It's been another while huh?? lol
Sorry!
So much has happened then again, nothing has happened. My sister's wedding is like a month away! I can't believe it so close. My other sister should be having her baby in about 2-3 weeks!!!
I am doing okay. I have been really focusing on my health and today (I weigh myself every Wednesday morning) I hit my 20lb loss!!! Woohoo!! I can't believe it. I don't feel like I've lost so much but I think it's the denial of thinking I wasn't that fat. Yeah right. I've been working out hard though. I've been eating SO much better. I've been tanning. I've been dressing differently. I feel better about myself everyday.
Aaron has lost about 30lbs himself! But he gains it back SO easily so he is working hard too.
My cousins quinceanera is this Saturday. I had bought a GORGEOUS dress to wear but unfortunately, I still don't fit into it. So I went out and bought me another GORGEOUS dress to wear. lol Aaron also got him some nice dabs so we will both be looking hot and classy on Saturday. I can't wait!
TTC... hmmm. What is it again?? J/K! How can I forget?!? Well that's still on hold (unless we somehow create a miracle here) but we've been talking. Aaron has REALLY started to talk about children. We've taken out our little god daughter and out of the blue while holding her he will say "I want a little one". Our deal still exists that we won't do anything or go into deep decision making until next year. I can't handle that right now plus I really want to lose more weight.
I did have a dream about a week ago though. I dreamt that I was looking at this little 2-3 year old girl who had red hair but my color of skin (olive). She was beautiful. In my dream I knew I was a foster parent to her. All of a sudden while staring at her I got this overwhelming feeling of wanting to adopt her. I remember thinking "this is my daughter, I want her to stay". So in the middle of the night while it was raining I call my agency lady and tell her "I want to adopt her". She tells me "this is what you called me for at 2am??" I said "yes, she is my daughter, I want her". So the lady goes on to tell me we will fill out paperwork the next day.
I can't explain the feeling I got after that (in my dream). I remember thinking "this is my daughter, this is what I've been waiting for, FINALLY". I just felt peace in my heart. It was sweet. I woke up smiling.
Aaron and I had actually be toying with adoption lately. Not anything deep or serious but more of "maybe". He says he knows we'd love an adopted child as our own (which is one of my secret fears). We've just been randomly talking about options but again, nothing serious until next year.
The funny thing is I get the reenrollment info on Aaron's health packet and lo and behold the adoption reimburesment has now increased from $5K to $10K in 2008. I am not sure if I ever updated but the HR lady I was talking to about increasing the IF coverage ($10K lifetime max) did finally give me an answer and it was a "no". A nice "no" but regardless it felt like crap. I still have some coverage though but I decided to change over to the other insurance company that dh's company has. If I am not mistaken, this other plan will cover 90% of IF treatment regardless if it is in or out of network which in the plan I have now does 90% in network and 80% out of network. If we do IVF again, we will switch clincs and might end up traveling so I think this is the best choice.
I have been feeling stressed about my sister being due pretty much any day now. If I think about it too much I cry so I just don't think about it. I am so scared of how I am going to react when I finally meet this little guy. I know I will love him but OMG I think I am going to break down. My other sister's friend also is due any day now and it stings.
**major venting ahead and just want to get this off of my chest, please, do not get offended**
I don't know if any other ladies out there that have had a m/c can relate but I often wonder why them and not me. I mean, what is so special about their babies and not mine?? Why did they get to carry to term and my baby died at 9 weeks?
I struggle with this thought everytime I see a pg woman or hear about somebody being due. I would never wish a m/c on someone but I just wonder what makes them so special....
It's going to be a hard holiday this year because last Christmas, I was pregnant. I had already planned for this Christmas and how our baby would had been 4 months. It's going to suck big donkey balls especially if my sister and new nephew are around. *sigh*
I will make it through though...
Love you ladies!! Please, give me updates on any old friends of mine!!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Heeeeeeellloooooooooo!!!
Just wanted to let everyone know (if anybody is still reading my lame blog) that I am alive! Hanging in there and getting ready for our getaway next weekend!!! YAY!
Nothing else new unfortunately. I miss everyone (FF!!) and I hope everything is good in your end. Drop me a line to update me!!
Just wanted to let everyone know (if anybody is still reading my lame blog) that I am alive! Hanging in there and getting ready for our getaway next weekend!!! YAY!
Nothing else new unfortunately. I miss everyone (FF!!) and I hope everything is good in your end. Drop me a line to update me!!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I am having withdrawal symptoms. My FF subscription was up yesterday and I didn't renew- for now. I will be back but since I am not ttc right now, it's best if I stay away. Reading about all the ivf's and fet's give me the itch so I figured I put my focus on something else. So for now I am on my runboard bg's, perezhilton (hehe), hotmail, and the local news. Feels weird because I LIVED on FF but I will get used to it.... NOW FOR MY LP GIRLS, WHAT HAPPENED?? I've been wanting to check in the buddy group but I can't get in to LP aka "the dark place or other side"?? Anybody want to give me some hints? It keeps saying it's down!
This week has been good. I've been keeping up with my exercise and my good eating habits. On Saturday night we went to a b-day surprise party for my sister's fiance and I just felt so confident. I bought me a nice fitted shirt to wear and I wore my skinny jeans (which are starting to fit me baggy!!!!) and some nice gold wedge shoes. I wore my jewelry, nice smokey eyes, shiney lipgloss and nice straightened long hair. I think I got about 5 compliments!!! Of course Aaron was all about "you look sooo sexy" then the fiance's family who I haven't seen in a while told me that I looked like I was losing weight-that BOTH of us looked like we were losing weight. Then fiance's aunt told me I was looking so good and that I looked tall and thinner while she looked shorter and fatter. lol Then my mom came up to me afterwards and told me that I looked like I was getting thinner. I said "I am trying". So of course that blew up my head (in a good way) and motivated me to keep going.
I have some short term goals. I am waiting to lose another 10lbs so that I can treat myself to a nice cute haircut. My hair is getting LONG so I need to lose those 10lbs!! Then for my cousin's quinceanera, I bought me a BEAUTIFUL dress. I had bought a cute cocktail dress but I fell in love with a gorgeous Tadashi gold LOOOONG dress that I saw online. I actually saw the new Jenny Craig chick wearing a maroon one. It's the commercial with her and Kirsty Alley by a big cake. Anyways, I don't know her name but she is an actress and was married to a rocker. Well I LOVED that dress. I found a similar one but of course at Nordstrom's and it was $500!!!! I ended up searching and searching and bought a brand new EXACT dress at an Ebay store for $300! That is the most I've ever spent on a dress (except my wedding dress of course) but I just had to have it. Plus, it's a very good way to keep me motivated. I HAVE to lose weight to wear that dress. The party is on November 3rd so it's getting close but I am working hard. I hope I feel comfortable enough to wear it then.
I also had to go get my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding. I bought it a size smaller but I am hoping that by Dec. 8th, THAT size will be too big and I will have to have it taken in even more. I can't wait!!!
Aaron and I are doing good. We are the closest we have ever been. We are more honest with each other than we have ever been. We have been having some GREAT AWESOME loving that just rocks my world. :) We are planning a getaway trip to South Padre Island in Oct. We are both excited about that. We are attending a "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference over there. I've heard and read nothing but great things about this conference. We will leave on a Friday morning, go to the beach then go to the conference. The next morning we have another class and that night they give us the night off for "date night". Then Sunday morning we have some more classes and then we come home. We are thinking about heading to Mexico though for the day/night then coming back on Monday. I love to shop and eat over there!! We'll see though.
I had been struggling these last 2 days though. My mind was a little off and I broke down both days. This past Sunday we had to put my 10 year old dog to sleep. We've had her since she was 5 years old. She had a back problem about a month ago. We took her to the vet and we were told she had a ruptured disc. She went paralyzed from her 2 front legs. The vet suggested surgery but for $5K, we couldn't do it. She said we could try steroids but that we would have to watch her very carefully. We did. I faithfully gave her her pills in the morning and at night. Aaron and I took turns in taking her outside. She had to be carried as she was not allowed to move. I kept her in a small crate as ordered by the vet. That was for 2 weeks and by the end of it she was FINE!! She was walking fine, even would try to run but we would stop her. About 4 days past after finishing her meds and I was going to take her to the vet this week. Well on Sunday we got home and everything was normal. She was fine. I was watching TV and Aaron had just went outside to cut the grass. I heard her scream LOUD. I looked at her (she was right there by me) and her little leg looked like it was cramping up. I thought she got a charlie horse since she is old. I called Aaron in and by the time we got back in she was on the floor on her side. She pooped and peed on herself. Aaron said "babe, I think she went paralyzed". I told him no she was just fine. Turns out she did. He felt all her legs and even pinched them (that's what the vet does) and she felt nothing. I was bawling. She tried to pick up her little head but couldn't. I just still can't believe how it happened!!! I was right there! So then she starts breathing very slow and shallow and we both thought she was dying. I think really it was her being freaked out. Aaron ended up taking her to the vet. We knew what was going to happen. The vet (different one) suggested surgery again but said that it probably wouldn't do any good because the disc had now affected her spine too much.
Aaron decided to put her to sleep. She had lost all control of everything. I didn't go as I couldn't. It would be too hard. Aaron said he wasn't going to be there when it happened but at the last minute he couldn't leave her all alone. He said she kissed him like she always did and he petted her and told her what a good dog she had been. He said he was bawling. The doc then gave her a shot and she went to sleep. I was at home crying. The thing that kills me is her looking at me. When I said my goodbyes, her little eyes just looked at me like "what is going on?". She had no clue and that makes me feel so guilty. But I knew that was the best thing for her. I just can't believe she is gone. The house feels so strange without her. My other dog (also a dachshund which scares the crap out of me since 2 out of 3 dachshunds that we've had had this happen to them) seems a little sad even. She mopes around at times but at least she has Toni (our cat) to keep her occupied. They get along GREAT and they wrestle and run around the house like chicken's with their heads cut off. If it wasn't for Toni, she'd be very lonely.
I miss my little old lady. I used to call her that. I miss her laying by me but I know that she is better now. She was just the sweetest dog ever and I will miss her greatly.
So the feelings of loss came up with Zoe and then that got me thinking about the m/c. So odd. It just brought back all these feelings I have with losses in my life. I just felt so funky. I am better now though but still, these 2 days were a little harsh on me.
That's all that's going on with me. Just taking it one day at a time trying to better myself.
This week has been good. I've been keeping up with my exercise and my good eating habits. On Saturday night we went to a b-day surprise party for my sister's fiance and I just felt so confident. I bought me a nice fitted shirt to wear and I wore my skinny jeans (which are starting to fit me baggy!!!!) and some nice gold wedge shoes. I wore my jewelry, nice smokey eyes, shiney lipgloss and nice straightened long hair. I think I got about 5 compliments!!! Of course Aaron was all about "you look sooo sexy" then the fiance's family who I haven't seen in a while told me that I looked like I was losing weight-that BOTH of us looked like we were losing weight. Then fiance's aunt told me I was looking so good and that I looked tall and thinner while she looked shorter and fatter. lol Then my mom came up to me afterwards and told me that I looked like I was getting thinner. I said "I am trying". So of course that blew up my head (in a good way) and motivated me to keep going.
