Infertility Etiquette... on Resolve website.


Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to super ovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubesCystsEndometriosisLow hormone levelsLow "normal form" sperm countLow progesterone levelLow sperm countLow sperm motilityThin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet) Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
By Vita Alligood

Today is my birthday. Although the "Happy Birthdays" are nice, I am not feeling very happy at all! Dh made me a "super" breakfast (what he calls it, he's so silly) consisting of 2 pancakes, 2 BIG fat sausage patties, 2 biscuits and 2 eggs! YOWZA! Super is right! I am trying to eat better so I ate one pancake and some of one of the patties. That was enough. I put the rest in the microwave as I was in a rush. He had also put out some roses (very pretty colors by the way) and 2 cards, one from him and one from the furbabies. He is silly!! He always does that. I think he got me something else (jewelry??) but am not to sure.
Now others might say "wow!" what a great birthday but honestly I am just feeling very down today. I felt like crying most of the day and when my mom called I broke down but she didn't hear me. I am just getting older although I know I am still young (28) but the years have been going by fast for me. Since I turned 25 the years some more like 6 months. Before I know it another year has passed. I am sure I will be 30 before I know it. It isn't the actual number that bothers me but more the number PLUS being childless. Again, I know I am still considered young (I don't want to be inconsiderate to ladies that are older than me) but my life is NOT the way I wanted and there is nothing I can do about it. Who cares about the plans I had? I actually thought I'd be working on my 2nd child by now.. I wanted to be done at 30 years old... *SCREAM* Its just sad that you can never repeat time. I can never be in my early 20's or mid 20's and now my late 20's. I just don't feel grown up all the way I guess but I KNOW that I am 28. Does that make sense? I guess to me a woman is a mother. I don't have the responsibility that most women my age have. I don't have the bond with Aaron that most marriages have once they have children so I sort of feel like an old teenager.
Whatever. Aaron planned dinner for me with all of my family tonight. It should be nice and I plan to cheat a bit tonight. I want some STEAK! YUM! Maybe I will drown my sorrow in some steak! hehe
When will this end??? When????????????????????

Guess I haven't had much to say but now that I think about it, lots has been going on.. sorta.

First of all, I got my pool! I ended up getting the inflattable huge one because I didn't want to bother with the sand and leveling but turns out, this pool will need it to. We put it up but its lopsidded. It will stay that way this year (still useable and still big) but Aaron says that next year he will put it up better. We will see... I haven't got in since Sunday so I am looking forward to it this weekend!

My sister is still here.. I believe she is leaving tomorrow. She had her u/s yesterday to which my mom went. My sister came over last night and showed me the picture. She said the baby was moving alot blah blah. I am sooo distant from her its not even funny. I tell Aaron I try but its no use. He gets mad because he says my sister is just inconsiderate with certain comments and doesn't think about others, only herself. I guess I can see his view but again, she is my sister and she feels she can come to me about her pregnancy. I just try not to get too involved and I when she talks I listen but not really. I feel bad for her because I am sure it hurts her but what can I do. I am avoiding all pg women, all babies... and my sister just happens to fall under that category.

So Mother's Day is coming up. Can I just say how much I HATE this holiday???? I am sure if I ever have children I will not feel so much rage against it and I hope that I can remember these times when I desperately wanted to have children and be SO greatful for the kids I have. Its just a funky day for me.. I usually spend it in bed bawling and Aaron tries to convince me to go to church which I would end up going except for last year.. This year, I am staying home for SURE again. I will think of my baby and how I was a mother, even for a short while. Actually I am still a mom as our baby is still and forever will be tattooed in my heart. But of course, nobody can see my baby and nobody will actually acknowledge me as a mother so I rather not face the world. The years before when we'd be at church I'd spend most of the time bawling in a back room anyway so who the hell cares if I do it at home. I am sure Aaron doesn't look forward to it either as he knows how I get. Again, it sucks!

On the ivf front I started provera up yesterday. I am 5 days behind from when I was supposed to start due to a lab set back but an extra week isn't going to kill me. I am eating better and have been trying to exercise when I can. I am back to my original weight when I started ivf#1. I had gained some weight during pregnancy (like 6 lbs) and had a hard time fitting into my favorite jeans for a looooong time. I finally fit back into them easily so now I am on to losing regular extra weight. I am hoping for 15-20lbs in the 2 months. I know its alot but I am going to try...
Thats it!

So the sister is still here. I have to admit that I feel guilty because I know that I am avoiding her, she knows it and I don't say anything about it. I also find myself being negative in the conversations I have with her about her situation (just got married in January but already wants a divorce... hmm, can I say I told you so??? Gosh, I could see this so clear back in November/Dec. when she announced she was marrying him) and her possible being a single mother. I also don't think its fair to my parents that once her husband gets deployed in October, she will come live with them and take the upstairs of their house (big master suite) once my OTHER sister moves out because she is getting married. My parents were going to finally be alone and now she is coming with a new baby and most likely my parents will pick up her slack. I still can't see my sister as a mom. She is very short tempered and impatient person. She is also very emotional and seems emotionally unstable at times. I truly feel sorry for my mother as I know she will be the most affected by this. I know my mom would do the same for me though so I know that my mom is in a situation where she is just being a mom herself. Its still not fair to me. Whether or not she gets divorced, this is the plan as she says she will not stay "home" by herself while her husband is away so she wants to come back...
Its all a very tangled mess that my sister got in and she tells me all the time that she wish she could wake up the day before they got hitched at the courthouse and undo it all... unfortunately she can't, well she can undo the marriage but not the child she is carrying. This guy has 2 other children with 2 other women and now my sister is the 3rd.. *sigh* I told her not to end up one of his baby's mommas!!! Ugh.. so ghetto I swear...

Anyway, ... see how negative I am??? I guess I feel so strong about it because not only does it hurt me personally to see my sister in such a mess PG, but also because I truly feel that my sisters life is going to change in a manner and that she has absolutely no clue. My sister was so independent, so proud, and I knew she was determined. She was in school and worked HARD working full time PLUS school full time (hasn't finished yet) and now it seems like it sort of all went to waste. Now I know I sound like I am a hateful future aunt but I am sure I will love this baby so much but it just sucks for my little sister. I know she imagined her life totally different then where she is now.
I tell her that everything will be okay but I know its going to be hard. I know that its going to stress my parents out and I know that my sister is going to suffer through it but in the end, she will make it.

As for me, I have b/w this Thursday to check my progesterone (HA! I don't EVER ovulate) just for kicks per RE and that way I can get my provera and start popping them. I guess he wants me to have regular af's and Lord knows that doesn't happen without the help of my old friend Pro(vera).
Once I get af then I will schedule my sonohysteragram since I asked RE if he could check out the old uterus for anything and everything. I am concerned with what it looks like after the d&c. I never showed any signs of infection so that is why we never did one but I just want peace of mind and he agreed to it so there.
Once that is done then I wait for af again and BAM. I start bcps all over again along with Lupron... Yeah, its not that far away!!! Yipeee!

This weekend Aaron, me and my friends daughter (Mailey) went to the circus. It was so much fun and and Mailey had an awesome time. It was her first circus (she will be 3 in May) and was so aware and alert at everything. She even rode a pony and was just cracking up! I see Aaron with her and it makes my heart flutter because he does so well with her. I sometimes like to imagine that she is ours and I know that when people see us 3 together (people who don't know us) they think we are a family. They look at us with such tenderness and a look of "awww". It's kind of funny but sweet because for a second I can pretend to have that family I dream of so much. I sometimes think that Aaron feels the same exact way. He treats her as if he was hers and in public I am sure they look my daddy and daughter. Its all bittersweet... I want him to carry our child like that and walk her like that and buy her popcorn and cotton candy like that.
Its funny to pretend but then the reality sets in and I want to scream out PLEASE LORD let us have our children that we long for. Please.
I have been telling myself how I will be a great mom. Aaron sees me with Mailey and he tells me all the time. It makes this girl feel GOOD let me tell you..
Now I need to get PG!!!!

