BFNs SUCK!!!! Well at least I am getting it out of my system eh? If this is really negative, at least I already had a taste of negative hpts... I don't want to wake up on 14 dpo feeling PG and then get hit with a blank white test. I rather let it sink in early...

I am NOT giving up yet though!! I still believe in my babies and still believe that they have a chance. Everytime I pass them up on the fridge (pic from RE) I kiss them and tell them to hang in there. I pat my belly and tell them to please stick around. Aaron is still believing so we haven't gave in to the negative yet. I am still early on in the game and this can still very much end up being a pregnancy cycle.

So my sister called me today. I haven't called her and I thought about it today but decided not to. I didn't want to stress out. I felt a bit guilty for avoiding her. Well she called and I almost didn't pick it up but I did. She asked how I was doing and how I felt. I told her I am just stressed. She then went on to tell me how she felt bad. She said that this baby should have went to me and not her. She said she felt God had messed up somewhere as I have been waiting for years. She said that she honestly thought she'd have trouble conceiving (I also had a feeling that she would) but obviously she doesn't. She said that she doesn't regret her pregnancy but if she could, she wished it would had been me and not her right now. She said it was MY time. Even her husband asked her if I was going to be upset about their PG. I thought it was sweet and of course I was crying. I told her I wasn't mad at her but that it's more of a why not me. I told her I felt that this was going to be negative but she says she has a good feeling about it. She also had a good feeling with my ivf so we will see. I told her I would love to be PG along with her. It would be fun! But yeah, it was nice of her. She told me that she had been thinking of me and that she put herself in my shoes.
It made me feel good and it took that jealousy away. I mean, I do wish I could be PG now but if I am not I will just have to accept this. There is no way I could stop talking to my sister so I just have to find a way to deal with it all. It sounds like she understands though.

Its been a rough road and unfortunately we still haven't came to the end. Only God knows when I will finally hold my children in my arms. I wish I could just wake up to that EXACT date. I want to feel normal and just be a woman, a mom. I want to forget this nightmare of waiting and crying and trying. I want to be picking out colors for the nursery, picking out furniture. Going to pedi appts. Going to the park, etc. I am just tired of waiting.
I told my sister to not take that baby for granted. She knows I would do ANYTHING to have what she has right now. She said she doesn't and she sees.

Hopefully I have some good news. Funny thing is if I am PG, I am already.. I just don't know it. The beans would be in there just getting comfy'er. If I am not, then I am not.. no matter how many tests I take. I guess its just waiting game now.

I slipped! I tested AGAIN and got a bfn. *sigh* I KNOW its early, I know but I am feeling that this cycle just didn't work. I don't know if it's just my fear talking but that's what I feel inside. I knew my ivf would work and it did, so with this one, I feel it didn't. I mean, sometimes I feel YES, it did work but not to often.

Of course I started crying and I hated to have to do that PIO shot. I had HUGE tears running down my face as Aaron stuck me with that stupid needle. It sucks you have to do so much and are not guaranteed anything. Aaron says to keep going, he says its too early, we could be PG... blah blah. I know but it still depresses me!!!

I am giving up on testing. Everytime I say I won't test I do, then get a bfn, then it ruins my whole day. Sooo I will test again after this weekend. I am tired and just want to relax and not think about this. (like who couldn't?)

I am still cramping pretty bad and my boobs actually started to hurt today. I am not sure if thats the progesterone kicking in or not but it did get me a little excited...that is until I saw that nasty EPT.

So I was thinking of what I was going to do if this doesn't work out and I came up with a plan. It made me feel good and hopeful so I need to focus on that. There is a back up plan and IVF has worked for us so I can't give up just because an FET didn't. (if it didn't) So I plan to do another fresh IVF cycle in the summer probably around June-July. I want to start all over. I know I have those 2 frozen ones but I don't want to do another FET. So I will do IVF in the summer. Hopefully it works! If not then I will definately take a looooong break and then comeback in a shared risk program. I would get 3 tries at IVF and 3 FETs for about $20K (after this FET and another ivf insurance is gone). If I don't come home with baby I get $17K back. Thats a pretty good deal! If you get PG the first cycle and have the baby, you will pay more in the end as one IVF cycle is around $10K but who cares as long as I have a baby! Aaron agreed so that gives me something to look forward to if this doesn't all work out. Lets hope that I don't have to go that far but let's also have a back up plan.

You know, getting these bfn's are starting to piss me off towards my RE. I TOLD him I wanted all babies that made it through thaw inside of me and HE decided to just do 2. Now, I can understand why, the babies looked good and he probably thought I had a pretty good chance. Also I am sure he doesn't want me to get PG with multiples as that is dangerous and there is not an option of selective reduction for us but still. I guess we don't know and neither does he if this worked with the 2 they put in me... But you know, I will always wonder "what if"...

Well back to waiting......

4dp6dt today! 10 dpo...

I am feeling down. I tested last night and got a bfn on 2 different tests. Now I know its still way early but since I tested positive last time in the same time frame, it has me feeling negative. I am trying to explain to myself how I read that frozen babies take a little while longer to show up on hpt's and how the babies had only been in my 3 days yesterday verses 4 days during my ivf cycle. So THAT could had made a difference.
I did have me some crying spells and this morning I woke up crying. Right now I am crying. I spoke to my mom and she was asking me how I felt. She just "knows" that I am PG. I know she is speaking in faith and I do believe but reality then sets in and tells me that I could NOT be PG. I mean its either I am or not. She was really encouraging me and I broke down over the phone. I opened up to her about my sister and how I feel it's going to be hard on me if I don't end up PG. She understood but really encouraged me and told me that she feels we will both be PG with our big bellies and everything will be fine. That would be beautiful to me to share this with my sister and all but will be the total opposite if I am the bitter infertile while she is the fertile mertile. KWIM? She told me not to think that way and to keep positive. I swear, I am trying!!!
I don't want to test tonight (for real, I don't) because I don't want to see another bfn. They are so ugly. Aaron says for me to test tomorrow which I will. I have one more test left and am saving it for tomorrow while I am at home all by myself. Testing early and getting bfns are screwing up my days so I minus well wait and let some time pass. Tomorrow will be 11 dpo and that is still early but I really hope that I can get at least a light positive.

Just wanted to check in... Now the days are going S L O W!!!! I wish they would hurry up! Today I am 3dp6dt or 9 dpo. This is when I got my bfp last time. I am thinking of testing tonight since I tested yesterday (WAY TOOO SOON!) and am curious to see if it will be the same as last time. Probably not since I heard FET's take a little longer for hcg to show up. We will see... I will post about it if I do. Oh and yes, yesterday's test was totally bfn.. But I knew it would be so it didn't hurt too much.
I wanted to come in a write what I have been physically feeling because I tried to look back in my 1ww after ivf#1 and I didn't journal my symptoms. They would help LOTS right now to compare notes... Oh well. I thought I would THIS cycle just for the heck of it.

So far, I have had cramping! Lots of it. I think that I had some before transfer though but they get pretty intense now. Today they seemed a little more calm but the last 2 days I would get some pretty bad ones. I also had some weird sensations in the belly and I had the stretching pain once. I got up real quick from my chair and I felt like a ligament pulling in my belly. I do remember this last time ( :) ) . I have been feeling dizzy but that could be from my meds. My boobs do not hurt but I am really not worried that as last time the boobs hurt WAY before we even fertilized so I knew it was from the stims before retrieval. So when I found out I was PG, I never counted the boobs to be part of the symptoms.
I am not too tired but I do feel drained sometimes. I have been feeling nauseated at times but nothing not too extreme and pretty much could be in my head.
I am not looking to much into these "symptoms" as it's too early. I just thought it would be fun to journal them just in case I am PG.

The thing with my sister is doing okay. I had my crying spells yesterday and last night I cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling better though. There isn't much I can do about it. It does bug me that she is calling ME to tell me her symptoms and how she feels. I know I am her sister and I WANT to be there for her but its hard right now. I am in a VERY stressful 1ww PLUS I just lost a baby NOT that long ago so most of the time I pull the phone away from my ear that way I don't say anything rude. I have thought about telling her NOT to call me to tell my her symptoms and all that crap but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is calling ME becauase she obviously feels comfortable talking to me about it so that makes me feel guilty. Oh well.
I found out her due date is 11-22. Mine would be 12-3. How funny! NOT!

Life is so funny sometimes. It's cruel and doesn't care whether or not certain events will kill you or knock you down. It doesn't care. It just happens. Days just go by and we are just watching the show of our lives. Sometimes we live the show but sometimes I think we just watch the show... maybe so that we don't get hurt.

My little sister who just got married in January (YES, of this year!) just called to announce she is PG. I am in shock and am actually a bit disgusted. I would never tell her this of course but that's how I feel. She is 24 and he is 29. He has had 2 kids from 2 different women and in the little time that they have been married, they have split up, fought, he kicked her out of the apt, etc. Just a mess so far!! She calls me all the time about how unhappy she is and how she thinks they had made a mistake. I try to give her advice and encourage her.
I always did warn her about getting PG. She has always been irregular but still.. you just never know. I told her to be careful. They weren't even sure if they were going to be together and here they are with a bun in oven. Of course she had no clue she was even PG and found out at the docs office after a UTI.
I am in shock and don't even know what to say. I try to play it cool but I of course I am HEATED. Life is just so unfair. It's just cruel. It doesn't care who it hurts.
My sister is the last person I imagine as a mom. I am sure that will change though once she has her baby but it's just so weird to imagine her in that way.
Oh God, I just can't believe this. I wanted to give my parents the first grandchild and have been working damn hard to do so. All she had to do was have sex. This is just great.