I have some short term goals. I am waiting to lose another 10lbs so that I can treat myself to a nice cute haircut. My hair is getting LONG so I need to lose those 10lbs!! Then for my cousin's quinceanera, I bought me a BEAUTIFUL dress. I had bought a cute cocktail dress but I fell in love with a gorgeous Tadashi gold LOOOONG dress that I saw online. I actually saw the new Jenny Craig chick wearing a maroon one. It's the commercial with her and Kirsty Alley by a big cake. Anyways, I don't know her name but she is an actress and was married to a rocker. Well I LOVED that dress. I found a similar one but of course at Nordstrom's and it was $500!!!! I ended up searching and searching and bought a brand new EXACT dress at an Ebay store for $300! That is the most I've ever spent on a dress (except my wedding dress of course) but I just had to have it. Plus, it's a very good way to keep me motivated. I HAVE to lose weight to wear that dress. The party is on November 3rd so it's getting close but I am working hard. I hope I feel comfortable enough to wear it then.
I also had to go get my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding. I bought it a size smaller but I am hoping that by Dec. 8th, THAT size will be too big and I will have to have it taken in even more. I can't wait!!!
Aaron and I are doing good. We are the closest we have ever been. We are more honest with each other than we have ever been. We have been having some GREAT AWESOME loving that just rocks my world. :) We are planning a getaway trip to South Padre Island in Oct. We are both excited about that. We are attending a "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference over there. I've heard and read nothing but great things about this conference. We will leave on a Friday morning, go to the beach then go to the conference. The next morning we have another class and that night they give us the night off for "date night". Then Sunday morning we have some more classes and then we come home. We are thinking about heading to Mexico though for the day/night then coming back on Monday. I love to shop and eat over there!! We'll see though.
I had been struggling these last 2 days though. My mind was a little off and I broke down both days. This past Sunday we had to put my 10 year old dog to sleep. We've had her since she was 5 years old. She had a back problem about a month ago. We took her to the vet and we were told she had a ruptured disc. She went paralyzed from her 2 front legs. The vet suggested surgery but for $5K, we couldn't do it. She said we could try steroids but that we would have to watch her very carefully. We did. I faithfully gave her her pills in the morning and at night. Aaron and I took turns in taking her outside. She had to be carried as she was not allowed to move. I kept her in a small crate as ordered by the vet. That was for 2 weeks and by the end of it she was FINE!! She was walking fine, even would try to run but we would stop her. About 4 days past after finishing her meds and I was going to take her to the vet this week. Well on Sunday we got home and everything was normal. She was fine. I was watching TV and Aaron had just went outside to cut the grass. I heard her scream LOUD. I looked at her (she was right there by me) and her little leg looked like it was cramping up. I thought she got a charlie horse since she is old. I called Aaron in and by the time we got back in she was on the floor on her side. She pooped and peed on herself. Aaron said "babe, I think she went paralyzed". I told him no she was just fine. Turns out she did. He felt all her legs and even pinched them (that's what the vet does) and she felt nothing. I was bawling. She tried to pick up her little head but couldn't. I just still can't believe how it happened!!! I was right there! So then she starts breathing very slow and shallow and we both thought she was dying. I think really it was her being freaked out. Aaron ended up taking her to the vet. We knew what was going to happen. The vet (different one) suggested surgery again but said that it probably wouldn't do any good because the disc had now affected her spine too much.
Aaron decided to put her to sleep. She had lost all control of everything. I didn't go as I couldn't. It would be too hard. Aaron said he wasn't going to be there when it happened but at the last minute he couldn't leave her all alone. He said she kissed him like she always did and he petted her and told her what a good dog she had been. He said he was bawling. The doc then gave her a shot and she went to sleep. I was at home crying. The thing that kills me is her looking at me. When I said my goodbyes, her little eyes just looked at me like "what is going on?". She had no clue and that makes me feel so guilty. But I knew that was the best thing for her. I just can't believe she is gone. The house feels so strange without her. My other dog (also a dachshund which scares the crap out of me since 2 out of 3 dachshunds that we've had had this happen to them) seems a little sad even. She mopes around at times but at least she has Toni (our cat) to keep her occupied. They get along GREAT and they wrestle and run around the house like chicken's with their heads cut off. If it wasn't for Toni, she'd be very lonely.
I miss my little old lady. I used to call her that. I miss her laying by me but I know that she is better now. She was just the sweetest dog ever and I will miss her greatly.
So the feelings of loss came up with Zoe and then that got me thinking about the m/c. So odd. It just brought back all these feelings I have with losses in my life. I just felt so funky. I am better now though but still, these 2 days were a little harsh on me.
That's all that's going on with me. Just taking it one day at a time trying to better myself.
Monday, September 10, 2007
So I was abducted by these mean aliens and I just got home. lol
Sorry, no excuse!! I haven't checked in, in a looooong time. SORRY!!!
Oh and I wanted to mention something, since it bugs me. My blog name is "my belly is NOT empty". Well, you might ask, why did she name it that??? Well I didn't. I orginally named it "my belly is empty" but then I got pg. I changed it to what it is now and when I changed it, it screwed something up where people couldn't access it. Well then I lost the baby and I never changed it back. Oops. But I will leave it that way to not cause anymore confusion. Hopefully one day, my belly won't be empty for at least 9 months!
Which brings me to the point of this post. I am NOT ttc right now. I know I was all hyped about my upcoming FET which by the way, I just realized I'd be starting Estrace just about now. But instead, I have NO clue what is going on with my body. I am cd31 and no sign of AF. But what is new??? I haven't got AF w/o provera in over a year probably.
I just realized (well, I've known all along but didn't want to look into it too much) that alot of other areas in my life had been neglected. First and foremost, my marriage. I realized that Aaron and I are in 2 totally seperate worlds. Through all this ttc crap, IVFs, and the miscarriage, I've somehow managed to be defined by these chapters of my life. Thats who I've become. A woman who is sad, bitter, miserable and doesn't care about anything BUT this. My husband is there for me but can't really reach in anymore since I won't let him or I don't want him to because he just doesn't get it. He's a man who is married to a bitter woman. He is a man who comes home to a woman who is just unhappy. It's NOT fun to be with somebody who is unhappy. I know that firsthand because Aaron is unhappy with me. We had fun and all but deep down, I knew he was unhappy with me. It's a big circle. KWIM??
Good thing is we realized it. Bad thing is it something BAD for us to see it. And it took us almost seperating and me contemplating a divorce. YUP. All this in the last 2 weeks. There are other issues of course since it's not always one thing but I truly believe that this point of view on life that I have or had, was and is the culprit to why we were screwed up.
Aaron and I are FINALLY on the same page. From what I see and observe in him, he is just as willing to make this work and maybe a bit more than me. He wanted to keep going in our ttc journey but since I am unsure of things, I thought it was best to take a break. I am not unsure of my marriage (maybe a little bit) but more just unsure of what is going to happen. You know, that I don't want to get back to that place where I was mad at the world. So for now, no ttc, no FET, no IVF, no urologist, no acupuncture, and no meds. I cancelled our urologist appt, I cancelled my acupuncute sessions and instead made an appt with a marriage counselor and have us going to a Weekend to Remember conference in Oct. It feels "weird" not to try but it actually feels GOOD. VERY good.
I am also working hard on my health. I am losing weight! YAY!! To date I've lost about 10lbs but 15lb in all. Yay!! With all this marriage crap I did get off the bandwagon but I am back on full force. Also, Aaron is with me. He's lost about 15lbs too. It's great. It's like I realize that I do have a life and that it's worth living even under my circumstances. I used to feel that I just couldn't live w/o ttc or w/o being pg but I am proving to myself that I can. I do want to get pg and I do want to have a baby and I think that deep down I truly believe that I will one day but for now, I need to prepare for that very special day. I need to make sure everything else is all good. I need to prove to that future baby that they were worth the wait. No matter how long and no matter how hard, it was all worth it. And to be worth it, everything in my pre-baby life needs to be good and ready to go.
I am not sure when I will start back up again. I would really like to wait until next year. My sister is getting married in Dec. and my other sister is having her baby in Nov. (which by the way, it STILL hurts) so it's going to be a busy holiday season for our family this year. I don't want to put a damper on things with meds, bfns or the "let's walk on eggshells, DIANA is here!" mode on our Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family has also paid a price so I want to make up that time with them.
Don't think that I think it's bad to feel the way I do. I don't. I have a right. I've had a rough year. I've been actively ttc for over 4 years now (but not preventing for over 5 so my heart has been wanting this for a LONG time) and have submitted to ivf as a resort. I had my dream of 4 years, yanked out me just like that. I do have a right to feel down, let down and unsure of what to do. But it's not those feelings that are the poison. It's what I do with those feelings. It's how I am letting those feelings over take me like a vine on a wall. Those feelins run me and define me and everybody around me has to pay. It's okay that I have down days and I will have them but I will cry and lean on Aaron or my family and keep going. I will keep my spirit of fun Diana, the one who people love to be around. The girl who makes jokes and people love. The one who is strong and bold. The one who keep's striving and knows that one day this struggle will be over. The one with not only happiness in her soul but true JOY. I want JOY in my life again, in my marriage and in myself. Not just happiness that lasts in day spurts but JOY that lasts throughout my lifetime.
I will keep going on this blog. I mean, I will ttc again. And of course, I have that little secret feeling of *hope* that we'll be one of those "got pg during ivf break" cases but of course that's all it is- "HOPE". It won't be stopping my life it will be just in the back of my mind. And if nothing then Aaron and Diana will comeback at full force sometime next year ready to get those twins we want. lol
I do get that fear in my mind of I am wasting time but I keep telling myself that I am young. I am 28 years old and according to my RE my eggs are good besides the PCOS. But with PCOS, the health thing is good for that so its a win-win situation. Plus, it's not like I am going on a 4 year break. But yeah, it's a little scary to not try. lol But again, it feels SOO good.
Sorry, no excuse!! I haven't checked in, in a looooong time. SORRY!!!
Oh and I wanted to mention something, since it bugs me. My blog name is "my belly is NOT empty". Well, you might ask, why did she name it that??? Well I didn't. I orginally named it "my belly is empty" but then I got pg. I changed it to what it is now and when I changed it, it screwed something up where people couldn't access it. Well then I lost the baby and I never changed it back. Oops. But I will leave it that way to not cause anymore confusion. Hopefully one day, my belly won't be empty for at least 9 months!
Which brings me to the point of this post. I am NOT ttc right now. I know I was all hyped about my upcoming FET which by the way, I just realized I'd be starting Estrace just about now. But instead, I have NO clue what is going on with my body. I am cd31 and no sign of AF. But what is new??? I haven't got AF w/o provera in over a year probably.