The appt went well. I was very happy that Dr. Dunn brought up the whole thawing 2 verses thawing 4 thing that happened at transfer. He said that they both looked great and that he actually didn't think that both would make it but when they did and were actually growing/hatching, he didn't see a reason for us to thaw all 4. Basically he felt really confident with those 2 (hmm, that is GOOD don't get me wrong but what does that mean?? Was it my body that failed the embryos?) so thats all we transfered. He said, of course now it makes more sense to have transferred all that made it but who would have known that they wouldn't take? I understand and was so relieved he didn't try to tell make excuses or worse, not even bring it up and make me have to bring it up.
We went over several tests that I was wondering about. He doesn't feel the need that we need to do any further testing. I am going to get a fluid sonograph (I think thats what its called) because I want to double check my uterus for any abnormalities. I was reading that with an HSG, it isn't enough. Because of having a d&c, I just want to make sure there is no scarring, adhesions, fibroids, etc...
I will be doing bcp's and lupron in June and my transfer should be in the first 2 weeks of July!!! Woohoo!!! RE still feels confident in our ability to get PG so that always helps. I am terrified of having another loss but I can't let that fear stop me. What if this next one is the ONE???
I need to start my metformin and prenatals again. I took a break from all pills since my bfn. I needed it and I enjoyed it but now I am back in the game!!

I have been keeping myself busy lately. First, we have decided to buy an above ground pool this summer. I got all obsessed and have been researching like crazy between 2 pools we have our eyes on. I think I have made up my mind!
Then I was recently voted in to becoming the church secretary at my dads church. It's an honor that the members believe in me to handle ALOT of legal and confidential responsibility but I am also finding that OMG, I have alot of work to do. I have to update everything because so far nobody had been doing the job "correctly" according to all the information I am learning. I am also excited because I love to learn and love challenges. I am having to learn alot about the IRS, the State and the church. It's a bit overwhelming but I believe in myself. Plus, the pay that they offered isn't going to hurt either. ;)

My appt is on Monday. It has seemed way longer than 2 weeks since my bfn... My anger has died down a bit concerning the transfer (thawed 2 embryos when RE had agreed to thaw all 4 and transfer all that survived) but I plan bring it up. I read the book IVF: The ART of Making Babies front and back and learned alot. I am interested in further testing and plan to make a list of tests and procedures I might want to get done before my next ivf. Who knows, the RE might just blow my requests away but I am going in there confident and at least "acting" to be knowledgeable in what I have to say.
I also have my well woman that same day at 11am. I will be seeing a doc that a friend of mine recommended when I was PG so I decided I minus well get to know him now because *hopefully* he will be seeing alot of me after July. Hopefully I like him the way my friend claims I will.

My PG sister is visiting next week. Although I am glad to see her I am already feeling a little distant from her. I am scared of how I am going to react to actually have her there in person knowing that she is PG. I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings but at the same time I need to take care of myself. She is staying for about a week and a half and I am ashamed to say that I wish it wasn't that long. We had also made plans to go visit her and her dh in May for my b-day but instead I am getting a pool. I don't have any time left at work and will be taking alot of time off in June/July for ivf so I don't want to bother my boss for any more days off unless I have to. My sister was looking forward to it and actually so was I but now that she is PG I have about 3 excuses at hand to give to her as to why I am not going. I hate that I feel this way, I hate that I am even put in this situation and I am sure that if I ever have a healthy PG, I will regret this because I neglected my sister during a time that was special for her and a time that should had been special for us as sisters. Life is cruel.

The days are going by fast for me when I keep busy. I can't believe we are almost half way down April. June doesn't seem that far away to me so all I need to do is keep being busy. Before I know it, I will start shooting up again, doing the dildo cam again, all the torture of waiting again, etc. And maybe, hopefully getting PG again.

Easter weekend. Hmph! Well the break was nice. I slept in Friday for way toooo long. Aaron called me at lunch time (yes, 12pm!!!) and I woke up all freaked out. I cleaned some and then we headed to church.
On Saturday Aaron worked so my mom, my cousin, my friend's little girl and I went out for the afternoon. It was fun. My friends little girl ended up coming over and spending the night. She has been doing so alot lately. I don't mind at all. She will be 3 in May and she is just a joy. I love being around her and she makes me ache for a child so much more. I have been around her since she was in her mom's belly so we all have taken her in as our own. She makes the weekends easier on me emotionally (definately not physically :) ) and keeps my mind off of things. I think Aaron likes it too as I am not sitting at home all by myself being depressed.
Anyway, we went shopping on Saturday night with Aaron and we all got some nice Easter Sunday church clothes. I bought Mailey (the little girl) an Easter dress so on Sunday we all looked nice. We then went to dinner and just had a good time watching a movie and going to bed.
On Sunday we got up and got ready for church.
Once there we had to get our service ready and I just started to feel down. I don't know what it is about holidays but oh how they depress me. I started to cry and when I was practicing on stage (I sing back up at church) I just felt cold and stale. Aaron let me off and I went to the office and just cried. I sat there with no lights on and just cried. Aaron came in later and he just hugged me and then my little sister walked in (not the PG one) and hugged me. I told her why I was crying which was good for me as I am always trying to hide my feelings. I told her that I missed my baby and that I cry ALOT. I told her so she wouldn't freak out. She hugged me and then she told me some sweet things. She then decided to be funny and said she would be my baby and sat on my lap like a baby. Dummy!!! She did make me laugh though.
Overall, I made the effort not to breakdown anymore and to cheer up. It worked because I felt alot better afterwards.
I guess holidays are so revolved around kids that it feels like a slap in my face, a more than the usual slap in the face. I guess each Easter that passes is another year that I have been waiting for my turn to dress my little man or little girl in a suit or that puffy pastel dress. They are reminders of each depressing year that has passed by and I still have empty arms.
The next day I am SOOO dreading is my birthday. Blah. I know, usually birthdays are happy celebrations but not for me. I will be 28 years old. I feel my years are going by FAST. Since I turned 25 I SWEAR the years have gone by like days and before I know it I am heading towards my 30's. Fortunately, I am still considered pretty young in the fertility world but I can't help to notice that my plans for my life didn't go as expected. I thought I'd be having my 3rd and probably last child by now! HA!! Yeah, I wanted them pretty young, I just always pictured it that way.
I am holding on to the chance that maybe just maybe this is the last Easter with empty arms. *hopefully* If I got my bfp with ivf in June/July I'd be due in April. Yeah, I am thinking way ahead but it helps me to stay hopeful. Thats a nice thought!! Maybe next year around this time I will be giving birth or ready to give birth. Maybe I will have to buy that little suit or that puffy dress afterall. Hehe, that brings a smile to my face... Maybe, maybe, maybe... Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully...

AF is here today. I was worried because I had no signs of her coming but then I started to spot last night and definately no denying, she is here today.
I went home yesterday for half a day. I woke up at 4am with a fever and sick to my stomach. I tried to make it at work but at lunch time I decided there was no way I could sit here for the rest of the day so I left. I slept from 12:30pm until about 6pm! My temp was still the same (101) throughout the night until about 9pm when it finally dropped to 98.4. I slept again and woke up this morning feeling a bit off but SO much better than yesterday. I am off tomorrow for Good Friday so that is always a good thing!

This week has been rough on me. The bfn didn't sting me but now the after effects are here. It just makes losing the baby so much harder on me. I know I sound like a broken record but for some reason I just can't seem to move on. I still cry alot. I still ask why. I still think a thousand thoughts about what happened that day, what I did the day before, etc.. what I could have done. Its just a neverending road it seems. On Tuesday I was going to my parents house for lunch to pick something up and my dad was home. I had been crying driving over there and made myself stop but I got to my dads and he asked what was wrong. Of course, that made me start to cry all over and I ended up being there for about 40 minutes just bawling. The weird thing is that my dad really didn't say much. Sadly, I think he has run out of things to say and I think that even HE doesn't understand why I lost the baby. He doesn't have an answer and he doesn't pretend to. It actually made me feel better that he didn't say much. I just sat there crying.
I cry in the car alot. I cry when certain thoughts go through my mind. I just miss my baby so much and how I wish I could wake up and this all be a looong nightmare. I still can't believe I lost him and I still can't believe that I won't be having him. Then there are times where I can't believe that I was actually pregnant! I am telling you, I am going crazy!