I stayed up last night just laying there wide eyed in the dark. I am very positive after our transfer and seeing our babies but it still can very much be negative, kwim?? It scares me but I don't stay there... I keep thinking that I AM pregnant and can't wait to see those 2 lines. I sure hope I am right. The only thing is that during my fresh ivf cycle, I had the sore boobs way before egg RETRIEVAL.. I imagine it was all the hormones in my body, so I never took it as a sign of PG because it had always been there way before the embies were even transferred. My prog was a little low too (compared to other PG women) coming in at 24 and 25 when I was PG so not too sure what that was about. I guess if my boobs start to hurt that is a good sign. I was reading that once the blasts have hatched from its shells they are ready to implant and WILL within 24 hours!!! That means mine should had already implanted! Yikes!!! Thats crazy.

Its kind of weird starting at 6 dpo from the get go... That means the babies implant and then they start to make hcg a couple of days after implantation (am I right?) and then the symptoms begin...
Last PG I had no symptoms besides being sleepy so its going to be hard to detect... Hopefully I get full blast m/s and full blast sore boobs in a couple of days.. hehe

I slept good when I finally went to sleep. He rubbed my tummy and prayed for our little babies last night too. He has been kissing my belly and cleaning for me. He tells me to sit down since I am on couch rest... hehe Too cute!!!

My beta isn't until a week from Friday. I will definately be testing before that.. probably this weekend. WOW! I can't wait.

WOW!!! Where can I begin?? It was as good as it could get! We got there and apparently MY nurse had messed up the times.. I wasn't supposed to be there until 1:30 but my paperwork clearly read 12pm. I was ticked but once we got back there it was all good.
I got in my sexy nighty (hehe... gown) and my hat and my slippers.. Aaron put on his gown and hat too. I told him hopefully next time I see him in a gown will be when we are in labor. :)
So the nurse comes in to answer questions, etc. I am ready to go!! Dr. Dunn gets there and he comes in and says we have 2 (immediately my heart sank because I thought only 2 out of our 4 made it). CHANGE OF PLAN! They thawed one straw first to see how they would do (we had 2 straws with 2 embryos in each). Our first straw with the 2 babies did PERFECTLY. They were growing just how they should and one had even hatched from its shell ready to implant somewhere... The 2nd one was just a bit behind but catching up. We got our pic and they looked beautiful. You can see the one's shell and the other starting to hatch... Well between taking the picture and the actual transfer the 2nd one had hatched from its shell too!!! Little sneaky baby! So they were ready to be inside of mama ASAP! The doc and nurse were so happy for us and said we couldn't have asked for anything better in a transfer. He said at my age, the 2 perfect blasts was good. If they would have seen them low quality or slow at growing they would had put all 4, so that makes me feel really good.
I am sooooooooooo happy! I can't believe out of 2 frozen BOTH made it through thaw! Alot of times only one makes it so we are thrilled. Now onto the horrible 2ww but for some reason I am more excited then nervous now....

Just wanted to check in again before tomorrow. Its now less than 24 hours away and I am just so excited. My weekend ended up being busier than I thought so I can't believe that it's over that fast.
I feel good and optimistic. I feel like everything is going to be okay with my embies and that they will thaw perfectly. I get scared of thinking that this could be it because I don't want to be wrong but I have to just believe. I pray that I am NOT wrong but that this is it for me and Aaron. That we will finally have children of our own and that this was the purpose of that awesome insurance we got last year (even though we don't have it anymore, it still was able to give us these 4 embies!!). That it was all predestined. God is with me and I just ask Him to help me get through this no matter the outcome.
Aaron is excited. He said he was thinking about it alot this weekend. We are just hoping it works, you know? We don't want the disappointment of a BFN and of course we don't ever want to lose a baby again so thats where we are at. We are holding on together and just hoping for the best out of this FET.

I will update when I can!!!

Happy Friday!! I can't believe this week is gone! I have been keeping really busy here at work. I had tons of filing to do and tons of shredding. I caught up and finally I am done. My work area looks nice and clean. I can hardly recognize it! Being out 2 days next week will be much more easier and stress free without work waiting on me.

So now I am only about 2 days away from the transfer. I am nervous but still not too much. I guess once the weekend starts ending it will seem more real. I prayed very specifically today about the whole process and it made me feel better and more relaxed.

I am trying to decide what to do when I am at home on Monday and Tuesday. Hmm, maybe rent some movies?? We don't have a tv in our room so I will actually be layed out on the couch the whole time. I just seem to not be able to lay there too long as I get bored but I will try my hardest to be lazy! ;)

Aaron has been very sweet. He has been giving me massages since I told him I was really stressed and tense. He also surprised me with some flowers yesterday! He brought them himself to my office and they are soooooooooooo pretty. They are 6 pink Tulips!! They are beautiful to look at and I will take a pic later for the scrapbook (which I need to start on!). He said they were just to cheer me up. How sweet! I had them here at the office but I am taking them home with me so I can look at them all weekend.

Aaron and I were talking last night. We just talked about our concerns, our hopes, etc. It sounds like we are on the same page which always helps, right? Aaron is really optimistic and full of faith AGAIN and that helps me tremendously. I am feeling pretty positive too.

Soooo I decided to test before beta (WHO CAN WAIT UNTIL BETA???) and I am thinking of testing next weekend, probably Friday night just in case, God forbid, it's a bfn, I can have the whole weekend to sulk. I don't know when my beta will be as I will call to make that appt after transfer. I think its 10-14 days AFTER transfer so that is the week of the 26th... Too long for me to wait either way! I have heard that during FETs, the hcg starts off slower than a fresh cycle positive beta... So I don't want to test too early like I did last time. Hmm, just looked at the calendar and Friday is only 10 dpo... That is too early. Maybe I will wait for Saturday at least!! My moms' birthday is the Monday after my transfer so I am praying I have a little extra gift to give her that day. Pray that I do, please!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! Okay, just felt like screaming! I am sooo excited!! :)

I'm back!!!! It went well. The good news is my lining was at 9!! They wanted it at 7 so mine is good and I still have 6 days for it to grow even more!!! I got my instructions and am set! My transfer is on Monday at 12pm. LUNCH TIME...

As I was sitting there I had flashbacks. The clinic used to give me hope but now I think of that day when we found out our baby had died. I waited in the same room today that I waited that day. Thank God I didn't have my u/s in the same room but I passed it up and it made me get a huge lump in my throat. Now the clinic gives me a stomach ache and just a sick feeling. I am hoping that soon I will be going across the hall from my clinic- the ob/gyn. It's kind of weird that they have it set up that way but whatever. I see biggo pregnant ladies go to the left while I go to the right- Fertility Center. It sucks! One day, I want to go the left. I will one day.

I hate thinking about how far I would have been. I would be around 18-20 weeks!!! I don't remember exactly but I know it's around that time frame. I would have my belly by now. :(
I would be finding out the sex of the baby (BOY!) and beginning to buy furniture. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe just maybe I will be doing that... say around... July?? I sure hope so.

Yipeee! We are one week away as of today. Wow, time has gone by FAST. As I look at the hours of the day, yes, they seem to drag on but when I see that weeks or days have gone by, it seems FAST. I remember just taking my provera pills the other day?

Tomorrow is my u/s. I am a little nervous but I am sure it will go good. All it is is a quick check of my lining to make sure its thick enough. I believe my clinic wants it over 8mm. During IVF, it got to the point of 13mm towards the end! Hopefully the Estrace tablets did their job right? I am not sure if I get to see the nurse or not... I guess so since she could give me my results right then and there.

The days are going fast (I already said that!) and my actual transfer is creeping up. Yes, I am excited, VERY excited! But I am also terrified. I had a breakdown last night. I think its the first one so far so that is good. It's all overwhelming and now with a miscarriage under my belt, it's even more scarier then when I was doing my fresh cycle. So many things can go wrong and I am totally aware of it now more than ever. But what can I do? I told Aaron that I just have to do it. I can't let my fear stop me. Even if it's a bfn, at least I tried right? I could just sit around and let my embies chill in the lab but what good will that do? It's not like me and Aaron could get pg naturally so why waste time?? I am turning 28 in May. I hate that I am getting older and I have no kids. That was not the plan. I hate feeling left out when women get together. Usually kids always comes up in the conversation and most likely is the focus of the conversation. I have nothing to contribute. Nothing. I don't have any stories, no experiences, no input.
We went to a party on Saturday night and my cousin and a girl I just met (both in early 30s) were talking and of course like always, the conversation shifted to schools and more crap about their kids. I literally walked out and went outside to hang out with Aaron which was with the guys. Or I hang out with the teens who I get along with great! I hate feeling like I am alone. There aren't many women like me- infertile. They are around but usually we know WAY more fertiles then infertiles, am I right?
It just sucks and like I told Aaron, I am ready for this journey to END. I want closure!!

10 more days to go!!! It's creeping up and although time has gone by fast, I wish it would go by a little faster. I am feeling anxious and excited. I am thinking about my embies alot and how I love them all. I know the reality is that not all may survive and not all may implant (hopefully at least one) but I still feel a bond with them as they are part of Aaron and I. It's funny because I ask Aaron what are babies are doing in the lab and he says they are chillin!! Haha
I say that they are anxiously waiting for us and hope that we can go get them soon.

I have been praying and really talking to God in my head lately. I can't help it. I sure hope He doesn't get tired of me asking! If He does, all He has to do is give me my baby and I won't ask anymore.. Simple as that!

Tomorrow we have a b-day party so that should make the time go by faster. Tuesday is my u/s and I am praying that my cushion is fluffy enough. I haven't had a problem yet when it comes to responding to all the medications I have been on so I am not really worried. That thought just crosses my mind though every now and then.

I feel a bit hormonal lately and the sex drive is gone. Hmm? I wonder if that's from the Estrace?? It has to be. On Wednesday I start progesterone shots (YIPPEEE! not) along with another medication that aids implantation.

Man, I am excited!!! And man, I hope I get PG!!!

Happy Monday! The weekend went by fast. I feel a little tired but I only have 3 hours to go.