I just realized (well, I've known all along but didn't want to look into it too much) that alot of other areas in my life had been neglected. First and foremost, my marriage. I realized that Aaron and I are in 2 totally seperate worlds. Through all this ttc crap, IVFs, and the miscarriage, I've somehow managed to be defined by these chapters of my life. Thats who I've become. A woman who is sad, bitter, miserable and doesn't care about anything BUT this. My husband is there for me but can't really reach in anymore since I won't let him or I don't want him to because he just doesn't get it. He's a man who is married to a bitter woman. He is a man who comes home to a woman who is just unhappy. It's NOT fun to be with somebody who is unhappy. I know that firsthand because Aaron is unhappy with me. We had fun and all but deep down, I knew he was unhappy with me. It's a big circle. KWIM??
Good thing is we realized it. Bad thing is it something BAD for us to see it. And it took us almost seperating and me contemplating a divorce. YUP. All this in the last 2 weeks. There are other issues of course since it's not always one thing but I truly believe that this point of view on life that I have or had, was and is the culprit to why we were screwed up.
Aaron and I are FINALLY on the same page. From what I see and observe in him, he is just as willing to make this work and maybe a bit more than me. He wanted to keep going in our ttc journey but since I am unsure of things, I thought it was best to take a break. I am not unsure of my marriage (maybe a little bit) but more just unsure of what is going to happen. You know, that I don't want to get back to that place where I was mad at the world. So for now, no ttc, no FET, no IVF, no urologist, no acupuncture, and no meds. I cancelled our urologist appt, I cancelled my acupuncute sessions and instead made an appt with a marriage counselor and have us going to a Weekend to Remember conference in Oct. It feels "weird" not to try but it actually feels GOOD. VERY good.
I am also working hard on my health. I am losing weight! YAY!! To date I've lost about 10lbs but 15lb in all. Yay!! With all this marriage crap I did get off the bandwagon but I am back on full force. Also, Aaron is with me. He's lost about 15lbs too. It's great. It's like I realize that I do have a life and that it's worth living even under my circumstances. I used to feel that I just couldn't live w/o ttc or w/o being pg but I am proving to myself that I can. I do want to get pg and I do want to have a baby and I think that deep down I truly believe that I will one day but for now, I need to prepare for that very special day. I need to make sure everything else is all good. I need to prove to that future baby that they were worth the wait. No matter how long and no matter how hard, it was all worth it. And to be worth it, everything in my pre-baby life needs to be good and ready to go.
I am not sure when I will start back up again. I would really like to wait until next year. My sister is getting married in Dec. and my other sister is having her baby in Nov. (which by the way, it STILL hurts) so it's going to be a busy holiday season for our family this year. I don't want to put a damper on things with meds, bfns or the "let's walk on eggshells, DIANA is here!" mode on our Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family has also paid a price so I want to make up that time with them.
Don't think that I think it's bad to feel the way I do. I don't. I have a right. I've had a rough year. I've been actively ttc for over 4 years now (but not preventing for over 5 so my heart has been wanting this for a LONG time) and have submitted to ivf as a resort. I had my dream of 4 years, yanked out me just like that. I do have a right to feel down, let down and unsure of what to do. But it's not those feelings that are the poison. It's what I do with those feelings. It's how I am letting those feelings over take me like a vine on a wall. Those feelins run me and define me and everybody around me has to pay. It's okay that I have down days and I will have them but I will cry and lean on Aaron or my family and keep going. I will keep my spirit of fun Diana, the one who people love to be around. The girl who makes jokes and people love. The one who is strong and bold. The one who keep's striving and knows that one day this struggle will be over. The one with not only happiness in her soul but true JOY. I want JOY in my life again, in my marriage and in myself. Not just happiness that lasts in day spurts but JOY that lasts throughout my lifetime.
I will keep going on this blog. I mean, I will ttc again. And of course, I have that little secret feeling of *hope* that we'll be one of those "got pg during ivf break" cases but of course that's all it is- "HOPE". It won't be stopping my life it will be just in the back of my mind. And if nothing then Aaron and Diana will comeback at full force sometime next year ready to get those twins we want. lol
I do get that fear in my mind of I am wasting time but I keep telling myself that I am young. I am 28 years old and according to my RE my eggs are good besides the PCOS. But with PCOS, the health thing is good for that so its a win-win situation. Plus, it's not like I am going on a 4 year break. But yeah, it's a little scary to not try. lol But again, it feels SOO good.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Why is it that when I am not cycling I don't have anything to say?? Well I made it a point to come here and just write anyways.
Acupuncture has been going good. I did my 2nd one yesterday. It was nice and relaxing EXCEPT when Aaron was trying to call me TWICE while I was laying there with the needles intact. I was getting pissed!! But its my fault for forgetting to not turn it on vibrate. I was much more relaxed yesterday then I was the first time but thats understandable.
Exercising is going good. We can't start our memberships until Aug. 27th so we have been going to the track every morning. I am tired but I make myself. I like the track but I cannot wait until we start the gym. I am just sooo excited and so motivated. So unlike me! lol Eating has been going good too. We had our little cheat day yesterday as it was my dad's b-day. Sunday is supposed to be the cheat day but since we knew we'd do something with my dad, we were good on Sunday and then splurged on Monday. It was okay. I felt gross eating "regular" food if that makes sense.
Then Aaron decides to brag about him weighing himself. Okay, show me! Well he did. He has lost like 10lbs in only 5/6 days. WTH??? He is not starving at all because I actually got on to him about eating so many snacks (lol). He is working out like me in the mornings but he walks/jogs/runs while I just powerwalk. I plan to weigh myself tomorrow and now I am terrified. I am jealous of Aaron and his stupid metabolism. I know its just water weight but still!! I want to lose 10lbs in 5/6 days. It reminds me of that commercial with the stick people where the husband is losing weight and getting skinnier and skinnier while the wife is griping at him for losing so much while she only loses a little bit. It always makes me laugh. Hopefully I've lost some weight. The scale will probably say I lost a stupid pound or whatever. Boo. But I am still proud of myself. I haven't "cheated" besides yesterday on our appointed day. I am happy and feel better just for being proactive towards my health.
I've also picked up Omega 3-6-9. There has been some rampage on FF about this but I am taking it as I hear omega fatty acids are good for eggies. Since I was told my eggs were crappy this last cycle I decided to add some kind of supplements to help with that. Omega 3-6-9 fit the bill so here I am swallowing 2 horse gel pills. YUCK. I bought them at the vitamin store and thank GOD that they had lemon flavor. Of course, instead of the famous fish burps, I am burping up LEMONS all day. Not so bad compared to fish but still.. yucky! Who wants to feel like they've drank 6000 gallons of lemonade?? So now I've been taking them at night and it seems to help.
I guess thats it. We are waiting on the urologist office to call Aaron. The woman there said that for fertility patients they will give them a sooner date of appt and that the nurse would call but we haven't heard from them yet.
I also haven't heard from the insurance lady with Comcast. I am giving her until Monday then if no reply I will email her. I am nervous to hear what she says and have been thinking about it. Hopefully its something like "well Diana, lets see... we've approved unlimited IF coverage INCLUDING ivf and iui". HAHAHA!! I wish and I hope!!!
Acupuncture has been going good. I did my 2nd one yesterday. It was nice and relaxing EXCEPT when Aaron was trying to call me TWICE while I was laying there with the needles intact. I was getting pissed!! But its my fault for forgetting to not turn it on vibrate. I was much more relaxed yesterday then I was the first time but thats understandable.
Exercising is going good. We can't start our memberships until Aug. 27th so we have been going to the track every morning. I am tired but I make myself. I like the track but I cannot wait until we start the gym. I am just sooo excited and so motivated. So unlike me! lol Eating has been going good too. We had our little cheat day yesterday as it was my dad's b-day. Sunday is supposed to be the cheat day but since we knew we'd do something with my dad, we were good on Sunday and then splurged on Monday. It was okay. I felt gross eating "regular" food if that makes sense.
Then Aaron decides to brag about him weighing himself. Okay, show me! Well he did. He has lost like 10lbs in only 5/6 days. WTH??? He is not starving at all because I actually got on to him about eating so many snacks (lol). He is working out like me in the mornings but he walks/jogs/runs while I just powerwalk. I plan to weigh myself tomorrow and now I am terrified. I am jealous of Aaron and his stupid metabolism. I know its just water weight but still!! I want to lose 10lbs in 5/6 days. It reminds me of that commercial with the stick people where the husband is losing weight and getting skinnier and skinnier while the wife is griping at him for losing so much while she only loses a little bit. It always makes me laugh. Hopefully I've lost some weight. The scale will probably say I lost a stupid pound or whatever. Boo. But I am still proud of myself. I haven't "cheated" besides yesterday on our appointed day. I am happy and feel better just for being proactive towards my health.
I've also picked up Omega 3-6-9. There has been some rampage on FF about this but I am taking it as I hear omega fatty acids are good for eggies. Since I was told my eggs were crappy this last cycle I decided to add some kind of supplements to help with that. Omega 3-6-9 fit the bill so here I am swallowing 2 horse gel pills. YUCK. I bought them at the vitamin store and thank GOD that they had lemon flavor. Of course, instead of the famous fish burps, I am burping up LEMONS all day. Not so bad compared to fish but still.. yucky! Who wants to feel like they've drank 6000 gallons of lemonade?? So now I've been taking them at night and it seems to help.
I guess thats it. We are waiting on the urologist office to call Aaron. The woman there said that for fertility patients they will give them a sooner date of appt and that the nurse would call but we haven't heard from them yet.
I also haven't heard from the insurance lady with Comcast. I am giving her until Monday then if no reply I will email her. I am nervous to hear what she says and have been thinking about it. Hopefully its something like "well Diana, lets see... we've approved unlimited IF coverage INCLUDING ivf and iui". HAHAHA!! I wish and I hope!!!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Thanks for the comments. Ya'll are the BOMB! It's amazing how you women are so much more involved with me in all this ttc crap and my sadness of my loss then my own family!!
Besides Aaron, nobody remembers this date. I guess I understand. I mean, I am sure I probably wouldn't remember someone elses est. due date unless they talked about it all the time, and I don't. Well I do here!!! :) But not in real life. Nobody knows how sad I really am besides Aaron. I blame it on my pride!!! Is it hispanic pride or what? I don't want ANYBODY feeling sorry for me. I hate that! Especially women. I have a REAL problem with that.
At church, I don't open up about this at all. I don't cry when I am praying or tell others to pray for me. I just don't want any women (fertile women) saying "oh poor Diana, she can't have babies". I open up to my family sometimes but rarely. Again, I don't want them to feel sorry for me or see how bad it really is. Does that make sense?
On a brighter note.. today has been good amazingly. I woke up thinking about today but the last 2 days have been harder. I had been crying myself to sleep and waking up sad but last night I was okay. I told Aaron yesterday or the day before that the 16th was coming up. I said, I would had had a baby in 2 days. He said "no, you probably would have had him today or tomorrow". UM?!?! WTH kind of response is that?? Geez! I asked him to please not say that because that made me sad. He is a dork!! Did he actually think that would make me feel better?? Anyways... back to today! I decided yesterday to make today a new beginning instead of a sad ending. I have been wanting to focus on my overall health and I planned to start hitting the gym again next week. Well I told Aaron that I wanted to start today. This morning. I thought it would be really nice to start a new fresh beginning on the day that was going to be awful to me. Well the gym doesn't open back up until Aug. 27th so the track had to do. Aaron has decided to join me and we've decided to eat good and exercise as much as possible. I want to have lost 12lbs by my FET which will be the end of Sept or the beginning of Oct. I am excited!!! Aaron put his goal to 15lbs!!! I am sure we will reach our goals!!