Aaron and I decided that we are going to wait until June/July to start cycling again. That means bcp/Lupron in June and in July will be stims and ER/ET. It sounds like a long time away but I know it will go by fast plus I know its best. We both decided to try the south beach diet along with exercising more. Aaron is also starting his Fertility blend today. I just want to be healthier next time I get PG. If I was to get pg with multiples I want to do everything possible to have a healthy pg. We are both excited and feeling very motivated.
I think the break will also be good for me emotionally. As you read above, I need it. I am also debating whether or not to try accupuncture. I am still up in the air about it though.

Aaron keeps telling me we need to clear out the nursery room. He says we need to prepare and make steps of faith. I totally agree. I hate going in there though because it gives me this ache in the pit of my stomach because it feels so empty but at the same time I look around and try to picture it with a baby in the room along with furniture. I guess it all depends on my mood.

I will still be blogging here although I am not actively trying. I will come and vent because I am sure I will run into days that are unbearable or at least feel that way. I can also write about my progress with my lifestyle change! So until next time...

It's now official. BFFN. (yes I meant to put an extra "F"!) The funny thing was another nurse called and I could already tell by her "hello, Diana?" tone. She called as I was walking through a building here at work because I had to pick some paperwork for a coworker of mine so right when she announced the BFN she cut off... Then she cut back in. Then cut out. I had to tell her to repeat the funky news! I knew it was bfn but she didn't know I knew it was bfn so I am sure I made her a bit uncomfortable. There is no easy way of telling IF patients that their beta is negative. I felt bad for her!!

Anyway, I have a follow up on 4/16 to talk to the ol' doc. That gives me plenty of time to get all of my research done on testing and other options that we can possibly look at and bring it all to him. Until then, I guess here goes my hardcore healthy mode!!!

It felt like such a waste going into the lab this morning. I don't see the point when you already know. I guess its just to humiliate one even more. Ugh...
As I sat there I looked around. I can sort of tell when an infertile is in there. See, the clinic where I go is on the 4th floor ACROSS from OB/GYN so I see little bellies, HUGE bellies, weird bellies, round bellies, all kinds of bellies every single time I go there. You can't NOT run into them. I just roll my eyes as they passed me up today. True, who knows maybe they were once across the hall where I am but still... I don't know that!
Anyway, Aaron went with me and I told him I wasting blood. He then responded that blood makes regenerates itself (what the hell???). Um, okay. I meant, that I felt like this was a waste of time not to mention 3 hours of vacation taken from my job. Yes 3 hours because the clinic is about 45 minutes away from my house plus there was a line in the lab.
Anyway, I looked around and saw one lady who was older, maybe in her late 30's, I could tell she was in my clinic. Then another lady came in who looked over 40 who was also an infertile and I guess something went wrong because they had to call somebody on the phone (I am guessing her doctor or nurse) and she said very out loud too, "progesterone checked". Yeah, only a infertility patient would get that done unless of course she was PG but I don't think so. Then a foreign couple came in with an u/s pic of their baby. She wasn't showing or anything but I recognized the little card they put those u/s pics in. They gave me some when I was PG. Maybe she went through infertility. I know mine said "Fertility Specialist" on the top. I couldn't tell what hers said though... Then another girl comes in... That one was tricky. I couldn't tell. She looked like a mom but then again could be an infertile. Then of course, I thought I would escape them but nope, here came a "mommy" with her little toddler. I swear they need to seperate us because I was in such a lousy mood I wanted to be FAR AWAY from children/babies/PG women, etc.. Anything that reminded me of what I am missing!!!
Well the good part is the needle didn't hurt. Once I got to the back I was out of there in 2 minutes. Aaron and I rushed home and I made it to work...

I told Aaron that I am SOO looking forward to NOT seeing that damn building for a loooong time. When I first walked in there I was so hopeful, so excited. I was so naive too. Now its all a bad reminder of losing my baby, where I should be in my PG, how I would be across the hall now, how my body failed to get pg again and of course all the shots, the u/s, and the b/w. So now I am not so excited or hopeful when I walk in, its more of a stab in gut feeling. So yes, I will be looking forward to not seeing any of those pg women, and the clinic for a while... No more shots, no more pills, no more stress, no more waiting on phones calls... Just living life the way it is and letting my mind get back on track. Letting my body heal and my heart heal fully from losing our baby. That actually excites me, who would have thought?

BFNs SUCK BIG DONKEY BALLS!!!! I know that is pretty nasty to say but that is my favorite saying when it comes to bfns. I tested again last night and sure enough...bfn! Argh! Yeah, I am pretty sure I am out.
I am okay under the circumstances. They were more rough to see in the beginning and as more bfn's showed up, I got used to them so I don't get upset. But I am starting to feel stressed out about my next ivf cycle. Its been bringing me to tears every night while waiting to go to sleep. I guess its the not knowing what is going to happen and if it doesn't happen then what am I going to do next. I know I made plans but still it is all scary. I do have my pregnancy on my side because I did end up pg and in my very first cycle so that is good. But that doesn't mean squat (to me) because here I sit with a bfn in my hands after "you couldn't ask for more" embryos that we transfered 10 days ago. I need to learn (I think I have) that a baby is not guaranteed in all of this. I mean, try, try your hardest but its still not guaranteed. My next fresh cycle could very well end up a bfn and that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be that woman that did 5 ivf cycles and still ended up with nothing, nobody does! I was thinking yesterday though, positive thoughts for a change! I am young. I totally have that on my side. I will be 28 in May and although I am getting in my thirties soon that is still considered "young" in the ivf world.
I am also a good responder to meds. My body probably feels deprived since it never ovulates on its own so when it gets some meds it pretty much goes way beyond great expectations. That is excellent in ivf!
I have other things on my side so that makes me feel a bit safer. But again, baby not guaranteed. I will be okay though. I am excited to do ivf again. I mean, when I think about all the shots, all the appts, all the u/s, all the b/w, all the ovary pain, yeah, not too excited there but when I think of the possibility of ending up pg again, that excites the hell out of me!!!
So the plan is tomorrow is beta. I think I get a follow up with RE about what went wrong this cycle... I plan to bring up the issue of why he only put 2 of the frosties in when we had clearly agreed to all that made it through thaw, whether it was 1 or 4. I am still a bit confused about that and I want some answers. Once that is settled I will let him know I want to take a break of at least one cycle. I think that will be enough but I might end up changing my mind and extending it to 2 cycles. I plan to hit the healthy lifestyle hardcore and start exercising again. I want to lose some weight before I cycle again. I feel a little pudgier since being pg and feel that I am not back to normal so I am trying to lose that plus extra. I want to go into this next ivf in a good mood feeling good about myself and my chances. I ordered a book called "The Art of Making Babies" about ivf and plan to read it front to back to see if I could be doing anything more to improve my chances.

It would have been so nice to get a bfp this cycle but its okay. I will live.

7dp6dt...

My beta is this Friday. At least this can end whether in a good way or bad but it will end. I am still holding on hope that a line might appear but for now I am staying away from the hpts. I have one more and I am saving it for at least tomorrow or Wednesday. There isn't any amount of hpts I can buy to make a line magically appear. I minus well wait until I feel for sure that its a bfn.