I started 2 pills of Estrace today. They aren't bad at all as they are itty bitty but its remembering all my meds. I need to take folic acid. I take one 1 pill from my presribed ones then I take an extra 1200mg of the over the counter kind. I read that while taking metformin you should take extra folic acid as some of it won't absorb.
Then I am taking Metformin (pcos). I take 2000mg of this a day. That is 4 pills. I break them up into taking 2 pills at 2pm and the other 2 at night time. Now I am doing the Estrace too. I was doing the one at noon and now I will be adding one in the evening. And last but not least the baby aspirin. Forunately, I only take one of these a day so I usually take it at night too. Soon I will add the progesterone in oil injections too!!!

This weekend we went to a concert. I bought Aaron some tickets (for Valentines) to the Israel Houghton live recording concert in Humble, Tx. He used to direct Praise and Worship at Lakewood church. Anyway, he is awesome and sings gospel-contemporary type of music. He sang alot and then did a little message at the end. He said that he needed to tell somebody that they need to believe. That they need to believe even if its a miracle. He said "even if your dream has been shattered, even if it seems impossible, I am telling you, you need to believe AGAIN." He said not to let your dreams die and even told the audience to put their hand on their heart and say it.. "I believe".
I didn't want to get emotional but heck, the lights were off, it was me and Aaron and I simply needed it. I felt hot heavy tears down my cheeks and I was just crying and crying. I seriously felt God was talking to ME especially when he said to believe AGAIN. I needed to hear that. I walked out of there a new person and felt my faith come back just a little. Today, I felt good. I believe again. Dh thinks its funny that I bought him the tickets but I am the one that ended up enjoying it more. :)

I am looking at my calander today and transfer is 2 weeks away exactly!!!!!! I had a dream on Saturday night that it was transfer day and I was on the bed and I asked Dr. Dunn how many made it. He told me 3 and that we were transferring them. I woke up after that with a smile on my face. I hope its true. How crazy would it be if all made it??????? 8) Crazy!!!

We got some good news today. Aaron's tests came back NORMAL!!! He had a chromosome analysis and a Y chromosome microdeletion test. As you can imagine, we are both soo happy and this totally relaxes me for our upcoming FET. Its good to know for the future.
So with my test being normal (chromosome analysis) and his being normal, the baby must had either had a fluke problem (chromosome but not passed by either of us) or was just bad luck.

Regarding our frozen embies, I must admit this boosts up my confidence 100%. Okay, now the 19th can't get here soon enough!

The 'ole witch is here!! CD#1 for me, baby!!!! I just called Honey to go over my protocol. I am finally excited!!!!!!!! This is the start to something new and hopefully something WONDERFUL. I am ready to give my little embies a home. I just pray that everything from now on goes smoothly.

I was talking to Aaron last night because I have been having doubts about FET this cycle. Not because of negative thoughts but because my sister is getting married in December. The eighth to be exact. I am feeling bad in case I do become PG because I don't want to miss her wedding of course. I don't care to be big and fat. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't miss her wedding for that. Aaron says to DO IT. He wants to have a baby THIS year 2007, even if they come on Christmas. So we are going for it!!! I wouldn't be due until around Christmas time anyways but still... its a chance to take but Aaron and I are both wanting this baby THIS year!!!!! I am sure everything will work itself out.

I am popping my last pill tonight! YIKES. I can't believe I will be starting the meds back up this week. It seems surreal. I am ready though!! I have been walking again and actually did some running. We are going again tonight. I have been eating alot of protein and drinking lots of water. I just want to feel healthier in general. Have I mentioned that I am excited and scared??? :)

I forgot to mention that I had a dream the other night about doing another fresh ivf cycle. I was in the OR with the RE (who wasn't my RE, it was a woman I had never seen) and she was sitting in front of me. I guess I had had my retrieval already. Well she goes on to tell me she had gotten 3,000 eggs (huh????) . I responded "isn't that bad?" She said "we will see." Then I woke up. Imagine 3000 eggs????? LORD!!

Crazy... I guess thats just me being stressed already. I told my mom how I had been feeling and of course I got a lecture of how I need to be positive blah blah blah. It felt good to just say how miserable and sad I am though. At least I know I have extra prayers coming my way, right?

The fertiles... Well my bestfriend just called me to tell me she is pg. Yup. They tried 3 weeks ago and they are now expecting. They have 2 other kids that are 8 and 5 so this is number 3. I can't believe it worked that fast!!!!!! She was just going on and on about it and finally she let me go and then she called me back and I didn't answer. I know she can't help it but come on, I just told her about my m/c about a month ago and I told her we had to do ivf too. I came out to her about everything!! Why couldn't she just be a little more sensitive? It stings bad right now...

I had a talk with my boss this morning. Sometimes we get to talking and even though I am not close to her, I can tell her almost anything about this whole ivf. Its weird, but I can open up MORE to people that I am not as close to... I guess because I don't have to see her everyday its easier plus she listens and she gives good advice.
I shared how scared I am. I feeling very negative (mentioned this before) and thoughts have started to rise. I wonder if I should do this FET now, I wonder if maybe I should wait a little longer. Dr. Dunn was perfectly fine with it so if he is and he is the expert, then I guess I am too. Aaron wants to move on and so do I but I don't know at times. I do remember feeling this way before my IVF cycle too so I guess its part of the package. I remember right before doing my first shot I started to think about not starting. So again, its the same I feel now.
I am not as scared to miscarry again. I mean, I am but I am hoping that Aaron's results come in normal and if so, then I don't think I will worry about it too much. Of course, if I end up PG I will be terrified before every appt especially around the time we lost our baby- 8 weeks. Okay! I take it back! Now that I think about it, I will be terrified if I get pg again!!!... But what I really am scared of is seeing a negative. I might take it really really hard because of the miscarriage. It will probably bring it back up.
The fears have me pinned down but I am trying to just get back in it. I started to exercise again and am trying to be more positive by telling myself it will work. I am trying to pray again. I haven't been because I am angry but I will start. I am also looking at my calander and have all my known appts and events on it. It helps me to count down the days until the next big thing. My transfer is less than a month away!!! I need to focus my thoughts on those 4 little embryos. My boss said that I should think about that when the negative thoughts come my way. She said that they want a warm and cozy home (my belly) and that at least one of them could make it. She said that I could carry one of them to term, deliver and then have that baby look up at his mother's big brown eyes. It made me want to cry. She said to think about it that way. It could happen! She said I will be such a good mother and not to give up. She said if it was her, she'd want to get pg right away again! She is right. I do and hopefully I will.
So as of now, I have decided to take her advice and to allow myself feel hopeful again. I have decided to not let that tragedy of losing my baby, keep me in that dark zone I have been in. Its too scary there and I could easily stay there for years.
Aaron has been so hopeful and so kind to me. We have had our share of misunderstandings during all of this but he is letting me just feel. I guess he finally got the point that nothing he says is going to fix my pain, but that he could just listen. That always helps.
Yesterday I got home and was VERY sad. I was crying on the way home just meditating on everything and I just wanted to be alone. He asked if there was anything he could do, I said no. He asked what was wrong... I got smart and answered "what the hell do you THINK is wrong???" (duh, aaron). I told him I was just tired of everything and to please just leave me alone. Fortunately he had plans so I asked him to leave a bit earlier (he did) and I was left alone to sulk and cry. I decided to go for a walk and watch some tv and felt so much better. By the time he got home, I had dinner half way done and was in a happy mood. I am SO sure he thinks I am crazy!! (lol) Oh well... my honey has his bad traits too.
In closing, today will be a start to a new beginning. It will be a new season for me and Aaron and hopefully soon there will be new life coming into OUR life.

Change of plans!

So I took an hpt on Friday night (hey, I was all alone and bored!!!) and it was negative, stark white too! So I was actually happy seening this as I can now start provera. I started the very next day. SO I am on my 3rd day! I am expecting AF sometime midweek next week.

I have been sad lately. I have thinking about our little angel alot. I just can't seem to move on. I do fake it in front of people and I am sure I look like I am doing pretty good and all but I know and now dh knows, that I am infact, not doing so hot. I think of how far along I would be and I cry. I don't know exactly what date and week but I know the range and I know that I would be hitting the exciting part which is feeling the baby move, dh feeling him/her, and of course the BIG u/s. I hate that I didn't get to experience that. It just pisses me off and at the same time my heart shatters each time I think about it. I miss the baby so much. I just wish I could rewind time. I wish I would have known the future that way I could have taken more time to love my baby and be happy instead of paranoid. I wish alot of things. It just sucks.

I have been crying again too and once the first tear rolls down, MANY follow. I just feel like I can't get over it. I felt this right after my m/c then I felt better and like I could move on. Now I am back to that place where I just want to crawl in my bed and hide. I can't see tomorrow, I don't know how I will get up from this. I did tell Aaron that I do know my limits though. I know that I could easily sink into depression over this. I could sink into bitterness and anger over this. Of course I am all of the above now but I like to think I have a moderate case and it's not severe just yet. I know that if I got into a dark place I probably wouldn't be able to get out...so I try to not let myself get there. I cry and scream but I tell myself "okay, I feel better".
I am pissed at God, I won't lie. I still say He is good but that doesn't stop me from being mad at Him. I know He didn't kill my baby or anything but I just don't understand the point of this. I don't understand what the point WAS. I don't understand why He couldn't just give this to me. I can't understand why, why, why... I am sure I never will but you can bet your ASS I will ask Him when I get there.
I am not praying anymore. Aaron and I pray together and we are praying for our procedure but as far as me praying on my own, it just doesn't happen. I just don't have any words. I do tell Him I am pissed at Him. I tell Him that one day I will be able to give Him praise but right now I can't. I tell Him that I do love Him. It sucks too!

I have been thinking of this FET and I am not as excited. I am more scared. I am terrified that it won't work. I am scared that I will be left with a negative and that that will make the m/c even worse!!!! I am scared that I will miscarry again. I am scared, scared, scared. I am just taking it one day at a time and my attitude isn't as naive as it was with the fresh cycle. I hope to be wonderfully surprised though. God, I wish I didn't have to do this again.