I am also going to try to get my emotions back in shape. I need to get positive again. I mean, I've been dealt a hard hand here so I am not going to be in la la land playing Candy Land or anything but I can try to be more positive. I can try to be hopeful again. I did manage to be a mommy even if it was only 9 weeks but I was a mom. And when I think about that I get goosebumps because how many times did I cry thinking I would never ever ever get pg. But I did. So I am going to hope and believe that I will get pg again. I will see those 2 pink lines again. I will get a ++ beta again and *hopefully* this next time, I will get to bring a baby home. Or even 2 babies! I am believing again.
My body needs some TLC as my emotions so that is my main focus. Of course, so is my FET coming up. I am really hopeful and feel good about it. Doing acupuncture and getting my body better is making me feel like I am being proactive. Aaron joining me is a bonus!!! If that FET doesn't work hopefully with a better healthstyle and some new vitamins, his spermies will be good enough for IUI. Can you tell I am really trying to dodge the IVF#3 bullet??? I will hopefully!!!!!
Appropriately, it's raining here. Its all gray and sad looking outside. I say appropriately because it IS a sad day. It is a day that hurts and watching the rain outside my window reminds me of my baby and it makes me feel like the sadness is around me, if that makes sense? It makes me feel good that even the weather feels sad that my baby didn't make it here to Earth. Lord knows that my baby would had been a hit here on Earth!! Oh the great things he would have accomplished throughout the years. I am sure he is doing GREAT things where he's at right now though. I am sure of it.
So the rain will stop and then the sun will come out eventually. Gives me goosebumps!!! The sun will come out again one day. Every rain drop that has fallen today is like every single tear I've cried since 1-8-07, the day we didn't hear our perfect little babies heartbeat again. But one day the tears will stop. One day, my tears will be replaced with utter joy. I know it. I know it in my heart. Now I just need to figure out how to get that day to come faster!!! That's the hard part. The waiting of all this!!
Besides Aaron, nobody remembers this date. I guess I understand. I mean, I am sure I probably wouldn't remember someone elses est. due date unless they talked about it all the time, and I don't. Well I do here!!! :) But not in real life. Nobody knows how sad I really am besides Aaron. I blame it on my pride!!! Is it hispanic pride or what? I don't want ANYBODY feeling sorry for me. I hate that! Especially women. I have a REAL problem with that.
At church, I don't open up about this at all. I don't cry when I am praying or tell others to pray for me. I just don't want any women (fertile women) saying "oh poor Diana, she can't have babies". I open up to my family sometimes but rarely. Again, I don't want them to feel sorry for me or see how bad it really is. Does that make sense?
On a brighter note.. today has been good amazingly. I woke up thinking about today but the last 2 days have been harder. I had been crying myself to sleep and waking up sad but last night I was okay. I told Aaron yesterday or the day before that the 16th was coming up. I said, I would had had a baby in 2 days. He said "no, you probably would have had him today or tomorrow". UM?!?! WTH kind of response is that?? Geez! I asked him to please not say that because that made me sad. He is a dork!! Did he actually think that would make me feel better?? Anyways... back to today! I decided yesterday to make today a new beginning instead of a sad ending. I have been wanting to focus on my overall health and I planned to start hitting the gym again next week. Well I told Aaron that I wanted to start today. This morning. I thought it would be really nice to start a new fresh beginning on the day that was going to be awful to me. Well the gym doesn't open back up until Aug. 27th so the track had to do. Aaron has decided to join me and we've decided to eat good and exercise as much as possible. I want to have lost 12lbs by my FET which will be the end of Sept or the beginning of Oct. I am excited!!! Aaron put his goal to 15lbs!!! I am sure we will reach our goals!!
I am also going to try to get my emotions back in shape. I need to get positive again. I mean, I've been dealt a hard hand here so I am not going to be in la la land playing Candy Land or anything but I can try to be more positive. I can try to be hopeful again. I did manage to be a mommy even if it was only 9 weeks but I was a mom. And when I think about that I get goosebumps because how many times did I cry thinking I would never ever ever get pg. But I did. So I am going to hope and believe that I will get pg again. I will see those 2 pink lines again. I will get a ++ beta again and *hopefully* this next time, I will get to bring a baby home. Or even 2 babies! I am believing again.
My body needs some TLC as my emotions so that is my main focus. Of course, so is my FET coming up. I am really hopeful and feel good about it. Doing acupuncture and getting my body better is making me feel like I am being proactive. Aaron joining me is a bonus!!! If that FET doesn't work hopefully with a better healthstyle and some new vitamins, his spermies will be good enough for IUI. Can you tell I am really trying to dodge the IVF#3 bullet??? I will hopefully!!!!!
Appropriately, it's raining here. Its all gray and sad looking outside. I say appropriately because it IS a sad day. It is a day that hurts and watching the rain outside my window reminds me of my baby and it makes me feel like the sadness is around me, if that makes sense? It makes me feel good that even the weather feels sad that my baby didn't make it here to Earth. Lord knows that my baby would had been a hit here on Earth!! Oh the great things he would have accomplished throughout the years. I am sure he is doing GREAT things where he's at right now though. I am sure of it.
So the rain will stop and then the sun will come out eventually. Gives me goosebumps!!! The sun will come out again one day. Every rain drop that has fallen today is like every single tear I've cried since 1-8-07, the day we didn't hear our perfect little babies heartbeat again. But one day the tears will stop. One day, my tears will be replaced with utter joy. I know it. I know it in my heart. Now I just need to figure out how to get that day to come faster!!! That's the hard part. The waiting of all this!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Well I've survived so far this week.
Yesterday was my follow up. I had a list of questions which RE did great in answering. He didn't mention donor anything so YAY! He did mention that my eggs weren't as hot looking as they were the first time around. That isn't good. He said that Aaron's sperm were not very motile but that it's okay with ICSI. I mentioned how I am not doing another ivf this year. He just sort of giggled. I told him it was too much for me and that I wanted to do FET. He told me to just call when I get AF when I am ready. I mentioned IUIs. He said that with Aaron's numbers we could be okay to try a couple. He said that this last sample (for ivf) would NOT have been good enough for IUI but the first time around would had been. I believe he had about 3-4 million motile sperm. So we asked about a urologist that Aaron could go see and we got one. I will look him up today. I told him that I wanted to get into shape by next ivf. He said that was good. The healthier, the better. I totally agree. RE also mentioned to Aaron that the healthier the better. Overall, he doesn't think there is something more out there. He just said that this cycle just wasn't as good as that first one. My eggs weren't as good. I did admit that I didn't take my metformin religously like I did the first time around. I mean, I took it but I forgot alot of the morning doses. He told me to take it all the time. He said that he has hope for us. He doesn't think we are hopeless at all and that he has seen other couples like us achieve their baby.
I came out feeling good not depressed. I came out feeling ready to get myself back and into shape. You know, focus on myself. I know I will do the FET in Sept. but it just isn't the same as ivf. IVF takes everything out of me. All my physical energy, my emotions, my heart, my mind, my body, even my marriage. I am ready to take a break from it. I am young still and why not take the time to get our bodies better prepared? What if we could do IUI? How awesome would that be? Or if this FET works?? How great would that be?? No more IVF! Oh what a dream!
After that I went to my very first acupuncture session. I wanted to at least try it. It went good. I actually did enjoy it. She mentioned my spleen because there was a needle on my leg that HURT. Not stung or burned but hurt like a bruise. She said it was my spleen and that that causes and inadedaquate supply and imbalance of blood. It sounds weird but I am going with it. She asked if I bruise easily, I said YES! I do! So she said that what we are doing should definately help my lining out.
Yesterdays session was to clean me. She said I might bleed a bit more this AF but so far I haven't. AF is actually gone. I noticed this time around that she was very light. Too light for after IVF in my opinion. Maybe my lining wasn't too thick??? I just expected alot of heavy bleeding and instead I got 2 days of medium flow. I never have AF like that!
Anyways, I have my next session next Monday and I'll continue to go every week until transfer and if PG I will probably keep going for a while. It's nice to be trying something different.
So that was my day. My night was not so good. I couldn't sleep last night. I was crying alot and Aaron had no clue. Or maybe he did because he held me until late last night. I looked up at the alarm clock and it was 3am! I just want this week to be over with. It's getting harder and harder to focus as my est. due date gets closer. Once its gone, then life can go on but for now, I feel like I am counting down the days and hours and minutes.
Oh and I guess AF won't be here for est. due date. Finally something in my favor.
Yesterday was my follow up. I had a list of questions which RE did great in answering. He didn't mention donor anything so YAY! He did mention that my eggs weren't as hot looking as they were the first time around. That isn't good. He said that Aaron's sperm were not very motile but that it's okay with ICSI. I mentioned how I am not doing another ivf this year. He just sort of giggled. I told him it was too much for me and that I wanted to do FET. He told me to just call when I get AF when I am ready. I mentioned IUIs. He said that with Aaron's numbers we could be okay to try a couple. He said that this last sample (for ivf) would NOT have been good enough for IUI but the first time around would had been. I believe he had about 3-4 million motile sperm. So we asked about a urologist that Aaron could go see and we got one. I will look him up today. I told him that I wanted to get into shape by next ivf. He said that was good. The healthier, the better. I totally agree. RE also mentioned to Aaron that the healthier the better. Overall, he doesn't think there is something more out there. He just said that this cycle just wasn't as good as that first one. My eggs weren't as good. I did admit that I didn't take my metformin religously like I did the first time around. I mean, I took it but I forgot alot of the morning doses. He told me to take it all the time. He said that he has hope for us. He doesn't think we are hopeless at all and that he has seen other couples like us achieve their baby.
I came out feeling good not depressed. I came out feeling ready to get myself back and into shape. You know, focus on myself. I know I will do the FET in Sept. but it just isn't the same as ivf. IVF takes everything out of me. All my physical energy, my emotions, my heart, my mind, my body, even my marriage. I am ready to take a break from it. I am young still and why not take the time to get our bodies better prepared? What if we could do IUI? How awesome would that be? Or if this FET works?? How great would that be?? No more IVF! Oh what a dream!
After that I went to my very first acupuncture session. I wanted to at least try it. It went good. I actually did enjoy it. She mentioned my spleen because there was a needle on my leg that HURT. Not stung or burned but hurt like a bruise. She said it was my spleen and that that causes and inadedaquate supply and imbalance of blood. It sounds weird but I am going with it. She asked if I bruise easily, I said YES! I do! So she said that what we are doing should definately help my lining out.
Yesterdays session was to clean me. She said I might bleed a bit more this AF but so far I haven't. AF is actually gone. I noticed this time around that she was very light. Too light for after IVF in my opinion. Maybe my lining wasn't too thick??? I just expected alot of heavy bleeding and instead I got 2 days of medium flow. I never have AF like that!
Anyways, I have my next session next Monday and I'll continue to go every week until transfer and if PG I will probably keep going for a while. It's nice to be trying something different.