I had a good day yesterday. We were at church and my mood was good. I guess the shock of the bfn has worn off so I kind of have come to terms with it. I find that it's easier this way.
I go through moods like underwear. One moment I feel doomed, that I will never be a mom, I hate my life, I wonder if I was with somebody else would I be pg by now (with Aaron's male factor this does cross my mind although I feel guilty about this because I love him SOO much and I WANT to have a baby with HIM), etc... Crazy! Then there are days where I am so positive, I know I will be a mother, I know that I will be PG, I know that one of these darn IVFs HAS to work for us, etc... Its funny but sad too.
Well yesterday was a good day and I even went as far as daydreaming. I was in church sitting in the sound booth (I am usually on stage singing but Aaron took me off during the 2ww... he said its too loud up there! lol... Hey, we are playing it on the safe side this time) with a newborn son (don't know why its a son but thats what came to my mind). He was beautiful and I looked at him in awe and I was telling myself that he was really mine. He had a blue blanket around him. I then kind of woke up and put my faith into action (I am really surprised I still know what faith is!) and said I believe I will have a child. I am telling myself that even when I don't feel like it.. Well that was at the beginning of service.
So then I went back to my class where I teach the kids there at church. I have all the school age kids. We were having class and a church member's mom who was visiting came and asked to speak to me. I went out to the hall and she said she just felt to pray for me. I said "okay". She did and prayed for my womb specifically. Now usually, I don't like people praying for me like that because I don't like to get my hopes up (like hey,they just prayed for me and I felt something... I should end up PG soon!), I get embarrased and I don't like telling people about our infertility. But heck, by now I am willing to try whatever.
Come to find out, my mom preached last night (my parents are pastors) and she was teaching about faith. I wasn't out there but Aaron told me. She said that she talked about me. She said she is believing in "something" with all of her heart. He says that for a while she didn't say what that "something" was. But in the end she revealed that it was for our child. She talked about how she doesn't understand why we have had the struggles we have had (me and Aaron). Why some women get PG who obviously don't deserve it (druggies, etc) and then someone who has been desiring it and pleading God about it can't. Someone who has been faithful, someone who lives a "good life", someone who is soo good with kids. She talked about the loss of my baby. She didn't understand why it all happened. But she said that she felt that she needed to have faith. She said how I (me) might not have faith all the time but she will hold me up with her faith.
It really touched me and believe me if this was 6 months ago I would be PISSED because I am embarrased of our infertility. But when I got PG I told the WHOLE church about IVF because I wanted to share how wanted this baby was, how far we had to go get him/her and how God provided us with that insurance. I felt I needed to testify (again, this is from somebody who NEVER spoke of our infertility to nobody in church) and be open with everybody. It felt good and people responded by supporting us and I feel that they all knew just how special that baby was to us. We had ALOT of support from people when we lost the baby. We had alot of prayer and encourement and for a bit I did regret opening my big mouth about IVF/infertility because I felt stupid. But then I realized, hey I believed, I was happy, I wanted the world to know what God did in my life so I told.
So now EVERYBODY knows about our infertility. :)
Thats why I am not mad at my mom. Hey, I figure, after that don't you think people will really pray for us and prayers cannot hurt, I am sure.
So Aaron said she spoke very nice and he felt fine about it. She went on to tell the congregation that she is going to start putting her faith into effect. She said she is going to start buying the baby stuff. She told them that yesterday she went and bought him/her first gift. Its a really really nice vibrating chair thing (don't know what they are called!) . She gave it to me after church and I proudly have it in my living room.
I know this may sound weird to some but it really helps me to think of all the support and prayers I have through all this. It helps that people are believing for me because Lord knows, (read about my "bad" days above) that I don't always have that faith I should have. It really touched me that my mom went that far and to hear that it is effecting her that much even makes me feel better.

The whole deal with my sister was a shock to me. I still am but I am actually excited to see what her baby is going to look like. The bad thing is that her dh is getting deployed to Iraq in October and she is due at the end of November. She will be moving here after he leaves. I am sad for her but I know that it will all be okay. So the baby will be born here and I will get to spend time with her and the baby. I am excited about that.
I was talking to Aaron and he brought up a good point. He said that he was thinking of all this with my sister and he said it actually brought relief to him. He said that with her having the first grandchild, he now feels relief and not so pressured. When he said that I totally agreed. I mean, it wasn't a race to begin with but my parents have been wanting a grandbaby for a long time. I shouldn't feel this way, but I felt guilty because I couldn't give them that. Now my sister is having the first therefore I don't feel guilty anymore. I mean, I still think I should had had the first baby but what can I do about it? Nothing. I then told him that I realize that our baby is going to be special whether it's the 1st or the 4th grandbaby because of the wait we all had to endure. We all were waiting and waiting. We all were anticipating the arrival of this baby for so long that when he/she finally comes, just his/ her existence will be special. Of course my sis' baby takes the race but its okay. Mine will be special and loved even though he wasn't first.
So yeah, I feel the pressure off and now there's just more waiting to be done.

Anyway, this was pretty deep so discuss among yourselves! :)

BFNs SUCK!!!! Well at least I am getting it out of my system eh? If this is really negative, at least I already had a taste of negative hpts... I don't want to wake up on 14 dpo feeling PG and then get hit with a blank white test. I rather let it sink in early...

I am NOT giving up yet though!! I still believe in my babies and still believe that they have a chance. Everytime I pass them up on the fridge (pic from RE) I kiss them and tell them to hang in there. I pat my belly and tell them to please stick around. Aaron is still believing so we haven't gave in to the negative yet. I am still early on in the game and this can still very much end up being a pregnancy cycle.

So my sister called me today. I haven't called her and I thought about it today but decided not to. I didn't want to stress out. I felt a bit guilty for avoiding her. Well she called and I almost didn't pick it up but I did. She asked how I was doing and how I felt. I told her I am just stressed. She then went on to tell me how she felt bad. She said that this baby should have went to me and not her. She said she felt God had messed up somewhere as I have been waiting for years. She said that she honestly thought she'd have trouble conceiving (I also had a feeling that she would) but obviously she doesn't. She said that she doesn't regret her pregnancy but if she could, she wished it would had been me and not her right now. She said it was MY time. Even her husband asked her if I was going to be upset about their PG. I thought it was sweet and of course I was crying. I told her I wasn't mad at her but that it's more of a why not me. I told her I felt that this was going to be negative but she says she has a good feeling about it. She also had a good feeling with my ivf so we will see. I told her I would love to be PG along with her. It would be fun! But yeah, it was nice of her. She told me that she had been thinking of me and that she put herself in my shoes.
It made me feel good and it took that jealousy away. I mean, I do wish I could be PG now but if I am not I will just have to accept this. There is no way I could stop talking to my sister so I just have to find a way to deal with it all. It sounds like she understands though.

Its been a rough road and unfortunately we still haven't came to the end. Only God knows when I will finally hold my children in my arms. I wish I could just wake up to that EXACT date. I want to feel normal and just be a woman, a mom. I want to forget this nightmare of waiting and crying and trying. I want to be picking out colors for the nursery, picking out furniture. Going to pedi appts. Going to the park, etc. I am just tired of waiting.
I told my sister to not take that baby for granted. She knows I would do ANYTHING to have what she has right now. She said she doesn't and she sees.

Hopefully I have some good news. Funny thing is if I am PG, I am already.. I just don't know it. The beans would be in there just getting comfy'er. If I am not, then I am not.. no matter how many tests I take. I guess its just waiting game now.

I slipped! I tested AGAIN and got a bfn. *sigh* I KNOW its early, I know but I am feeling that this cycle just didn't work. I don't know if it's just my fear talking but that's what I feel inside. I knew my ivf would work and it did, so with this one, I feel it didn't. I mean, sometimes I feel YES, it did work but not to often.

Of course I started crying and I hated to have to do that PIO shot. I had HUGE tears running down my face as Aaron stuck me with that stupid needle. It sucks you have to do so much and are not guaranteed anything. Aaron says to keep going, he says its too early, we could be PG... blah blah. I know but it still depresses me!!!

I am giving up on testing. Everytime I say I won't test I do, then get a bfn, then it ruins my whole day. Sooo I will test again after this weekend. I am tired and just want to relax and not think about this. (like who couldn't?)

I am still cramping pretty bad and my boobs actually started to hurt today. I am not sure if thats the progesterone kicking in or not but it did get me a little excited...that is until I saw that nasty EPT.