Aaron is good though. He has been sharing with me that he also gets sad from time to time. He says that he sees PG women and he thinks about how far along I would be. When he sees babies or toddlers he says he gets this tugging in his chest that hurts.
Its good to hear he is also going through this as its comforting but at the same time, it hurts to hear him hurting about this.
Aaron doesn't like to talk about adoption because he is just CERTAIN we will have children of our own and in his mind, if we talk about it, its like we don't believe. Well I agree but at the same time, I want to be realistic. I am young, he is younger so we still have time but still... many many women just go childless. Not many, but there are some out there. There are 2 in my family that went childless. So I asked him if we could adopt, of course he said no, blah blah, we will have our own children and we aren't giving up yet. So I said, I am not trying to adopt RIGHT NOW, but I just want to know that I WILL be mother in my lifetime. I don't care if the child(ren) is from my blood or body, that is so miniscule now. I just want to be a mom. I just want to know in MY mind that yes, I will be a mom someday. So he said "of course, if we never had children we would definately adopt". Do you know how better that made me feel?? So much better.

Its crazy. All this ttc crap is crazy. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't believe people actually make babies in their bedroom by having sex. That seems so foreign to me... Its just crazy.

I was supposed to start provera on Valentine's Day. I was trying to time it so that I would get af during the week and not during the weekend. Well the only condition was I had to take a pregnancy test (per nurse) before popping any of those little pills. SO I did that night and I got a light line. I called the nurse the next day and of course I can't take the af bringing pills just yet. I have to wait and test again (she said a week but I am going for 3 days). If its still ++ by a week, I have to go in and do b/w.
I didn't test after my miscarriage as many women do. They want to see hcg go down therefore they test until they get back to negative. I didn't because I didn't want to see a fake line on there. Well I still had to see it on V-day and it sucked!!!!

I am now going to be a week behind meaning transfer won't be until 3rd week of March. I know its not much of a difference but I just want to move on.

Oh well. I guess my body isn't quite ready yet the way my heart and mind are.

Happy Valentine's day to me!!!!! Aaron is such a romantic!!!!! My morning started off with a huge stuffed caterpillar on the couch to surprise me. Then in the car there was a beautiful basket with some yummies in it. I got chocolates, a heart diamond bracelet, a card and a cd. The cd was the best gift though!! It had Aaron singing a song that he wrote just for me. It was so beautiful that I cried all the way to work. It was about what the future holds in store for us. It was very very pretty. Once I got to work I got a rose and tulip flower arrangement delivered.
Tonight we are going to dinner. We are going to Carrabba's Italian. Dh wanted to do something different since we usually do Perrys Grill (steakhouse). Hopefully its good, which I heard it is.

So last night my 2 sisters and I headed to dinner. My middle sister got married in January and is moving to El Paso where her dh is stationed. It was nice because it was just us but it was sad towards the end. We cried and hugged. I can't believe she is leaving. Its so weird. I know we will see her again but its just different now. I am going to miss her alot. :(

I will start provera tonight or tomorrow. I am supposed to do an HPT first *insert rolling eyes emoticon here*. I will do one just for the laugh I suppose. I am sure my hcg is down to zero. I hope so.
I picked up my meds during lunch. I can't believe we are about to start again. It went by so fast.

I haven't updated in a while. I tried to once last week but it took too long so I was impatient and closed out.

The results for the testing done after my D&C came back 2 weeks ago. I am disappointed with them but what can I do. The nurse said that the tissue they tested was 100% maternal tissue meaning it was all mine. Why? I don't know. I asked if that meant that they got the wrong tissue out and was the baby still in me and she said no. What most likely happened (our RE had already assumed this as the lab was taking a bit long) was that by the time they got to the testing the baby's tissue was all dead. They weren't able to retrieve ANY live cells from him which is how they test it in the lab. The take the live cells and grow them and then they test them for different chromosome abnormalities. Well our baby didn't have any live cells to grow. I am mad that I will never know what or what did NOT go wrong. She did say that they went ahead and tested me and my chromosomes as that is very important in miscarriages. She said I was 100% perfect. Everything was in place where it should be. So in other words, I didn't pass on any chromosome problems the baby. Dh and I thought it would be better to test him also. I really really hope to get the results BEFORE our FET that way we know what we are looking at. I know I have only had one miscarriage but for me and alot more women, that is ENOUGH. I don't see why docs don't test you for all this once you have one. I guess because miscarriages are so common plus these tests are very $$, its better to just assume it was a fluke and it probably won't happen again. Well I personally can't rely on "probably". I, in no way, want to go through another loss. So I got on the ball.
If Aaron comes out with something (which I doubt, but you just never know) then we *might* hold out on the FET. I would want to see my RE to see what we can do. I imagine it would be IVF with PGD. With PGD, they test the embryos for a certain number of chromosome abnormalities. Some embryos look good and are growing so those might be the ones they choose to put back in the woman. But little do they know, they might be abnormal. With this PGD procedure you can avoid that. I sorta wish we would had done this in my first cycle, just in case...

So for now, I am going along with the FET. I will get the results of Aaron's tests in about 2 weeks which is when I will probably get AF. I am timing it perfectly with Provera just in case we back out and decide to go on to another fresh cycle.
So the plan is (for now at least) to take provera on Thursday. I expect to take the 10 pills and then get my period 3 days after my last pill. On day 3 I will start the Estrace tablets and then further along start the progesterone injections.

I am going to drop off my Rx today and pick up the provera.

The days are going by FAST for me. I can't believe we are already half way down February almost. I expect my transfer to be in the 2nd week of March *insert bug eyed emoticon here*. Its just around the corner! EEK!

I was supposed to be eating better and working out. Have I? Not a chance. I am back into my jeans which were tight when I was PG so that is good. I might start tonight though...

I am getting more and more excited about our FET cycle but also afraid. I was just like this when I was getting close to our IVF cycle. I guess it just comes with the territory. I am afraid that it won't work. I am afraid that the embies won't make it through thaw. I am afraid that I will miscarry again.. The fears don't stop!!!!
Now here are the things I am hopeful for. They are the opposite of what I fear. My mind goes back and forth. I am hopeful that I all my embies will make it or at least 3!! (RE assumes this also) I am hopeful that ONE HAS to implant out of 3 or 4!! It just has to!! I am hopeful that I will have more than one although for the babies health, will only be excited about this option if all babies are healthy and no complications. I am hopeful that my miscarriage was just a fluke and that it was ordained that way and that this next PG I will carry to term.
I thought my transfer would take place at the end of March but its most likely to be in the middle of March. By the end of March, I should be finding out if it worked!!! (which I think it will- positive thoughts!)
I do really have a feeling it will work like I did with my IVF. I hope I am right.
Aaron and I are praying hard for this. We started early this time (too much prayer never hurts) and we are believing that this FET will finally bring our baby (or babies) into our arms.
This month I need to concentrate on eating good and just getting healthier. I have my maternity clothes ready (yes I had already bought some, bought some way before IVF too) ready to go. I just want to be PG so bad. I hate that I have to start all over but what can I do. I will have to go through the torture of waiting on beta results, waiting on 1st u/s, waiting on 2nd u/s , graduating, etc... but at the same time I will get to experience taking that pee stick and seeing a light line, then getting darker and darker. I get to experience that "pregnancy" on the digi again. I get to dream about my baby (babies) and how they are growing inside of me. That makes it bittersweet and worth it. I hope this really, really works!

I am counting down the days!!! UGH... Monday is my appt. I really hope to get the answers to the testing we had done on our baby. That would be awesome if we could get them that day although they told us it would be 3 weeks. We will see...
I also can't wait to hear what is next. I am sure its our FET. I am just wondering how long I have to wait. Hopefully not too too long.
I decided to call my insurance company today just to hear it for myself that we no longer have IVF coverage since our insurance carrier changed. We now have a max of $10K (not sure if I have shared this yet) which MY clinic said that only IUI was included under the $10K.. no IVF. Although, they would give us a discount because we DO have insurance... it would be around $7,000.. still who has all that money laying around for something that isn't guaranteed. Of course, if that's what we have to do, then we will... But first things are first.
Anyway, I called 2 times just to make sure they were correct! Both representatives said that YES, IVF is included in our IF coverage!!!! So I suppose if IVF IS covered then FET is too. If not, well $3000 is MUCH better than $7,000! So I called the Serano lines which will call your insurance company for YOU to verify IF coverage. I will hear from them tomorrow. I am just wondering if the insurance company had a clue of what they were talking about... IVF and stuff isn't really popular and not many people know about it. I SO HOPE THAT THEY ARE RIGHT THOUGH. With the $10K limit, I have 1 more fresh cycle to try and a little bit towards another cycle. That would give me peace going into the FET cycle since the FET isn't as high as the IVF. If IVF isn't included, I have thought up a plan. I will do the FET no matter what. That will be first. Hopefully, I end up PG and carry to term. If not, I will probably do a couple of IUI's (inuterine inseminations) with injectibles. I don't want to do too many as I don't want to use up our $10K. Then during reenrollment time, I will switch over to the other insurance company that Aaron's company offers. We have Blue Cross but they also had Aetna. I chose Blue Cross just because.. I called Aetna today and they DO cover IVF but its still a $10K limit AND both insurance companies are combined. In other words, the $10K is for BOTH insurance companies. I can't go use up $10K with this one then use up $10 with the other. Once the $10K is gone, it's gone. So I want to save it up to switch over if I have to. That won't be until November though.. *sigh* Hopefully, I don't have to go that far. My parents would help us with a fresh IVF also but I don't want to do that. They are helping us enough in our FET (paying for it) and I would hate to make them spend another $7-10K on an IVF. I don't know.. I will cross that bridge once we get there.
For now, I am praying that its true and that our insurance covers the IVF. That way, I might still have my parents help us out on our FET and if BFN, we will do a fresh IVF with our insurance asap!!!!
Okay, I am rambling!!!! I have been thinking about this and it helps when I write about it.