So that was my day. My night was not so good. I couldn't sleep last night. I was crying alot and Aaron had no clue. Or maybe he did because he held me until late last night. I looked up at the alarm clock and it was 3am! I just want this week to be over with. It's getting harder and harder to focus as my est. due date gets closer. Once its gone, then life can go on but for now, I feel like I am counting down the days and hours and minutes.
Oh and I guess AF won't be here for est. due date. Finally something in my favor.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
I believe AF is here. I started to finally spot yesterday and today it's a bit more. How ironic! I will probably have AF on my "would had been due date". Ah, God has a funny sense of humor doesn't He?
Not sure if I've updated but on Monday I have my follow up. I am anxious about that. Then that evening at 6:00 I've bit the bullet and have an appt at a acupuncture place. This is my first time ever doing it so I am a bit skeptical but in general I've heard great things about acu so I am willing to try it. Supposedly it will help me 1.) relax 2.) thicken up my lining 3.) reduce stress. I've decided to do it along with my FET protocol. I am excited. That means I will have about 7-8 weeks worth of acu by my transfer. We'll see how it goes.
That's it. This week will just be funky. I have been crying alot though but I guess it's expected. I just can't believe that I'd be going into labor soon. So weird. So sad. I shouldn't be having AF you know, it should be mucuos plug or whatever kind of bleeding you do (bloody show) right before you deliver. It's just so sad. What I would give to have that baby in me RIGHT NOW.
Not sure if I've updated but on Monday I have my follow up. I am anxious about that. Then that evening at 6:00 I've bit the bullet and have an appt at a acupuncture place. This is my first time ever doing it so I am a bit skeptical but in general I've heard great things about acu so I am willing to try it. Supposedly it will help me 1.) relax 2.) thicken up my lining 3.) reduce stress. I've decided to do it along with my FET protocol. I am excited. That means I will have about 7-8 weeks worth of acu by my transfer. We'll see how it goes.
That's it. This week will just be funky. I have been crying alot though but I guess it's expected. I just can't believe that I'd be going into labor soon. So weird. So sad. I shouldn't be having AF you know, it should be mucuos plug or whatever kind of bleeding you do (bloody show) right before you deliver. It's just so sad. What I would give to have that baby in me RIGHT NOW.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Wow, I am sorry that you get brushed off. I really thing God had something to do with AT LEAST her taking the time to read and responding. It's just so funny that she struggled with IF herself.
I also received a phone call around lunch time from HER boss. He wanted my dh's name. When I first told Aaron about what I was doing (emailing HR) he did tell me not to mention his name as he didn't want them to ask him or whatever but I had to give it to that boss as I am not the employee. I called my dh and he was like "huh?". I did ask the boss if I had gotten Aaron in trouble (by emailing the HR myself instead of him) and he assured me that no, my husband wasn't in any trouble. They had to put this inquiry in my husbands name as he is the employee and not me. So Aaron was fine about it. I reassured him that they weren't going to put it in the Comcase Newsletter or anything. lol I guess he is a bit embarrased of his coworkers finding out but they won't. I guess it just goes on file.
It's a long shot but I am willing to try it.
I also received a phone call around lunch time from HER boss. He wanted my dh's name. When I first told Aaron about what I was doing (emailing HR) he did tell me not to mention his name as he didn't want them to ask him or whatever but I had to give it to that boss as I am not the employee. I called my dh and he was like "huh?". I did ask the boss if I had gotten Aaron in trouble (by emailing the HR myself instead of him) and he assured me that no, my husband wasn't in any trouble. They had to put this inquiry in my husbands name as he is the employee and not me. So Aaron was fine about it. I reassured him that they weren't going to put it in the Comcase Newsletter or anything. lol I guess he is a bit embarrased of his coworkers finding out but they won't. I guess it just goes on file.
It's a long shot but I am willing to try it.
I just had to come and share some exciting news! Now, I know this could mean nothing but what if it made a difference?!?!?!!!
Well Aaron and I have been talking alot about what is next blah blah. I thought I had it all planned out until I called my insurance company to see how much of my $10K Infertility maximum have I used. I thought it would be around $4K with about $6K left towards my next IVF. WRONG. I am at $6K already! Plus, once I do my next FET I will probably be up to around $7K!!! That means I will only have around $3K left to go towards my next IVF. If you know anything about IVF, that is NOTHING.
So that made me all nervous. Aaron says we could save up for it which is fine but it made me panic as I might have to wait a bit longer.
Well I've been looking at jobs with coverage, looking up different stats, different websites, etc. I read about a woman who wrote her HR person and even met her in person about this very same situation. They didn't have ANY infertility coverage so of course, hers is much more needed but she made an impression. The HR woman is taking it before her staff and going over. It could mean nothing but at least they HEARD this woman wanting coverage!
So that inspired me to do a little research. I found a wonderful sample letter from the INCIID website that you can send your HR dept explaining how covering infertility expenses will not make that much of a difference in the cost of insurance, etc.
The funny thing is I researched to find who the HR person was for Comcast. Aaron told me of the woman who is head of benefits here in Houston. I tried emailing her but it came back as a failure to deliver. So I decided to look for myself and found the VICE PRESIDENT of the entire HR for Comcast. It didn't come back so I wondered if it got through. I also wondered if they would just delete my email.
I added my own touches to it and here it is:
Dear __________:
My husband has been an employee of Time Warner/ Comcast for the past year.. My spouse and I are suffering with the disease of infertility and request that you consider raising the maximum of infertility treatment in the Comcast health benefit package.
Often employers believe that adding an infertility coverage benefit will increase health care costs. However, recent studies indicate that including comprehensive infertility coverage in a health benefit package may actually reduce costs and improve outcomes.
For example, a recent employer survey conducted by the consulting firm William M. Mercer found that 91 percent of respondents offering infertility treatment have not experienced an increase in their medical costs as a result of providing this coverage.
As also proven in the following studies, the perceived cost of infertility treatment is typically overstated.
Often patients select treatment based on what is covered in their health benefit plan rather than what is most appropriate treatment. For example, a woman having trouble conceiving because of blocked fallopian tubes or tubal scarring may opt for tubal surgery, a covered treatment, which can cost $8,000 -$13,000 per surgery. Many patients are forced to forgo in vitro fertilization (IVF) because it is not a covered service even though it costs about the same as tubal surgery and statistically is more likely to result in a successful pregnancy.
According to William M Mercer, "The decline in use of high-cost procedures like tubal surgery would likely offset the cost to include IVF as a benefit and provide improved health outcomes." (William M. Mercer, Infertility as a Covered Benefit, 1997).
In states with mandated infertility insurance, the rate of multiple births is lower than in states without coverage. (New England Journal of Medicine, "Insurance Coverage and Outcomes of In Vitro Fertilization," August 2002). Couples with insurance coverage are free to make more appropriate decisions with their physicians based on medical necessity rather than financial considerations which often result in multiple births and a high rate of complications during and post-pregnancy.
Comprehensive infertility coverage may actually reduce premium expense by as much as $1 per member/per month. According to The Hidden Costs of Infertility Treatment in Employee Health Benefits Plans (Blackwell, Richard E. and the William Mercer Actuarial Team, 2000), insurance premiums now indirectly provide coverage for "hidden" infertility benefits such as surgeries to remove scarring in the fallopian tubes for women or varicose vein removal for men, were calculated to be adequate to cover more effective and often less expensive treatments such as ovulation induction, intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization.
The cost of infertility services as a percent of the total health premiums went down after the 1987 Massachusetts mandate. (Study by Griffin and Panak, Fertility & Sterility, 1998).
According to a 2003 Harris Interactive Poll, 80% of the general population believes infertility treatment should be covered by insurance. (Harris Interactive Inc., Survey, 2003).
In vitro fertilization accounts for less than 3 % of infertility services. According to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), 85%-90% of infertility cases can be treated with conventional medications. (ASRM website, Quick Facts About Infertility).
Currently with the insurance we are paying for (Blue Shield PPO), we have a $10K maximum. Although we are very happy that we have some coverage, the maximum is low. When my husband worked for Time Warner we had 3 in vitro fertilization cycles covered but lost that benefit when Comcast took over. With Comcast’s $10K max, we have done 1 in vitro fertilization cycle (which did not work) and we are already at $6K. Both my husband and I have medical reasons for the need of in vitro fertilization. We are feeling frustrated because we just want to have a chance to become a family of 3.
Please let me know if you would like any additional information on this issue. I hope Comcast will consider raising the maximum of infertility coverage and support our family building efforts. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Diana
This is what she wrote me back:
Dear Ms. -
Thank you for getting in touch. I have read your email and I am reviewing the issue with my staff. I have personal experience with the what you are living with, and I have the greatest empathy for you and your husband.
I do not want to give you any false hope, but we will review your request. I will be in touch with you in a couple of weeks wth a formal response. Thank you for taking the time to do the research.
Sincerely,
C
WOW, is all I can say!! Again, this could mean nothing but they HEARD me!! And to top it all off, she has had infertility so she must have a soft side towards this issue!!!!! I am just happy today that my voice was heard. Of course, I am praying like mad that they can raise our max. because I know I can't be the ONLY woman involved with Comcast that is dealing with infertility and this $10K max. I truly hope that this can make a difference for me and for others that are in mine and Aaron's situation.
Well Aaron and I have been talking alot about what is next blah blah. I thought I had it all planned out until I called my insurance company to see how much of my $10K Infertility maximum have I used. I thought it would be around $4K with about $6K left towards my next IVF. WRONG. I am at $6K already! Plus, once I do my next FET I will probably be up to around $7K!!! That means I will only have around $3K left to go towards my next IVF. If you know anything about IVF, that is NOTHING.
So that made me all nervous. Aaron says we could save up for it which is fine but it made me panic as I might have to wait a bit longer.
Well I've been looking at jobs with coverage, looking up different stats, different websites, etc. I read about a woman who wrote her HR person and even met her in person about this very same situation. They didn't have ANY infertility coverage so of course, hers is much more needed but she made an impression. The HR woman is taking it before her staff and going over. It could mean nothing but at least they HEARD this woman wanting coverage!
So that inspired me to do a little research. I found a wonderful sample letter from the INCIID website that you can send your HR dept explaining how covering infertility expenses will not make that much of a difference in the cost of insurance, etc.
The funny thing is I researched to find who the HR person was for Comcast. Aaron told me of the woman who is head of benefits here in Houston. I tried emailing her but it came back as a failure to deliver. So I decided to look for myself and found the VICE PRESIDENT of the entire HR for Comcast. It didn't come back so I wondered if it got through. I also wondered if they would just delete my email.
I added my own touches to it and here it is:
Dear __________:
My husband has been an employee of Time Warner/ Comcast for the past year.. My spouse and I are suffering with the disease of infertility and request that you consider raising the maximum of infertility treatment in the Comcast health benefit package.
Often employers believe that adding an infertility coverage benefit will increase health care costs. However, recent studies indicate that including comprehensive infertility coverage in a health benefit package may actually reduce costs and improve outcomes.