So I was thinking of what I was going to do if this doesn't work out and I came up with a plan. It made me feel good and hopeful so I need to focus on that. There is a back up plan and IVF has worked for us so I can't give up just because an FET didn't. (if it didn't) So I plan to do another fresh IVF cycle in the summer probably around June-July. I want to start all over. I know I have those 2 frozen ones but I don't want to do another FET. So I will do IVF in the summer. Hopefully it works! If not then I will definately take a looooong break and then comeback in a shared risk program. I would get 3 tries at IVF and 3 FETs for about $20K (after this FET and another ivf insurance is gone). If I don't come home with baby I get $17K back. Thats a pretty good deal! If you get PG the first cycle and have the baby, you will pay more in the end as one IVF cycle is around $10K but who cares as long as I have a baby! Aaron agreed so that gives me something to look forward to if this doesn't all work out. Lets hope that I don't have to go that far but let's also have a back up plan.

You know, getting these bfn's are starting to piss me off towards my RE. I TOLD him I wanted all babies that made it through thaw inside of me and HE decided to just do 2. Now, I can understand why, the babies looked good and he probably thought I had a pretty good chance. Also I am sure he doesn't want me to get PG with multiples as that is dangerous and there is not an option of selective reduction for us but still. I guess we don't know and neither does he if this worked with the 2 they put in me... But you know, I will always wonder "what if"...

Well back to waiting......

4dp6dt today! 10 dpo...

I am feeling down. I tested last night and got a bfn on 2 different tests. Now I know its still way early but since I tested positive last time in the same time frame, it has me feeling negative. I am trying to explain to myself how I read that frozen babies take a little while longer to show up on hpt's and how the babies had only been in my 3 days yesterday verses 4 days during my ivf cycle. So THAT could had made a difference.
I did have me some crying spells and this morning I woke up crying. Right now I am crying. I spoke to my mom and she was asking me how I felt. She just "knows" that I am PG. I know she is speaking in faith and I do believe but reality then sets in and tells me that I could NOT be PG. I mean its either I am or not. She was really encouraging me and I broke down over the phone. I opened up to her about my sister and how I feel it's going to be hard on me if I don't end up PG. She understood but really encouraged me and told me that she feels we will both be PG with our big bellies and everything will be fine. That would be beautiful to me to share this with my sister and all but will be the total opposite if I am the bitter infertile while she is the fertile mertile. KWIM? She told me not to think that way and to keep positive. I swear, I am trying!!!
I don't want to test tonight (for real, I don't) because I don't want to see another bfn. They are so ugly. Aaron says for me to test tomorrow which I will. I have one more test left and am saving it for tomorrow while I am at home all by myself. Testing early and getting bfns are screwing up my days so I minus well wait and let some time pass. Tomorrow will be 11 dpo and that is still early but I really hope that I can get at least a light positive.

Just wanted to check in... Now the days are going S L O W!!!! I wish they would hurry up! Today I am 3dp6dt or 9 dpo. This is when I got my bfp last time. I am thinking of testing tonight since I tested yesterday (WAY TOOO SOON!) and am curious to see if it will be the same as last time. Probably not since I heard FET's take a little longer for hcg to show up. We will see... I will post about it if I do. Oh and yes, yesterday's test was totally bfn.. But I knew it would be so it didn't hurt too much.
I wanted to come in a write what I have been physically feeling because I tried to look back in my 1ww after ivf#1 and I didn't journal my symptoms. They would help LOTS right now to compare notes... Oh well. I thought I would THIS cycle just for the heck of it.

So far, I have had cramping! Lots of it. I think that I had some before transfer though but they get pretty intense now. Today they seemed a little more calm but the last 2 days I would get some pretty bad ones. I also had some weird sensations in the belly and I had the stretching pain once. I got up real quick from my chair and I felt like a ligament pulling in my belly. I do remember this last time ( :) ) . I have been feeling dizzy but that could be from my meds. My boobs do not hurt but I am really not worried that as last time the boobs hurt WAY before we even fertilized so I knew it was from the stims before retrieval. So when I found out I was PG, I never counted the boobs to be part of the symptoms.
I am not too tired but I do feel drained sometimes. I have been feeling nauseated at times but nothing not too extreme and pretty much could be in my head.
I am not looking to much into these "symptoms" as it's too early. I just thought it would be fun to journal them just in case I am PG.

The thing with my sister is doing okay. I had my crying spells yesterday and last night I cried myself to sleep. I woke up feeling better though. There isn't much I can do about it. It does bug me that she is calling ME to tell me her symptoms and how she feels. I know I am her sister and I WANT to be there for her but its hard right now. I am in a VERY stressful 1ww PLUS I just lost a baby NOT that long ago so most of the time I pull the phone away from my ear that way I don't say anything rude. I have thought about telling her NOT to call me to tell my her symptoms and all that crap but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is calling ME becauase she obviously feels comfortable talking to me about it so that makes me feel guilty. Oh well.
I found out her due date is 11-22. Mine would be 12-3. How funny! NOT!

Life is so funny sometimes. It's cruel and doesn't care whether or not certain events will kill you or knock you down. It doesn't care. It just happens. Days just go by and we are just watching the show of our lives. Sometimes we live the show but sometimes I think we just watch the show... maybe so that we don't get hurt.

My little sister who just got married in January (YES, of this year!) just called to announce she is PG. I am in shock and am actually a bit disgusted. I would never tell her this of course but that's how I feel. She is 24 and he is 29. He has had 2 kids from 2 different women and in the little time that they have been married, they have split up, fought, he kicked her out of the apt, etc. Just a mess so far!! She calls me all the time about how unhappy she is and how she thinks they had made a mistake. I try to give her advice and encourage her.
I always did warn her about getting PG. She has always been irregular but still.. you just never know. I told her to be careful. They weren't even sure if they were going to be together and here they are with a bun in oven. Of course she had no clue she was even PG and found out at the docs office after a UTI.
I am in shock and don't even know what to say. I try to play it cool but I of course I am HEATED. Life is just so unfair. It's just cruel. It doesn't care who it hurts.
My sister is the last person I imagine as a mom. I am sure that will change though once she has her baby but it's just so weird to imagine her in that way.
Oh God, I just can't believe this. I wanted to give my parents the first grandchild and have been working damn hard to do so. All she had to do was have sex. This is just great.

I stayed up last night just laying there wide eyed in the dark. I am very positive after our transfer and seeing our babies but it still can very much be negative, kwim?? It scares me but I don't stay there... I keep thinking that I AM pregnant and can't wait to see those 2 lines. I sure hope I am right. The only thing is that during my fresh ivf cycle, I had the sore boobs way before egg RETRIEVAL.. I imagine it was all the hormones in my body, so I never took it as a sign of PG because it had always been there way before the embies were even transferred. My prog was a little low too (compared to other PG women) coming in at 24 and 25 when I was PG so not too sure what that was about. I guess if my boobs start to hurt that is a good sign. I was reading that once the blasts have hatched from its shells they are ready to implant and WILL within 24 hours!!! That means mine should had already implanted! Yikes!!! Thats crazy.

Its kind of weird starting at 6 dpo from the get go... That means the babies implant and then they start to make hcg a couple of days after implantation (am I right?) and then the symptoms begin...
Last PG I had no symptoms besides being sleepy so its going to be hard to detect... Hopefully I get full blast m/s and full blast sore boobs in a couple of days.. hehe

I slept good when I finally went to sleep. He rubbed my tummy and prayed for our little babies last night too. He has been kissing my belly and cleaning for me. He tells me to sit down since I am on couch rest... hehe Too cute!!!

My beta isn't until a week from Friday. I will definately be testing before that.. probably this weekend. WOW! I can't wait.