The bleeding has stopped and I think it's brought closure. Today was actually a good day. I talked at work, I ate something good, I came home in a good mood, etc. Of course, yesterday I had a HUGE cry here all by myself while everyone else was at work but I felt so good afterwards. I am feeling hopeful again and I even told myself that I was going to have a baby soon. I went to Target and walked through the baby aisle and bought 2 cute onsies. I know, but I couldn't resist. The thought of "I actually got PG" came to my mind and it made me smile. I actually can say that I had a baby in there which is something that I thought was impossible.
I have my follow up appt with Dr. Dunn on Monday (a week from today) and I am excited. I want to see what the plan is. I want to get some dates down so I can start counting down the weeks/days whatever. I did that during IVF and it kept me looking forward to the next time I would see the doc or start a new med.
I really hope that I don't have to wait too long but I don't want to rush into it either. I want to do this right and give my body the best chance of PG again so whatever it takes to heal. As long as I get my schedule.. I will be okay.
I miss my little baby so much. I do. It still breaks my heart but I know that he is in Heaven. I am also waiting to hear about the results of the testing they were going to do to see what went wrong. I honestly feel that that would give me closure and give me the courage to accept the miscarriage so much better. I just hate wondering "what if I did this" or "I should have done this". If something was wrong with our baby, then I can have peace of mind that it was out of our control and it was best. KWIM?
Anyway, I will update more later.

I now feel that I can write about this. It might be theuraputical for me.
On the 8th we went in to graduate from Dr. Dunn's office to my new ob/gyn. Aaron and I were so excited. I finally believed I was pregnant and finally believed that there was a baby in there. How could you deny it with the heart beating so beautifully 4 days before? I ran to Walmart right before our appt to buy a voice recorder. I planned to get a cheap one but why buy a cheap on for something as important as this. I wanted to record the baby's heart for my parents. I knew it would make them so happy. So off I go and I get home ready to pick up Aaron. I needed to shower so I did very very quickly. Aaron wasn't ready (which I argued with him about) but finally we were in the car.
As we drove there we made up and decided to just get over it. We were then SO excited!!!! I decided to test out the recorder and left a little message saying we were on the way and how happy that I was. Aaron left one too but his was funny. He did it like a spy and said the time and the highway we were on. He also said how happy he was.
We got to the REs and I swear I was so calm and so happy. Aaron too! Usually, I am so nervous and so distraught before appts because I am just paranoid but after seeing the heartbeat, I believed everything was fine.
We were there in the waiting room kissing and cuddling and just looking like we were about to be announced for an award show or something.
So they call us back and I get my little sheet on. Aaron is of course making jokes as usual. I turn on the recorder right before the u/s tech comes in. I hide it under my shirt and lay there ready to see and hear the baby.
Aaron gets up and walks to the screen. She always takes pics of my ovaries and THEN gets to the baby. I am smiling and giggling looking at Aaron. He never looked at me which was usual because he would get so excited seeing the baby that he forgot I even existed! But this time it was different. He didn't smile, he didn't blink. I saw him look at the tech's face about 3 times. I had my recorder on still and was just waiting and waiting for the heartbeat. I felt her pull out and she told me to get dressed and to wait for the doctor. She sounded and looked weird. I looked at Aaron and he was pale and his eyes were red. I told him he was freaking me out. I asked him what did he see and he said nothing. He said he didn't see the heart anymore. I didn't let him get me down but finally the fear crept in. I told him that what probably happened was that last time I spotted and they were specifically looking for the baby and the heart. This time I was fine so maybe he just missed it. He said "yeah, everything is fine". We waited for 45 minutes!! We usually wait for 10 minutes. That wait was the longest and I literally felt faint and like I was dreaming. Aaron kept kissing me and telling me that everything was okay. The couple that was in the waiting room kept looking at us so I tried to hide my tears by looking down. FINALLY the doc called us back and from that moment I knew something was wrong. His tone and facial expressions were different. We got to his office and the first thing he said was that he had bad news... the pregnancy wasn't viable. After that I don't remember much just pieces. I literally felt like I was in a dream and that at any moment I would wake up. I kept saying Oh God and Aaron was just holding me. I did manage to ask questions but I don't remember what.

I have cried and cried. I have asked why. I have felt angry. I don't understand the purpose of this. I would have rather had a bfn then this. I would have even rather miscarried early than at 8/9 weeks. Sometimes I would rather have not heard the little heartbeating just 4 days before this.

On Thursday we had a pre op appt and we requested another u/s. Aaron and I really believed that things could turn around. Our faith really was great that day. Unfortunately, things were the same. They gave me a pill to take that night to soften my cervix and make it easier for my d & c the following morning. After about 2 hours of taking the pill I started to cramp. I had no bleeding or cramping prior to this. By midnight i had very very strong cramps. I believe that they were uterine contractions as I read that this pill caused them. I would get them every 5- 10 minutes and they were excrutiating. They would run all down my legs. By 2 am I was so tired and sleepy but they kept me up. I would finally fall asleep but then would wake up to pain. I couldn't drink nothing after midnight and I had diarhhea so I got dehydrated. I was in the bathroom when I started to see blood. I cried but managed to go back to bed. Aaron was with me the whole time. I got again later on by myself and I was on the toilet when I started to feel faint and dizzy. I cried out to Aaron but I didn't have strength to scream. I passed out while sitting but just for a few seconds. I finally got Aaron up and he came to help me. I kept passing out on him and then I woke up on the floor with him holding me up. It was horrible. Aaron kept telling me to drink something and I know that I should had but there was no way I wanted them to cancel me in the morning after everything I had just been through and there was no way I wanted to miscarry naturally. I was in pain. So I actually got some sleep for about an hour. I did wake up from the cramps still but I managed to sleep.
In the moring I was still hurting but relieved. As I was in the room by myself waiting I was crying. I knew that was it. I didn't talk much but I do remember everybody being nice. I remember wheeling off to the OR and I was still crying.
I woke up crying and Aaron says that I was rubbing my belly and saying "my baby" over and over. The nurse asked me if it hurt in my belly and I mumbled "no". I remember she said "Oh, it hurts in here (pointed at her heart), I know sweety".
I eventually woke up enough to go home. I had had nothing but great support since then. My mom has called me several times a day and has come over when I have been alone. Aaron has been taking care of me and all around us, people have been praying for us. My dad is heartbroken and took it pretty hard. He knows I am hurting so bad and he hates to see me sad. Also, he was so excited to be a grandfather.

Of course now everything feels like its getting worse. I found out that our new insurance (Aaron's company merged) does NOT cover IVF. It does cover IUI and testing/ diagnosing up to $10,000 but no IVF. I learned this right after hearing that I had lost the baby. It made the pain even worse.

THe good thing is that I have coverage. I can do IUI with injectibles alot as I have the $10,000 max. But the best thing is that my parents have offered to help us out with our frozen embryos and possibly a fresh IVF cycle if needed.
When I was in my ivf cycle I didn't want any left over embryos as I had a hard time dealing (morally) thinking about how they were in the clinic just waiting. Since I though I would carry to term I didn't think I would get to them for years. I even told Aaron I didn't want any left and if there were some, I hoped I only got a couple. THANK GOD that we have 4 babies on ice. I am so happy that God didn't answer that prayer. THe transfer is much cheaper than a fresh IVF cycle. I don't take nearly as much meds and its easier on the body. It runs about $3000 and my parents are ready for me to get started ASAP. Aaron and I also feel the need to move on asap. I think that is the only thing that is keeping me going- having a plan for the future. They told me I have to wait and get at least a period. I plan to get my FET at the end of Feb/ March. I have a follow up appt on the 29th with my doc and hopefully he is on board with our decision. I also want to convince him to transfer all the embryo's. I don't want to pay for 2 FETs as that will be almost the price of one fresh IVF. (we get a discounted rate at my REs since we have insurance but no IVF.. it will be around $7000, probably more since we need ICSI and AH)
Not all embryos survive the thawing process but if they all do or if 3 do, I want them all in me. The clinic's limit is usually 2 because of my age. I am going to try to push him though. Hopefully my reasons are good enough to make me an exception.
I am back at work today and I did have a cry this morning. I wish I was at home on the couch.
I forgot to mention, they are doing testing on the baby to see if it was chromosome problems or genetics or whatever. I am hoping (weird that I am hoping that something was wrong with my baby) that it was chromosomes as I heard its just a chance you take everytime you make a baby and it doesn't mean it will happen again. I think I would get peace of mind knowing that something was wrong and that baby couldn't make it. I have been letting my mind run wild thinking what if it was something I did wrong or something that I did do. Aaron and I argued on Saturday night and I cried. I was very emotional but then again, I was very emotional during my pregnancy. I didn't cry alot but when I did, oh boy!!! I would get angry 10 times faster then normal and get my feelings hurt 20 times sooner. I keep wondering if I stressed out the baby or if I ate something bad. I think Aaron wonders too so if something was physically wrong with baby, I think we would both feel a little better knowing that God knew what we didn't and that our baby is in a better place.
Like I said, I am still hurting. My insides feel hot and I cry hysterically one moment and then I am smiling again the next. Its all a big ball of emotions. It still feels like a bad dream but by now I know I would have woken up so its real. The hard part is remembering where I was each week. I asked God to help me forget the weeks I was that way I don't ponder on what the baby should have been doing that week etc. So far, I still remember.
Through all of this, I am angry. I feel a little resentment towards God, I won't lie. I feel like I finally had my dream come true then it was taken away. I feel it was cruel. The rug was pulled from under me and I fell flat on my face. But... I won't let my heart get cold or hard. I still trust in God. I need Him to help me make it through this. I have to believe that He does know better. I have to believe that He does care that I am hurt. I have to believe that He is in control and that one day He will bless me a hundred fold. I have to believe that all my tears will turn into laughter again.
There is a song that Aaron played for me. Its an old Rich Mullins song but there is a new version of it. It says "hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf, You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace". I hear it and I cry. God has been there, I won't deny it. I don't understand. I don't see outside the box but He does. Amazingly, I can say God is still good. I had told God before my IVF cycle that I wouldn't be able to handle losing a baby. I asked if He could please give me a BFN rather than a miscarriage. I got the BFP and I felt calm because I thought God had given me my wish. I specifically told Him I would die of pain.
When I remembered praying this, my heart broke. I told Him I had warned Him. But I remembered when saying that I would die. I did feel like I could die, I still feel like I could of the pain, I even get crazy thoughts of running in front of a car. But I am still here! I haven't died and I won't. I thought the pain would kill me but it hasn't. I guess I am stronger than I thought and God knew it. God wouldn't give us more than we could handle right?
Another good thing is that Aaron and I have united through our pain. I have seen the good-expect-nothing-in-return in him these last 2 weeks. He has seen the sensitive little girl in me. We have come together so strong and we are moving forward. He has been my side and has held me late in the night and early in the morning which are the worse times for me. He has kissed me and made me laugh again. He tells me that we are going to make it and that we will have our children soon. I have held him and kissed him. I patted him and hugged him tightly when he broke down. For him, it was more of a leader thing. He felt guilty because he said he didn't take his father role too serious. He felt he should have prayed more and been more of a spiritual leader. I understand the guilt but trust me, he did everything and more. In the beginning of all this I was afraid that this would break me and him and that we wouldn't be able to come out of it but instead its the opposite. We are stronger than ever!! I told our baby the other day that in the short time that he was here, he brought joy and peace to our home and to his mommy and daddy. He brought new love to us and such an innocent excitement. Aaron became so attached to his baby and I knew his heart was never going to be the same. All this from a little baby that was only 2 months old in my womb.
Hearing his heartbeat was such a beautiful sound but its also been haunting. I hear it in my mind and it hurts that it was so real. I wonder if in all this that spotting episode was a gift from God. Afterall, if I wouldn't have come in that Wednesday, I wouldn't have heard the heartbeat. Then on Monday I would have been told that the baby was dead. I guess I got a little sneak peek and although it hurts to remember I will never forget. He was real inside of me and was alive. I thank God for that spotting and that emergency u/s.

