HE decided to just do 2. Now, I can understand why, the babies looked good and he probably thought I had a pretty good chance. Also I am sure he doesn't want me to get PG with multiples as that is dangerous and there is not an option of selective reduction for us but still. I guess we don't know and neither does he if this worked with the 2 they put in me... But you know, I will always wonder "what if"...

Well back to waiting......

4dp6dt today! 10 dpo...

I am feeling down. I tested last night and got a bfn on 2 different tests. Now I know its still way early but since I tested positive last time in the same time frame, it has me feeling negative. I am trying to explain to myself how I read that frozen babies take a little while longer to show up on hpt's and how the babies had only been in my 3 days yesterday verses 4 days during my ivf cycle. So THAT could had made a difference.
I did have me some crying spells and this morning I woke up crying. Right now I am crying. I spoke to my mom and she was asking me how I felt. She just "knows" that I am PG. I know she is speaking in faith and I do believe but reality then sets in and tells me that I could NOT be PG. I mean its either I am or not. She was really encouraging me and I broke down over the phone. I opened up to her about my sister and how I feel it's going to be hard on me if I don't end up PG. She understood but really encouraged me and told me that she feels we will both be PG with our big bellies and everything will be fine. That would be beautiful to me to share this with my sister and all but will be the total opposite if I am the bitter infertile while she is the fertile mertile. KWIM? She told me not to think that way and to keep positive. I swear, I am trying!!!
I don't want to test tonight (for real, I don't) because I don't want to see another bfn. They are so ugly. Aaron says for me to test tomorrow which I will. I have one more test left and am saving it for tomorrow while I am at home all by myself. Testing early and getting bfns are screwing up my days so I minus well wait and let some time pass. Tomorrow will be 11 dpo and that is still early but I really hope that I can get at least a light positive.

Just wanted to check in... Now the days are going S L O W!!!! I wish they would hurry up! Today I am 3dp6dt or 9 dpo. This is when I got my bfp last time. I am thinking of testing tonight since I tested yesterday (WAY TOOO SOON!) and am curious to see if it will be the same as last time. Probably not since I heard FET's take a little longer for hcg to show up. We will see... I will post about it if I do. Oh and yes, yesterday's test was totally bfn.. But I knew it would be so it didn't hurt too much.
I wanted to come in a write what I have been physically feeling because I tried to look back in my 1ww after ivf#1 and I didn't journal my symptoms. They would help LOTS right now to compare notes... Oh well. I thought I would THIS cycle just for the heck of it.

So far, I have had cramping! Lots of it. I think that I had some before transfer though but they get pretty intense now. Today they seemed a little more calm but the last 2 days I would get some pretty bad ones. I also had some weird sensations in the belly and I had the stretching pain once. I got up real quick from my chair and I felt like a ligament pulling in my belly. I do remember this last time ( :) ) . I have been feeling dizzy but that could be from my meds. My boobs do not hurt but I am really not worried that as last time the boobs hurt WAY before we even fertilized so I knew it was from the stims before retrieval. So when I found out I was PG, I never counted the boobs to be part of the symptoms.
I am not too tired but I do feel drained sometimes. I have been feeling nauseated at times but nothing not too extreme and pretty much could be in my head.
I am not looking to much into these "symptoms" as it's too early. I just thought it would be fun to journal them just in case I am PG.

The thing with my sister is doing okay. I had my crying spells yesterday and last night I cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling better though. There isn't much I can do about it. It does bug me that she is calling ME to tell me her symptoms and how she feels. I know I am her sister and I WANT to be there for her but its hard right now. I am in a VERY stressful 1ww PLUS I just lost a baby NOT that long ago so most of the time I pull the phone away from my ear that way I don't say anything rude. I have thought about telling her NOT to call me to tell my her symptoms and all that crap but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is calling ME becauase she obviously feels comfortable talking to me about it so that makes me feel guilty. Oh well.
I found out her due date is 11-22. Mine would be 12-3. How funny! NOT!

Life is so funny sometimes. It's cruel and doesn't care whether or not certain events will kill you or knock you down. It doesn't care. It just happens. Days just go by and we are just watching the show of our lives. Sometimes we live the show but sometimes I think we just watch the show... maybe so that we don't get hurt.