WOW!!! Where can I begin?? It was as good as it could get! We got there and apparently MY nurse had messed up the times.. I wasn't supposed to be there until 1:30 but my paperwork clearly read 12pm. I was ticked but once we got back there it was all good.
I got in my sexy nighty (hehe... gown) and my hat and my slippers.. Aaron put on his gown and hat too. I told him hopefully next time I see him in a gown will be when we are in labor. :)
So the nurse comes in to answer questions, etc. I am ready to go!! Dr. Dunn gets there and he comes in and says we have 2 (immediately my heart sank because I thought only 2 out of our 4 made it). CHANGE OF PLAN! They thawed one straw first to see how they would do (we had 2 straws with 2 embryos in each). Our first straw with the 2 babies did PERFECTLY. They were growing just how they should and one had even hatched from its shell ready to implant somewhere... The 2nd one was just a bit behind but catching up. We got our pic and they looked beautiful. You can see the one's shell and the other starting to hatch... Well between taking the picture and the actual transfer the 2nd one had hatched from its shell too!!! Little sneaky baby! So they were ready to be inside of mama ASAP! The doc and nurse were so happy for us and said we couldn't have asked for anything better in a transfer. He said at my age, the 2 perfect blasts was good. If they would have seen them low quality or slow at growing they would had put all 4, so that makes me feel really good.
I am sooooooooooo happy! I can't believe out of 2 frozen BOTH made it through thaw! Alot of times only one makes it so we are thrilled. Now onto the horrible 2ww but for some reason I am more excited then nervous now....

Just wanted to check in again before tomorrow. Its now less than 24 hours away and I am just so excited. My weekend ended up being busier than I thought so I can't believe that it's over that fast.
I feel good and optimistic. I feel like everything is going to be okay with my embies and that they will thaw perfectly. I get scared of thinking that this could be it because I don't want to be wrong but I have to just believe. I pray that I am NOT wrong but that this is it for me and Aaron. That we will finally have children of our own and that this was the purpose of that awesome insurance we got last year (even though we don't have it anymore, it still was able to give us these 4 embies!!). That it was all predestined. God is with me and I just ask Him to help me get through this no matter the outcome.
Aaron is excited. He said he was thinking about it alot this weekend. We are just hoping it works, you know? We don't want the disappointment of a BFN and of course we don't ever want to lose a baby again so thats where we are at. We are holding on together and just hoping for the best out of this FET.

I will update when I can!!!

Happy Friday!! I can't believe this week is gone! I have been keeping really busy here at work. I had tons of filing to do and tons of shredding. I caught up and finally I am done. My work area looks nice and clean. I can hardly recognize it! Being out 2 days next week will be much more easier and stress free without work waiting on me.

So now I am only about 2 days away from the transfer. I am nervous but still not too much. I guess once the weekend starts ending it will seem more real. I prayed very specifically today about the whole process and it made me feel better and more relaxed.

I am trying to decide what to do when I am at home on Monday and Tuesday. Hmm, maybe rent some movies?? We don't have a tv in our room so I will actually be layed out on the couch the whole time. I just seem to not be able to lay there too long as I get bored but I will try my hardest to be lazy! ;)

Aaron has been very sweet. He has been giving me massages since I told him I was really stressed and tense. He also surprised me with some flowers yesterday! He brought them himself to my office and they are soooooooooooo pretty. They are 6 pink Tulips!! They are beautiful to look at and I will take a pic later for the scrapbook (which I need to start on!). He said they were just to cheer me up. How sweet! I had them here at the office but I am taking them home with me so I can look at them all weekend.

Aaron and I were talking last night. We just talked about our concerns, our hopes, etc. It sounds like we are on the same page which always helps, right? Aaron is really optimistic and full of faith AGAIN and that helps me tremendously. I am feeling pretty positive too.

Soooo I decided to test before beta (WHO CAN WAIT UNTIL BETA???) and I am thinking of testing next weekend, probably Friday night just in case, God forbid, it's a bfn, I can have the whole weekend to sulk. I don't know when my beta will be as I will call to make that appt after transfer. I think its 10-14 days AFTER transfer so that is the week of the 26th... Too long for me to wait either way! I have heard that during FETs, the hcg starts off slower than a fresh cycle positive beta... So I don't want to test too early like I did last time. Hmm, just looked at the calendar and Friday is only 10 dpo... That is too early. Maybe I will wait for Saturday at least!! My moms' birthday is the Monday after my transfer so I am praying I have a little extra gift to give her that day. Pray that I do, please!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! Okay, just felt like screaming! I am sooo excited!! :)

I'm back!!!! It went well. The good news is my lining was at 9!! They wanted it at 7 so mine is good and I still have 6 days for it to grow even more!!! I got my instructions and am set! My transfer is on Monday at 12pm. LUNCH TIME...

As I was sitting there I had flashbacks. The clinic used to give me hope but now I think of that day when we found out our baby had died. I waited in the same room today that I waited that day. Thank God I didn't have my u/s in the same room but I passed it up and it made me get a huge lump in my throat. Now the clinic gives me a stomach ache and just a sick feeling. I am hoping that soon I will be going across the hall from my clinic- the ob/gyn. It's kind of weird that they have it set up that way but whatever. I see biggo pregnant ladies go to the left while I go to the right- Fertility Center. It sucks! One day, I want to go the left. I will one day.

I hate thinking about how far I would have been. I would be around 18-20 weeks!!! I don't remember exactly but I know it's around that time frame. I would have my belly by now. :(
I would be finding out the sex of the baby (BOY!) and beginning to buy furniture. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe just maybe I will be doing that... say around... July?? I sure hope so.

Yipeee! We are one week away as of today. Wow, time has gone by FAST. As I look at the hours of the day, yes, they seem to drag on but when I see that weeks or days have gone by, it seems FAST. I remember just taking my provera pills the other day?

Tomorrow is my u/s. I am a little nervous but I am sure it will go good. All it is is a quick check of my lining to make sure its thick enough. I believe my clinic wants it over 8mm. During IVF, it got to the point of 13mm towards the end! Hopefully the Estrace tablets did their job right? I am not sure if I get to see the nurse or not... I guess so since she could give me my results right then and there.

The days are going fast (I already said that!) and my actual transfer is creeping up. Yes, I am excited, VERY excited! But I am also terrified. I had a breakdown last night. I think its the first one so far so that is good. It's all overwhelming and now with a miscarriage under my belt, it's even more scarier then when I was doing my fresh cycle. So many things can go wrong and I am totally aware of it now more than ever. But what can I do? I told Aaron that I just have to do it. I can't let my fear stop me. Even if it's a bfn, at least I tried right? I could just sit around and let my embies chill in the lab but what good will that do? It's not like me and Aaron could get pg naturally so why waste time?? I am turning 28 in May. I hate that I am getting older and I have no kids. That was not the plan. I hate feeling left out when women get together. Usually kids always comes up in the conversation and most likely is the focus of the conversation. I have nothing to contribute. Nothing. I don't have any stories, no experiences, no input.
We went to a party on Saturday night and my cousin and a girl I just met (both in early 30s) were talking and of course like always, the conversation shifted to schools and more crap about their kids. I literally walked out and went outside to hang out with Aaron which was with the guys. Or I hang out with the teens who I get along with great! I hate feeling like I am alone. There aren't many women like me- infertile. They are around but usually we know WAY more fertiles then infertiles, am I right?
It just sucks and like I told Aaron, I am ready for this journey to END. I want closure!!

10 more days to go!!! It's creeping up and although time has gone by fast, I wish it would go by a little faster. I am feeling anxious and excited. I am thinking about my embies alot and how I love them all. I know the reality is that not all may survive and not all may implant (hopefully at least one) but I still feel a bond with them as they are part of Aaron and I. It's funny because I ask Aaron what are babies are doing in the lab and he says they are chillin!! Haha
I say that they are anxiously waiting for us and hope that we can go get them soon.

I have been praying and really talking to God in my head lately. I can't help it. I sure hope He doesn't get tired of me asking! If He does, all He has to do is give me my baby and I won't ask anymore.. Simple as that!

Tomorrow we have a b-day party so that should make the time go by faster. Tuesday is my u/s and I am praying that my cushion is fluffy enough. I haven't had a problem yet when it comes to responding to all the medications I have been on so I am not really worried. That thought just crosses my mind though every now and then.

I feel a bit hormonal lately and the sex drive is gone. Hmm? I wonder if that's from the Estrace?? It has to be. On Wednesday I start progesterone shots (YIPPEEE! not) along with another medication that aids implantation.