We have a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 140 bpm! The spotting was probably from our wild sex the night before but I guess we will never know... The baby is measuring perfectly. He/she is sooo much bigger than the previous picture. Its truly amazing. I had the probe in me and for a couple of seconds we heard the heartbeat loud and clear. Of course, being that I have never experienced PG, I thought for sure that is MY heartbeat... it's way too early to hear it. Right? WRONG. It was the baby's heartbeat and it was soo loud and precious! Aaron had a HUGE smile on his face. I had told him to give me some kind of sign like a thumbs up or something as soon as he saw the chico but the more I looked at him the more worried I became. His face looked like he had seen a ghost. Later on, I find out that at first he didn't see anything. He said that the screen looked blank and that he got really scared. The tech was taking scans of everything though (ovaries..I guess checking for cysts?) so that could explain why he didn't see much but then he said that she zoomed in and then he saw the baby. Then she zoomed in more and more and he said he saw the heartbeating. He said the screen said "babys heartbeat". Thats when we heard it!!! I am soo happy and so relieved. I am just in awe right now. I can't believe there is a little heart beating in my belly.

Well my fears are now here in my face. I spotted last night and I am terrified. I keep reassuring myself with the explanation of it being my cervix. The night before, Aaron and I had sex and it was a little rough, I guess you can say. Nothing that hurt but a little rough. The nurse on call said that it could definately be that and probably is. She said women sometimes will spot right after intercourse a light pinkish color or a day or 2 or 3 and it will be darker. She said its just that the cervix is so sensitive that even touching it with a q-tip will make it bleed. She said the good thing was that it was dark. I explained the color to be a dark brown- dark maroon color. It looked sort of like a dark mauve. She said that meant old blood so whatever it was that happened had already happened. If it was red, then that would be different. Honestly, the spotting did alarm me but since it was old I wasn't too too freaked out until I wiped again and found a clot!! It was a dark dark brown color and thats when I almost passed out. The nurse reassured me about this too saying that sometimes you will see what looks like tissue but again its old.
I hope she is right! I blame the sex for now and I called my REs office and they want me to come in asap! I had an u/s on Monday but they want me in today at 1pm. THat scared me.. I thought that they would just tell me it was normal.
I am so scared and to top it all off Aaron might not be able to go. His company is merging with another as we speak so there are alot of things going on right now (meetings, changes) and he has no time. UGH. This is horrible.

My appt is now days away instead of weeks away. I feel much better. I guess I go through these worry spurts then the next day I feel okay. I am still nervous but I am not going crazy looking for an outside u/s company. I just decided to wait, be patient and let the 8th come. I can't do anything about what is to happen.
I just trust in God that everything is okay.
I have been feeling a little quesy at times. It doesn't last too long but I have noticed it. I have gagged at smells. I can smell something so strong and distinct. It literally makes me gag!! My boobs look a little different too. They seem a bit bigger but not where I am "WHOA!", kwim? I can just see a slight difference.
The symptoms make me feel a little better, I admit. I totally expected my PG to be different though.. actually I couldn't even imagine myself PG for the longest time but if *did* I imagined me being sick, puking and just blah. I imagined my boobs getting gigantic and just feeling PG.
So far PG has been good to me from what I hear.
I am 7 weeks 4 days today. I am getting up there. I am almost 2 months!! Its exciting and scary though. I just can't wait to see the "chico" again!!! (Aaron and I's nickname for the little one) I am so excited!!! I wish it was tomorrow!!!!! I can't wait to compare the scan from over 2 weeks ago to this one. There should be a BIG difference.

I haven't written in a while and I have so much on my mind.

AGAIN, I am freaked out! I just keep wondering if my babys' heart is beating in there or not. (it should be since I am 7 weeks now) I just keep thinking about it and with the holidays it wasn't so bad but now that Christmas is over, I am left with nothing to do and I end up thinking. I am trying to find an outside company that will do u/s on the side just to see the baby. I even thought of going in to the emergancy room!!!! Thats how desperate I am... My u/s isn't until the 8th and I just can't see myself waiting so long. I just pray and pray that the baby is doing perfectly fine in there.
My symptoms are still here but now I have come up with another thought. I think all of my symptoms are from the PIO I am taking. I wonder if I stop the PIO (which I can't as my progesterone is too low) would my symptoms go away? Its just crazy. I just wish I was out of the 1st trimester...
I don't feel as hungry anymore, I don't feel as tired anymore and have actually stayed up alot this week. I know I am sooo paranoid and I should stop but I can't help it!!!


On another note, Christmas was good. Really good. I got some awesome gifts and spent alot of time with family. It was great!!! I was off for 5 days in a row so that was the BEST part!!! hehe The days went by pretty fast though. I am off again this Monday so hopefully time will go by fast this week!!!

So I can breathe again!!!!!! There is only 1 in there and he/she is measuring right on!!! I am 5w6d and my scan said he/she measures 5w5d so our RE said it was perfect! We saw the fetal pole and yolk sac. We didn't get to see a heartbeat yet and I knew that we probably wouldn't but by next u/s we should!!! Dr. Dunn was very happy for us and told me to relax and to keep doing a good job.

I cried the whole way over there. All day I had such a nervousness in me that by the time I was home I was just a ball of emotions. I cried the whole 45 minutes there... Then I cried while the tech did the u/s. I was just so afraid that the screen was empty and that she wouldn't be able to find the little one. I layed there with hot tears running down my face looking away from Aaron as I didn't want to see what faces he was making. I worried because she took alot of pics and I thought for sure she was looking and looking but couldn't find anything.
She isn't allowed to talk to us about the results which made it HARDER so once we went to the waiting area to wait for Dr. Dunn I started to CRY again. I was just leaning on Aaron's shoulder when Dr. D came. He saw that I was crying and asked if I was nervous... I just laughed and said yes. Then as we were walking in to his office he said it was GOOD. HOOORAY, I felt in my soul!!! He explained everything to us and asked our questions. It was just heaven to hear it!!!

I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! I go back on the 8th because they are closed for the holidays. I should hear a heartbeat by then.

I have 20 minutes until I get off... I will go home and rest for a little, get dressed and head off to the RE with Aaron. My God, I am so nervous. I just have a funky feeling and I am stressing big time. I feel like crying, I feel like hiding away and I am already thinking what I am going to do if I get bad news? What will I do for Christmas?

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so worried? Is it a sign? Is it my instincts telling me the baby is not there anymore? Why can't this be easy? I read about other moms and they are already planning whether or not they are finding out the sex!!! I am still thinking of getting to 6 weeks (tomorrow) then 7, 8, 9, etc...

I am set that I trust God though. I know that even though my mind is going crazy right now, I trust in the Lord. I have from the beginning. I know He will come through for me... I don't know what that means, but I know He will.

OH GOD!!

I will post once I get back. We are supposed to go out and celebrate so I should be home later on...

We are now 5 1/2 hours away!! My appt is not until 2 pm and I wish I was at home sleeping so the time wouldn't go by so slow. My stomach is in knotts and my mind is racing. I know that I have been positive but I am just scared. I am scared that the baby died or that there is no baby in there. I am so scared. I have been praying and hoping and just want good news. I have no reason to believe that I have lost the baby but then again I wouldn't have one. THats what keeps going through my mind! I am on progesterone so that would keep AF away. My boobs hurt, yes, but that is the progesterone. My temps are high, yes, but again progesterone. I just have an excuse for everything! I am hungrier but that could just be me.

This is just so nervewracking. I don't even feel like going in to the u/s!! I just want good news...

24 hours to go... It's 2:05 pm right now. I just got butterflies in my stomach and my heart is beating harder. I can't help but to wonder what is going to happen tomorrow. I know its a vaginal u/s and that I have to go with my bladder empty but I just wonder what happens. The tech will be doing the u/s which means that she can't talk about the results with me. How is that possible? How will I know if I have a heartbeat or not or where the sac is or the fetal pole? My nurse said that we would see Dr. Dunn right afterwards but still. I would like to have everything on the screen explained to us. I am sure it will go good though but I am still worried. Will this worrying ever stop? I don't think so. I am now a mother. :) I guess it helps me understand my mom more.
My mom was so sweet today too. She was telling me all about what she has been reading on PG and what I should do. She was asking me how I feel and asking me about m/s and my boobs! LOL I guess everyone is surprised when I say that I feel good. I don't feel nauseaus yet and everyone seems to expect that.