For example, a recent employer survey conducted by the consulting firm William M. Mercer found that 91 percent of respondents offering infertility treatment have not experienced an increase in their medical costs as a result of providing this coverage.
As also proven in the following studies, the perceived cost of infertility treatment is typically overstated.
Often patients select treatment based on what is covered in their health benefit plan rather than what is most appropriate treatment. For example, a woman having trouble conceiving because of blocked fallopian tubes or tubal scarring may opt for tubal surgery, a covered treatment, which can cost $8,000 -$13,000 per surgery. Many patients are forced to forgo in vitro fertilization (IVF) because it is not a covered service even though it costs about the same as tubal surgery and statistically is more likely to result in a successful pregnancy.
According to William M Mercer, "The decline in use of high-cost procedures like tubal surgery would likely offset the cost to include IVF as a benefit and provide improved health outcomes." (William M. Mercer, Infertility as a Covered Benefit, 1997).
In states with mandated infertility insurance, the rate of multiple births is lower than in states without coverage. (New England Journal of Medicine, "Insurance Coverage and Outcomes of In Vitro Fertilization," August 2002). Couples with insurance coverage are free to make more appropriate decisions with their physicians based on medical necessity rather than financial considerations which often result in multiple births and a high rate of complications during and post-pregnancy.
Comprehensive infertility coverage may actually reduce premium expense by as much as $1 per member/per month. According to The Hidden Costs of Infertility Treatment in Employee Health Benefits Plans (Blackwell, Richard E. and the William Mercer Actuarial Team, 2000), insurance premiums now indirectly provide coverage for "hidden" infertility benefits such as surgeries to remove scarring in the fallopian tubes for women or varicose vein removal for men, were calculated to be adequate to cover more effective and often less expensive treatments such as ovulation induction, intrauterine insemination and in vitro fertilization.
The cost of infertility services as a percent of the total health premiums went down after the 1987 Massachusetts mandate. (Study by Griffin and Panak, Fertility & Sterility, 1998).
According to a 2003 Harris Interactive Poll, 80% of the general population believes infertility treatment should be covered by insurance. (Harris Interactive Inc., Survey, 2003).
In vitro fertilization accounts for less than 3 % of infertility services. According to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), 85%-90% of infertility cases can be treated with conventional medications. (ASRM website, Quick Facts About Infertility).
Currently with the insurance we are paying for (Blue Shield PPO), we have a $10K maximum. Although we are very happy that we have some coverage, the maximum is low. When my husband worked for Time Warner we had 3 in vitro fertilization cycles covered but lost that benefit when Comcast took over. With Comcast’s $10K max, we have done 1 in vitro fertilization cycle (which did not work) and we are already at $6K. Both my husband and I have medical reasons for the need of in vitro fertilization. We are feeling frustrated because we just want to have a chance to become a family of 3.
Please let me know if you would like any additional information on this issue. I hope Comcast will consider raising the maximum of infertility coverage and support our family building efforts. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Diana
This is what she wrote me back:
Dear Ms. -
Thank you for getting in touch. I have read your email and I am reviewing the issue with my staff. I have personal experience with the what you are living with, and I have the greatest empathy for you and your husband.
I do not want to give you any false hope, but we will review your request. I will be in touch with you in a couple of weeks wth a formal response. Thank you for taking the time to do the research.
Sincerely,
C
WOW, is all I can say!! Again, this could mean nothing but they HEARD me!! And to top it all off, she has had infertility so she must have a soft side towards this issue!!!!! I am just happy today that my voice was heard. Of course, I am praying like mad that they can raise our max. because I know I can't be the ONLY woman involved with Comcast that is dealing with infertility and this $10K max. I truly hope that this can make a difference for me and for others that are in mine and Aaron's situation.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Okay so today I finally cried. Only for about 5 minutes but still it felt good.
Other than that I am okay. I was a bit pissy today though and I guess I have the right.
I wonder what RE will say. I hope he doesn't bring up donor sperm since dh's guys didn't look to good. Aaron and I have talked about it but I don't think I am okay with it. He has said if if came down to it that he would consider it but I am just not comfortable with it. I don't know why.
I have pictured mine and Aaron's children since the day I fell in love with him. I always daydream about how my son will look like his daddy, his smile, his hair, his talents, his goofiness. It scares me to have to give that up. I know I'd love a baby no matter where he/she came from but its that bond that I want between my husband and I. To know that we made something together and know that that child will have part of me and part of him. I am just not ready to give that up. That's what made me cry today.
Also on Friday night (after I found out sister's baby shower was Sunday), I totally had a breakdown. I mean seriously, a breakdown. I was crying and just hypervenilating. Aaron was freaked out but it started with him and I arguing. I guess I'd argue with anybody that day so it wasn't him exactly. I just felt so much pressure and so much anger that I had to let it out. I cried and cried. The baby shower, my sister, the m/c, the suspected ivf bfn just came falling down on me.
Once it was over Aaron told me we'd do everything possible. I think he is really starting to get concerned.
Anyways, maybe that is why I was okay yesterday and why I've only cried 5 minutes since getting bfn. I guess I let it out on Friday. Anybody else feel this way sometimes? Like you physically can't take it anymore??? Or am I a drama queen??
Well I've also been looking for accupuncture around here. Aaron isn't very fond of me doing it but hey, for my last FET I want to do something different. Hopefully I have enough time. I will call them some more tomorrow. It's very expensive and I have no discount (I thought I did with my insurance) but I am sure I won't regret it. Especially if it gets me a bfp, right?
I am also confirming my coverage with IUI's. My clinic's financial rep said I had unlimited IUI's. That sounds great but today I called my insurance company to check how much I've used out of my $10K max and I am already at amost $6K. That is including the FET back in March and this past IVF. Sooo I really really need to make sure that IUI won't fall under that $10K max. I need to save what I can from that for our next IVF. If the IUI's are seperate than we will do those after FET (if needed of course) to pass the time and to hopefully dodge that bullet. All this financial crap has me a bit stressed but we'll figure it out!
Other than that I am okay. I was a bit pissy today though and I guess I have the right.
I wonder what RE will say. I hope he doesn't bring up donor sperm since dh's guys didn't look to good. Aaron and I have talked about it but I don't think I am okay with it. He has said if if came down to it that he would consider it but I am just not comfortable with it. I don't know why.
I have pictured mine and Aaron's children since the day I fell in love with him. I always daydream about how my son will look like his daddy, his smile, his hair, his talents, his goofiness. It scares me to have to give that up. I know I'd love a baby no matter where he/she came from but its that bond that I want between my husband and I. To know that we made something together and know that that child will have part of me and part of him. I am just not ready to give that up. That's what made me cry today.
Also on Friday night (after I found out sister's baby shower was Sunday), I totally had a breakdown. I mean seriously, a breakdown. I was crying and just hypervenilating. Aaron was freaked out but it started with him and I arguing. I guess I'd argue with anybody that day so it wasn't him exactly. I just felt so much pressure and so much anger that I had to let it out. I cried and cried. The baby shower, my sister, the m/c, the suspected ivf bfn just came falling down on me.
Once it was over Aaron told me we'd do everything possible. I think he is really starting to get concerned.
Anyways, maybe that is why I was okay yesterday and why I've only cried 5 minutes since getting bfn. I guess I let it out on Friday. Anybody else feel this way sometimes? Like you physically can't take it anymore??? Or am I a drama queen??
Well I've also been looking for accupuncture around here. Aaron isn't very fond of me doing it but hey, for my last FET I want to do something different. Hopefully I have enough time. I will call them some more tomorrow. It's very expensive and I have no discount (I thought I did with my insurance) but I am sure I won't regret it. Especially if it gets me a bfp, right?
I am also confirming my coverage with IUI's. My clinic's financial rep said I had unlimited IUI's. That sounds great but today I called my insurance company to check how much I've used out of my $10K max and I am already at amost $6K. That is including the FET back in March and this past IVF. Sooo I really really need to make sure that IUI won't fall under that $10K max. I need to save what I can from that for our next IVF. If the IUI's are seperate than we will do those after FET (if needed of course) to pass the time and to hopefully dodge that bullet. All this financial crap has me a bit stressed but we'll figure it out!
Monday, August 06, 2007
Wish I had some better news but it was a bfn just as I thought.
I have a follow up on 8/13 and I plan to do our next and last (with our last 2 frozen blasts) FET cycle sometime in September.
I am okay. I just knew in my gut it would be a bfn. I knew therefore I was prepared.
So lets see... I get to stop the horrible PIO and finally get to have sex with hubby. Those are 2 good things to look forward to tonight, eh?
Thanks for supporting me and for having faith when I lose sight of it. (hugs)
I have a follow up on 8/13 and I plan to do our next and last (with our last 2 frozen blasts) FET cycle sometime in September.
I am okay. I just knew in my gut it would be a bfn. I knew therefore I was prepared.
So lets see... I get to stop the horrible PIO and finally get to have sex with hubby. Those are 2 good things to look forward to tonight, eh?
Thanks for supporting me and for having faith when I lose sight of it. (hugs)
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Whew!! I made it!! Wow, what a day. I am beat.
I decided to change my mentality for this whole baby shower thing. I decided to put all my attention on my upcoming nephew, not on myself or ttc. I detached every emotion that comes with baby showers when ttc. It worked.
On Saturday I went shopping and bought my sister the bedding and the little bath tub thing. I also bought an outfit and some little nike shoes. I was proud of myself and my gifts.
Then today again, I just detached myself from it all and just focused on her. It saved me! I even hosted some of the games!!! I did feel myself slipping into pity party mode when she started opening the gifts but I quickly went and found my something to do.
I am glad its over and that I don't have to face anymore babyshowers for a long time.
So tomorrow is beta. I am not too excited. I feel it's a waste of time and gas but whatever. I would love to be surprised and I did allow myself to play around with that thought but not for too long. I don't EVEN want to get my hopes up, not even a little bit. That's the worse!!
My boobs don't hurt anymore and I feel normal so I really really think I am out now for sure. Oh well... what can you do?? I just have to face it, deal with it and get over it. I am ready to go see our RE at our follow up and plan our FET. We still have 2 frozen blasts from ivf#1 so that is the next step. That actually excites me more than the freaking beta tomorrow! I hate to think about next ivf because it will be my last partially paid (insurance). I plan to head out to Dallas to the SIRM clinic. They have great success rates and they do deeper testing than my RE here. I minus well go all out with a bang right??
If that fails then I plan to go into a shared risk program here in Houston out of pocket. Hopefully I still qualify after all these darn failed cycles though. We'll see where this road takes us. Yesterday I felt like giving up but today I feel that nothing will stop me. It's confusing but I just go with the flow.
I will update asap here tomorrow. I know alot of people are supporting me and are waiting on my results. I want to say thank you for following up on me and for being there. It puts a big smile on my face to know that people whom I've never met care this much about me.
Until tomorrow!!
I decided to change my mentality for this whole baby shower thing. I decided to put all my attention on my upcoming nephew, not on myself or ttc. I detached every emotion that comes with baby showers when ttc. It worked.
On Saturday I went shopping and bought my sister the bedding and the little bath tub thing. I also bought an outfit and some little nike shoes. I was proud of myself and my gifts.