Man, I am excited!!! And man, I hope I get PG!!!

Happy Monday! The weekend went by fast. I feel a little tired but I only have 3 hours to go.

I started 2 pills of Estrace today. They aren't bad at all as they are itty bitty but its remembering all my meds. I need to take folic acid. I take one 1 pill from my presribed ones then I take an extra 1200mg of the over the counter kind. I read that while taking metformin you should take extra folic acid as some of it won't absorb.
Then I am taking Metformin (pcos). I take 2000mg of this a day. That is 4 pills. I break them up into taking 2 pills at 2pm and the other 2 at night time. Now I am doing the Estrace too. I was doing the one at noon and now I will be adding one in the evening. And last but not least the baby aspirin. Forunately, I only take one of these a day so I usually take it at night too. Soon I will add the progesterone in oil injections too!!!

This weekend we went to a concert. I bought Aaron some tickets (for Valentines) to the Israel Houghton live recording concert in Humble, Tx. He used to direct Praise and Worship at Lakewood church. Anyway, he is awesome and sings gospel-contemporary type of music. He sang alot and then did a little message at the end. He said that he needed to tell somebody that they need to believe. That they need to believe even if its a miracle. He said "even if your dream has been shattered, even if it seems impossible, I am telling you, you need to believe AGAIN." He said not to let your dreams die and even told the audience to put their hand on their heart and say it.. "I believe".
I didn't want to get emotional but heck, the lights were off, it was me and Aaron and I simply needed it. I felt hot heavy tears down my cheeks and I was just crying and crying. I seriously felt God was talking to ME especially when he said to believe AGAIN. I needed to hear that. I walked out of there a new person and felt my faith come back just a little. Today, I felt good. I believe again. Dh thinks its funny that I bought him the tickets but I am the one that ended up enjoying it more. :)

I am looking at my calander today and transfer is 2 weeks away exactly!!!!!! I had a dream on Saturday night that it was transfer day and I was on the bed and I asked Dr. Dunn how many made it. He told me 3 and that we were transferring them. I woke up after that with a smile on my face. I hope its true. How crazy would it be if all made it??????? 8) Crazy!!!

We got some good news today. Aaron's tests came back NORMAL!!! He had a chromosome analysis and a Y chromosome microdeletion test. As you can imagine, we are both soo happy and this totally relaxes me for our upcoming FET. Its good to know for the future.
So with my test being normal (chromosome analysis) and his being normal, the baby must had either had a fluke problem (chromosome but not passed by either of us) or was just bad luck.

Regarding our frozen embies, I must admit this boosts up my confidence 100%. Okay, now the 19th can't get here soon enough!

The 'ole witch is here!! CD#1 for me, baby!!!! I just called Honey to go over my protocol. I am finally excited!!!!!!!! This is the start to something new and hopefully something WONDERFUL. I am ready to give my little embies a home. I just pray that everything from now on goes smoothly.

I was talking to Aaron last night because I have been having doubts about FET this cycle. Not because of negative thoughts but because my sister is getting married in December. The eighth to be exact. I am feeling bad in case I do become PG because I don't want to miss her wedding of course. I don't care to be big and fat. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't miss her wedding for that. Aaron says to DO IT. He wants to have a baby THIS year 2007, even if they come on Christmas. So we are going for it!!! I wouldn't be due until around Christmas time anyways but still... its a chance to take but Aaron and I are both wanting this baby THIS year!!!!! I am sure everything will work itself out.

I am popping my last pill tonight! YIKES. I can't believe I will be starting the meds back up this week. It seems surreal. I am ready though!! I have been walking again and actually did some running. We are going again tonight. I have been eating alot of protein and drinking lots of water. I just want to feel healthier in general. Have I mentioned that I am excited and scared??? :)

I forgot to mention that I had a dream the other night about doing another fresh ivf cycle. I was in the OR with the RE (who wasn't my RE, it was a woman I had never seen) and she was sitting in front of me. I guess I had had my retrieval already. Well she goes on to tell me she had gotten 3,000 eggs (huh????) . I responded "isn't that bad?" She said "we will see." Then I woke up. Imagine 3000 eggs????? LORD!!

Crazy... I guess thats just me being stressed already. I told my mom how I had been feeling and of course I got a lecture of how I need to be positive blah blah blah. It felt good to just say how miserable and sad I am though. At least I know I have extra prayers coming my way, right?

The fertiles... Well my bestfriend just called me to tell me she is pg. Yup. They tried 3 weeks ago and they are now expecting. They have 2 other kids that are 8 and 5 so this is number 3. I can't believe it worked that fast!!!!!! She was just going on and on about it and finally she let me go and then she called me back and I didn't answer. I know she can't help it but come on, I just told her about my m/c about a month ago and I told her we had to do ivf too. I came out to her about everything!! Why couldn't she just be a little more sensitive? It stings bad right now...

I had a talk with my boss this morning. Sometimes we get to talking and even though I am not close to her, I can tell her almost anything about this whole ivf. Its weird, but I can open up MORE to people that I am not as close to... I guess because I don't have to see her everyday its easier plus she listens and she gives good advice.
I shared how scared I am. I feeling very negative (mentioned this before) and thoughts have started to rise. I wonder if I should do this FET now, I wonder if maybe I should wait a little longer. Dr. Dunn was perfectly fine with it so if he is and he is the expert, then I guess I am too. Aaron wants to move on and so do I but I don't know at times. I do remember feeling this way before my IVF cycle too so I guess its part of the package. I remember right before doing my first shot I started to think about not starting. So again, its the same I feel now.
I am not as scared to miscarry again. I mean, I am but I am hoping that Aaron's results come in normal and if so, then I don't think I will worry about it too much. Of course, if I end up PG I will be terrified before every appt especially around the time we lost our baby- 8 weeks. Okay! I take it back! Now that I think about it, I will be terrified if I get pg again!!!... But what I really am scared of is seeing a negative. I might take it really really hard because of the miscarriage. It will probably bring it back up.
The fears have me pinned down but I am trying to just get back in it. I started to exercise again and am trying to be more positive by telling myself it will work. I am trying to pray again. I haven't been because I am angry but I will start. I am also looking at my calander and have all my known appts and events on it. It helps me to count down the days until the next big thing. My transfer is less than a month away!!! I need to focus my thoughts on those 4 little embryos. My boss said that I should think about that when the negative thoughts come my way. She said that they want a warm and cozy home (my belly) and that at least one of them could make it. She said that I could carry one of them to term, deliver and then have that baby look up at his mother's big brown eyes. It made me want to cry. She said to think about it that way. It could happen! She said I will be such a good mother and not to give up. She said if it was her, she'd want to get pg right away again! She is right. I do and hopefully I will.
So as of now, I have decided to take her advice and to allow myself feel hopeful again. I have decided to not let that tragedy of losing my baby, keep me in that dark zone I have been in. Its too scary there and I could easily stay there for years.
Aaron has been so hopeful and so kind to me. We have had our share of misunderstandings during all of this but he is letting me just feel. I guess he finally got the point that nothing he says is going to fix my pain, but that he could just listen. That always helps.
Yesterday I got home and was VERY sad. I was crying on the way home just meditating on everything and I just wanted to be alone. He asked if there was anything he could do, I said no. He asked what was wrong... I got smart and answered "what the hell do you THINK is wrong???" (duh, aaron). I told him I was just tired of everything and to please just leave me alone. Fortunately he had plans so I asked him to leave a bit earlier (he did) and I was left alone to sulk and cry. I decided to go for a walk and watch some tv and felt so much better. By the time he got home, I had dinner half way done and was in a happy mood. I am SO sure he thinks I am crazy!! (lol) Oh well... my honey has his bad traits too.
In closing, today will be a start to a new beginning. It will be a new season for me and Aaron and hopefully soon there will be new life coming into OUR life.

Change of plans!

So I took an hpt on Friday night (hey, I was all alone and bored!!!) and it was negative, stark white too! So I was actually happy seening this as I can now start provera. I started the very next day. SO I am on my 3rd day! I am expecting AF sometime midweek next week.