The day is getting closer and I must admit that I am nervous. I have had a "good" feeling since starting the cycle but now as I get closer to see if my baby is growing and doing good, my heart starts beating faster and I can't concentrate or anything else.. So I have been trying to avoid the thoughts and just wait patiently. So far its worked as I am only 2 days away now! I just pray that we will get good news and that we will get to see at least a faint little brand new heartbeat. I have become more adjusted to the idea of a singleton. Aaron says he thinks there is only one in there... My betas seem to be normal high but not too high. My symptoms are minimal and although you can't base that on trying to figure out if its one or two, I pretty much gave into the singleton thought. I really don't care if its one or two, as long as I have one. Well, let me rephrase that... I have become attached to both of them. I saw them both and so they grew on me. Up until beta, I referred to them as "them". Now I say "baby". But I just want a healthy bean or two in there... By the way, I am ready to zonk out right now!!!
Anyway, my "symptoms" haven't gotten any worse. I am still sleepy and tired but thats it! I have no morning sickness whatsoever! I sort of wish I did though just to feel pregnant. My boobs hurt but I say its the progesterone. I am peeing alot still so thats another good sign.

Well its still 2 days away :) so I guess I will go back to waiting...

I thought I would drop in and talk. The obsession never seems to stop right? First it was IVF, retrieval, transfer, then PG tests, then BETA, and now 1st u/s. All these subjects are on my internet browser since I obsess with each step of the way. I guess it's normal.
Since I am on progesterone in oil, my symptoms could be that or real PG symptoms. I am not sure... But so far I am feeling TIRED and all the time! Today I actually feel good. I just feel like I am walking around in a daze. Last night I felt off. I look "off". I really need to relax more though. I have a Christmas program coming up this weekend so it has me on my feet but I am feeling like I need to rest. That is my plan for tonight! Tomorrow we are having a dinner banquet so no rest tomorrow.
Another symptom is hunger! I am hungry almost all the time. I eat then my food goes down, and then 2-3 hours later my stomach starts tugging again. This morning I ate chili for breakfast. It was GOOD. I also ate an apple and some goldfish. Its 11:30 and I feel like I am starving again.
I have also been having dizzy spells every now and then. All of a sudden I will feel the room spin and I just sit still and let it pass. Those are weird and I am sure people can tell as I sit there looking pale and in a daze.
What else.. hmmm. I guess that's it. NO morning sickness yet!! I feel good besides the fatigue so thats always awesome. Of course, I wouldn't mind m/s as long as the baby is doing good.
Oh and I pee alot and I get hot really quick. I was giving my testimony at church this Sunday and I was sweating bullets! I am talking about just sweat pouring down my face. It was hot in there but the nerves plus all the hormones made me a sweaty pig! Not attractive...
But who cares, right? I am just happy to have a little baby in there. I bought an Equate test last night. I hadn't tested since Sunday. The line was DARK purple. It was nice to see just for reassurance.
So my u/s is on 12/20. It seems far away but its only a week from today. I have to admit that I am nervous. I am just scared of miscarrying. On FF when I see the siggies of the women who had miscarriages they have the week the baby was when they miscarried. Some say 8 or 9 weeks. Some even say 10 weeks. Some say early like 5 or 6 weeks. Its just scary that I am so early and that I am still so far away from being safe... I just pray and pray that everything turns out good and that I will carry this baby to term. No miscarriage, no early labor, no stillbirth, nothing like that. Aaron is praying too so hopefully our prayers together (where 2 or 3 agree) will be heard.

2nd beta was today!! I just got my results....

664!!!

Progesterone was 23.7 so I stay on the shots... I am kind of relieved to here that as I was worried they were taking me off too soon. Plus my mom had several miscarriages and we just want to be careful..

WOOHOO!!! My beta is doing GOOD!! I have my u/s for 12/20/06!!

Where are you Christmas Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing, I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too, Where are you Christmas
Do you remember, The one you used to know
I'm not the same one, See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here, Everywhere,
ohChristmas is here
If you care,
ohIf there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas ,I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas, Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love

(Where are you Christmas- song by Faith Hill)





I used to hear this song and get so sad. Every year during the holidays I had a hard lump in my throat. A sadness and emptiness in my heart. This Christmas is filled with joy and happiness but I haven't forgotten the pain. It still hurts. I really hope I get to hold this baby (ies) in my arms next year in Aug.

So I went and did my beta today. I woke up early and just layed there thinking. I was excited but nervous! I have still been testing so HPTs are getting darker and darker still but the BETA is the "ONE" test.
So come around noon my nurse calls. She told me that she knew I had cheated (I had told her earlier this week) but CONGRAGULATIONs anyway... She said to keep taking the PIO and baby aspirin and that I will come in on Monday again for a repeat beta to make sure my numbers are going up. Oh duh! My number was :


185!!!

Yippeee! She said that it was a very good number and that she would guess its only 1 in there. I told her I didn't care as long as there was 1! Aaron is happy, my mom is happy and I am happy! WOohoo!!

Okay, so I couldn't keep it in but to my defense neither could Aaron!!!! We told!!! We still did what we were going to do for Christmas but instead we took them to dinner and then gave them their "early" Christmas gifts. It was my mom, dad, and one of my sisters. My other sister couldn't make as she was working but I would later get a hold of her. So we ate and boy was that dinner LOOONG. I ate so fast but my parents were slow. My heart was beating hard and fast as me and Aaron caught glances at each other. Every now and then we would giggle without them noticing. So finally they finished and we were just talking. Then Aaron said that we brought them out to give them some early Christmas presents. They looked a bit confused. So I had wrapped all their gifts up and he passed them out. We decided that we would give them gifts that were associated with their roles such as "grandma" or "grandpa". So for my mom we got her some spanish chocolate bars that are used to make hot chocolate (which is SO good by the way). The chocolate is called "Abuelita" chocolate. "Abuelita" means grandmother in spanish. For my dad we found some natural soap by the brand of "Grandpa's". It was an acne soap! For my sister that was there we got her a pack of flour tortillas called "Tia Rosa" which "Tia" means Aunt in spanish. And for my little sister we got her a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup!!! So Aaron gave it to them and they unwrapped them. It was sooo funny because they didn't get it!! My sister said "TORTILLAS???" (she really thought she was getting a good present..hehe) She said "is this a joke?". Then my mom was looking at her chocolate so confused. She just said "chocolate?". Later she told me she thought I wanted her to make me some chocolate.. lol My dad took the longest to open his and Aaron helped him yank off the paper. He said "Grandpa's soap" (reading the label). My mom read it and said that my dad didn't have acne... too funny! So we kept quiet and then I *think* my dad kind of got it because he looked at his then my moms. He told my mom "look what they are trying to tell you... grandma, grandpa". Then my sister said "Tia, Grandma, Grandpa!! AWWWW!!!! Your PG!" My mom asked me "Are you pregnant???" I said "YES!!!" So I started to cry ALOT. I looked at my mom and dad and my mom was teary eyed and my dad was CRYING. It was soo sweet. He just stared at me and asked "really?" I just nodded. It was perfect!!!! Then they congragulated us and my sister hugged me! It was a night I will never forget. My other sister finally got there and we gave her her gift. She asked "SYRUP??" She said "what are you trying to tell me?" So then my other sis grabbed all their other gifts and showed them to her. And she finally got it!! She asked "are you having a baby?" I said "yup". She hugged me and was so happy. Its really neat to see them so happy with me. I know already that our child(ren) are loved so much already.
Once we left we went over to my cousins house as I knew a bunch of people were over there. Some of our closest friends from church were over there and plus I am really really close to my cousin. So I acted like nothing and then I told her I wanted to take a picture of her family in front of their house for Christmas. Her husband was all grouchy because he was cold but I begged him. So it was them and their 2 girls. I had the camera and I told them that instead of saying cheese say "Diana" so they obediently repeated. Then I said "IS PREGNANT!" I snapped the picture right after I said that! It was too funny! I got the picture of my cousin and one of her girls with their mouth wide open SCREAMING. Its a GREAT pic for the scrapbook!! Hehe...
So tonight we are telling my grandma and my mother in law. Its sooo exciting!!! We are just so happy and so cheerful right now.
I tested again last night and it was DARKER. Everyday my first response tests get darker and darker.. Soon they will be as dark as the control line. Today I am 4 weeks exactly or 14 dpo!!! I am feeling sleepy, and sluggish. I am starting to get headaches. And I seem to be hungry alot but once I eat I get full really quick. I weighed myself this morning since I didn't weight myself during IVF because I knew I had gained some weight from all the bloating. Well I weighed in at the same if not 2-3 lbs lighter. SO I am glad to be back to my normal weight. Right now, I could just zonk out and probably will during lunch... *yawn*

The good thing so far is no nausea! Yeah! I hate being sick to my stomach because I hardly every am. I haven't thrown up in years (like way over 5 years!!!) so when I feel sick its horrible. I don't puke easily so that is good. Well the things I have noticed so far (but could totally be the progesterone shots) are the dreams, very vivid dreams every night since about 5 days ago. Every morning I wake up thinking that my dream was real. The other funny thing is that my mind is off. I am not sure what is going on. I thought it was funny the other day (before BFP) and I even mentioned it to Aaron that I must be pregnant because I had the PG brain. I was cleaning my stove and usually I clean it with the orange degreaser stuff. Well I go under the sink and grab a bottle. When I realized what I was doing I was like "what in the world?". I was degreasing the stove with Windex. I must say that it made it really shiney though! lol Then the other day I took a shower. I came out and was drying my hair and realized that I had forgotten to wash my body!! DUH!!! At walmart (during my psycho 2ww woman phase) I forgot my debit card to buy my PG tests so I only bought one with the emergency credit card. It didn't even phase me that I could write a check. And last but not least I am here at work right now and I had a juvenile waiting for his probation office for 30 minutes!!! I totally forgot he was here. I am just in la la land...