My little sister who just got married in January (YES, of this year!) just called to announce she is PG. I am in shock and am actually a bit disgusted. I would never tell her this of course but that's how I feel. She is 24 and he is 29. He has had 2 kids from 2 different women and in the little time that they have been married, they have split up, fought, he kicked her out of the apt, etc. Just a mess so far!! She calls me all the time about how unhappy she is and how she thinks they had made a mistake. I try to give her advice and encourage her.
I always did warn her about getting PG. She has always been irregular but still.. you just never know. I told her to be careful. They weren't even sure if they were going to be together and here they are with a bun in oven. Of course she had no clue she was even PG and found out at the docs office after a UTI.
I am in shock and don't even know what to say. I try to play it cool but I of course I am HEATED. Life is just so unfair. It's just cruel. It doesn't care who it hurts.
My sister is the last person I imagine as a mom. I am sure that will change though once she has her baby but it's just so weird to imagine her in that way.
Oh God, I just can't believe this. I wanted to give my parents the first grandchild and have been working damn hard to do so. All she had to do was have sex. This is just great.

I stayed up last night just laying there wide eyed in the dark. I am very positive after our transfer and seeing our babies but it still can very much be negative, kwim?? It scares me but I don't stay there... I keep thinking that I AM pregnant and can't wait to see those 2 lines. I sure hope I am right. The only thing is that during my fresh ivf cycle, I had the sore boobs way before egg RETRIEVAL.. I imagine it was all the hormones in my body, so I never took it as a sign of PG because it had always been there way before the embies were even transferred. My prog was a little low too (compared to other PG women) coming in at 24 and 25 when I was PG so not too sure what that was about. I guess if my boobs start to hurt that is a good sign. I was reading that once the blasts have hatched from its shells they are ready to implant and WILL within 24 hours!!! That means mine should had already implanted! Yikes!!! Thats crazy.

Its kind of weird starting at 6 dpo from the get go... That means the babies implant and then they start to make hcg a couple of days after implantation (am I right?) and then the symptoms begin...
Last PG I had no symptoms besides being sleepy so its going to be hard to detect... Hopefully I get full blast m/s and full blast sore boobs in a couple of days.. hehe

I slept good when I finally went to sleep. He rubbed my tummy and prayed for our little babies last night too. He has been kissing my belly and cleaning for me. He tells me to sit down since I am on couch rest... hehe Too cute!!!

My beta isn't until a week from Friday. I will definately be testing before that.. probably this weekend. WOW! I can't wait.

WOW!!! Where can I begin?? It was as good as it could get! We got there and apparently MY nurse had messed up the times.. I wasn't supposed to be there until 1:30 but my paperwork clearly read 12pm. I was ticked but once we got back there it was all good.
I got in my sexy nighty (hehe... gown) and my hat and my slippers.. Aaron put on his gown and hat too. I told him hopefully next time I see him in a gown will be when we are in labor. :)
So the nurse comes in to answer questions, etc. I am ready to go!! Dr. Dunn gets there and he comes in and says we have 2 (immediately my heart sank because I thought only 2 out of our 4 made it). CHANGE OF PLAN! They thawed one straw first to see how they would do (we had 2 straws with 2 embryos in each). Our first straw with the 2 babies did PERFECTLY. They were growing just how they should and one had even hatched from its shell ready to implant somewhere... The 2nd one was just a bit behind but catching up. We got our pic and they looked beautiful. You can see the one's shell and the other starting to hatch... Well between taking the picture and the actual transfer the 2nd one had hatched from its shell too!!! Little sneaky baby! So they were ready to be inside of mama ASAP! The doc and nurse were so happy for us and said we couldn't have asked for anything better in a transfer. He said at my age, the 2 perfect blasts was good. If they would have seen them low quality or slow at growing they would had put all 4, so that makes me feel really good.
I am sooooooooooo happy! I can't believe out of 2 frozen BOTH made it through thaw! Alot of times only one makes it so we are thrilled. Now onto the horrible 2ww but for some reason I am more excited then nervous now....

Just wanted to check in again before tomorrow. Its now less than 24 hours away and I am just so excited. My weekend ended up being busier than I thought so I can't believe that it's over that fast.
I feel good and optimistic. I feel like everything is going to be okay with my embies and that they will thaw perfectly. I get scared of thinking that this could be it because I don't want to be wrong but I have to just believe. I pray that I am NOT wrong but that this is it for me and Aaron. That we will finally have children of our own and that this was the purpose of that awesome insurance we got last year (even though we don't have it anymore, it still was able to give us these 4 embies!!). That it was all predestined. God is with me and I just ask Him to help me get through this no matter the outcome.
Aaron is excited. He said he was thinking about it alot this weekend. We are just hoping it works, you know? We don't want the disappointment of a BFN and of course we don't ever want to lose a baby again so thats where we are at. We are holding on together and just hoping for the best out of this FET.

I will update when I can!!!

Happy Friday!! I can't believe this week is gone! I have been keeping really busy here at work. I had tons of filing to do and tons of shredding. I caught up and finally I am done. My work area looks nice and clean. I can hardly recognize it! Being out 2 days next week will be much more easier and stress free without work waiting on me.