Then today again, I just detached myself from it all and just focused on her. It saved me! I even hosted some of the games!!! I did feel myself slipping into pity party mode when she started opening the gifts but I quickly went and found my something to do.
I am glad its over and that I don't have to face anymore babyshowers for a long time.
So tomorrow is beta. I am not too excited. I feel it's a waste of time and gas but whatever. I would love to be surprised and I did allow myself to play around with that thought but not for too long. I don't EVEN want to get my hopes up, not even a little bit. That's the worse!!
My boobs don't hurt anymore and I feel normal so I really really think I am out now for sure. Oh well... what can you do?? I just have to face it, deal with it and get over it. I am ready to go see our RE at our follow up and plan our FET. We still have 2 frozen blasts from ivf#1 so that is the next step. That actually excites me more than the freaking beta tomorrow! I hate to think about next ivf because it will be my last partially paid (insurance). I plan to head out to Dallas to the SIRM clinic. They have great success rates and they do deeper testing than my RE here. I minus well go all out with a bang right??
If that fails then I plan to go into a shared risk program here in Houston out of pocket. Hopefully I still qualify after all these darn failed cycles though. We'll see where this road takes us. Yesterday I felt like giving up but today I feel that nothing will stop me. It's confusing but I just go with the flow.
I will update asap here tomorrow. I know alot of people are supporting me and are waiting on my results. I want to say thank you for following up on me and for being there. It puts a big smile on my face to know that people whom I've never met care this much about me.
Until tomorrow!!
Friday, August 03, 2007
I swear everytime I start to feel better about all this, something happens and takes my peace away.
My mom called earlier and mentioned my PG sister. They talked and my sister shared with my mom how she feels about all this (me and her). She said she feels very bad and that she doesn't want to hurt me. She understands why I stay away but at the same time it makes her sad that we can't share this. She feels guilty sometimes about her pg and wishes things were different. She also told my mom that she feels bad when she comes down here to visit. She says that she also knows my parents are in a tough situation with her being pg and me losing the baby and trying. My mom was crying telling me this as I can imagine how hard it is on her to have her 2 daughters in this situation.
Sooo my mom was supposed to throw my sister her baby shower in September. I had planned to help and just be happy for my sister.
My mom tells me today that my sister won't be coming down in September afterall. I don't know what changed but she won't be able to make it. So my mom has changed the baby shower to NOW since my sister will be here for a week or so. Next weekend will be super busy for my parents as they have special guests coming up (they are pastors) and will have to drive them, take them to eat, etc for the whole weekend. So my mom decided that this Sunday will be the baby shower and wanted to let me know.
Um, are you serious??? I am doing my damn beta this MONDAY. Do you know how nervous and crazy I am going???? I am already expecting a bfn but it will be official on Monday. How can I possibly make an appearance at my sister's baby shower while I am ONE freaking day away from a most likely negative beta?? HOW? If it was next weekend, then I can deal but this SUNDAY? My goodness... I feel like crap when I think about not going to my own sister's baby shower but come on, how? I had already imagined Sunday would be a day of lots of crying and anxiety. How can I go in this condition?
And yes, I could test but for what? To see a bfn? I'd be worse off at a baby shower after seeing a bfn on an hpt. Definately worse! And why should I change my plans? I planned to NOT test for my own sanity and just find out with the beta. This isn't fair.
HA! And last night at the meeting, they were talking about baby showers and baby dedications. How freaking hilarious!
My mom called earlier and mentioned my PG sister. They talked and my sister shared with my mom how she feels about all this (me and her). She said she feels very bad and that she doesn't want to hurt me. She understands why I stay away but at the same time it makes her sad that we can't share this. She feels guilty sometimes about her pg and wishes things were different. She also told my mom that she feels bad when she comes down here to visit. She says that she also knows my parents are in a tough situation with her being pg and me losing the baby and trying. My mom was crying telling me this as I can imagine how hard it is on her to have her 2 daughters in this situation.
Sooo my mom was supposed to throw my sister her baby shower in September. I had planned to help and just be happy for my sister.
My mom tells me today that my sister won't be coming down in September afterall. I don't know what changed but she won't be able to make it. So my mom has changed the baby shower to NOW since my sister will be here for a week or so. Next weekend will be super busy for my parents as they have special guests coming up (they are pastors) and will have to drive them, take them to eat, etc for the whole weekend. So my mom decided that this Sunday will be the baby shower and wanted to let me know.
Um, are you serious??? I am doing my damn beta this MONDAY. Do you know how nervous and crazy I am going???? I am already expecting a bfn but it will be official on Monday. How can I possibly make an appearance at my sister's baby shower while I am ONE freaking day away from a most likely negative beta?? HOW? If it was next weekend, then I can deal but this SUNDAY? My goodness... I feel like crap when I think about not going to my own sister's baby shower but come on, how? I had already imagined Sunday would be a day of lots of crying and anxiety. How can I go in this condition?
And yes, I could test but for what? To see a bfn? I'd be worse off at a baby shower after seeing a bfn on an hpt. Definately worse! And why should I change my plans? I planned to NOT test for my own sanity and just find out with the beta. This isn't fair.
HA! And last night at the meeting, they were talking about baby showers and baby dedications. How freaking hilarious!
Last night was one of the best nights I've had in a while! I had been thinking about joining a support group that I could talk to "real" women going through this. I knew there had to be somebody out there! Well I went to the Lakewood Church website (HUGE church here in Houston.. Pastor Joel Osteen) and THANK GOD I found a group called HOPE. It stands for Hearts of Promise and Expection. I quickly looked to see when and where they meet and its in a classroom and its every first Thursday of the month from 7-9pm. Well what do you know?? Last night was the 1st Thursday of the month! HA! Of course, I went back and forth on whether not to go, I even got out of my car and came back inside but then I told myself, "NO, YOU ARE GOING!".
It was a long drive (about 45minutes) but worth it! I pictured maybe 2-3 girls but when I arrived I was surprised to see about 15! By the end it was about 18 women in the classroom. It was really nice, the leader has been ttc#1 for 8-9 years. Every single woman had her story. We went around the circle and shared our story, if we wanted. Of course, I wanted to. It's very hard to talk to real people about this, as a matter of fact, I don't talk about it except to Aaron. Soo I opened up, cried of course and just talked about ttc, ivf, and miscarriage. Everyone was very supportive. I cried along with others. One woman announced her pg! She did ivf where I did mine and in July like me. I had seen her in the office so I recognized her. They are reading a book called Hannan's Hope (or something like that) and they are only on chapter 2. I received a book and each month we go over a chapter. Last night it touched the subject of Envy, Jealousy, Bitterness. Everyone shared a story about jealousy and it was really good to hear that I am not the only one that struggles with this.
The leader gave me some baby socks. Cute! That have a little note saying "Thank you for visiting" and it had 2 bible verses on it. And... really cool part!!! Debra Duncan who is a news lady here came and gave her story. It was refreshing to hear and I had NO idea she struggled with IF and m/c. She did finally have her children but it was a struggle. She encouraged everybody and was very open.
Overall it was a great experience! Once it was over the leader went around and prayed for everybody. She prayed for me and my test on Monday. She prayed about my m/c. It was exactly what I needed. I even ended up making 2 friends!
I came home and Aaron was surprised that I went. I am not very good with new people and often come across as stuck up but its because I get shy not because I am snobby. He was proud of me. I plan to go back and make this part of my support system. I can't believe how good I felt afterwards. On the way home I thanked God for leading me there. It was just what I needed and He knew that.
So that was my night. I got home pretty late and ate something then went to bed. I was beat!
TGIF!! Yay for the weekend. Aaron is supposed to be on call tomorrow (our anniversary) for a big pay per view fight. They drew names and he was 3rd on the list. So most likely they won't call him but I know he won't want to go far and that he will be checking his phone. Not very romantic. Sooo he is going to see if somebody can take his place. Hopefully!
Anyways, thats whats going on!
It was a long drive (about 45minutes) but worth it! I pictured maybe 2-3 girls but when I arrived I was surprised to see about 15! By the end it was about 18 women in the classroom. It was really nice, the leader has been ttc#1 for 8-9 years. Every single woman had her story. We went around the circle and shared our story, if we wanted. Of course, I wanted to. It's very hard to talk to real people about this, as a matter of fact, I don't talk about it except to Aaron. Soo I opened up, cried of course and just talked about ttc, ivf, and miscarriage. Everyone was very supportive. I cried along with others. One woman announced her pg! She did ivf where I did mine and in July like me. I had seen her in the office so I recognized her. They are reading a book called Hannan's Hope (or something like that) and they are only on chapter 2. I received a book and each month we go over a chapter. Last night it touched the subject of Envy, Jealousy, Bitterness. Everyone shared a story about jealousy and it was really good to hear that I am not the only one that struggles with this.
The leader gave me some baby socks. Cute! That have a little note saying "Thank you for visiting" and it had 2 bible verses on it. And... really cool part!!! Debra Duncan who is a news lady here came and gave her story. It was refreshing to hear and I had NO idea she struggled with IF and m/c. She did finally have her children but it was a struggle. She encouraged everybody and was very open.
Overall it was a great experience! Once it was over the leader went around and prayed for everybody. She prayed for me and my test on Monday. She prayed about my m/c. It was exactly what I needed. I even ended up making 2 friends!
I came home and Aaron was surprised that I went. I am not very good with new people and often come across as stuck up but its because I get shy not because I am snobby. He was proud of me. I plan to go back and make this part of my support system. I can't believe how good I felt afterwards. On the way home I thanked God for leading me there. It was just what I needed and He knew that.
So that was my night. I got home pretty late and ate something then went to bed. I was beat!
TGIF!! Yay for the weekend. Aaron is supposed to be on call tomorrow (our anniversary) for a big pay per view fight. They drew names and he was 3rd on the list. So most likely they won't call him but I know he won't want to go far and that he will be checking his phone. Not very romantic. Sooo he is going to see if somebody can take his place. Hopefully!
Anyways, thats whats going on!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
So this is the only time that I wish that a month could be taken off of the calendar for ever. August is here. I have been fearing this month since January. I can't believe that I'd be giving birth soon. It seems like time went by soooo fast but when I was pg the days were like decades. It went by so slow.
August is my anniversary though. How ironic. I just want to wake up and it be September or at least August 17th. I think I just need August 16th to be over with. Then I will feel better. I am sure once its gone I will be able to breath and move on. It's just all this time I've been thinking "this is how far along I'd be" or "this is when I'd be 20 weeks" but once its over then I think it will be okay. It's the knowing where I'd be that is killing me. So in a way... good thing August is finally going to be over.
I still haven't tested again. I am very surprised and proud of my strong will! Alot of girls on FF are getting their bfps so early (like I did back in the day) so it does give you an itch but I am not giving in. I can't stand to see a bfn right now. I am thinking of testing this weekend but now I am really really thinking about just waiting for beta. I wanted to surprise Aaron *if* I got a bfp on our anniversary dinner but I don't want to ruin it either if its a bfn. I guess I rather not deal with it. Can't I just pretend forever that the trio is in me?? Aaron says that I could wait and see if my belly grows or just wait until April to see if I start to go into labor. He's silly!