We got it!!! I have now changed over to the PG side and its official for us BOTH!! I am pregnant! I am pregnant!! I am pregnant!!! Merry Christmas to me!!!
I

So even though I am sure I am PG I still haven't changed my tickers, I still haven't officially announced it on FF except in a very small IVF group I am in. Tonight, I plan to take a digital test. That will for sure make me change my ticker!!! Aaron really really wants to see the digital so I thought I would just give in to him. :) He keeps calling me "mommy" and asking me how I feel everytime he calls. Its so sweet! He even brought me lunch today which was a salmon patty (PG safe, so I read), mashed potatoes and nasty nasty spinach! YUCK. I usually like spinach but this tasted like out of the can spinach. Gross. But he said I NEEDED to eat it!! So I managed to eat some....

So I will update with a HOPEFULLY ++ digital tonight!!

Monday morning. Blech. Aaron is home all warm in our bed. WAAAA! But I gotta say that THIS Monday isn't bad at all. I woke up this morning wishing I could call in but at the same time I was excited to get up! I AM PREGNANT! That is a reason to suck it up and get up. I am just so happy and feeling so blessed.
The funny thing is, I always imagined getting my bfp and crying and falling on my knees from all the emotion that would take over me. But when I got my bfp on 9 dpo (yes, it was that early!!... I told ya that was a line... I am sure you thought I was crazy!) the first thing that popped out of my mouth was "Oh sh*t". First of all, I don't cuss. That is not part of my language but as I saw the really really light line I couldn't find words. I picked it up and looked at it under the light (I was in our bathroom) and I remember my hand was shaking. I didn't cry but I was just in total shock. I just couldn't believe it. I quickly ran (THERE GOES THE SURPRISE I WAS PLANNING FOR AARON) over to Aaron who was in office, who didn't even know I was testing let alone that I had tests. I am freaking out and show it him and he can't see it. *mad* WHAT? Its there!! "OH yeah, I can see it, its light, really light". So we went back and forth and I just knew it in my heart that it was a BFP. Again, I didn't cry. I was just smiling and in disbelief.
I am thanking God over and over of course. He deserves all the glory in my journey. Here I am PG after IVF which first of all I didn't want to do, then when I thought I could, there was no way we could pay for it right now and we had no insurance coverage. Now I sit here PG after going through IVF and paying maybe a total of $300 for the procedure and $82 for meds. Our specific cycle (IVF with ICSI and Assisting Hatching) probably costs about close to $20,000 with the meds!!! How can I NOT give Him the GLORY??? And then for it to work??? The first time??? Its just a miracle!!
Shots out to my doc too! Dr. Dunn you are our hero! I will never forget how confident he was when we went in for our ivf consultation. I actually thought he was smoking crack because HELLO??? How can you be so sure and confident?? We have not one issue but 2?? He really did fluff my head up to believe, maybe this can work- the first time. He told me I was his favorite type of patient. I was young, healthy and had a very high success rate. The only thing that could be wrong might be the PCOS and MFI and after that, maybe all would be perfect. It turns out he was right. I can't wait to tell him we are PG! On the day of my transfer, again, I thought he was smoking crack. He was just so darn happy and excited! I do have to say that after our initial meeting with him, I did feel confident in the care we would recieve. I felt that he cared and that he was a smart, professional man that we could trust. (I still thought he smoked crack though! j/k) And he was. He knew exactly what "cocktail" to give me to respond perfectly and I have even managed to NOT get ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome!! WOOOHOOOOO!!! Thats our smart Dr. Dunn!!!

Now the focus and prayer is that this baby or babies are kept inside of me for the rest of the 8 months. I pray that I will not encounter miscarriage or any threat of that sort. I feel confident as I know that God has been with me. I know this was all God in my situation. So I feel confident that HE WILL finish this work in me. But just to be on the safe side, Aaron and I are praying and praying that our child(ren) will be in perfect health and that they will stay warm and cozy inside their mommy. (ahhh, I can't believe I am a MOMMY!!!!)
So the hardest part of this is not telling anybody. I did tell ONE friend of mine last night but I made her swear not to say anything to anybody! Aaron gave me "permission" to tell her as I told him I would make her promise me. She did tell her husband (I told her she could) and they were delighted for us. She knew we were going through IVF so she was in prayer for us as well. Well the reason why we aren't telling anybody isn't because we are scared of miscarriage because again, I am confident in God that this is going to work out, but the reason is that me and Aaron had already talked about how we would tell everyone. CHRISTMAS!!! How perfect and what not better gift to my parents than the news that their first grand child(ren) are coming!!! My mom has been patiently waiting and praying as my dad and I feel so happy to finally give them that gift. This will be one of my favorite Christmas's ever!!! I have 3 weeks to hold it in and right now its easy as it still hasn't sunk in all the way with me but in about a week or so, its going to be hard... Aaron made me promise though and I know that if we waited to tell them it would be special!!!!!!

So I think that I am PG. I believe it now!!! I have taken about 6 tests in the course of 2 days and my lines are getting darker!!!!! I don't even have to squint!!! I am in heaven right now and don't know what to do with myself! Aaron is in disbelief I think.. He just turns red and gets a HUGE smile on his face!!!!!!!

Here are my recent ones...

So what does a crazy 2ww woman do at 5:30 in the morning?????? GO TO WALMART, thats what!!! I took my last test this morning, after I said I wouldn't do first morning urine and was going to wait the 24 hours and test in the evening. Well I got a second line again but it wasn't any darker. Maybe just a tad. Okay, not bad. I still have a line though. So the crazy psycho came out and I decided to get another test! NOW!!!! I was going to buy a kit, seriously like the 2-3 packs of 3 different brands (haha what would the cashier think??) but then I realized I forgot my darn debit card!!! GRRRRRRRRRRR!! OMG, I just remembered...duh, I could write a check!! DUH!! (Well that was dumb...) Well anyway, I didn't even think of writing a check but I did have my "for emergency only" credit card and decided this was an emergency!!!! So I just bought one single lonely test :( and some applejuice (I tried to get creative so the cashier wouldn't realize I had a PG test, do you think she noticed??). I decided to get an Equate as I have never ever ever gotten a BFP on those!! NEVER!!
So I am driving home asap, I passed up a red light (hey, nobody was looking!) and finally arrived at my destination - the cup with the fresh first morning urine! Took the test, looked at it in 3 minutes and YES PEOPLE, I HAVE ANOTHER LINE!!! LIGHT, BUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promise, I will stack up on some tonight!!! Many brands, many kits!!

I have been testing since thursday.. I know BAD ME! But i wan't to check to make sure the ovidrel was out. well I got a bfn on target brand on thursday then yesterday i got a bfn on first response...the same time as the night before. well i just took another first response (darn 3 pack!!!) and lo and behold I have a very very very light line. it came up at around 2-3 minutes and its pink!!!!!!!! i am soo freaking out i don't even know what to do. i am being very cautious of course since its so early and the light is so line. i hope it is still there tomorrow! i can't even type right!! OMG!! OMG!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! here is the test. you might not be able to see it but i saw it, i swear!!!

I thought it might be wise to come here and think out loud. For some reason, I looked at my calendar and I am a week away from beta. It makes my stomach turn into knots just thinking about it. I am trying not to get anxious or panicky because I know that is not good for me or the possible growing babies inside of me but how can you help yourself not to??? This 2ww is torture!!! I did test last night because I wanted to see if trigger was out yet and from what it looks like, it is. I had a very very light line after the time limit so I still count it as a negative. That is good! I am 10 days past trigger so that means any bfp I get should be real now. I am not sure if I will test before beta. One moment I want to, and the other I don't. I am taking the whole day off though since I have to go in the morning and then they will call me some time in the afternoon (there goes the knot in the tummy feeling again!). Aaron is also staying home with me. I figure we are going to either celebrate like crazy or I will have a break down, seriously.
I have been having very very vivid dreams for about 3 days now. The first one was a sex dream.... Weird, I know... then yesterday I don't remember what it was but I woke up thinking it was real. Today I woke up and I had dreamt about christmas and music. Weird, I know but it was so real. I also realized that I was thinking of "my twins" when I woke up. I woke up rubbing my belly even though I was still half asleep. I caught myself and thought, hm, how strange.
So since the transfer, Aaron has been so sweet and so devoted to me. I think seeing the 2 little ones on the screen gave him a sense of reality. I think he is very excited about it! He told his brother and shared how he might be a father. Every night before we go to sleep he says goodnight to my belly. He asks me everyday how the "chicos" are doing. I say "I don't know." He says" Growing?" I say, "hopefully." That is the routine now. So now I feel the pressure to make him happy too. I know he is hopeful and excited and I SO want to make him happy by being pregnant. I don't want to let him down, kwim?
So for the sake of me and their daddy, EMBIES: Please be growing inside of me!!! Please be attached really really tight in my womb.

So we put our Christmas tree up last night. It looks beautiful. I wanted to do traditional colors, red and green. I bought a gorgeous tree skirt last year in the ball the day after Christmas on sale! Its red and green so I went and bought some ornaments at Target. Surprisingly, there aren't many traditional green ornaments. I have plenty of red ones but I only have about 6 green ones on the tree. There is this trendy green going around that looks to pukey for me.
Hopefully, our cat, Toni is staying away from the tree. He was so excited to climb it and pull it that I went and bought a water gun so Aaron could shoot him everytime he got near it. He did and Toni took off leaving dust behind!!! Hopefully, he learned his lesson.
This weekend we are doing nothing. I don't have plans for tomorrow so I will probably just clean and lay around. We haven't done any Christmas shopping but Aaron likes to go with me so I will have to wait on him.

Well I guess that is some venting there... I feel a little better. :)