I have been sad lately. I have thinking about our little angel alot. I just can't seem to move on. I do fake it in front of people and I am sure I look like I am doing pretty good and all but I know and now dh knows, that I am infact, not doing so hot. I think of how far along I would be and I cry. I don't know exactly what date and week but I know the range and I know that I would be hitting the exciting part which is feeling the baby move, dh feeling him/her, and of course the BIG u/s. I hate that I didn't get to experience that. It just pisses me off and at the same time my heart shatters each time I think about it. I miss the baby so much. I just wish I could rewind time. I wish I would have known the future that way I could have taken more time to love my baby and be happy instead of paranoid. I wish alot of things. It just sucks.

I have been crying again too and once the first tear rolls down, MANY follow. I just feel like I can't get over it. I felt this right after my m/c then I felt better and like I could move on. Now I am back to that place where I just want to crawl in my bed and hide. I can't see tomorrow, I don't know how I will get up from this. I did tell Aaron that I do know my limits though. I know that I could easily sink into depression over this. I could sink into bitterness and anger over this. Of course I am all of the above now but I like to think I have a moderate case and it's not severe just yet. I know that if I got into a dark place I probably wouldn't be able to get out...so I try to not let myself get there. I cry and scream but I tell myself "okay, I feel better".
I am pissed at God, I won't lie. I still say He is good but that doesn't stop me from being mad at Him. I know He didn't kill my baby or anything but I just don't understand the point of this. I don't understand what the point WAS. I don't understand why He couldn't just give this to me. I can't understand why, why, why... I am sure I never will but you can bet your ASS I will ask Him when I get there.
I am not praying anymore. Aaron and I pray together and we are praying for our procedure but as far as me praying on my own, it just doesn't happen. I just don't have any words. I do tell Him I am pissed at Him. I tell Him that one day I will be able to give Him praise but right now I can't. I tell Him that I do love Him. It sucks too!

I have been thinking of this FET and I am not as excited. I am more scared. I am terrified that it won't work. I am scared that I will be left with a negative and that that will make the m/c even worse!!!! I am scared that I will miscarry again. I am scared, scared, scared. I am just taking it one day at a time and my attitude isn't as naive as it was with the fresh cycle. I hope to be wonderfully surprised though. God, I wish I didn't have to do this again.

Aaron is good though. He has been sharing with me that he also gets sad from time to time. He says that he sees PG women and he thinks about how far along I would be. When he sees babies or toddlers he says he gets this tugging in his chest that hurts.
Its good to hear he is also going through this as its comforting but at the same time, it hurts to hear him hurting about this.
Aaron doesn't like to talk about adoption because he is just CERTAIN we will have children of our own and in his mind, if we talk about it, its like we don't believe. Well I agree but at the same time, I want to be realistic. I am young, he is younger so we still have time but still... many many women just go childless. Not many, but there are some out there. There are 2 in my family that went childless. So I asked him if we could adopt, of course he said no, blah blah, we will have our own children and we aren't giving up yet. So I said, I am not trying to adopt RIGHT NOW, but I just want to know that I WILL be mother in my lifetime. I don't care if the child(ren) is from my blood or body, that is so miniscule now. I just want to be a mom. I just want to know in MY mind that yes, I will be a mom someday. So he said "of course, if we never had children we would definately adopt". Do you know how better that made me feel?? So much better.

Its crazy. All this ttc crap is crazy. I don't wish this on anybody. I can't believe people actually make babies in their bedroom by having sex. That seems so foreign to me... Its just crazy.

I was supposed to start provera on Valentine's Day. I was trying to time it so that I would get af during the week and not during the weekend. Well the only condition was I had to take a pregnancy test (per nurse) before popping any of those little pills. SO I did that night and I got a light line. I called the nurse the next day and of course I can't take the af bringing pills just yet. I have to wait and test again (she said a week but I am going for 3 days). If its still ++ by a week, I have to go in and do b/w.
I didn't test after my miscarriage as many women do. They want to see hcg go down therefore they test until they get back to negative. I didn't because I didn't want to see a fake line on there. Well I still had to see it on V-day and it sucked!!!!

I am now going to be a week behind meaning transfer won't be until 3rd week of March. I know its not much of a difference but I just want to move on.

Oh well. I guess my body isn't quite ready yet the way my heart and mind are.

Happy Valentine's day to me!!!!! Aaron is such a romantic!!!!! My morning started off with a huge stuffed caterpillar on the couch to surprise me. Then in the car there was a beautiful basket with some yummies in it. I got chocolates, a heart diamond bracelet, a card and a cd. The cd was the best gift though!! It had Aaron singing a song that he wrote just for me. It was so beautiful that I cried all the way to work. It was about what the future holds in store for us. It was very very pretty. Once I got to work I got a rose and tulip flower arrangement delivered.
Tonight we are going to dinner. We are going to Carrabba's Italian. Dh wanted to do something different since we usually do Perrys Grill (steakhouse). Hopefully its good, which I heard it is.

So last night my 2 sisters and I headed to dinner. My middle sister got married in January and is moving to El Paso where her dh is stationed. It was nice because it was just us but it was sad towards the end. We cried and hugged. I can't believe she is leaving. Its so weird. I know we will see her again but its just different now. I am going to miss her alot. :(

I will start provera tonight or tomorrow. I am supposed to do an HPT first *insert rolling eyes emoticon here*. I will do one just for the laugh I suppose. I am sure my hcg is down to zero. I hope so.
I picked up my meds during lunch. I can't believe we are about to start again. It went by so fast.

I haven't updated in a while. I tried to once last week but it took too long so I was impatient and closed out.

The results for the testing done after my D&C came back 2 weeks ago. I am disappointed with them but what can I do. The nurse said that the tissue they tested was 100% maternal tissue meaning it was all mine. Why? I don't know. I asked if that meant that they got the wrong tissue out and was the baby still in me and she said no. What most likely happened (our RE had already assumed this as the lab was taking a bit long) was that by the time they got to the testing the baby's tissue was all dead. They weren't able to retrieve ANY live cells from him which is how they test it in the lab. The take the live cells and grow them and then they test them for different chromosome abnormalities. Well our baby didn't have any live cells to grow. I am mad that I will never know what or what did NOT go wrong. She did say that they went ahead and tested me and my chromosomes as that is very important in miscarriages. She said I was 100% perfect. Everything was in place where it should be. So in other words, I didn't pass on any chromosome problems the baby. Dh and I thought it would be better to test him also. I really really hope to get the results BEFORE our FET that way we know what we are looking at. I know I have only had one miscarriage but for me and alot more women, that is ENOUGH. I don't see why docs don't test you for all this once you have one. I guess because miscarriages are so common plus these tests are very $$, its better to just assume it was a fluke and it probably won't happen again. Well I personally can't rely on "probably". I, in no way, want to go through another loss. So I got on the ball.
If Aaron comes out with something (which I doubt, but you just never know) then we *might* hold out on the FET. I would want to see my RE to see what we can do. I imagine it would be IVF with PGD. With PGD, they test the embryos for a certain number of chromosome abnormalities. Some embryos look good and are growing so those might be the ones they choose to put back in the woman. But little do they know, they might be abnormal. With this PGD procedure you can avoid that. I sorta wish we would had done this in my first cycle, just in case...

So for now, I am going along with the FET. I will get the results of Aaron's tests in about 2 weeks which is when I will probably get AF. I am timing it perfectly with Provera just in case we back out and decide to go on to another fresh cycle.
So the plan is (for now at least) to take provera on Thursday. I expect to take the 10 pills and then get my period 3 days after my last pill. On day 3 I will start the Estrace tablets and then further along start the progesterone injections.

I am going to drop off my Rx today and pick up the provera.

The days are going by FAST for me. I can't believe we are already half way down February almost. I expect my transfer to be in the 2nd week of March *insert bug eyed emoticon here*. Its just around the corner! EEK!

I was supposed to be eating better and working out. Have I? Not a chance. I am back into my jeans which were tight when I was PG so that is good. I might start tonight though...