The more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards beta. I have one more hpt at home that I would hate to waste or see blank. I am thinking of calling in on Monday because I think Aaron is off too. We could go to beta and then get the results together. If its bfn, I will be in the comfort of my home and with my hubby who will hug me until I am out of strength.
We'll see...
August is my anniversary though. How ironic. I just want to wake up and it be September or at least August 17th. I think I just need August 16th to be over with. Then I will feel better. I am sure once its gone I will be able to breath and move on. It's just all this time I've been thinking "this is how far along I'd be" or "this is when I'd be 20 weeks" but once its over then I think it will be okay. It's the knowing where I'd be that is killing me. So in a way... good thing August is finally going to be over.
I still haven't tested again. I am very surprised and proud of my strong will! Alot of girls on FF are getting their bfps so early (like I did back in the day) so it does give you an itch but I am not giving in. I can't stand to see a bfn right now. I am thinking of testing this weekend but now I am really really thinking about just waiting for beta. I wanted to surprise Aaron *if* I got a bfp on our anniversary dinner but I don't want to ruin it either if its a bfn. I guess I rather not deal with it. Can't I just pretend forever that the trio is in me?? Aaron says that I could wait and see if my belly grows or just wait until April to see if I start to go into labor. He's silly!
The more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards beta. I have one more hpt at home that I would hate to waste or see blank. I am thinking of calling in on Monday because I think Aaron is off too. We could go to beta and then get the results together. If its bfn, I will be in the comfort of my home and with my hubby who will hug me until I am out of strength.
We'll see...
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The news of my leftover embies really took a toll on me. I tried to stay positive for these inside of me but before I knew it I was a mess.
I still feel good sometimes but now I am starting to feel scared and negative. I have been crying on and off all day yesterday and today too. Its just too much stress and I don't see how I can keep doing this to myself. It's been years of having this dream and when do you know when to stop? I mean, Aaron says to keep going and keep trying but no offense to him, he isn't doing nothing but standing on the sidelines. And although IVF isn't THAT hard physically to me, it's so stressful and scary and so many emotions come with it. So it's easy for him to not want to give up but is he willing to lose me? Not lose me like divorce, but lose my spirit? Lose my smile? My joy? I'm already hanging by a string to "happiness" so any minute now I feel like I can burst and become really really really bitter. I am already bitter but I am sure I can get more ugly. This just is too much for me. What is wrong with me? Why? Those questions go through my head every single day. Every single day. How the hell does someone live this way?
I didn't test today. I am only 10 dpo today. I know, early but in my defense I had me a nice light light light line by now when I was pg. I don't plan to test until... I don't know. Maybe this weekend. Beta is supposed to be on Monday.
Aaron and I celebrate our 6th year anniversary this Saturday. We plan to go to a nice dinner. That's another reason why I don't want to test. I don't want to ruin this week. I want to celebrate my husband and our 6 years. We've come along way. It will be bittersweet though. When I was pg I planned our 6th year anniversary in my head. In my daydream, I was huge ready to pop out the baby (due date was aug. 16) and our anniversary would have been a celebration of what was to come. I will feel sadness that day but I will put my attention on Aaron. He's been a good hubby and he has been with me through this. He was my strength when I was in a dark place after the loss, he was what kept me going and why I am here today.
There is a song that when I hear it I bawl. It reminds me of Aaron and I when going through the loss. After we learned we lost the baby we came home crying and crying. We layed on the bed for hours just crying. He held me and tried to be strong for me. This song really touches me and it says all that I feel for my hubby today. This year has been very hard on me but thank God for him. Just thought I'd get cheesy and post the lyrics. :)
"We'll do it all,
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
That pretty much sums it all.
I still feel good sometimes but now I am starting to feel scared and negative. I have been crying on and off all day yesterday and today too. Its just too much stress and I don't see how I can keep doing this to myself. It's been years of having this dream and when do you know when to stop? I mean, Aaron says to keep going and keep trying but no offense to him, he isn't doing nothing but standing on the sidelines. And although IVF isn't THAT hard physically to me, it's so stressful and scary and so many emotions come with it. So it's easy for him to not want to give up but is he willing to lose me? Not lose me like divorce, but lose my spirit? Lose my smile? My joy? I'm already hanging by a string to "happiness" so any minute now I feel like I can burst and become really really really bitter. I am already bitter but I am sure I can get more ugly. This just is too much for me. What is wrong with me? Why? Those questions go through my head every single day. Every single day. How the hell does someone live this way?
I didn't test today. I am only 10 dpo today. I know, early but in my defense I had me a nice light light light line by now when I was pg. I don't plan to test until... I don't know. Maybe this weekend. Beta is supposed to be on Monday.
Aaron and I celebrate our 6th year anniversary this Saturday. We plan to go to a nice dinner. That's another reason why I don't want to test. I don't want to ruin this week. I want to celebrate my husband and our 6 years. We've come along way. It will be bittersweet though. When I was pg I planned our 6th year anniversary in my head. In my daydream, I was huge ready to pop out the baby (due date was aug. 16) and our anniversary would have been a celebration of what was to come. I will feel sadness that day but I will put my attention on Aaron. He's been a good hubby and he has been with me through this. He was my strength when I was in a dark place after the loss, he was what kept me going and why I am here today.
There is a song that when I hear it I bawl. It reminds me of Aaron and I when going through the loss. After we learned we lost the baby we came home crying and crying. We layed on the bed for hours just crying. He held me and tried to be strong for me. This song really touches me and it says all that I feel for my hubby today. This year has been very hard on me but thank God for him. Just thought I'd get cheesy and post the lyrics. :)
"We'll do it all,
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
That pretty much sums it all.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
So what the hell? Lets post again today.
Ugh, I am going CRAZY. I can't believe I am obsessing so much. I took an hpt today to see if trigger was out, IT WAS. Wow, so if I see a line sometime soon its real. I don't plan to test too early though. Last time I tested at 7,8,and 9 dpo and on 9 dpo (4dp5dt) I got my light bfp. Every pregnancy is different so I don't want to stress out if I don't get a line on 9 dpo this time. Afterall, that is VERY early to get a bfp from what I hear so I was pretty lucky to get lines that early on. So for the sake of not comparing, I want to wait until 11 dpo. How I wish I could wait for beta but I can't! I know I can't!
I've been having little twinges down there. But who wouldn't when their ovaries were just deflated. I've been getting af cramps but I checked on my chart that I started getting af cramps right before transfer. Sooo it can't be pg plus its waaaay to early to feel anything IMO. I remember when I was pg that I told myself I didn't have any symptoms until after beta. That means, I didn't have any early signs telling me I was pg. The only thing that told me I was pg was that hpt. Then I remember after beta I got the fatigue and boobs, well boobs hurt BEFORE egg retrieval.
*sigh* Basically I'm screwed. There is no way to tell. I minus well just wait it out. The progesterone makes me feel all kinds of PG but again, I made sure to mark my chart when I felt af cramps etc that way I wouldn't get all happy thinking it was a pg symptom.
AAAAHH!! I just want to go to sleep and wake up on Wed...
Ugh, I am going CRAZY. I can't believe I am obsessing so much. I took an hpt today to see if trigger was out, IT WAS. Wow, so if I see a line sometime soon its real. I don't plan to test too early though. Last time I tested at 7,8,and 9 dpo and on 9 dpo (4dp5dt) I got my light bfp. Every pregnancy is different so I don't want to stress out if I don't get a line on 9 dpo this time. Afterall, that is VERY early to get a bfp from what I hear so I was pretty lucky to get lines that early on. So for the sake of not comparing, I want to wait until 11 dpo. How I wish I could wait for beta but I can't! I know I can't!
I've been having little twinges down there. But who wouldn't when their ovaries were just deflated. I've been getting af cramps but I checked on my chart that I started getting af cramps right before transfer. Sooo it can't be pg plus its waaaay to early to feel anything IMO. I remember when I was pg that I told myself I didn't have any symptoms until after beta. That means, I didn't have any early signs telling me I was pg. The only thing that told me I was pg was that hpt. Then I remember after beta I got the fatigue and boobs, well boobs hurt BEFORE egg retrieval.
*sigh* Basically I'm screwed. There is no way to tell. I minus well just wait it out. The progesterone makes me feel all kinds of PG but again, I made sure to mark my chart when I felt af cramps etc that way I wouldn't get all happy thinking it was a pg symptom.
AAAAHH!! I just want to go to sleep and wake up on Wed...
2dp5dt!
Ugh... why is this 1ww going sooooo slow? I don't remember this part for first ivf. I do remember FET and it was just as slow. I just want to wake up in about 5 days...
I did have a very vivid dream last night. Very scary!! I dreamt that I was leaving my high school reunion (remember, I had to miss it because of ER?) and I walked to my car alone. There was this older guy sitting on a bench and so I tried to walk around him instead of infront of him. Well he started to walk behind me and I tried to walk quicker but he kept getting closer. Then I was trying to open my car with my spare key (??) and he got me. He told me to open the door and I did. I sat in the seat and he was outside. I remember thinking of closing the door on his arm but for some reason I knew I wouldn't make it. Then another guy shows up and they are both outside my car. I knew I was going to be dead. Funny thing is, I remember thinking "oh no, my 3 blasts!"
Even in my NIGHTMARE, I am thinking of the "trio". It was very hard for me to fall asleep last night. I was tossing and turning. I was feeling very anxious and nervous. Then I slept. Then I dreamt. Then I woke up to pee. Then I slept and then I dreamt again.
Crazy!
So we decided to name the kiddos "the trio" for now. Thats their nickname. Then I told Aaron if they all stuck they'd become tinner, alto and soprano. lol You know, instead of baby a, baby b, and baby c. So much more original, don't ya think??
This is torture!!!!!! Torture!!! Back to the couch...
Ugh... why is this 1ww going sooooo slow? I don't remember this part for first ivf. I do remember FET and it was just as slow. I just want to wake up in about 5 days...
I did have a very vivid dream last night. Very scary!! I dreamt that I was leaving my high school reunion (remember, I had to miss it because of ER?) and I walked to my car alone. There was this older guy sitting on a bench and so I tried to walk around him instead of infront of him. Well he started to walk behind me and I tried to walk quicker but he kept getting closer. Then I was trying to open my car with my spare key (??) and he got me. He told me to open the door and I did. I sat in the seat and he was outside. I remember thinking of closing the door on his arm but for some reason I knew I wouldn't make it. Then another guy shows up and they are both outside my car. I knew I was going to be dead. Funny thing is, I remember thinking "oh no, my 3 blasts!"
Even in my NIGHTMARE, I am thinking of the "trio". It was very hard for me to fall asleep last night. I was tossing and turning. I was feeling very anxious and nervous. Then I slept. Then I dreamt. Then I woke up to pee. Then I slept and then I dreamt again.
Crazy!
So we decided to name the kiddos "the trio" for now. Thats their nickname. Then I told Aaron if they all stuck they'd become tinner, alto and soprano. lol You know, instead of baby a, baby b, and baby c. So much more original, don't ya think??
This is torture!!!!!! Torture!!! Back to the couch...
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