So now I am only about 2 days away from the transfer. I am nervous but still not too much. I guess once the weekend starts ending it will seem more real. I prayed very specifically today about the whole process and it made me feel better and more relaxed.

I am trying to decide what to do when I am at home on Monday and Tuesday. Hmm, maybe rent some movies?? We don't have a tv in our room so I will actually be layed out on the couch the whole time. I just seem to not be able to lay there too long as I get bored but I will try my hardest to be lazy! ;)

Aaron has been very sweet. He has been giving me massages since I told him I was really stressed and tense. He also surprised me with some flowers yesterday! He brought them himself to my office and they are soooooooooooo pretty. They are 6 pink Tulips!! They are beautiful to look at and I will take a pic later for the scrapbook (which I need to start on!). He said they were just to cheer me up. How sweet! I had them here at the office but I am taking them home with me so I can look at them all weekend.

Aaron and I were talking last night. We just talked about our concerns, our hopes, etc. It sounds like we are on the same page which always helps, right? Aaron is really optimistic and full of faith AGAIN and that helps me tremendously. I am feeling pretty positive too.

Soooo I decided to test before beta (WHO CAN WAIT UNTIL BETA???) and I am thinking of testing next weekend, probably Friday night just in case, God forbid, it's a bfn, I can have the whole weekend to sulk. I don't know when my beta will be as I will call to make that appt after transfer. I think its 10-14 days AFTER transfer so that is the week of the 26th... Too long for me to wait either way! I have heard that during FETs, the hcg starts off slower than a fresh cycle positive beta... So I don't want to test too early like I did last time. Hmm, just looked at the calendar and Friday is only 10 dpo... That is too early. Maybe I will wait for Saturday at least!! My moms' birthday is the Monday after my transfer so I am praying I have a little extra gift to give her that day. Pray that I do, please!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! Okay, just felt like screaming! I am sooo excited!! :)

I'm back!!!! It went well. The good news is my lining was at 9!! They wanted it at 7 so mine is good and I still have 6 days for it to grow even more!!! I got my instructions and am set! My transfer is on Monday at 12pm. LUNCH TIME...

As I was sitting there I had flashbacks. The clinic used to give me hope but now I think of that day when we found out our baby had died. I waited in the same room today that I waited that day. Thank God I didn't have my u/s in the same room but I passed it up and it made me get a huge lump in my throat. Now the clinic gives me a stomach ache and just a sick feeling. I am hoping that soon I will be going across the hall from my clinic- the ob/gyn. It's kind of weird that they have it set up that way but whatever. I see biggo pregnant ladies go to the left while I go to the right- Fertility Center. It sucks! One day, I want to go the left. I will one day.

I hate thinking about how far I would have been. I would be around 18-20 weeks!!! I don't remember exactly but I know it's around that time frame. I would have my belly by now. :(
I would be finding out the sex of the baby (BOY!) and beginning to buy furniture. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe just maybe I will be doing that... say around... July?? I sure hope so.

Yipeee! We are one week away as of today. Wow, time has gone by FAST. As I look at the hours of the day, yes, they seem to drag on but when I see that weeks or days have gone by, it seems FAST. I remember just taking my provera pills the other day?

Tomorrow is my u/s. I am a little nervous but I am sure it will go good. All it is is a quick check of my lining to make sure its thick enough. I believe my clinic wants it over 8mm. During IVF, it got to the point of 13mm towards the end! Hopefully the Estrace tablets did their job right? I am not sure if I get to see the nurse or not... I guess so since she could give me my results right then and there.

The days are going fast (I already said that!) and my actual transfer is creeping up. Yes, I am excited, VERY excited! But I am also terrified. I had a breakdown last night. I think its the first one so far so that is good. It's all overwhelming and now with a miscarriage under my belt, it's even more scarier then when I was doing my fresh cycle. So many things can go wrong and I am totally aware of it now more than ever. But what can I do? I told Aaron that I just have to do it. I can't let my fear stop me. Even if it's a bfn, at least I tried right? I could just sit around and let my embies chill in the lab but what good will that do? It's not like me and Aaron could get pg naturally so why waste time?? I am turning 28 in May. I hate that I am getting older and I have no kids. That was not the plan. I hate feeling left out when women get together. Usually kids always comes up in the conversation and most likely is the focus of the conversation. I have nothing to contribute. Nothing. I don't have any stories, no experiences, no input.
We went to a party on Saturday night and my cousin and a girl I just met (both in early 30s) were talking and of course like always, the conversation shifted to schools and more crap about their kids. I literally walked out and went outside to hang out with Aaron which was with the guys. Or I hang out with the teens who I get along with great! I hate feeling like I am alone. There aren't many women like me- infertile. They are around but usually we know WAY more fertiles then infertiles, am I right?
It just sucks and like I told Aaron, I am ready for this journey to END. I want closure!!